Looking for guidance
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 5
Looking for guidance
Hello all -
I am hoping some can help me with my current situation. My ex and I have had a very toxic on and off relationship filled with him hiding and lying about using cocaine, cheating, verbal & physical abuse. We have been on and off for 8 years and share a child together. The drugs have completely changed him. He goes from mood swings of being nice then incredibly mean saying awful things to me.He has always left me for other women, tried to use me for sex and verbally put me down. When he would cheat or do something wrong, he put the blame on me for not treating him right and then expected we don't talk about it and I drop it. So that built up anger and I always wanted relationship talks on the past bc the past was never solved by an initial talk about the problem - he never took responsibility for his wrongs. He always comes back when he pleases and I am always the one begging for him back. through all of the crap he has put me through, I always took him back and tried ( to the extent I could ) to get him to stop using and just treat me different. I will admit, I was not always perfect, there were times in the past I would use just to try to fit in with him ( however have not done that in years) - I would start arguments with him when I felt he was high, amongst other things. The most recent time we dated, I had enough. I told him he needed to take a hair drug test to prove sobriety - told him this would be our last chance bc in 8 years you gotta figure it out by now especially with a child involved, told him i would put my all into trying as well. he tried 100% and i was at about 15%- I had fear and paranoia and started getting panic attacks because I was so worried he was gonna fail. Well , for the first time in 8 years he did stay sober- he did pass. . It was supposed to be a happy moment- and the minute they came back, my heart sunk and I immediately thought, is he gonna stay clean? Told him the results and said I needed time to think if he was gonna really be true to me. He didn't like that and broke up with me and used 2 days later and has ever since the last 6 months.
I feel guilt for hurting him the last time we dated. I feel it's my fault he is hurting as bad as he is and using again. He wants nothing to do with me. tells me how much he hates me , calls me names, tells me everyone is better than me - the list could go on. recently, he came in my life the last 10 days saying he would let me prove things to him. that lasted 5 days until he started an argument with me thursday bc i was zoned out in my phone. He was accusing me of all these things I was not doing -- come to realize he had got paid thursday and went and got coke and had a binder the whole weekend he treated me bad. He ended up telling me yesterday that he only came back as revenge when I never had a chance with him. then proceeded to tell me about all the girls he's been sleeping with while we have been apart while telling me how I am not girlfriend material. I am now destroyed. I miss him and I shouldn't and now I feel like every girl is getting the best side of him bc he is very charming and great to people as long as they don't come between him and whatever stuff he does. I also feel like he is going to treat someone better bc they don't have the 8 year history we have.
IS there any advice on this? I just am lost.
Sorry for the super long post :-(
I am hoping some can help me with my current situation. My ex and I have had a very toxic on and off relationship filled with him hiding and lying about using cocaine, cheating, verbal & physical abuse. We have been on and off for 8 years and share a child together. The drugs have completely changed him. He goes from mood swings of being nice then incredibly mean saying awful things to me.He has always left me for other women, tried to use me for sex and verbally put me down. When he would cheat or do something wrong, he put the blame on me for not treating him right and then expected we don't talk about it and I drop it. So that built up anger and I always wanted relationship talks on the past bc the past was never solved by an initial talk about the problem - he never took responsibility for his wrongs. He always comes back when he pleases and I am always the one begging for him back. through all of the crap he has put me through, I always took him back and tried ( to the extent I could ) to get him to stop using and just treat me different. I will admit, I was not always perfect, there were times in the past I would use just to try to fit in with him ( however have not done that in years) - I would start arguments with him when I felt he was high, amongst other things. The most recent time we dated, I had enough. I told him he needed to take a hair drug test to prove sobriety - told him this would be our last chance bc in 8 years you gotta figure it out by now especially with a child involved, told him i would put my all into trying as well. he tried 100% and i was at about 15%- I had fear and paranoia and started getting panic attacks because I was so worried he was gonna fail. Well , for the first time in 8 years he did stay sober- he did pass. . It was supposed to be a happy moment- and the minute they came back, my heart sunk and I immediately thought, is he gonna stay clean? Told him the results and said I needed time to think if he was gonna really be true to me. He didn't like that and broke up with me and used 2 days later and has ever since the last 6 months.
I feel guilt for hurting him the last time we dated. I feel it's my fault he is hurting as bad as he is and using again. He wants nothing to do with me. tells me how much he hates me , calls me names, tells me everyone is better than me - the list could go on. recently, he came in my life the last 10 days saying he would let me prove things to him. that lasted 5 days until he started an argument with me thursday bc i was zoned out in my phone. He was accusing me of all these things I was not doing -- come to realize he had got paid thursday and went and got coke and had a binder the whole weekend he treated me bad. He ended up telling me yesterday that he only came back as revenge when I never had a chance with him. then proceeded to tell me about all the girls he's been sleeping with while we have been apart while telling me how I am not girlfriend material. I am now destroyed. I miss him and I shouldn't and now I feel like every girl is getting the best side of him bc he is very charming and great to people as long as they don't come between him and whatever stuff he does. I also feel like he is going to treat someone better bc they don't have the 8 year history we have.
IS there any advice on this? I just am lost.
Sorry for the super long post :-(
Hi Bobena, welcome. I am so sorry to hear of your situation. These sorts of relationships cause a lot of pain, and you deserve better for you and your child. Your ex is an addict, and as such the addiction is always their priority. There is not much you can do until he gets clean on his own - we cannot make people stop using. It sounds like you have some codependent behaviors around this and it would be worth looking into what that means if you aren't familiar.
There is a section on the main forum called Friends and Family of Substance Abusers (and also alcohol). This is exactly the type of thing we discuss there. I will attach the link, and maybe a Mod can move this, as I think you will get more support there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
There is a section on the main forum called Friends and Family of Substance Abusers (and also alcohol). This is exactly the type of thing we discuss there. I will attach the link, and maybe a Mod can move this, as I think you will get more support there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Hi Bobena
Sorry for what brings you here. Your boyfriend is the one that is not dating material. He has shown you the true person he is. Bragging about cheating on you. Calling you names and unkind things. This is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sure he can be charming and dreamy but it's all a show to get what he wants. He is not looking into what brings you happiness.
I'm sure you have stuck by him which shows that you are kind and deserve someone that treats you the same. You have seen that something needs to change in your life. You should not be treated this way. Please put your best interest at hand. You are worth it. You deserve someone who wants to communicate with you. Keep being strong and keep coming back for support.
Sorry for what brings you here. Your boyfriend is the one that is not dating material. He has shown you the true person he is. Bragging about cheating on you. Calling you names and unkind things. This is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sure he can be charming and dreamy but it's all a show to get what he wants. He is not looking into what brings you happiness.
I'm sure you have stuck by him which shows that you are kind and deserve someone that treats you the same. You have seen that something needs to change in your life. You should not be treated this way. Please put your best interest at hand. You are worth it. You deserve someone who wants to communicate with you. Keep being strong and keep coming back for support.
You deserve better than to be treated like dirt. Drop him like a hot rock and rebuild your life, and your child's life, without him.
A similar situation happened to me. I finally kicked him out of my house and my life and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
A similar situation happened to me. I finally kicked him out of my house and my life and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Hi Bobena. Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for your situation. When I was using I spread nothing but chaos, misery and everyone in my life never knew which version of me was going to show up that day.
I think you need to get him out of your life and don't let him back in until he shows you an extended time of sobriety. A year or more. You will have to maintain contact with him because you share a child, but you get to have a quiet, stable, predictable life as is your right. You deserve that.
Suggest some sort of schedule with him regarding your child and if he doesn't agree, seek the advice of an attorney. And then get separation from him. All his stuff out of your place and all your stuff out of his place.
That is not an ideal solution, but it is infinitely better than your current situation. Stop doing to on and off thing with him as it is so unfair to you and your child.
Get on the Family & Friends forum for some better advice from people who identify more with what you are going through.
I think you need to get him out of your life and don't let him back in until he shows you an extended time of sobriety. A year or more. You will have to maintain contact with him because you share a child, but you get to have a quiet, stable, predictable life as is your right. You deserve that.
Suggest some sort of schedule with him regarding your child and if he doesn't agree, seek the advice of an attorney. And then get separation from him. All his stuff out of your place and all your stuff out of his place.
That is not an ideal solution, but it is infinitely better than your current situation. Stop doing to on and off thing with him as it is so unfair to you and your child.
Get on the Family & Friends forum for some better advice from people who identify more with what you are going through.
Advice:
You are a valuable human in the world. Your gifts are unique and no one can bring to the world what you have to offer. Your contributions to the world matter. You matter. It is time to focus on YOU and to build your self esteem into something that is unshakable. Know your worth. know your value. Do not settle for mediocrity. Build yourself up and dont look back to that relationship. There is nothing there for you. Move forward quickly with happiness and joy. Close the door, lock it with a deadbolt and lose the key. You have got better **** to do!
You are a valuable human in the world. Your gifts are unique and no one can bring to the world what you have to offer. Your contributions to the world matter. You matter. It is time to focus on YOU and to build your self esteem into something that is unshakable. Know your worth. know your value. Do not settle for mediocrity. Build yourself up and dont look back to that relationship. There is nothing there for you. Move forward quickly with happiness and joy. Close the door, lock it with a deadbolt and lose the key. You have got better **** to do!
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