Don't even know what I'm doing...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Also, it is so important for you to find what works for you like BB said. If attending meetings works but not the sponsor part then do that. If writing on this forum works and reading books on recovery works then do that. Keep moving in a direction that offers you positivity and growth. Do not give up on yourself and do not be defeated. You will win. Recovery is a journey that takes on many different shapes and forms and beliefs. It is hard at times. It is easy at times. It is an adventure. You can do this. Believe in yourself and the power that you hold. You are a powerful individual that can overcome any challenge.
We all have to find our own way on our own road.
We all have to find our own way on our own road.
Samantha
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Originally Posted by Obladi 
She’s not your sponsor any more, right? Any possibility you could maybe get to one Zoom meeting/day and keep your eye out for a new one?
Samantha
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Originally Posted by Mizz
Anxiety and Alcohol.
I was "diagnosed" with anxiety and PTSD long before I started to abuse alcohol. I was not fully aware of how I was self medicating but......I would drink and the anxiety would be relieved for the evening. My anxiety presents itself in cyclic thinking, muscle tightening and severe worry. It really can be a lot to handle and to deal with as you already know. So, I would drink and then feel better. In the mornings the anxiety would still be there. Rinse and repeat with the drinking cycle and the anxiety cycle. Do all of that until I was so sick that I was unrecognizable.
When I quit drinking the anxiety was at an all time high. It had a life of its own. I thought I was going insane. I felt like I was going to burst. Sort of like I was a water balloon and the water (anxiety) was filling the balloon to the point of explosion. I was physically hurting and ruminating and all the things that were bad were happening. My last episode of anxiety lasted the entire day. I could feel the episode leave my body. It was really doing a number on me. People had opinions that I should go to the doctor and possibly get meds to help. The doctor route was not a route I was willing to take given that I had negative experiences from prescribed meds in the past. So, what was I going to do?
Even though my last full blown episode was in December that didnt mean that I was free from the anxiousness. Daily cyclic thoughts were still present and I was still suffering to a large degree. I was not sure if I could stay sober and deal with myself in this way? I was sick and the sickness was not leaving. I was suffering. Exercise would help for a few hours but It always came back to cyclic worry, rumination and all sorts of **** that did not keep me present. Fast forward to March 2021....I watched a documentary about Tina Turner. She started practicing Nichiren Buddhism due to the amount of suffering she was enduring in her marriage and from her past. She changed her life. All of her life. I thought to myself "Well, if Tina Turner can change her life and get out of an abusive marriage and go on to become an Iconic Rock Star then I should see what I can do with this chanting business!" Is it going to hurt me? No. Will it be a waste of time? Who knows. I had the time and I had the determination to stay sober. I was willing to try just about anything (aside from meds) to not relapse.
I started practicing Nichiren Buddhism. Chanting. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
At first I thought "this is so strange and I dont know what I am doing. What am I doing?" but I stayed the course. People become good at things when they practice. Beyonce is not Beyonce without hours of training her voice. Simone Biles is who she is due to hours of training and set backs and more training and more set backs.
We excel at things when we take the time to focus and become great! I do believe this.
Present time: The chanting has changed my life and my outlook on my life. The chanting is a mirror. It shows me where and how I am holding myself back and where and how I can change. I have been given an inner peace that I never had before and a determination to overcome any problem in my life. When my anxiety comes into the day....I chant. I cant worry and cyclic think while chanting. Its one or the other. I am choosing to get some control over the anxiety by using Nichiren Buddhism as tool.
Do I still have anxiety? Yes, but I see it for what it is and I take steps now to get back to normalcy instead of letting the anxiety have complete control. Baths, sleep, food, chanting, talking, writing, seeing the wave through. Will my life be free from anxiety? No, probably not. I can control 90% of it now and it doesn't break me. Each day is a new day to meet any challenge and to win over those challenges. Each day is a day for small improvements and to reach for tools that are healthy and will raise my life condition. Half a year into this chanting business and I feel like I am winning this marathon. I dont want to drink and I am excited to see what year 2 of sobriety brings. We can change our lives!
Just thought I would write you a novel. Thanks for reading!
I was "diagnosed" with anxiety and PTSD long before I started to abuse alcohol. I was not fully aware of how I was self medicating but......I would drink and the anxiety would be relieved for the evening. My anxiety presents itself in cyclic thinking, muscle tightening and severe worry. It really can be a lot to handle and to deal with as you already know. So, I would drink and then feel better. In the mornings the anxiety would still be there. Rinse and repeat with the drinking cycle and the anxiety cycle. Do all of that until I was so sick that I was unrecognizable.
When I quit drinking the anxiety was at an all time high. It had a life of its own. I thought I was going insane. I felt like I was going to burst. Sort of like I was a water balloon and the water (anxiety) was filling the balloon to the point of explosion. I was physically hurting and ruminating and all the things that were bad were happening. My last episode of anxiety lasted the entire day. I could feel the episode leave my body. It was really doing a number on me. People had opinions that I should go to the doctor and possibly get meds to help. The doctor route was not a route I was willing to take given that I had negative experiences from prescribed meds in the past. So, what was I going to do?
Even though my last full blown episode was in December that didnt mean that I was free from the anxiousness. Daily cyclic thoughts were still present and I was still suffering to a large degree. I was not sure if I could stay sober and deal with myself in this way? I was sick and the sickness was not leaving. I was suffering. Exercise would help for a few hours but It always came back to cyclic worry, rumination and all sorts of **** that did not keep me present. Fast forward to March 2021....I watched a documentary about Tina Turner. She started practicing Nichiren Buddhism due to the amount of suffering she was enduring in her marriage and from her past. She changed her life. All of her life. I thought to myself "Well, if Tina Turner can change her life and get out of an abusive marriage and go on to become an Iconic Rock Star then I should see what I can do with this chanting business!" Is it going to hurt me? No. Will it be a waste of time? Who knows. I had the time and I had the determination to stay sober. I was willing to try just about anything (aside from meds) to not relapse.
I started practicing Nichiren Buddhism. Chanting. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
At first I thought "this is so strange and I dont know what I am doing. What am I doing?" but I stayed the course. People become good at things when they practice. Beyonce is not Beyonce without hours of training her voice. Simone Biles is who she is due to hours of training and set backs and more training and more set backs.
We excel at things when we take the time to focus and become great! I do believe this.
Present time: The chanting has changed my life and my outlook on my life. The chanting is a mirror. It shows me where and how I am holding myself back and where and how I can change. I have been given an inner peace that I never had before and a determination to overcome any problem in my life. When my anxiety comes into the day....I chant. I cant worry and cyclic think while chanting. Its one or the other. I am choosing to get some control over the anxiety by using Nichiren Buddhism as tool.
Do I still have anxiety? Yes, but I see it for what it is and I take steps now to get back to normalcy instead of letting the anxiety have complete control. Baths, sleep, food, chanting, talking, writing, seeing the wave through. Will my life be free from anxiety? No, probably not. I can control 90% of it now and it doesn't break me. Each day is a new day to meet any challenge and to win over those challenges. Each day is a day for small improvements and to reach for tools that are healthy and will raise my life condition. Half a year into this chanting business and I feel like I am winning this marathon. I dont want to drink and I am excited to see what year 2 of sobriety brings. We can change our lives!
Just thought I would write you a novel. Thanks for reading!
I dont want it to seem like I haven't tried things to help my anxiety....I have.
Counseling with 4 different people; AA in a way, I thought would help but made it worse when I realized I didn't "meet the requirements"; I do meditation on YouTube, a ton of different exercise, healthy diet as much as possible, limit caffeine, limit sugar, contact ED clinic to see if it would help, about 15 different medications, more than one doctor, apps like calm, reading, breathing techniques..... you name it, I have tried it.
religion is not something i am into, but I have done tons of affirmations....TONS!
in the past ive tried to find support groups but wasn't able to find any close to me and now with covid I'm sure they've all died off here anyways.
I have gone periods of months with no alcohol, many times, and was my anxiety better? No, it really stayed exactly the same.
I kind of always thought it I could at least even out my anxiety, become more stable minded, that my alcoholism would kind of just go away, but I havent yet been able to conquer it.
Samantha
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Originally Posted by Mizz
Also, it is so important for you to find what works for you like BB said. If attending meetings works but not the sponsor part then do that. If writing on this forum works and reading books on recovery works then do that. Keep moving in a direction that offers you positivity and growth. Do not give up on yourself and do not be defeated. You will win. Recovery is a journey that takes on many different shapes and forms and beliefs. It is hard at times. It is easy at times. It is an adventure. You can do this. Believe in yourself and the power that you hold. You are a powerful individual that can overcome any challenge.
We all have to find our own way on our own road.
We all have to find our own way on our own road.
yet I notice in the group there's like 5 sober people and then a bunch of people going in and out and always relapsing.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
AnxiousRock, it sounds like you've really tried so many things to help with your recovery and I'm sorry that things are so difficult.
I had anxiety long before I began drinking and of course it got worse during the years I was drinking. It took several months of recovery before I began to notice any improvement in my anxiety levels. It was very slow and it certainly never disappeared. I think what helped me is that now, being more aware than when I was drinking, I can pinpoint the anxiety and manage it better.
I had anxiety long before I began drinking and of course it got worse during the years I was drinking. It took several months of recovery before I began to notice any improvement in my anxiety levels. It was very slow and it certainly never disappeared. I think what helped me is that now, being more aware than when I was drinking, I can pinpoint the anxiety and manage it better.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
MIZZ said this - Recovery is a journey that takes on many different shapes and forms and beliefs. It is hard at times. It is easy at times. It is an adventure. You can do this. Believe in yourself and the power that you hold. You are a powerful individual that can overcome any challenge. We all have to find our own way on our own road.
What a wonderful perspective MIzz -Thank you!
I think if you accept this statement - really accept it - then the road is stretching ahead, waiting for you to walk it's path - the road of sobriety - we do not know where it will lead you - but it will be away from where you are now.
What a wonderful perspective MIzz -Thank you!
I think if you accept this statement - really accept it - then the road is stretching ahead, waiting for you to walk it's path - the road of sobriety - we do not know where it will lead you - but it will be away from where you are now.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I “do” AA without a sponsor. I’ve had four of them and it just didn’t work for me. Having said that, I also found some people (mainly via SR, sometimes a sponsor) to help me out when I get stuck on something. That works. 
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Anyone who tells you that you don’t belong is dead wrong. Yes, find some other meetings. With Zoom, you have a great many options to try out!
And read the first 164 pages of the Big Book. From the very very beginning. That’s the only way to really get an understanding of how this thing can work for YOU. At least that’s how it worked out for me.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Anyone who tells you that you don’t belong is dead wrong. Yes, find some other meetings. With Zoom, you have a great many options to try out!
And read the first 164 pages of the Big Book. From the very very beginning. That’s the only way to really get an understanding of how this thing can work for YOU. At least that’s how it worked out for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by anxiousrock
maybe I just need a new group then because the one i have been going to always says that sponsorship is the only way you stand a chance.
yet I notice in the group there's like 5 sober people and then a bunch of people going in and out and always relapsing.
yet I notice in the group there's like 5 sober people and then a bunch of people going in and out and always relapsing.
Sobriety is not linear for some people. It was not linear for me. I had many starts and stops. Many ups and downs. I refuse to be defeated and I refuse to believe that I will not recover from addiction. In fact, I have recovered from an active addiction and now I maintain my sobriety by daily structure and self empowering tools.
I believe in you!
Samantha
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Originally Posted by Obladi
I “do” AA without a sponsor. I’ve had four of them and it just didn’t work for me. Having said that, I also found some people (mainly via SR, sometimes a sponsor) to help me out when I get stuck on something. That works.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Anyone who tells you that you don’t belong is dead wrong. Yes, find some other meetings. With Zoom, you have a great many options to try out!
And read the first 164 pages of the Big Book. From the very very beginning. That’s the only way to really get an understanding of how this thing can work for YOU. At least that’s how it worked out for me.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Anyone who tells you that you don’t belong is dead wrong. Yes, find some other meetings. With Zoom, you have a great many options to try out!
And read the first 164 pages of the Big Book. From the very very beginning. That’s the only way to really get an understanding of how this thing can work for YOU. At least that’s how it worked out for me.
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