Dee74

I hope this is a day one for you too

D

samwitch

Unite-I hope you are okay.

UNITE4STRENGTH

hi Dee74....no it wasn't, I had a skinfull. Again. Today I got on my knees and prayed. I was considering going in for another drinking session. It was so hard to be even thinking about it when it's the very last thing I need. I couldn't face food but was running on empty so grabbed a handful of nuts (something!)....I took vitamins and had something quite nutritious to eat. I've stayed hydrated and rested most of the day. So, yes: here it is again, my day 1.

UNITE4STRENGTH

thank you lovely. So nice of you. I'm OK.....today was another day 1. Hard to face. Tomorrow morning I will pray again for another sober day. Samwitch, where about are you in your recovery please?

samwitch

I'm on day 4 or 5, but I'm not concentrating on counting days, I'm just not drinking.

KittyMama00

My story too, but with less time. Last time I was sober was 2010, healthy and happy. I broke my sobriety with multiple hallucinogenic at a yoga festival, and my personal kryptonite wine was a no-brainer (pun intended) once again. 11 years later, here I am at day 10 of sobriety.

Something that I have been telling myself everyday (in sobriety) is, "you stayed sober yesterday and this means that you can do it today." My tone is not cocky when I say this to myself, because I know that my brain is wired for addiction. Yesterday at the grocery store I avoided the wine cooler (where my kryptonite is stored) but as I passed by shelves my vision literally magnified the label on a bottle of white wine while everything in my peripheral blurred. I don't take this lightly, but consider it a serious warning to the difference in my brain in comparison with a non-addicted brain. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DRINK ALCOHOL OR PUT ANY MIND-ALTERING SUBSTANCE EVER, message received.

That you were sober for 440 days is a major accomplishment to build upon. One adaptogen that I have been putting into a morning smoothie is Kudzu. There is research on mice addicted to alcohol where Kudzu helps them to abstain, so it is thought to help with urges. Also contacting your PCP and enlisting the help of a Mental Health Therapist is a good idea, in my opinion.

I hope that you get the help that you need to thrive healthfully. I am cheering you on from over here at Day 10!

KittyMama00

Sending you positive, healing thoughts from "across the pond". Is your Primary Care Physician involved? It sounds like you need a medical withdrawal as you are saying that you need to slowing "wean" yourself from alcohol use. Do you have the support of a therapist or counselor? If not, I agree with the suggestion that AA could really help right now. It kept me sober for over a year 2008-2009, and although I would warn you to stay away from predators who prey on newly sober women (my experience) the support that I desperately and immediately needed was there for me. I don't know what gender you identify with, but AA's "women only meetings" were truly a blessing in my life, and also a meeting that offered a meditation space.
Thinking of you, holding you in my heart, and visualizing you sober and feeling well.

dustyfox

Unite - maybe you should see your G.P. - just get that extra bit of support, to keep you going and motivated. What's stopping you?

UNITE4STRENGTH

yes, that's sensible. It's a journey so in total I have thousands of days sober. Day 2, 3 etc....isn't even accurate....more to show others exactly where I'm at presently for the extra support. Well done on your commitment.

UNITE4STRENGTH

Thank you

UNITE4STRENGTH

thanks so much for your message and your incredible journey. Well done on day 10/11. I'm sweaty and a bit shaky on day 2. I'm not ready to go out. I have enough food in so I'll be OK here for now. Thanks so much for your well wishes. Since my relapse I'm reassessing everything - particularly how my recovery needs to look in terms of the work i put in, and who I spend time with and how often etc. I'm on a waiting list for complex trauma therapies. Thanks again for reaching out to me.

UNITE4STRENGTH

I wouldn't consider going the formal intervention route again as I'm receiving support from the rehab that I was at. I've joined SR because my relapse has to stay private. I have shared with 3 other people that know me but I must leave it there and move on in my own way. The biggest lesson I've learned from the relapse is exactly how it happens - from start to finish. I see now that my action, thinking, attitude and behaviour is crucial EVERY SINGLE DAY!

UNITE4STRENGTH

however, I am in touch with my mental health care team and my doctor with regard to my mental health - anxiety, complex trauma.

lonelyfella

First off......its ok that u had a drink....peoples though processes make all kinds of stuff happen....i am no doubt very much alike you.. i have said "no" to myself more times than a bear has had a poop in the woods...im not sure where its come from (my new found strength to stop) but i am determind to have a propper bash at it......i like drinking thats why i have become so good at it.....i like cocaine and i am a pro at that too...... the thing is, these things that i like obviously dont like me very much because they have taken all my savings, forced me to remove myself from people i have known all my life and much, much more...
So i am going to give up my addictions so i can get back some of the stuff they have taken from me.....
As for the being alone in a flat....oh boy do i hear that one.... something else i have become professional at... i guess you need to change that thought process too... try and see it as less "trapped" more "sanctuary"..... its not easy i know... but... at least u and i are going through the same emotions and thought processes....i have no idea how i am going to react when i leave my sanctuary........the only thing i am a total amature at is being clean and sober.......
Lee.

UNITE4STRENGTH

you are right! This is a sanctuary. I am blessed. I just wrote a gratitude list. I feel slightly more positive and will get things done tomorrow morning. Can you get a home delivery for food so you don't need to go out for the first 2 weeks?

lonelyfella

you sure can... amazon prime, uber eats.....both do shopping deliveries.....uber is 99p for a delivery last time i used it.....
plus most supermarkets have online oedering and delivery (if available in your area!!)
i was born in the area i live in right now....so i know a lot of locals...most of them are using and drinking....so i dont want to cut them off in the street so i have taken to online shopping like a duck to water!
check them out
uber delivery and amazon fresh i think its called.

Lee

UNITE4STRENGTH

OK, so I've just been through hell (for a 3rd time since I started drinking again) with detoxing. Out of nowhere thoughts of going out to the pub creep in.....I was really thinking about it - where could I go without being seen, could I just have 2 or 3.....what if I get drunk again and wake up tomorrow feeling absolutely filled with panic because I sabotaged myself again... I had a word with myself, I reminded myself that I am an alcoholic so there's no way it can or will ever work in my favour. I quickly thought about what else I could do here on a Saturday night....so I've made a coffee and got myself a glass of water, that'll do! Around days 4,5,6 the AV pipes up because we are stuck in this uncomfortable limbo state between feeling a fair bit better but not at all good, still....so the idea of having a few beers at this stage can feel tempting. Anyone out there with me? Let's keep on clocking up our hours!!!

biminiblue

I had to make sure I was always well-fed in early days. Hunger can manifest as anxiety for me, and low blood sugar is always a concern with alcoholics who have been drinking a lot.

I also had to be really careful with caffeine. For that first six months I cut back to a single cup of half-caff per day. Otherwise my anxiety would ramp up and I would think, "Oh. I need a drink," or I would have intrusive thoughts in general. I didn't go back to more than one serving of caffeine per day until I was way over one year sober.

Anxiety and racing thoughts were something I really couldn't afford. At all. Trying to calm down could have easily led to a drink.

UNITE4STRENGTH

thanks, that is helpful. I've opted for coffee as it'll boost my dopamine....anything to take me through the next few hours! I'm anxious anyway (compulsively picking at the skin on my fingers) - horrible habit, so I will get false nails soon or start wearing gloves so I can't do it. I'm due to see what anxiety medication I can use soon because I'm not at work right now. So yeah, anxiety is very much already there and was before I even started drinking again.....I had lowered my caffeine intake right down too. Just now for the first couple of weeks I will not worry so much about calories or caffeine. I will heed your warning though still!! 🙂 thanks again biminiblue, it's so good being able to share thoughts on here, especially right now!

UNITE4STRENGTH

Morning everyone. I'm starting to recover....I'm 4 days in, rolling into 4.5! I am so grateful that I slept quite well. I feel quite refreshed (comparatively!).....I will go out to the shop this morning to get some nice food and juice. I will sit out at a cafe with a chamomile tea I think as well to 'normalise' as I've been in the flat most of the last 4 days. I had an appointment which I had to postpone by a couple of days because I needed to sober up. I thought about going to the pub 'for a couple' following my appointment as the pub was just opening up....I thought about it and thankfully I was able to convince myself to do the right thing and just get on my train home. Since my relapse I will need to expect extra temptation for a while until my brain and body balance back out again. I will get a few things done today and treat it more like a normal day, rather than a super early sobriety day! I feel so pleased with myself that I have managed to push myself through detox 3 times in the past 3 weeks, of course I'm just hoping I stick on this 3rd try. I have seen my hopes, goals and dreams fall away from me over the past 10 years....that's why this feels serious. Getting sober is no longer a question in my mind, it's a must, and I must continue to commit to it. Thanks for reading 🙂