Free2beme888 Daily one year log 9/1/21
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Fantastic job of handling that situation, Free. Wow. Very impressive!
I remember those days of worrying about upcoming dinners, how to handle it, all the social anxiety (which was often why I drank).
Don't miss it one bit. Glad you don't either.
I remember those days of worrying about upcoming dinners, how to handle it, all the social anxiety (which was often why I drank).
Don't miss it one bit. Glad you don't either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Good morning to Day 7 Free!
You wish it was day 700, or 1000, but it is what it is, right?
Shame….. what a powerful tool for the beast. How do you get rid of it? How can the shame of my drinking somehow be dismissed or diminished when an urge comes 14 months into sobriety, and at the same time, self loathing seems to be there as well.
Get it out of your head, onto paper, or in the air through voice, and somehow it will weaken.
Let’s see. One of the earliest drunks I had was Christmas Eve in 1977. I was just 15 and my full blooded brother came to visit to New York in my foster home with my half brother. We had access and permission to the liquor cabinet, so we had fun and mixed all kinds of drinks. Disaster. A picture of us is taken that I still have, of us looking like puking in front of the Christmas tree. Doesn’t seem like a p,east the memory when I look back, all I can remember is Christmas Day, not the ‘fun’ we had the night before. Ugh.
The next big one was 1995, when I was at Disney Word and I was encouraged to have two GIANT long island teas. I felt dizzy, horrible, and wanted to go home. Partner argued, said he wasn’t done partying with friends. My 12 year old and her friend were in condo watching movies, and I wanted to get home. I somehow managed to find the car, sit on hood, lay against windshield, and wait for ABF. He came, alright, like a bull out of the pen. Screaming at me on way home, I was scared how he was driving. So he let me out on highway. I caught a Disney shuttle, slurring my words, people staring. I was drunk, ashamed, and so lost. I eventually found a cab, and by the grace of God, remembered the condo name where we were staying, and I rushed in to borrow money from the kids to pay for taxi. I conked out, they were happy to see me, and glad I got home safely.
So ABF got home. I didn’t know until I was being lifted off the bed by my shirt and shorts, and viciously thrown to the floor. OMG! I heard the girls screaming behind the closed doors, and a physical fight ensued. I had bruises all down my forearms fighting back the blows, and a giant black bruise on my right hip,that I’ll never forget.
I knew I had to get out of that relationship, we were living together. I had to call my daughters friends mom and fly her home early. I took a second rental car to the coast to meet ABF and ‘friends’.
It took me a year to get out of that one, because he had run up $12,000 credit card debt, and we had it jointly, so bank wouldn’t let my name off until account was zero. I kept my escape plan to myself, and it worked a year later when I could get my daughter and me safely out of there.
Hindsight 20/20, I thought he was just an *******, and yes, knew we had drunk too much. I was barely manageable back then after two giant drinks, but he seemed like…..a monster.
Alcohol takes the brain’s ‘risk taking’ gauge and breaks it. It dulls our senses not just when we are drinking, but for a while I think. ABF was a mistake, that trip was a mistake, and alcohol in MY system was a mistake.
Im so sorry to my daughter and her friend who witnesses it. I’ve told them, but it’s still there. How horrible. To friends mom who had trusted my judgement. To myself, the little girl who was me, who’d already had so much violence and tragedy, I was sorry too. I had been a single mom for 8 years, and only to have been fooled into a relationship by a drunk was disastrous.
A counselor after that incident told me it’s very easy for someone in a long distance relationship to hide things. OMG. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just drink Friday and Saturday nights, (my drinking career was so new, I couldn’t fathom drinking 5-7 days a week). Now, now I understand.
Alcohol is a poison. It’s addictive, and eventually causes havoc in mist people’s lives, in their emotional and physical well being.
Never again. Never.
.
You wish it was day 700, or 1000, but it is what it is, right?
Shame….. what a powerful tool for the beast. How do you get rid of it? How can the shame of my drinking somehow be dismissed or diminished when an urge comes 14 months into sobriety, and at the same time, self loathing seems to be there as well.
Get it out of your head, onto paper, or in the air through voice, and somehow it will weaken.
Let’s see. One of the earliest drunks I had was Christmas Eve in 1977. I was just 15 and my full blooded brother came to visit to New York in my foster home with my half brother. We had access and permission to the liquor cabinet, so we had fun and mixed all kinds of drinks. Disaster. A picture of us is taken that I still have, of us looking like puking in front of the Christmas tree. Doesn’t seem like a p,east the memory when I look back, all I can remember is Christmas Day, not the ‘fun’ we had the night before. Ugh.
The next big one was 1995, when I was at Disney Word and I was encouraged to have two GIANT long island teas. I felt dizzy, horrible, and wanted to go home. Partner argued, said he wasn’t done partying with friends. My 12 year old and her friend were in condo watching movies, and I wanted to get home. I somehow managed to find the car, sit on hood, lay against windshield, and wait for ABF. He came, alright, like a bull out of the pen. Screaming at me on way home, I was scared how he was driving. So he let me out on highway. I caught a Disney shuttle, slurring my words, people staring. I was drunk, ashamed, and so lost. I eventually found a cab, and by the grace of God, remembered the condo name where we were staying, and I rushed in to borrow money from the kids to pay for taxi. I conked out, they were happy to see me, and glad I got home safely.
So ABF got home. I didn’t know until I was being lifted off the bed by my shirt and shorts, and viciously thrown to the floor. OMG! I heard the girls screaming behind the closed doors, and a physical fight ensued. I had bruises all down my forearms fighting back the blows, and a giant black bruise on my right hip,that I’ll never forget.
I knew I had to get out of that relationship, we were living together. I had to call my daughters friends mom and fly her home early. I took a second rental car to the coast to meet ABF and ‘friends’.
It took me a year to get out of that one, because he had run up $12,000 credit card debt, and we had it jointly, so bank wouldn’t let my name off until account was zero. I kept my escape plan to myself, and it worked a year later when I could get my daughter and me safely out of there.
Hindsight 20/20, I thought he was just an *******, and yes, knew we had drunk too much. I was barely manageable back then after two giant drinks, but he seemed like…..a monster.
Alcohol takes the brain’s ‘risk taking’ gauge and breaks it. It dulls our senses not just when we are drinking, but for a while I think. ABF was a mistake, that trip was a mistake, and alcohol in MY system was a mistake.
Im so sorry to my daughter and her friend who witnesses it. I’ve told them, but it’s still there. How horrible. To friends mom who had trusted my judgement. To myself, the little girl who was me, who’d already had so much violence and tragedy, I was sorry too. I had been a single mom for 8 years, and only to have been fooled into a relationship by a drunk was disastrous.
A counselor after that incident told me it’s very easy for someone in a long distance relationship to hide things. OMG. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just drink Friday and Saturday nights, (my drinking career was so new, I couldn’t fathom drinking 5-7 days a week). Now, now I understand.
Alcohol is a poison. It’s addictive, and eventually causes havoc in mist people’s lives, in their emotional and physical well being.
Never again. Never.
.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Thank you, SL, CPath, and as always, dear Dee😍❤️.
Putting a little more work into this, and looking for personal growth and helping others as output from it—not just abstinence, and not going to confuse abstinence with control ever again.
Putting a little more work into this, and looking for personal growth and helping others as output from it—not just abstinence, and not going to confuse abstinence with control ever again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Ending the evening tonight with contemplation of Rule 2 from the 12 Rules for Life book, and how very much like S—in my interpretation of it anyway—to step 3 in AA.
12 Rules/Rule2
Most people will make sure their pet gets the best care and help them take necessary medicines etc. more than they would for themselves.
Things that are experienced personally are more real than objective things. These these are the fundamental elements of human life, and they aren’t reducible to the detached and objective. Pain is an example. The unique drama of lived experience
There is chaos, order, and the third element is the process that mediates the two, which appears to be called consciousness. Chaos is the domain of ignorance. It’s unexplored territory. Chaos is the despair and horror you feel when you have been profoundly betrayed. Chaos is where we are when we dont know where we are. It’s those things and situations we neither know or understand. Chaos is freedom too, dreadful freedom.
Order by contrast is explored territory. It’s is the hierarchy of place, position and authority. Order is tribe, religion, hearth, home and country.
We seldom leave places we understand, and we certainly do not like it when we are compelled to or when it happens accidentally.
Our brains respond instantly when chaos appears with hyper fast circuits, then deeply reflexive responses of emotion— and then, comes thinking which can last from seconds to minutes to years.
“As God himself claims (so goes the story), “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” According to this philosophy, you do not simply belong to yourself. You are not simply your own possession to torture and mistreat. This is partly because your Being is inexorably tied up with that of others, and your mistreatment of yourself can have catastrophic consequences for others. This is most clearly evident, perhaps, in the aftermath of suicide, when those left behind are often both bereft and traumatized. But, metaphorically speaking, there is also this: you have a spark of the divine in you, which belongs not to you, but to God. We are, after all—according to Genesis—made in His image. We have the semi-divine capacity for consciousness. Our consciousness participates in the speaking forth of Being. We are low-resolution (“kenotic”) versions of God. We can make order from chaos—and vice versa—in our way, with our words. So, we may not exactly be God, but we’re not exactly nothing, either.”
Step 3 in AA,—— turn our lives and will to God or our understanding of our HP
Yes, yes. I need to love me as God does, not my beast wants. Since I believe there is a piece of God in me, my soul, who is shouting out between the beast’s call to lizard like desire in alcohol, I turn my soul over to the part of me that consciously knows what is right for me, with the help of other souls, the healing grace of love, and last but not least, a community of souls who are reaching out to me in energy waves across mikes and kilometers, near and far, saying “You can heal. You can be happy. You are loved and whole. Believe it. Believe in the Universal Mind, your HP.”
I do. I do.
A view that will be from our living room in a couple years. Went up there tonight, and am so grateful to be blessed and choosing a life of love for myself, to behave as if I’m someone I love and care for, someone I’m responsible for.
12 Rules/Rule2
- Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
Most people will make sure their pet gets the best care and help them take necessary medicines etc. more than they would for themselves.
Things that are experienced personally are more real than objective things. These these are the fundamental elements of human life, and they aren’t reducible to the detached and objective. Pain is an example. The unique drama of lived experience
There is chaos, order, and the third element is the process that mediates the two, which appears to be called consciousness. Chaos is the domain of ignorance. It’s unexplored territory. Chaos is the despair and horror you feel when you have been profoundly betrayed. Chaos is where we are when we dont know where we are. It’s those things and situations we neither know or understand. Chaos is freedom too, dreadful freedom.
Order by contrast is explored territory. It’s is the hierarchy of place, position and authority. Order is tribe, religion, hearth, home and country.
We seldom leave places we understand, and we certainly do not like it when we are compelled to or when it happens accidentally.
Our brains respond instantly when chaos appears with hyper fast circuits, then deeply reflexive responses of emotion— and then, comes thinking which can last from seconds to minutes to years.
“As God himself claims (so goes the story), “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” According to this philosophy, you do not simply belong to yourself. You are not simply your own possession to torture and mistreat. This is partly because your Being is inexorably tied up with that of others, and your mistreatment of yourself can have catastrophic consequences for others. This is most clearly evident, perhaps, in the aftermath of suicide, when those left behind are often both bereft and traumatized. But, metaphorically speaking, there is also this: you have a spark of the divine in you, which belongs not to you, but to God. We are, after all—according to Genesis—made in His image. We have the semi-divine capacity for consciousness. Our consciousness participates in the speaking forth of Being. We are low-resolution (“kenotic”) versions of God. We can make order from chaos—and vice versa—in our way, with our words. So, we may not exactly be God, but we’re not exactly nothing, either.”
Step 3 in AA,—— turn our lives and will to God or our understanding of our HP
Yes, yes. I need to love me as God does, not my beast wants. Since I believe there is a piece of God in me, my soul, who is shouting out between the beast’s call to lizard like desire in alcohol, I turn my soul over to the part of me that consciously knows what is right for me, with the help of other souls, the healing grace of love, and last but not least, a community of souls who are reaching out to me in energy waves across mikes and kilometers, near and far, saying “You can heal. You can be happy. You are loved and whole. Believe it. Believe in the Universal Mind, your HP.”
I do. I do.
A view that will be from our living room in a couple years. Went up there tonight, and am so grateful to be blessed and choosing a life of love for myself, to behave as if I’m someone I love and care for, someone I’m responsible for.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Because you confused abstinence with control
Such a great insight.
I really like your style here - looking forward to following along.
Best-
-B
We seldom leave places we understand, and we certainly do not like it when we are compelled to or when it happens accidentally
This goes for mental places as well as physical. Look up 'cognitive ease.' We've evolved to go on autopilot - it conserves heaps of energy and difficulty. In fact, we'll go to some crazy scary lengths to preserve familiarity so long as issues aren't immediately stomping us in the face. I like some of JP's commentary on the importance of periodic chaos in our lives as a means to strengthen ourselves and get to know ourselves on a level impossible to reach otherwise. Not that I'm either going to or recommend looking for more chaos mind you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Thanks Buckley for your insightful comments. Funny as you were replying here, I was commenting on your post 🤓
So very glad you are well, and so appreciate your post tonight as well.
I will look up ‘Cognitive ease’
So very glad you are well, and so appreciate your post tonight as well.
I will look up ‘Cognitive ease’
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Really appreciating and enjoying this thread, Free. You are a prolific and expressive thinker and writer.
Keep up the great work on your sobriety and the other amazing efforts to delve into your patterns and who you are.
It is so important to know and love ourselves, and this will pay off in so many ways for you.
Fantastic view you will have there too, simply spectacular!
Keep up the great work on your sobriety and the other amazing efforts to delve into your patterns and who you are.
It is so important to know and love ourselves, and this will pay off in so many ways for you.
Fantastic view you will have there too, simply spectacular!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Free, it’s day 8…. How did you feel when you woke up, and how do you feel right now? Do you have FOMO?
I’ll start with last night. Last night, the renters upstairs were tromping and stoping, and the whole town is lit with visitors who are ‘lit’. I live in a resort town, and until we get out of here in two years, it’s just the way it is. So last night, I decided to put ear plugs in my ears AND put noise cancelling headphones over my ears. I took care of me in a few ways. One, I didn’t drink to ‘fall asleep fast’, and two, I didn’t storm upstairs to unite the new short term renters with what is social etiquette after 10pm, and three, I reduced the noise in my head with earplugs and noise cancelling headphones.
The result of that was I slept fairly well, and I was so UNASHAMED of myself when I woke up. In fact, I was pretty darned happy with myself, and a spring to my step as I headed toward the coffee maker. THAT’S how I felt this morning.
Dr Free and I also took a glorious hike up to Uneva peak today, with glorious views. We started out fairly early, and the temp was low, about 34 degrees Fahrenheit , and a little frost on the ground. We love nature, and love to push our senior bodies to the limits and experience nature this way.
So back at home, and after a salad for lunch, also posting here.
In pondering Rule 2, I found this note I made and copied and pasted it here, from a book “The Language of Letting Go”.
I think so many things ring true here, and I’m actively trying to live it. So far, results are GREAT!
Self Care - From ‘The Language of Letting Go’
Self Care
When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.
—Beyond Codependency
The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy on to our responsibilities and ourselves is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then, we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?
What do I need and want to do?
What would demonstrate love and self-responsibility?
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.
Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I've been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.
Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.
Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.
Have I been neglecting my work on daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then, we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.
Today, I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.
~Melody Beatty
Language of Letting Go
I’ll start with last night. Last night, the renters upstairs were tromping and stoping, and the whole town is lit with visitors who are ‘lit’. I live in a resort town, and until we get out of here in two years, it’s just the way it is. So last night, I decided to put ear plugs in my ears AND put noise cancelling headphones over my ears. I took care of me in a few ways. One, I didn’t drink to ‘fall asleep fast’, and two, I didn’t storm upstairs to unite the new short term renters with what is social etiquette after 10pm, and three, I reduced the noise in my head with earplugs and noise cancelling headphones.
The result of that was I slept fairly well, and I was so UNASHAMED of myself when I woke up. In fact, I was pretty darned happy with myself, and a spring to my step as I headed toward the coffee maker. THAT’S how I felt this morning.
Dr Free and I also took a glorious hike up to Uneva peak today, with glorious views. We started out fairly early, and the temp was low, about 34 degrees Fahrenheit , and a little frost on the ground. We love nature, and love to push our senior bodies to the limits and experience nature this way.
So back at home, and after a salad for lunch, also posting here.
In pondering Rule 2, I found this note I made and copied and pasted it here, from a book “The Language of Letting Go”.
I think so many things ring true here, and I’m actively trying to live it. So far, results are GREAT!
Self Care - From ‘The Language of Letting Go’
Self Care
When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.
—Beyond Codependency
The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy on to our responsibilities and ourselves is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then, we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?
What do I need and want to do?
What would demonstrate love and self-responsibility?
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.
Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I've been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.
Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.
Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.
Have I been neglecting my work on daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then, we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.
Today, I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.
~Melody Beatty
Language of Letting Go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
At the beginning, about a mile in to the 2000:vertical and 6.4 mile hike.
The path on the way up
View looking south from snack spot. Smokehouse almonds, and favorite American snack cracker, wheat thins washed down with homemade mango Ceylon iced tea and lots of water.
Another cool view in same direction without my feet and poles in the way 🤪
Looking back at the summit, a dangerous slog down and I skidded on my bum for a moment, but all good.
And last, but certainly not least, the yummy salad for lunch: pickled baby beets, red onion, chopped celery, shaved carrots, Swiss and cheddar cheese, and lemon olive oil and herbed sautéed chicken breast. No dressing for me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Thank you, RAL. I believe it is helping me, and I’m so glad that it is helping you and possibly a few others.
We are a team, and I truly believe that all our actions and thoughts create negative or positive energy ripples in the universe. I know, far out, right? 🤓
We are a team, and I truly believe that all our actions and thoughts create negative or positive energy ripples in the universe. I know, far out, right? 🤓
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Great stuff.
I was struck by a couple of phrases:
and
Specifically - the words 'do' and 'demonstrate' jumped off the page at me. I'm a thinker and I spend a lot of time in my head. It's great for analytics and problem solving, not so great - I'm learning - for self actualization. I'm growing in the belief that self actualization is realized by doing, living, being in the world.
I've always just assumed that beliefs lead to thoughts which lead to actions. And maybe that's a little true, but lately I'm starting to think that the vast majority of time I act out in the world and then develop thoughts and beliefs to tell a story about it... and that the vast majority of my actions likely stem from pre-lingual habits and patterns of behavior coming from somewhere in my reptile brain.
Your post reminded me that we have to actually DO the things, routinely. And likely the bigger questions get revealed as a result of the doing rather than some intellectual revelation after ruminating for hours on the subject...
Great stuff.
-B
I was struck by a couple of phrases:
What do I need and want to do?
What would demonstrate love and self-responsibility?
I've always just assumed that beliefs lead to thoughts which lead to actions. And maybe that's a little true, but lately I'm starting to think that the vast majority of time I act out in the world and then develop thoughts and beliefs to tell a story about it... and that the vast majority of my actions likely stem from pre-lingual habits and patterns of behavior coming from somewhere in my reptile brain.
Your post reminded me that we have to actually DO the things, routinely. And likely the bigger questions get revealed as a result of the doing rather than some intellectual revelation after ruminating for hours on the subject...
Great stuff.
-B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Wow, Free, Day 9!
Whats going on in your head today, and how will you love yourself—that is, what action will you take?
First thing is I’ll observe that it’s the first night I’ve slept through since 8/28. I still take a sleeper every night (yep, did that with alcohol in my system too). Amazing the zing I have when my body and mind have had time to repair and refresh. Can’t that by drinking. Sure can conk out, but staying asleep? Feeling rested and unashamed? Doesn’t happen when I drink.
Dr Free and I started watching a new mini series last night. ‘Click Bait”. At first very turned off, but stuck with the first episode until the end and it’s quite the murder mystery. We ended up binge watching 4 episodes.
Heres my point. Like most movies, and friends, and restaurants, and commercials, and sometimes loved ones, the lie of alcohols magical powers is illustrated. Every time there was something stressful, or the main character, Pia, needed numbing,,all reached for alcohol. Only Pia is shown to be out of control with her drinking. For the others it’s romanticized, as if alcohol was a great elixir and calmer of fright and anxiety. I KNOW THIS IS A LIE, AND I HAD NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR THE POISON WHILE I WATCHED.
Let me give some examples of out of control, stealing others alcohol.
My career of taking alcohol in secret while visiting others happened in March of 2015, cleaning my ABF house and ‘rewarding’ myself with three mini airplane bottles of spirits. Needless to say, I was conked out taking my ‘afternoon’ nap when he arrived home. I felt very justified with the payment I paid to myself. But a little ashamed, as if I’d stolen from the cookie jar.
Next, Fast forward to friends in Naples, FL. We had drinks, about three each, and went to bed. Wasn’t enough for me, and I had seen the bottles on top of the fridge. So I poured a couple of fingers and shot them down my throat. Burning, repulsive, but I needed to relax my anxious mind. Discussion earlier in the evening had circled around Dr Free having texts and phone calls behind my back early in our relationship with someone he called a ‘friend’, that later I discovered was a lover for two years, and they were both polygamous. So unlike what I thought he was. I was devastated. He lied, he snuck, and I was so hurt. So numbing and hurting myself was going to fix it, right? And right on cue, alcohol took the emotional control gauge, broke it, and I was crying in bed to him about how hurt I was, and I just remembering going on and on. Felt like you know what on the plane ride back home. Sneaking the drinks didn’t do anything but cause me more shame, anxiety, and hurt my body.
Fast forward. At friends lake house in Missouri, and while Dr Free and friend unmoorimg boat, I thought it was ok to chug some liquor in his cabinet. The drink I had been poured earlier just didn’t do the trick, and I NEEDED more, much more, to get relief. Did I get relief? Maybe for a second. But I stole from a friend, I was pathetic, and all this time later I’m paying the price. Wow. So not worth it.
How about at friends cabin In the north woods? Having a fire outside, and whe I said I had to use the restroom, I was filling coffee cup with Tanqueray. Like they weren’t smelling it I’m sure. I passed out so,etc,et later while we were all watching a movie, and during my hangover in the morning had to be careful of my words as everyone recounted the movie details. I barely remember the movie. What fun for me!!!!
Not. Not fun. Drinking is not fun to me. It turns me into a monster that is inside and is empowered. Stealing? Sneaking? Horrendous……thinking I’m doing myself a favor and having one up on people? Sick. Sick.
So no, drinking is not good for me, my morals, and solves nothing. Remember that.
REMEMBER THAT!!!!,
Good Free, get it out. Forgive yourself. Take that walk. Try to golf. Learn something new today. Be kind to yourself, and to others as well. Change and happiness come from within. Open the door inwards and look what’s inside.
Whats going on in your head today, and how will you love yourself—that is, what action will you take?
First thing is I’ll observe that it’s the first night I’ve slept through since 8/28. I still take a sleeper every night (yep, did that with alcohol in my system too). Amazing the zing I have when my body and mind have had time to repair and refresh. Can’t that by drinking. Sure can conk out, but staying asleep? Feeling rested and unashamed? Doesn’t happen when I drink.
Dr Free and I started watching a new mini series last night. ‘Click Bait”. At first very turned off, but stuck with the first episode until the end and it’s quite the murder mystery. We ended up binge watching 4 episodes.
Heres my point. Like most movies, and friends, and restaurants, and commercials, and sometimes loved ones, the lie of alcohols magical powers is illustrated. Every time there was something stressful, or the main character, Pia, needed numbing,,all reached for alcohol. Only Pia is shown to be out of control with her drinking. For the others it’s romanticized, as if alcohol was a great elixir and calmer of fright and anxiety. I KNOW THIS IS A LIE, AND I HAD NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR THE POISON WHILE I WATCHED.
Let me give some examples of out of control, stealing others alcohol.
My career of taking alcohol in secret while visiting others happened in March of 2015, cleaning my ABF house and ‘rewarding’ myself with three mini airplane bottles of spirits. Needless to say, I was conked out taking my ‘afternoon’ nap when he arrived home. I felt very justified with the payment I paid to myself. But a little ashamed, as if I’d stolen from the cookie jar.
Next, Fast forward to friends in Naples, FL. We had drinks, about three each, and went to bed. Wasn’t enough for me, and I had seen the bottles on top of the fridge. So I poured a couple of fingers and shot them down my throat. Burning, repulsive, but I needed to relax my anxious mind. Discussion earlier in the evening had circled around Dr Free having texts and phone calls behind my back early in our relationship with someone he called a ‘friend’, that later I discovered was a lover for two years, and they were both polygamous. So unlike what I thought he was. I was devastated. He lied, he snuck, and I was so hurt. So numbing and hurting myself was going to fix it, right? And right on cue, alcohol took the emotional control gauge, broke it, and I was crying in bed to him about how hurt I was, and I just remembering going on and on. Felt like you know what on the plane ride back home. Sneaking the drinks didn’t do anything but cause me more shame, anxiety, and hurt my body.
Fast forward. At friends lake house in Missouri, and while Dr Free and friend unmoorimg boat, I thought it was ok to chug some liquor in his cabinet. The drink I had been poured earlier just didn’t do the trick, and I NEEDED more, much more, to get relief. Did I get relief? Maybe for a second. But I stole from a friend, I was pathetic, and all this time later I’m paying the price. Wow. So not worth it.
How about at friends cabin In the north woods? Having a fire outside, and whe I said I had to use the restroom, I was filling coffee cup with Tanqueray. Like they weren’t smelling it I’m sure. I passed out so,etc,et later while we were all watching a movie, and during my hangover in the morning had to be careful of my words as everyone recounted the movie details. I barely remember the movie. What fun for me!!!!
Not. Not fun. Drinking is not fun to me. It turns me into a monster that is inside and is empowered. Stealing? Sneaking? Horrendous……thinking I’m doing myself a favor and having one up on people? Sick. Sick.
So no, drinking is not good for me, my morals, and solves nothing. Remember that.
REMEMBER THAT!!!!,
Good Free, get it out. Forgive yourself. Take that walk. Try to golf. Learn something new today. Be kind to yourself, and to others as well. Change and happiness come from within. Open the door inwards and look what’s inside.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Hello dear Free, ending day 10 sober?
Are you going to bore us with another “Poor me, poor me, pour me, pour me a drink story?
uh, no.
Quite the opposite, actually. As so many members here have found, gratitude has a lot to do with changing our “poor me, poor me, which leads to pour me, pour me, pour me a drink,” thinking, or stinking thinking, as I call it.
Today is my 59th birthday. I chose to hike 13 miles and 3300 vertical feet. (20.82 kilometers), and about 1006 meters vertical, to a nearby lake. Shortly after my eyes opened, my sister text me happy birthday. Then my eldest daughter. And some time later my son and my youngest daughter. And tonight a colleague nurse from work.
We saw gorgeous views, wildlife, and took our physical strength and endurance to their limits. Another mutual friend texted to have dinner with us, and we had wonderful pizza and good conversation.
So, I could bemoan many negatives today, but I’m choosing to see all the things I am grateful for.
My sister after looking at my first of the morning selfie, said I looked like our Mum [RIP], and how wise and classy she was. Our mum, BTW, had two strokes when she was 45 and remained a left hémiplégique until she passed away. And my sister, stated after she was told of our giant hike plans today, that mum would have loved to have been able to hike, heck, she would have been ever so glad to walk across the kitchen floor, or stand to do dishes.
So here is what I’m grateful for today:
1)My sisters reaching out to me today
2)my children (all adults) texting today
3)My Mums words ringing in my ears circa 1967 “Be thankful you have two arms, legs, two eyes, ears, and a good brain. Use them! And money can’t buy you health, you need to take care of yourself.” This touted 9 years before she was dealt a bad hand in life
4) Dr Free
5) SR and all of you here
6) that I live in a wondrous place
7) that I have the financial capacity not to work today, and the physical capacity to enjoy nature
8) For friends locally
9) For yummy supreme pizza
10) for the internet
11) FOR CHOOSING SOBRIETY TODAY, AND FOR THE PREVIOUS CONTINUING DAYS since 8/28/21
So I’ll share some of the pics and explain underneath them.
Tomorrow travelling, and somehow over the next 10 days will still manage to try and post, not sure of internet connection where we are going.
Are you going to bore us with another “Poor me, poor me, pour me, pour me a drink story?
uh, no.
Quite the opposite, actually. As so many members here have found, gratitude has a lot to do with changing our “poor me, poor me, which leads to pour me, pour me, pour me a drink,” thinking, or stinking thinking, as I call it.
Today is my 59th birthday. I chose to hike 13 miles and 3300 vertical feet. (20.82 kilometers), and about 1006 meters vertical, to a nearby lake. Shortly after my eyes opened, my sister text me happy birthday. Then my eldest daughter. And some time later my son and my youngest daughter. And tonight a colleague nurse from work.
We saw gorgeous views, wildlife, and took our physical strength and endurance to their limits. Another mutual friend texted to have dinner with us, and we had wonderful pizza and good conversation.
So, I could bemoan many negatives today, but I’m choosing to see all the things I am grateful for.
My sister after looking at my first of the morning selfie, said I looked like our Mum [RIP], and how wise and classy she was. Our mum, BTW, had two strokes when she was 45 and remained a left hémiplégique until she passed away. And my sister, stated after she was told of our giant hike plans today, that mum would have loved to have been able to hike, heck, she would have been ever so glad to walk across the kitchen floor, or stand to do dishes.
So here is what I’m grateful for today:
1)My sisters reaching out to me today
2)my children (all adults) texting today
3)My Mums words ringing in my ears circa 1967 “Be thankful you have two arms, legs, two eyes, ears, and a good brain. Use them! And money can’t buy you health, you need to take care of yourself.” This touted 9 years before she was dealt a bad hand in life
4) Dr Free
5) SR and all of you here
6) that I live in a wondrous place
7) that I have the financial capacity not to work today, and the physical capacity to enjoy nature
8) For friends locally
9) For yummy supreme pizza
10) for the internet
11) FOR CHOOSING SOBRIETY TODAY, AND FOR THE PREVIOUS CONTINUING DAYS since 8/28/21
So I’ll share some of the pics and explain underneath them.
Tomorrow travelling, and somehow over the next 10 days will still manage to try and post, not sure of internet connection where we are going.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
