Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Update
When I was drinking, all I really had time for was drinking. If I wasn't spending time working off a hangover and feeling regret then I was thinking about when I could drink. The drinking became an all consuming situation. The "who I wanted to be" and the "who I was" did not align. Not in any moment on any day. I was actively alcoholic and it actively took over my entire life.
Who did I want to be? A solid runner. A stable person. A dedicated person to whatever I was dedicating myself to. A happy person. One who wasn't plagued by guilt and addiction. A solid worker. All the good things.....I wanted to be the good things of myself without the darkness of an active addiction. Its real dark when you're in the thick of it. I found myself swallowed up by the darkness. The thoughts that live in the darkness were too many and too terrifying. My last drinking episode put me in the darkest place I've truly ever been in. Live or die. That was the writing on the wall and in my heart.
Almost one year later....( Ive got 38 days to go!!) .... I sat outside today and realized that my productivity level on any given day is through the roof. The days I do take off to lay around are not filled with self loathing, depression, anxiety or hangovers. I am completely me. I am not filled with regret or thoughts of who I want to be. I am not filled with thoughts that I am an alcoholic and I have to quit. Those thoughts of being alcoholic and having an addiction were relentless. Even though we know the truth it is so hard to walk away from the addiction and to deal with yourself. The dealing with myself was EPIC. Months of hanging on and searching for meaning or purpose or both. I cant be who I am meant to be in this world with a wine bottle in my hand. I cant be who I am meant to be without the hard ******* work to get there.
I am happy here in this place. This place is so comforting. I have worked every single day at sobriety and cleaning out the **** that is holding me back. My brain is a strange place. Its becoming less strange and leaning into a serene mode.
I believe in the power of this community and I also believe that we have the power to change our lives. Its hard ******* work but the work has unlimited rewards. I think the one thing that has saved me is structure. A consistent day to day routine that encompasses health. Emotional, mental, spiritual and physical health.
Today, I ran some miles and had my weight routine. I worked in the yard. I cleaned the house. I danced around and sang WHAM really loudly. Tina Turner made her way into my day and we were on fire! Each day gets better. Even the hard days are nothing compared to the hell I was living in! Keep going. Reach for the stars. Change your life. You CAN change your life. Gratitude. Find the solution. Keep moving forward!
Who did I want to be? A solid runner. A stable person. A dedicated person to whatever I was dedicating myself to. A happy person. One who wasn't plagued by guilt and addiction. A solid worker. All the good things.....I wanted to be the good things of myself without the darkness of an active addiction. Its real dark when you're in the thick of it. I found myself swallowed up by the darkness. The thoughts that live in the darkness were too many and too terrifying. My last drinking episode put me in the darkest place I've truly ever been in. Live or die. That was the writing on the wall and in my heart.
Almost one year later....( Ive got 38 days to go!!) .... I sat outside today and realized that my productivity level on any given day is through the roof. The days I do take off to lay around are not filled with self loathing, depression, anxiety or hangovers. I am completely me. I am not filled with regret or thoughts of who I want to be. I am not filled with thoughts that I am an alcoholic and I have to quit. Those thoughts of being alcoholic and having an addiction were relentless. Even though we know the truth it is so hard to walk away from the addiction and to deal with yourself. The dealing with myself was EPIC. Months of hanging on and searching for meaning or purpose or both. I cant be who I am meant to be in this world with a wine bottle in my hand. I cant be who I am meant to be without the hard ******* work to get there.
I am happy here in this place. This place is so comforting. I have worked every single day at sobriety and cleaning out the **** that is holding me back. My brain is a strange place. Its becoming less strange and leaning into a serene mode.
I believe in the power of this community and I also believe that we have the power to change our lives. Its hard ******* work but the work has unlimited rewards. I think the one thing that has saved me is structure. A consistent day to day routine that encompasses health. Emotional, mental, spiritual and physical health.
Today, I ran some miles and had my weight routine. I worked in the yard. I cleaned the house. I danced around and sang WHAM really loudly. Tina Turner made her way into my day and we were on fire! Each day gets better. Even the hard days are nothing compared to the hell I was living in! Keep going. Reach for the stars. Change your life. You CAN change your life. Gratitude. Find the solution. Keep moving forward!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
I love this post. Congrats to you on your journey.
I must have read the line "I can't be who I am meant to be in this world with a wine bottle in my hand" 20 times. It thunked me right in the head, its so brilliant.
Keep dancing.
I must have read the line "I can't be who I am meant to be in this world with a wine bottle in my hand" 20 times. It thunked me right in the head, its so brilliant.
Keep dancing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: New England, U.S
Posts: 204
What a great post Mizz- so very happy for you that you have achieved so much in 11 months..inner peace, strength, hope, calm etc. You have been an uplifting and positive source of support here at SR for me, and no doubt, dozens more. More proof that you have that Superwoman suit somewhere in your home.... ; )
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I felt your desperation at times on this forum.
I was there myself so I think the connection happened because parts of your story were also my story. That's the power of the fellowship of former drinkers. It's a war, a battle with self and the world. It takes way longer than any of us would like and it is a daily minute-by-minute battle of the mind - especially at the beginning.
I am so happy for you on your successful escape from the madness. Stay vigilant, the One Year is a biggie.
I was there myself so I think the connection happened because parts of your story were also my story. That's the power of the fellowship of former drinkers. It's a war, a battle with self and the world. It takes way longer than any of us would like and it is a daily minute-by-minute battle of the mind - especially at the beginning.
I am so happy for you on your successful escape from the madness. Stay vigilant, the One Year is a biggie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Brilliant post, Mizz. You are a great example to me, and many, of how capable we are of beating the Beast. No one has to live in the throws of, or be a victim to, alcoholism. Your story is a testament to Recovery and the exponentially better way of living that awaits one willing to take the plunge and do the work.
I hope that your Opening Post and this thread become part of The Best of SR.
I hope that your Opening Post and this thread become part of The Best of SR.
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Mizz, I swear I’ve had that same inner monologue that plagued me for years. Getting out has been the best thing ever. I loathed being an alcoholic in active drinking knowing I need to quit and not quitting. Watching my ambition and productivity suffer. I was still excelling versus my peers at work but seriously doing it hung over, hating myself and second guessing all my thoughts, choices, emotions.
The freedom from that madness is amazing. Who knew productivity could be so much better and stable.
Very good post, and congrats on your near 1 year mark! It keeps getting better!
The freedom from that madness is amazing. Who knew productivity could be so much better and stable.
Very good post, and congrats on your near 1 year mark! It keeps getting better!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Thank you for all the support, SR!
This place is a source of wisdom and comfort. We are not alone in our struggles. Day by day it does get better.
If you are struggling and dont know how you will make it to day one just know you are not alone. We all have to start somewhere.
We all had a day one of quitting alcohol. I would log on here when I was drunk and read. I wanted to be here and be present in those times. I wanted to be sober. I was stuck until I wasn't. It takes what it takes.
Keeping the forward momentum!
This place is a source of wisdom and comfort. We are not alone in our struggles. Day by day it does get better.
If you are struggling and dont know how you will make it to day one just know you are not alone. We all have to start somewhere.
We all had a day one of quitting alcohol. I would log on here when I was drunk and read. I wanted to be here and be present in those times. I wanted to be sober. I was stuck until I wasn't. It takes what it takes.
Keeping the forward momentum!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
I was stuck until I wasn't
And as hard as the journey was at times, it was worth every bit of effort I put into it. Congrats on 11 months and thank you for expressing your thoughts so wonderfully.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Updating the Update:
I had some work issues to resolve and a few months ago. I was in a meeting and told "if things do not turn around we are going to be having a different conversation!" Now, this individual cannot fire me and his threats (which I took it as such) were really just a power play. A way to make me feel inferior. This individual will tell you your job and how to do your job and the correct way of everything. Condescending and patronizing behavior. We all know those types. There is usually one in the group.
I generally rise above it by keeping distance and keeping conversation minimal. When I am forced (yes, forced to listen) I take in as much as I can and then chant like crazy in my head while his mouth moves. ........
I chant for harmony between us and also chant for me to keep my mouth shut. Its a process. A process that I am successfully navigating.
In that meeting, I told the individuals that we needed to remain positive and that I had never been in this situation before so It will turn around. The situation involves margins and meeting target margins. So, I was falling short. I was given this information in the middle of a quarter. I was not sure how i was going to make headway in the quarter we were in due to having information that was late....but I was determined to win. Determined. ******* Determined.
Each morning I focused in morning prayer about what I needed to do and chanted for clarity and answers. Each day was a day to make a move in the right direction. I am the buyer for over 100 direct lines and I manage 2 plus departments. I order 33% of the stores inventory. Each day I made giant strides in the direction I thought I needed to go. I was not given any tools to make this happen or really any advice. I just had to turn it around.......
I saw the margins yesterday and I have exceeded the target margins. Somehow I was able to turn the entire ship around in a short period of time. I do believe that what I am doing is WINNING! I feel very happy about all of this!
Thank you for reading!
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
I had some work issues to resolve and a few months ago. I was in a meeting and told "if things do not turn around we are going to be having a different conversation!" Now, this individual cannot fire me and his threats (which I took it as such) were really just a power play. A way to make me feel inferior. This individual will tell you your job and how to do your job and the correct way of everything. Condescending and patronizing behavior. We all know those types. There is usually one in the group.
I generally rise above it by keeping distance and keeping conversation minimal. When I am forced (yes, forced to listen) I take in as much as I can and then chant like crazy in my head while his mouth moves. ........
I chant for harmony between us and also chant for me to keep my mouth shut. Its a process. A process that I am successfully navigating. In that meeting, I told the individuals that we needed to remain positive and that I had never been in this situation before so It will turn around. The situation involves margins and meeting target margins. So, I was falling short. I was given this information in the middle of a quarter. I was not sure how i was going to make headway in the quarter we were in due to having information that was late....but I was determined to win. Determined. ******* Determined.
Each morning I focused in morning prayer about what I needed to do and chanted for clarity and answers. Each day was a day to make a move in the right direction. I am the buyer for over 100 direct lines and I manage 2 plus departments. I order 33% of the stores inventory. Each day I made giant strides in the direction I thought I needed to go. I was not given any tools to make this happen or really any advice. I just had to turn it around.......
I saw the margins yesterday and I have exceeded the target margins. Somehow I was able to turn the entire ship around in a short period of time. I do believe that what I am doing is WINNING! I feel very happy about all of this!
Thank you for reading!
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well done, recovered Grasshopper.
um..edit**(I mean that in a loving way, not condescendingly...I just checked Urban Dictionary to see if the term had morphed in the past 50 years, and maybe it has? Can't tell. Anyway, you're a very quick study and, seriously - well done.)
Also, I'm shocked that TV show was 50 years ago...
um..edit**(I mean that in a loving way, not condescendingly...I just checked Urban Dictionary to see if the term had morphed in the past 50 years, and maybe it has? Can't tell. Anyway, you're a very quick study and, seriously - well done.)
Also, I'm shocked that TV show was 50 years ago...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Thank you for an uplifting post Mizz. Not feeling alone anymore is what made the difference for me. Finding SR & people like you has saved me, literally.
Congratulations on your upcoming one year anniversary. I felt much stronger when I knew I could make it through all the 'firsts' (holidays, vacations, etc.).
We are doing this & we will always continue to grow. I'm so grateful.
Congratulations on your upcoming one year anniversary. I felt much stronger when I knew I could make it through all the 'firsts' (holidays, vacations, etc.).
We are doing this & we will always continue to grow. I'm so grateful.
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