Jillian2563

So I’m 2 weeks sober and you guys know this is the longest I’ve been sober since 2017. Two weeks ago I had the worst mental effects I’ve had since drinking. I was hung over and had a panic attack but also felt like I was going insane. And that episode is what I feel like has kept me sober these past two weeks. I haven’t really had any cravings. But today I have been having thoughts. Not so much cravings but thoughts. We’ve been outside doing a yard sale today and my hubby has already had a few. My SIL came by and opened a beer. And the thought, I could have just one (and rationalizing I will only have one because I don’t want to be in mental hell again) entered my mind and we all know how that turns out. Mind also seems to be using the recent dr appt too now knowing everything is “fine” with liver tests and throat endoscopy.

I guess I’m just hoping I will get to a place where I don’t want it, don’t need and find energy and spunk again. These pay two weeks, I haven’t wanted it. But I’ve been fatigued and just don’t feel “fun” or outgoing. Thanks for listening.

doggonecarl

When was the last time you drank just one?

Thoughts of drinking is normal. I had to say NO to thoughts of drinking for a couple of months. They are just that....thoughts.

You want cravings? Drink that one beer.

Finalcall

One beer does turn the volume up on them cravings.

advbike

Oh Jillian. Please do whatever it takes to stay sober. Early sobriety is not the time to pretend everything is normal and try to white-knuckle your way through it. I know some people say we should be able to do it on our own, even if those around us are drinking but it isn't easy, and many of them have relapsed multiple times. If you really want this, do what it takes.

If that means telling people not to drink in front of you then tell them. If it means avoiding situations where people will be drinking, do that too. Tell your husband you need some support, for heaven's sake. Heck I would have a hard time if others were drinking beers in front of me. My first thought is they are very inconsiderate if they do that and know you are trying to quit. It doesn't need to be forever, but it really makes a difference in the first 90 days or so.

Dee74

Hi Jillian

First off, 2weeks is great

Everyone has thoughts…’Maybe I overreacted - I feel fine now, maybe I could have just one, I can learn to be a normal drinker by keeping pace with these guys…I know now how dangerous alcohol is’ blah blah blah…

It’s all addict nonsense

You me and everyone else reading this thread is better off not drinking….period.

Everyone has thoughts tho. especially early on.
It’s not a sign that you’ll never get this, or that you are doomed to drink, or that things will never get better than this.

Thoughts are thoughts - it’s what we do with those thoughts that counts

Double down on the recovery stuff. You can do this

D

RUL23

You want cravings? Drink that one beer.[/QUOTE]

nailed it. It's so much easier for me not to drink. Got the struggle of moderation was mental gymnastics. Worse. Mental prison.

RecklessDrunk

The way I understand it there are 2 components of alcoholism. The physical allergy (if even just for lack of a better term) and the mental obsession. Not just the allergic reaction we have to alcohol but the loop is closed by the obsession. The obsession closes the trap on us. If it was as simple as the physical allergy we could just step away. If somebody has a peanut allergy they don't eat peanuts. They don't go meetings or rehabs or counseling.

The obsession is a form of insanity. Know that any thought of a drink is only a moment of insanity. Urges to drink can be like getting caught in a rip tide. They can come on suddenly and feel like they are taking you out to sea. They're not, just keep swimming along the coast you get right out of them. If you are alcoholic these waves of urges will continue to come from time to time in those first weeks. Just let them roll off you. In general they are getting weaker though a strong urge may come time to time. Even the stronger urges will blow over and you are right back to weaker and weaker urges. A few weeks in you may get hit with some urges. Think the drink through, let the urge blow over. Today, just today. I dont need this today, I want to wake up sober tomorrow. Not forever, not the next big occasion, holiday, just today. Today is all we can control. Don't get overwhelmed with OMG I can never drink again.

I use to think in early sobriety I can stay sober in the near future but what if i live to be 80. Maybe I'll drink then. I can't just sit in a nursing home and do sing a longs. I was 41/42 at the time. My sponsor says well that is quite a ways off, how about worry about that down the road and just stay sober now.

Jillian2563

The thing is, I haven’t been white knuckling, like I have in the past. I have reloaded so many times I cant even count. Something shifted in my mind when that mental breakdown happened; I never ever want to feel like that again. I didn’t have cravings today, just thoughts. So I guess that’s a plus.

As far as my husband goes, he knows I’m not happy with him. Not sure what else to do. I even slept in a separate bed last night. Just tired of going back and forth with him.

katlin

I see you've posted again since this one and I'm hoping your resolve to get through today without drinking is intact. I'm barely over 3 weeks without my daily wine so I feel you. The tug begins for me this time (6 PM EST) each evening. But, I don't want to have to face myself if I drink this evening and I don't want to have to have another day one. I've read the excellent posts from those who have walked the sober path for a long time. I hope you make it through this day without alcohol and I hope I do too. Tomorrow, we'll be stronger for it. Good luck.

Jillian2563

I will it drink today, nor tomorrow. I mainly posted to get these thoughts out. I won’t act on it. Don’t even have cravings.

katlin

[QUOTE=RecklessDrunk;7690534]The way I understand it there are 2 components of alcoholism. The physical allergy (if even just for lack of a better term) and the mental obsession. Not just the allergic reaction we have to alcohol but the loop is closed by the obsession. The obsession closes the trap on us. If it was as simple as the physical allergy we could just step away. If somebody has a peanut allergy they don't eat peanuts. They don't go meetings or rehabs or counseling.

The obsession is a form of insanity. Know that any thought of a drink is only a moment of insanity. Urges to drink can be like getting caught in a rip tide. They can come on suddenly and feel like they are taking you out to sea. They're not, just keep swimming along the coast you get right out of them. If you are alcoholic these waves of urges will continue to come from time to time in those first weeks. Just let them roll off you. In general they are getting weaker though a strong urge may come time to time. Even the stronger urges will blow over and you are right back to weaker and weaker urges. A few weeks in you may get hit with some urges. Think the drink through, let the urge blow over. Today, just today. I dont need this today, I want to wake up sober tomorrow. Not forever, not the next big occasion, holiday, just today. Today is all we can control. Don't get overwhelmed with OMG I can never drink again.

Reckless,
Excellent post and I especially like the comparison of a rip tide to the tug of the AV. I'm working on swimming parallel to the shore every time I feel it and now I'll have the visual you've provided. Yes, it's scary but if we panic it will be harder not to drown. We have the tools within us and around us through our supports to get back to shore. Your post really gave me strength this evening. Thank you!

Disser

Just remember what happens when you drink. Your mental health will go right back down again. It will happen again and you can’t stop it unless you don’t drink. You say you don’t feel fun not drinking but from the sounds of it your mental health going sounds even less fun

Introvrtd1

I know how ya feel…Cravings can manifest itself in so many ways, it’s hard not to give in…but you can do it…Keep going.

Hodd

I like this. Not just this thread. Anyone who’s ended up on this site is better off not drinking 👍

Jillian2563

Thats what I keep reminding myself. I cannot and will not go back to that hell! Mental health illness is NOT fun!

Mizz

Thoughts will come and go. In the beginning the thoughts can be BIG. Your mind is adjusted to feeding it alcohol. It takes time to rewire our brains and to get adjusted to living our lives without alcohol. The thoughts do go away the longer you are sober. Every once in awhile my brain thinks of alcohol. Thinking and doing are two different things entirely. I remain focused by coming here and doing things that are healthy for me. Walks, runs, reading, writing, watching a series, prayer and gratitude. Engaging in hobbies has been a life saver for me.

What are your hobbies? Something that is yours alone that does not involve caring for all the other parts of your life like the house, children, husband and business?

DriGuy

Two weeks?? You're going to have thoughts at two weeks if you are anything like me. You will be having thoughts at two years and way into the future! But let's sort out the semantics, because semantics are often the basis of logical fallacies and lead to flawed reasoning and bad decisions. "Thoughts" are not "actions." The distinction there is obvious. When it comes to "cravings" and "thoughts," the distinction is not so obvious. For me, it felt like a slow transition where cravings at some point fell under my personal definition of "thoughts," eventually "fleeting thoughts." At that point, I quit worrying about them, because thoughts are not actions, and thoughts can't make you drink.

Now, you will have to shift your sobriety strategy to simple choices, rather than summoning all your will power. And if your goal is to stay sober, the choice is always to not drink. If that choice does not seem simple to you, you are playing head games with your AV and over complicating the issue beyond reason. Granted, this stuff is probably not second nature, but getting your head straight and clarifying the logical choices improves with practice. It was vital in my personal growth.

My approach to sobriety has changed dramatically over the years. It has never been static. We let go of strategies that no longer apply, and find new tools more appropriate to our needs as we grown and things change.

But keep in mind, you are at two weeks. You are still a baby, so to speak. There is no perfect sobriety that I know of, and if there were, it won't happen in two weeks. For now, just keep your nose to the grindstone and find some patience. Patience is not complacency. You must keep at it without wavering, but seeing the actual results requires patience.

As for you present worries, I'm not personally worried about them. You are where I would expect you to be at this point. I see nothing wrong with what you have done so far, and worrying about what this or that means is normal and even helpful, because as we all know, you have a lot at stake in this process. None of us wants to blow it at this point (or any point).

novips

The fundamental message I lurk around here to carry is that there is a type of alcoholic who cannot stay sober without committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am one of those types. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that. An here's a possibly relevant excerpt from A.A.'s Big Book:

DriGuy

Jillian, You will get to a place where you don't want it. I would argue that you are already there. That's why you post here. Your AV will try to entice you into believing you don't need to give it up, but that's just a habitual response, and breaking bad habits is never a walk in the park. Early on when I was fighting my way toward sobriety, I didn't want to drink, but when I was where you are now, don't think I didn't worry about the fact that I might drink again. You will get there. I promise.

Now if you really don't want to quit, that's a different story, and it's repeated over and over by alcoholics all the time who want to get better and be free of consequences, but still want to drink. I was there myself before I quit. Here again whether to drink is always a choice, and it always was.

ScottFromWI

Remove "I guess I'm just hoping" from the bolded statement above and re-read it to yourself - think about how powerful it might be to say that instead. That's really the bottom line - being intentional in your recovery will get you the results you want, where waiting and hoping generally will not. Sure Hope can be a powerful emotion, but it's not an actionable item.

For example, you took an actionable step by posting this - rather than the alternative, right? That's exactly what you should do when you have these kinds of thoughts, because you will have them again as we all do.