KTB5000

Everyday I wake up, get my son mentally up for school as positively as humanly possible.

I even make it a routine to stop a get him pancakes (his favorite) from McD's. I drop him off and my wine and caffeine fest begins until the afternoon. I take a nap then I'm back up in horror about the amounts I've consumed. Is it too much? Am I crazy? Should I be doing this? Am I fit?

On it goes, I have taken to Eastern meditation just to clear my mind of my own authoritative thoughts. I am a single mother. I spend every moment between my work and his school with him. What the **** is wrong with me that I am intellectually and emotionally unable to reconcile my problem and resort to a better outcome? Am I that lit?
I have lost. Over and over and over again.

Dee74

if you're an alcoholic stopping drinking is hard - it might be the hardest thing you so (or second hardest trying to juggle drinking and bringing up a kid).

I real;ly believe anyone can stop though. Look at what you're doing to not drink.
If it's not enough, what more can you add.

Do you have enough support? do you use it enough?
Do you commit everyday to not drinking?

Have you thought of other ways to relax or solve problems?

Questions like those can be a good starting point.

Try not to think if it as yet another duty or chore added to the pile but an act of self care towards yourself.

You love and care for your son - why not yourself?

Ultimately I really believe you'll find life easier as a sober person

D

KTB5000

Dee, I literally put myself - paid for - myself in a sober living for women. It was a much more beautiful place than I could ever afford in todays market.

You wanna know what I did? My wise and intelligent self? Oh Yea I messed that up too and drank on the sly. Got me nowhere. Right here actually.

Yes and I have a sponsor (got 3) all that I avoid because Ive been drinking again. And them AA people dont really take kindly to us drinking folk imho. What a way to ruin a healthy relationship!

At the end of the day, im back where I'm started. Digging myself a hole or an early grave.

Dee74

I don' know what to tell you except that I didn't get better until I took the option of drinking off the table.

I screamed into pillows, I kicked walls, I ate all the junk food, I exercised myself into a standstill, I looked for and gave support here, I rocked myself to sleep...but I didn't drink.

After a while the change 'took'

All those people you're avoiding - don't avoid them KTB - pride has killed a lot of people.
Chances are they've all been here too, and one of them might just have the blueprint you need.

If they really look down on you for drinking again - you need new people around you.

D

least

^^^ What Dee said, about the people around you. When we're trying so hard to quit, and failing, we beat ourselves up enough as it is and don't need others to beat us up as well.

I hope you'll make a plan to stay sober no matter what, by whatever means. My plan was seeing an addiction counselor once a week and daily visits to SR. When I wanted to drink I'd come here instead and read or post. I found a lot of strength from the support I got here. They believed in me even (especially) when I didn't believe in myself.

I hope you'll come here when you feel like drinking and post instead. Lots of support and love here. Avail yourself of it.

DriGuy

KTB, I have a question; What's on your mind when you choose to take your first drink of the day?

katlin

I am so sorry you are suffering. I think you're getting some very good advice here from Dee and others who have long term sobriety. I've only been alcohol free for a little over 3 weeks, but I have some experience with beating myself up mentality for drinking (and lots of other stuff). You know, there is a theory that says we become what we think we are (self-fulling prophecy) over time. For me, I found myself wallowing in all of my "I tried but I can't" thoughts until one day I thought "YES, I can". You can. You can. You can. Try to fill your hours with positive thoughts and actions. Clean out a closet. Turn on music. Take a walk. Call one of those AA sponsors and let them know what you've been up to. Log in here and post your thoughts. You can do it!

Nonsensical

Seems like you're addicted to alcohol.
My progression through alcohol addiction went like this:
Drinking is fun
I can't have fun without drinking
I feel bad unless I am drinking
I just need to control the damage my drinking is causing
I want to quit, but I still believe I can control this damage
I need to quit
If I don't quit, I might die
I quit

Any of that seem familiar?

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

lessgravity

I'm sorry you are suffering and putting your self through this KTB. Your post gave me a chill of recognition - I was heavily drinking and trying my best as a single father when my son was about the same age as your kid. It's a brutal and painful place to be. There's a solution but it requires a commitment and work. One has to make a plan, stick to it and surf the urges to drink and push through and stay sober and leverage every single thing of value in one's life until finally and permanently the beauty and peace and self-trust and parenthood that you so desperately want it yours for good. It's worth it.

Thesaviour

It doesn't sound like any fun at all.

Hevyn

Hi KTB. I'm so glad you posted about what's going on.
What Nonsensical said about the progression - that was my exact experience too. I wasted so many years, determined to control it - never realizing I'd crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking ages before. I was so afraid to let go of it, but why? It wasn't doing a thing but bringing me chaos & misery.
You can get free! Keep talking to us. We care.

Dee74

How are you KTB?

D

KTB5000

DriGuy,

Thank you for asking bc I have become so complusive in my drinking that it has become pathological, habitual,.... phenotypical. I dont think about my first drink...its just what I do. As I analyze my day such as work, kid, school, etc. I literally rationalize how to fit drinking because I deserve a 'fix.' I'm completely demoralized and incapable of maintaining any meaningful relationships. I'm in bondage with alcohol. It sucks. I hate it. I want out. Period....but I dont.

KTB5000

Dee,
You are a endless thread of intelligence and compassion. Thank you for asking. I am the same, however it almost seems like you work tirelessly for assholes like me. Thank you.

VikingGF

KTB you are worth saving as much as anyone else, so please tell yourself that. Unfortunately, the path you are headed down will leave your son without a mom, so reach out to whomever you can for help. Often we put our own interpretation on what we think people may think because we feel so bad about ourselves- but they just want to help. And the last time alcohol fixed anything for me was..... never. It demoralized me and made me incapable, too. When I stopped, my view started changing pretty quickly, and it will for you, too. The first step is just to NOT do something. Not drink. You can do this. It sounds so simple but it is just that one thing to start. YOU can do this.

KTB5000

I appreciate all the support. Hevyn, lessgravity, I hate that I forget names so easily!! But I do. And my words never quite reflect my intentions. I hope it works out Viking because I literally saw myself in my worst state but after a few days it was like it never happened.

KTB5000

I need more than a saviour. I might require a lobotomy. How can one man/woman be so detestable to his/her own self? How can my own intellect work against itself to this degree?

KTB5000

SR has helped me before so I believe it can help me again. This is me pulling at the teeth of my own existence and reality. I have nothing and no one left.

KTB5000

How does one utilize support?

KTB5000

Thank you katlin. Thank you Least and Nonsensical. I truly love you. I'm just not pulling my weight rn. I ain't worth a bucket of warm ****