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When Parents...

Old 08-26-2021, 03:55 AM
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When Parents...

Good morning all. Not sure that I'm considered a newcomer anymore, but you all are so helpful here that I thought to write this here.
In saying all of this, my intention is not to sound like a spoiled brat. It may come across that way, but I really hope you can see and help with what's going on.

My parents have been at me about getting a new (used) car for a while now. My car isn't in the best of shape, and I do need something more reliable. My current car probably has another little while to go though. Leaks oil, gear shifter gets stuck, trunk doesn't open sometimes, etc... minor things like that.
I don't make enough money to afford a car right now, so I just kept telling them that when the time comes, and I'm able to afford one, it'll be done!
Mid-week last week, dad called me up and told me that mom sold her jet ski, that they want me to buy a car for me. He said that he thought about it, and that he'd like me to be involved in me getting a new car. I immediately thought that was a bit of a funny thing to say, because of course the person that's getting a car should be able to test drive it, check it out, and have their mechanic look at it if they'd like.
So I got excited! I was so grateful, and thankful for this huge gift! We had talked about it every day since, and when I visited on the weekend I told them that I wanted to wait until winter in hopes that there'll be some better deals. We talked about what I'm looking for. Bigger than my current car, as my daughter's knees are nearly up to her chest in the back seat now, bigger trunk space as she has started in sports and we haul around a lot more gear than we have before, 4-door, a bit more horsepower etc...
Yesterday I got a call from dad, and he told me that HE BOUGHT ME A CAR! I was shocked! He went into detail about the car; it's a compact, 4 cyl, low miles, etc. He hadn't seen the car yet, he was just on the phone with the dealership when he put the money down after hearing about the low mileage. This is when I started feeling like a spoiled brat.
It's about the size of a Chevy Spark, which is pretty dang small if any of you know... I would NOT feel safe in a car like this. From what I've heard, insurance rates in red cars are the highest? Anyhow, the point is that he put a holding fee down for a car that neither of us had test driven, or had even seen!
I told him I'd call him back after I got home. When I did, I told him the things that I really just didn't feel right about, about the car. HE GOT SUPER MAD!!! He was so mad! He told me that because of me, he just lost $1,000. I told him that I'd come up with a way to give him the thousand dollars back. He hung up on me!

When I was nineteen, my parents went a year without talking to me because of a disagreement that we had.
I always get PTSD from situations like this.

Whew. Thanks for listening you guys. I really do not want to come across as spoiled, and ungrateful. I do not want to take something that I don't feel comfortable driving, and something that we won't fit into as a family (although I am just a single mom with her kiddo in tow, and our dog.)
I'm just feeling pretty low about the whole thing.
Thanks.
Enjoy the day!
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Old 08-26-2021, 04:16 AM
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I don't think you are a spoiled brat. I help my daughter out quite a bit even though, just like you, she doesn't ask. I do it because I want her to have things she can't yet afford. I would never steamroll her and buy whatever it was without checking to make sure she wants it. The last thing I bought her was a couch. I love buying furniture and what she picked out wasn't something I thought was a good deal or particularly stylish. I bought it because it was what she wanted and she's the one using it so it's her opinion that counts.

You said the gave you the silent treatment for a year over something. That's abuse. Your parents may very well have good intentions but just be a little immature or it could be a control thing. It's hard to say but for sure you have a valid grievance here.
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Old 08-26-2021, 04:18 AM
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Hi Wind Pines

I had to stop letting my folks ‘help’ out.
They would help out by doing what they thought I needed.

It started in my childhood with my disability anf them trying to keep me in cotton wool, and reached its peak in my ‘wasted years’ when I had no money…but I’m not that guy anymore.

I’m a fully functioning adult. I’m not rich but I’m comfortable.
If I can’t afford something I wait til I can.

It saves a lot of arguments

D
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Old 08-26-2021, 04:51 AM
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I think it was Anne Lamott who said "Help is the sunny side of control"

It sounds like you did express all of your wishes prior and had a game plan as to when and how you would get a new car. You had a timeline. Winter. You spoke of what you would like in a new car, etc.

It is not because of you that he lost $1000.00. He lost the money because of his actions and his determination to "help" you.

I am not sure how you will work this out with your parent but I do know that you are not the reason for his anger and you are not to blame for his actions. This car is not one that YOU want to drive and that is okay. You are not responsible for him. Anne Lamott also said "Quit spreading your help and goodness all over everything" ..... Its not helpful and its not what you want.

Solution:
Maybe you can trade in both cars for a car that you would actually like?!


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Old 08-26-2021, 05:03 AM
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I think buying things for people is a nice thing, as long as it's things they want, but there needs to be guidelines. A new set of dishes is a personal thing, and my wife and I looked at hundreds of sets in stores before we wound the right china. Cars are personal choices too. There are so many kinds and not all of them lend themselves to everyone's needs. Your dad doesn't understand this. He needs to, but his heart is in the right place. I don't know how you solve this without stepping on toes.
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Old 08-26-2021, 05:10 AM
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Your Dad lost the $1000. because of his choice, not because of anything you did. My parents used gifts as a way to control my brother and I. The gifts always came with strings. Be proud of yourself for speaking out and knowing what is the right thing for you.
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Old 08-26-2021, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Your Dad lost the $1000. because of his choice, not because of anything you did. My parents used gifts as a way to control my brother and I. The gifts always came with strings. Be proud of yourself for speaking out and knowing what is the right thing for you.
My little brother is my mom's golden child and he has started refusing anything from her. He said the same thing you did "there are always strings attached". I don't know what that means because she did the opposite to me in an attempt to see me fail so I would come crawling back. She tossed me aside and it was the best thing she ever could have done for me. My little brother will never be free. He actually caught her rummaging through his dresser drawers when she thought he was using the bathroom. He was 40 years old! Mind ya business old woman.

she's also extremely impulsive like the parents in the OP. She buys things the same way this father did. She just did this to my dad when she was in one of her episodes. She got a hair up her butt and decided they needed a new car and bought it right over the internet that day. My dad got irate when the finance company asked him a few questions about his loan application.
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Old 08-26-2021, 10:43 AM
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I think your Dad's heart was in the right place - he wanted you to have a newer, more reliable vehicle, but then he probably got caught up in the expense of it, or maybe the buying excitement, and took control of the situation. I don't know where you are but cars are actually hard to get right now here in the US, especially popular ones. No discounts. Lots pretty empty, except for high priced or low-demand models. Part of the whole Covid supply chain disruption.

Undoubtedly he should have involved you though, or waited, like you wanted to do. And he should have been able to get his deposit back.. with the demand for cars they can certainly sell it. It would have been better if he offered to help out with a certain amount, and then you could make the final decision and bear the additional cost on your own. Then no hard feelings and it is what you want. Maybe he could still do that with the dealership.. and apply the deposit accordingly?

I really do like Dee's point though. If we want to make decisions that work best for us, it's best to handle these things on our own. Which is what you were trying to do all along. I'm so sorry WindPines, especially that he seems so angry about it all. Sometimes family dynamics are really difficult. They almost seem pre-destined to fail. It happened in my family too. Another reason to find a better way.
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Old 08-28-2021, 09:27 PM
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No, you're not spoiled, just practical, and your father is not. Don't let him guilt you into feeling bad or responsible - you are neither.
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Old 08-29-2021, 05:28 AM
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Windpines, I can definitely sympathize. Sounds like your dad wants to help you, but just doesn't have the skill set to do it tactfully. I don't blame you for feeling steamrolled though. By not consulting with you during the process, your father brought failure upon himself. You are not on the hook to give him $1,000. You should not feel pressured to the point of having PTSD.
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