Forgiving Yourself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 280
Forgiving Yourself
Hi everyone-
I'm sure this topic has come up many times. I did some searching, but figured it'd be OK to post and bring to the top of the thread list.
I'm currently six and half months sober (straight), but overall I am sober for all of 2021 besides one day in February when I went wine tasting with my wife.
I struggle with OCD. I am currently in weekly therapy and have brought this up to my therapist.
I am really struggling with forgiving myself. I had run ins with the law (DUI), divorce (I am since happily remarried), health issues (pancreatitis and mild fatty liver), and many other problems surrounding my alcohol use. I drank heavily for about 8 years. I cannot stop thinking about my consumption and what I've done.
Anyone else experience this in early sobriety? I don't mean typical worry and guilt. I think about this all day long (this part is likely OCD related).
How can someone forgive themselves from years of abuse and move on?
I've lost 30 pounds. I look and feel the healthiest I've been in 15 years. But every morning I wake up depressed thinking about my past.
I'm sure this topic has come up many times. I did some searching, but figured it'd be OK to post and bring to the top of the thread list.
I'm currently six and half months sober (straight), but overall I am sober for all of 2021 besides one day in February when I went wine tasting with my wife.
I struggle with OCD. I am currently in weekly therapy and have brought this up to my therapist.
I am really struggling with forgiving myself. I had run ins with the law (DUI), divorce (I am since happily remarried), health issues (pancreatitis and mild fatty liver), and many other problems surrounding my alcohol use. I drank heavily for about 8 years. I cannot stop thinking about my consumption and what I've done.
Anyone else experience this in early sobriety? I don't mean typical worry and guilt. I think about this all day long (this part is likely OCD related).
How can someone forgive themselves from years of abuse and move on?
I've lost 30 pounds. I look and feel the healthiest I've been in 15 years. But every morning I wake up depressed thinking about my past.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 637
It takes time in recovery to have forgiveness for yourself. I learned during my recovery that self care is a non negotiable commitment that needs to be done everyday. As time passes I began understand my value and self worth. I have made million's of mistakes over the years it's what you do after those mistakes and how you grow from it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
I struggled with guilt in early sobriety but after a year and a half sober, I have a whole new set of memories to think about...many good ones for the right things I've done since I stopped drinking. It takes a lot of time to build a new life but you are doing it!
You can be proud because you're accomplishing the near impossible. Every minutes, alcohol takes a life....but not yours! Please, take some time to appreciate the enormity of what you are doing.
I think recovery occurs in stages. I've changed a lot, for the better, since I was 6 months sober. Keep working on the issues and it will all work out.
Sending peaceful, self-accepting, vibes your way
You can be proud because you're accomplishing the near impossible. Every minutes, alcohol takes a life....but not yours! Please, take some time to appreciate the enormity of what you are doing.
I think recovery occurs in stages. I've changed a lot, for the better, since I was 6 months sober. Keep working on the issues and it will all work out.
Sending peaceful, self-accepting, vibes your way
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Yes, I experienced that, too, RUL. I was consumed by guilt and shame and it would take over my thoughts so often. Many years ago, I posted here on SR about it because I was not able to move on in my mind. A few people suggested journalling which was something I didn't want to do. I didn't want to write down the jumble of negative thoughts running through my mind. But, I was desperate enough to give it a try and it really helped. I had a journal close by and would pick it up whenever my obsessive, negative thoughts took over and write it all out. I was surprised to find that it helped, bit by bit. In the end, I wrote in the journal for about a year and then finally I burned it. I didn't want anyone else to read it, ever, and burning it was kind of ceremonious. Maybe that would help you?
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
It is one of my greatest challenges.
6.5 months is awesome!!!
Go point at that guy in the mirror and say, "6.5 months sober. I did that for YOU! It was hard, but I did it. And tomorrow, I am going to do it again, because that's how we get better!"
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
6.5 months is awesome!!!
Go point at that guy in the mirror and say, "6.5 months sober. I did that for YOU! It was hard, but I did it. And tomorrow, I am going to do it again, because that's how we get better!"
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
In my opinion, for many of us, this can be the a lifetime's work. The patterns, habits, obstacles and cycles of generations reside in us - as Jung said the child's greatest burden is the unlived life of the parents (or something like that). I know that so much of what I struggle with in my permanent sobriety (in my 4th year now) has to do with self-forgiveness, self-exploration and the work. It doesn't happen overnight for those of us who struggle with it - but only in sobriety can it even properly be considered a goal.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by RUL23 
How can someone forgive themselves from years of abuse and move on?
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
(((hug)))
Maybe you can take baby steps in self-forgiveness. Try forgiving yourself for being sick first. Alcoholism is a Disease, you are not a bad person, you were sick. Now you are working on getting better. After you forgive yourself for being sick, then move on to the mistakes you made while in the grips of the illness. Trying to get over so much at once can be overwhelming. Guilt is this awful disease's most powerful tool to get you back!
I remember clearly the night I woke up in a cold sweat with the sick feeling of what I had let myself become and what I had done or what was done to me.... and I remember saying "Thank You God that I am not that person anymore" and going back to sleep. Before that I had to get up and stay up no matter the time, sleep was not coming back that night. I had over four years Sober at that time. Slowly but surely the feeling was not as bad as the last time, then my epiphany in the middle of the night! It felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders!! So simple...I am not that person anymore. Neither are you....baby steps.
Give yourself a break, 6 1/2 months sober is AMAZING, but you are still very new and raw in recovery. It does get better, you are NOT that person anymore!
Cathy
Maybe you can take baby steps in self-forgiveness. Try forgiving yourself for being sick first. Alcoholism is a Disease, you are not a bad person, you were sick. Now you are working on getting better. After you forgive yourself for being sick, then move on to the mistakes you made while in the grips of the illness. Trying to get over so much at once can be overwhelming. Guilt is this awful disease's most powerful tool to get you back!
I remember clearly the night I woke up in a cold sweat with the sick feeling of what I had let myself become and what I had done or what was done to me.... and I remember saying "Thank You God that I am not that person anymore" and going back to sleep. Before that I had to get up and stay up no matter the time, sleep was not coming back that night. I had over four years Sober at that time. Slowly but surely the feeling was not as bad as the last time, then my epiphany in the middle of the night! It felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders!! So simple...I am not that person anymore. Neither are you....baby steps.
Give yourself a break, 6 1/2 months sober is AMAZING, but you are still very new and raw in recovery. It does get better, you are NOT that person anymore!
Cathy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by stickyone
It takes time in recovery to have forgiveness for yourself. I learned during my recovery that self care is a non negotiable commitment that needs to be done everyday. As time passes I began understand my value and self worth. I have made million's of mistakes over the years it's what you do after those mistakes and how you grow from it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by Sober45
I struggled with guilt in early sobriety but after a year and a half sober, I have a whole new set of memories to think about...many good ones for the right things I've done since I stopped drinking. It takes a lot of time to build a new life but you are doing it!
You can be proud because you're accomplishing the near impossible. Every minutes, alcohol takes a life....but not yours! Please, take some time to appreciate the enormity of what you are doing.
I think recovery occurs in stages. I've changed a lot, for the better, since I was 6 months sober. Keep working on the issues and it will all work out.
Sending peaceful, self-accepting, vibes your way
You can be proud because you're accomplishing the near impossible. Every minutes, alcohol takes a life....but not yours! Please, take some time to appreciate the enormity of what you are doing.
I think recovery occurs in stages. I've changed a lot, for the better, since I was 6 months sober. Keep working on the issues and it will all work out.
Sending peaceful, self-accepting, vibes your way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by Anna
Yes, I experienced that, too, RUL. I was consumed by guilt and shame and it would take over my thoughts so often. Many years ago, I posted here on SR about it because I was not able to move on in my mind. A few people suggested journalling which was something I didn't want to do. I didn't want to write down the jumble of negative thoughts running through my mind. But, I was desperate enough to give it a try and it really helped. I had a journal close by and would pick it up whenever my obsessive, negative thoughts took over and write it all out. I was surprised to find that it helped, bit by bit. In the end, I wrote in the journal for about a year and then finally I burned it. I didn't want anyone else to read it, ever, and burning it was kind of ceremonious. Maybe that would help you?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Litchfield, SC
Posts: 585
Sponsor: "Do you think God has forgiven you?"
Me: "Yes."
Sponsor: "Do you think YOU have forgiven you?"
Me: "No."
Sponsor: "See the problem?"
[please, anyone, feel free to substitute HP of choice for "God"]
Me: "Yes."
Sponsor: "Do you think YOU have forgiven you?"
Me: "No."
Sponsor: "See the problem?"
[please, anyone, feel free to substitute HP of choice for "God"]
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I like what Dee said about doing good. If you concentrate on kindness and gratitude, you will find it's a lot easier to forgive yourself. It took me a while, but I'm now, more or less, at peace with myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 280
Thanks everyone. Appreciate the advice and kind words. A lot of good takeaways here.
I hope my body forgives all the damage I've done to it over the years, both mentally and physically.
But you're all right- I need to stay positive and move forward. I feel great (physically).
maybe I'll try and volunteer my time a bit this weekend at a local charity.
I hope my body forgives all the damage I've done to it over the years, both mentally and physically.
But you're all right- I need to stay positive and move forward. I feel great (physically).
maybe I'll try and volunteer my time a bit this weekend at a local charity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 34
I am only one day without a drink and I do understand the guilt, shame, and remorse. In fact, those things help me continue drinking. I can't afford to beat myself up anymore. My life is torn apart w/ no family or friends. Finances bleak, etc. I am going to have to take this all as a forward moving challenge as I think it will be imperative to stay positive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
I'm growing to believe it's not really done via thought, rather experience.
Learn to treat yourself well - through habits and routines. Eat clean, exercise, indulge in something you genuinely enjoy. Some sort of action. Not all at once. One thing at a time.
The voice of self-loathing will tend to still be there, but less frequent and much easier to counter. Also, I'm learning and experimenting with staying grounded in the daily habit of self care and finding that doing so really does attract better outcomes without me having to do much more than stick to my routines of solid living.
Don't get me wrong - far from having it all sorted and still have my days that those voices and self-critique win the day.
But just recently in my journey I think it's really started to click that I will never learn how to forgive myself by thinking about it or figuring it out. There will be no aha! revelation. Rather, it'll be through habitual self empowerment born out living, being, experiencing....
-B
Learn to treat yourself well - through habits and routines. Eat clean, exercise, indulge in something you genuinely enjoy. Some sort of action. Not all at once. One thing at a time.
The voice of self-loathing will tend to still be there, but less frequent and much easier to counter. Also, I'm learning and experimenting with staying grounded in the daily habit of self care and finding that doing so really does attract better outcomes without me having to do much more than stick to my routines of solid living.
Don't get me wrong - far from having it all sorted and still have my days that those voices and self-critique win the day.
But just recently in my journey I think it's really started to click that I will never learn how to forgive myself by thinking about it or figuring it out. There will be no aha! revelation. Rather, it'll be through habitual self empowerment born out living, being, experiencing....
-B
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yeah, I get that.
It took a lot of work for me to get to a point that I have some semblance of self-forgiveness.
I don't really know where I am on that road, but one of the things that has really helped me is to understand how self-indulgent guilt is. There are some things that seem to be blatantly obvious to other people that I've had to learn the hard way. Like the time I was in rehab (voluntarily) and my kids cut their one and only visit short because I was 'making everything about me.' I was devastated, cried for hours. I really truly did not understand what they were experiencing; what I'd done wrong. For cryin out loud, I was in rehab! Voluntarily! I was having a hard hard time dealing with all of the bs of rehab and I wasn't supposed to tell them about that? Wtf?? Ugh, looking back at that is not a pretty sight, but I get it now. When I indulge in guilt, I'm being just as self-centered as can be - probably in the most self-destructive way I can be.
I had to drop this old notion the church of my youth had taught me - that sentiment that I am not worthy, a wretched sinner and I will never ever be good enough. The thing is, I didn't realize the extent to which I'd internalized that stuff. I mean, in retrospect, I knew it was a pretty cruel way to raise a person - but I just didn't know that 'understanding' this from an intellectual point of view wasn't enough.
Plus more. I'm a little long-winded sometimes, but here's the point I wanted to get to: Buy the book "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes. He says chemical addiction is a subset of all compulsive disorders. If we get rid of one compulsion without addressing what is underlying that behavior, we will take on another compulsion (like worrying obsessively over the past, for instance). You can pick this book up for around $10 from your favorite on line superstore. I don't work for them, nor am I related to the author. I just think you and your therapist might really benefit from examining this perspective to see how it applies. Just like I benefited from this + Rational Recovery + AA + SMART + IOP + daily routines focusing on recovery + etc etc etc
It's hard hard work to let go of the 'self' we think we are, even when we don't think that self is particularly healthy. At least it was that way for me. But man, was it ever worth it. Words can't describe how it feels to have gone from constant obsession and "not-enoughness' to being a reasonably (for me) self-accepting person.
Volunteering is a good idea too.
I keep meaning to do that myself.
O
It took a lot of work for me to get to a point that I have some semblance of self-forgiveness.
I don't really know where I am on that road, but one of the things that has really helped me is to understand how self-indulgent guilt is. There are some things that seem to be blatantly obvious to other people that I've had to learn the hard way. Like the time I was in rehab (voluntarily) and my kids cut their one and only visit short because I was 'making everything about me.' I was devastated, cried for hours. I really truly did not understand what they were experiencing; what I'd done wrong. For cryin out loud, I was in rehab! Voluntarily! I was having a hard hard time dealing with all of the bs of rehab and I wasn't supposed to tell them about that? Wtf?? Ugh, looking back at that is not a pretty sight, but I get it now. When I indulge in guilt, I'm being just as self-centered as can be - probably in the most self-destructive way I can be.
I had to drop this old notion the church of my youth had taught me - that sentiment that I am not worthy, a wretched sinner and I will never ever be good enough. The thing is, I didn't realize the extent to which I'd internalized that stuff. I mean, in retrospect, I knew it was a pretty cruel way to raise a person - but I just didn't know that 'understanding' this from an intellectual point of view wasn't enough.
Plus more. I'm a little long-winded sometimes, but here's the point I wanted to get to: Buy the book "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes. He says chemical addiction is a subset of all compulsive disorders. If we get rid of one compulsion without addressing what is underlying that behavior, we will take on another compulsion (like worrying obsessively over the past, for instance). You can pick this book up for around $10 from your favorite on line superstore. I don't work for them, nor am I related to the author. I just think you and your therapist might really benefit from examining this perspective to see how it applies. Just like I benefited from this + Rational Recovery + AA + SMART + IOP + daily routines focusing on recovery + etc etc etc
It's hard hard work to let go of the 'self' we think we are, even when we don't think that self is particularly healthy. At least it was that way for me. But man, was it ever worth it. Words can't describe how it feels to have gone from constant obsession and "not-enoughness' to being a reasonably (for me) self-accepting person.
Volunteering is a good idea too.
I keep meaning to do that myself.
O
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