Bodhi02

I’m so disappointed and angry with myself. I recently hit 6 months sober but then this last week I enjoyed a week off from work with a beach vacation and a friend’s wedding. During the vacation the drinks were pouring and I wasn’t tempted but at the wedding something came over me and I walked up to the bar and got a glass of wine. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I drank. I know I felt pretty awkward at the wedding especially dancing I felt stupid but overall I think it was a lot of exposure to being around drinking with the vacation and then the wedding that it just maybe normalized it for me. I didn’t even really see it coming. I wasn’t thinking about drinking that day or the days leading up to it. It just sort of snuck up and I caved. I ended up having 4 glasses and was really sick afterwards. The next day was a total unproductive waste of laying on the couch hating myself and I’m still very much still in the hating myself spiral. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and upset with myself.

fishkiller

Dust yourself off and get back on the horse.
Shore up your plan.

You will be OK. Just don't drink anymore

biminiblue

Thanks for the reminder that it's never the fun and exciting thing we think it will be. An hour of giddiness and then days/weeks/months of regret.

I'm with fish. Back at it. Don't let this become a regular thing, just learn from it.

Mizz

The disappointment can run deep if you let it.
Be gentle with yourself. All is not lost here. What has worked for you in the past will work for you again.
Forward movement. You have the power to turn this poison into medicine!

freedomfries

One slip up doesn't erase six months of sobriety. Those days still happened. Dust yourself off and carry on sober.

BackandScared

So sorry you feel like this.

As biminiblue has stated above, take this as a good reminder that drinking does not deliver the expected goods for us. Learn from it instead of drowning on sorrow. It is always easy to say we learn from our mistakes, but we tend to forget when it matters. Every drinking session will be even more disappointing and filled with self-hatred and shame. You know it. It is easier not to drink after 4 glasses than after 55. Do not dig the hole deeper.
Keep posting and using whatever tools worked for you in the past.

doggonecarl

This is why I tell people in early recovery to avoid situations where there is going to be drinking. I don't tell people to skip weddings...but I do tell then to avoid the reception, for that's where the alcohol is.

Zebra1275

I once blew 5 + years of sobriety doing something similar. I was around a bunch of people for a week who were drinking responsibly, observed them closely and tried to figure out how they did it. One guy who I really respected would have a couple of beers in a restaurant with dinner and then later that evening switch to bottled water. (Who in the hell does this? Not me, if I drank from a water bottle later in the evening the contents would be at least 33% vodka).

Anyway, I thought I could moderate by doing what "normal" people did. I discovered the hard way, that I can't drink like a "normal" person.

In a week when you feel better, don't let this incident get you thinking that if "I just change X, then Y won't occur."

advbike

Sorry you slipped, Bodhi02. Everything that has already been said is exactly right.

I will add one more because it happened to me too. You have only posted 6 times in over three months. This complacency is what got me after 3 years. You were undoubtedly feeling secure in your sobriety but as Carl mentions, 6 months is still early days and that AV will come from out of nowhere, as I well know. That is why we have to keep working our program, even if just a check-in and gratitude practice - daily, and especially when we are under stress or headed into risky situations.

Like others said, get right back on - the time isn't lost, your brain is not suddenly rewired back to where it was before, but you have to stop now or it quickly will be. The damage accumulates fast.

katlin

I can identify with you. I haven't made it as far as you and then slipped because I've fallen way before that in the past. This time I'm hoping it will be different for me, but I recognize too that we have to make a plan when we're going to be tempted. I saw in a thread about P.A.W.S. (I'm afraid I have some of that this time around which is another story) someone make a reference to the AV being like a child throwing a tantrum. I remember the days of my own children yammering on about wanting something that was ridiculous or destructive. I used the tactic of quiet reasoning with them first to explain all the reasons why their wants were not rational or safe for them. If all else failed (and sometimes it did) then I would ignore the tantrum until it passed because as a mature adult and their Mama "I knew best". I think that's pretty good advice for all of us when we hear that little AV stomping it's feet and demanding alcohol. "No, darling ... not today". You stumbled, but just get up and don't do it again ... one day at a time. I'll be pulling for you.

ScottFromWI

Glad that you were able to stop the damage before things got any worse Bodhi. It's understandable that you would be upset with yourself, I felt the same way when I did the same thing multiple times when I was trying to quit. Rather than just feeling down, perhaps you could channel some of that energy into making changes and learning from the experience. Take a look at the boldfaced text above - can you honestly tell yourself you didn't see it coming? Look at what you wrote just previously to that situation - you were on vacation for the first time for a whole week in a place where "the drinks were flowing". Were you doing anything specific to your recovery during the week? By that I mean did you have a specific plan to follow during the week or a "plan b" if you did end up being tempted? In either case, rather than lamenting what has been - use this as an opportunity to learn and make a new plan.

nez

This moment can be a powerful experience towards cementing your sobriety. Don't dwell on the "why" and beat yourself up. That is not a good use of your energies and focus at the present time. Instead use this experience to show you what you can do differently in the future.

While "why" is important for long term success time, it can take time to figure out. "Why" will reveal itself in time. In the present, "how" yields more immediate results. How can I change my thinking and become more aware of my reactions before they turn into actions?

Things still sneak up on me and my reactions come out of nowhere without my permission, but I can still use all the information available to me before choosing my next action.

Sober45

I've been sober for over a year and a half and I still come here almost daily because SR keeps my sobriety alive. I don't always post but I'm always around. I fear what could happen if I were to move away from this daily practice of "working on sobriety".

Actually, I love coming here. It's not work anymore. It's just what I do.

I'm really glad you had a bad experience with those 4 glasses. Like Nez says, you can use this experience to cement your sobriety.

Hevyn

Bodhi - It's so good you wanted to talk about what happened. You now have further proof that it's no longer a fun adventure - it always leads to regret.
The last time I caved I didn't give it much thought either. I had been sober 3 yrs. I was out with a friend & he ordered 2 glasses of wine (not knowing I had quit). I still can't believe I started sipping it. That brief moment of having my guard down led to years of continued drinking. I'm glad you didn't let it spiral out of control. You've learned something valuable.

Sober45 - I agree! SR keeps my sobriety alive. Came here quite by accident 14 summer's ago, & here I still am.

sobersport

yes, it won't matter.

as a matter of fact, counting the days since you've had a drink is not really helpful. You don't need to start the counter at zero now, just think of it a slight wobble and remember that something that small won't affect your health.

It's a bit like forgetting to take a pill your supposed to take every day. No need to abandon the whole medication just cause you missed one or two doses. Instead get back on the horse and remember that not drinking is your norm. A tiny laps won't matter.


x

Bodhi02

Thank you all for the kind words and support. I definitely had a false sense of security with my sobriety where I didn’t have those obvious cravings for a long time and therefore thought I could handle all the temptations. I have been very complacent in using my recovery program/tools such as coming to SR and recovery dharma meetings.

I’m really happy I didn’t let it turn into a full on bender. I’m a bit surprised and really relieved I didn’t just say F it and keep drinking and I don’t have those intense cravings I did back in those first few months of sobriety. I will take all of your advice to heart. That AV is sneaky and I’ll take what I’ve learned from this time that I should have a plan b and stay active in my recovery. I actually was talking to my therapist a few weeks ago that I felt that I wasn’t being as active in my recovery so that was definitely a red flag there!

Dee74

I'm glad you're back.

I can remember not drinking through various things until BAM I drank again.

That's why I always recommend a plan - a what to do if I want to drink plan - even if you never use it its great to have.

Even in those auto pilot moments I found there's always a moment of clarity where I can ask for help or get out whatever situation I'm in.

The AV will pedal the line - 'oh you've drunk now, so have a few more.' - thats really really bad advice.

D

Dee74

its not really comparable to missing a pill tho

Count or don't count - whatever helps you sober.

But here's the thing: I agree you don't lose anything you've learned or gained over your sober time, but restarting a day count should not be seen as punishment in any way....its just being honest - it's a reminder that our plan needs to be better, and now we have the chance to do exactly that - devise a better plan.

I needed to be honest with myself. I lied to myself a lot.

I used to dismiss drinking again. I'd have great convoluted counts like 45 days sober in the last 9 weeks.
It was no big deal for me to add another day drinking to that....

Your mileage may vary
D

D122y

I am an addict for life. Any decision to drink is a relapse.

That is just between us here. I can't save a world that doesn't want to be saved.

To the rest of the world, I don't drink anymore. I like being super clean. My body is a temple. A temple made out of pot stickers, but a temple nonetheless.

The whole addict for life thing sounds weird to folks still in active addiction (normies included).

Booze is poison. I hate the stuff.

Thanks.

LadyBug66

Bodhi, I agree with Scott. I think you knew you were going to drink, it wasn't a spur of the moment thing. It may have been a subconscious thing but you knew it was going to happen. I have to have a plan when I know I am going to be around drinking or I might be triggered. I can be around drinking and am around it a lot and if I didn't plan ahead I would probably just drink. It's not easy and you have to be mindful of where you are and what your options will be instead of drinking. Now that pretty much everyone knows I don't drink people don't bug me about drinking. Thank you for sharing your story, it shows how easy it is to get too relaxed and take sobriety for granted. Hang in there and know that this is just a hiccup in the road to forever sober.