Donnylutz

Journaling was extremely helpful when I was in early recovery, and it continues to be now! I always include 3 things I'm grateful for from the day, any short-term goals I have, and anything else important at the time. Once you have a few months, it's really helpful to look back and you can actually see the progress you are making! I highly recommend that all people, regardless of if you are in recovery or not, should be keeping a journal!

Donny :-)

SouthernSober

Yes indeed--thx. I've mentioned WQD in a few threads--and that was a godsend when I first started in the program. Had no idea how much I would miss it when it was gone. That's how I wound up here--for years since WQD went down, I've been looking for a replacement.

Half joking, half serious--if you guess-stimate 700 million alcoholics (7 billion X 10% of population...it's prolly much higher than that...who knows how many suffer in silence or aren't honest with their medical providers)...dontcha think we need a site like this? I've been to over 1K AA meetings and currently go ~5 nights a week, but that leaves 23 hours a day. A site like this is especially needed late at night for those of us in the witching hour. And a huge, huge % of AA members may say call whenever, but they're in bed super early. You'll also meet internationals here, rare in AA (at least here in the USA).

So almost midnight here, Day 11. Gym, meeting, check in here. Add good sleep and nutrition, and the building blocks are there. The days and evenings still feel a little squirrelly, but waking up sober is just a wonder. Wow.

AthensDawgs

journaling most definitely helped me while I was in in-house rehab. I would actually get up before any one else(around 5:30) and do my journaling and homework that my therapist had assigned. It helps to put your thoughts on paper and reflect on how you feel and what's going on. I certainly had my great days and days where I really struggled, its all a part of the process.

I need to start working on this so thank you for this thread.

SouthernSober

2 weeks sober today. Straight up, in several ways it's been a grind, a real boot camp. Gym, meeting, gym, check in here, supper, bed. But I just shake my head in horror when I wake up every day and think I could be back out there.

Somebody posted about how alcoholism massively widens the gap between who you are vs. who you want to be. Spot on. Normal people change their behavior to meet their goals; problem drinkers change their goals to meet their behavior. And even if you try to set goals and achieve them, you're working at cross purposes. I was going to the gym 60-90 min a day 6 times a week, and I put on 25 pounds in the year I was back out there. Insane.

I shared at a meeting the other night that I have 2 very simple goals (beyond the obvious): 1/be able to look myself in the mirror without revulsion and self-hatred; 2/be able to tuck my shirt in (which I haven't been able to do in 7-8 years).

Only way to do it is not focus on how long that will take, but work backwards from those goals to today...which is just to keep doing what I have been, the best thing I can do. There's not a single better thing I can do than stay sober. I'm a good person. I have to remind myself of that.

best

SS

SouthernSober

Meeting in between 2 gym sessions: chair talked about all the peeps going bonanza blow out for LD weekend. Beer, wine, mountains of ice, beach chairs, the works. "I remember those days," she laughed.

What I remembered (thankfully)? I remembered that at least this year, such thoughts did not occur to me whatsoever. What *I* was thinking as she spoke...was the horror, revulsion, and self-inflicted pain/misery would come Tuesday were I still drinking. Wouldn't matter if I went out and drank or stayed home and drank (probably both).

AA BB: it is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker that one day he will control and enjoy his drinking. But the line from that chapter that always resonates with me is: "drinks he sees others take with impunity." Those 20-somethings doing Jaeger Bombs and Fireball shots and woo-wooing it til last call...they'd be back to school or work drinking Starbucks and sharing pics. I'd be nursing light beers or going insane watching the clock until I could drink again. While trying to pay my bills and ignore how much I spend on booze.

No, I don't have any problem being at my desk alone on a Friday night, holiday weekend. None.

Dee74

enjoy your sober long weekend SouthernSober

D

Buckley3

Hey there. Old WQD vet here as well. I think I first joined there in 2004.

Anywho - for a number of reasons technical and personal I believe the site was shut down and as mentioned migrated to the ryber platform. I think Monument is one of the users that kept things going.

You can find it if you google search 'Ryver WQD.'

-B

SouthernSober

Much appreciated and always good to see WQD vets here. SS

SouthernSober

So, can you believe that after all I've posted recently, especially this holiday weekend...when I've done *nothing but* recovery-related stuff...for the first time in 7 years...I get pulled over? Pulled over ***on my way to an AA meeting? At sunset on Labor Day when large % of the people on the road are half or full in the bag?

I was doing the speed limit max, even under, because the car in front of me was at or dipping below it. Around here, at that time & date, almost guaranteed intoxicated. I didn't even know if I could pass and even with a dotted line, decided not to. Then I get lit up! I was so shocked I yanked over and figured he was going around me. I was so stunned when he came to the window I forgot to ID his uniform and addressed him as deputy vs. trooper. I had no idea whatsoever why he pull me over.

Anyway, the whole thing lasted less than 5 minutes and I was on my way. Suppose it doesn't hurt I have Sheriffs Association stickers from 3 states on the back of my car and VETERAN stamped on my license. He asked me if I thought I was following too close.

No harm no foul, right? Well, I was really shook up nonetheless. Still am a little. Intellectually I know the drill. Get it off your chest at the meeting, talk to peeps afterward, thank God you're sober, guy just doing his job (which obviously I support 100%), etc. Emotionally...well, with alcoholics like me, always a gap between the intellectual drill and the emotion struggle. It's all over these pages on this very site.

Woman shared right on target and used the word "ruminate." My middle name, I immediately thought. Story of my life. Ruminate. Hell, any alcoholics that don't? But in my case, that was going on well, well before I started drinking.

I guess I'm both ruminating and sharing. And I guess being unable to avoid the former means I'd better do the latter.

I could be in jail right now. smh

I have absolutely no desire to drink--thank God--but damn did this scare me.

I have to admit--Step 10--one thing I got wrong was not just hanging back and accepting the situation. I was 2 miles away and had 20 minutes before the meeting. The car was a late model Cadillac, ivory. My guess? A retired couple coming back from dinner and/or the beach.

A buddy of mine after the meeting nailed it: "Was I right? Was I wrong? And on and on and on..."

Exactly.

Well, here we are. Not much to do but eat supper, try and get a good night's sleep, and wake up sober and grateful. This too shall pass.

BTW--not making this up, the last time I *did* get a ticket was 13 years ago--and yes, coming back from an AA meeting. Driving someone home actually. This was Hawaii so hell yes I got a ticket--they hate our guts (there's even a racial slur natives use), even active duty.

Dee74

It can still be a traumatic experience getting pulled over even when we've done nothing wrong.
Glad you were on your way to a meeting - a great way to decompress and let go

D

Buckley3

Did someone say ruminate? It gets tiresome, that's for sure.

-B

SouthernSober

3 weeks sober today. And Monday's angst is dissipating. Getting through such things sober and guarding serenity are the building blocks on which recovery is built. Yesterday was a real slog after two nights poor sleep and a yucky day. Did not feel like the gym or a meeting. But pushed through both, slept OK last night, and here we are, sipping iced coffee and enjoying the quiet satisfaction of attending to tasks and the ability to do so. My temporary sponsor told me last night I looked like I'd lost weight. I thanked him and mentioned I've really had my nose to the grindstone. Then going home, I chuckled realizing I hadn't even mentioned or thought of...the fact I wasn't drinking a 6-pack or more every night.

Saturday will be a grim day (20-year anniversary of 9/11). But I have a plan and thank God I'm sober. Would be terrible to go through that day the way I was just 22 days ago.

Dee74

'grats on 3 weeks SouthernSober
I expect a lot of people will be logging on here this weekend.
D

SouthernSober

Glad today is almost over, and grateful beyond words I'm not strung out. Chores, gym, meeting. Meeting was a 12&12 and it was Step 1. That fit right in because on 9/11 I was in the Pentagon and that was before my intro to AA or any kind of admission I had a drinking problem.

I shared that it took me a long, long time to realize that the key to Step 1 is fully grasping it's not just alcohol over which you're powerless--it's a million other people, places, things, events. So the further I tried to process and understand 9/11, the angrier and drunker I got. It wasn't until I had been to Iraq and back and seen further unspeakable evil and carnage that I finally sought help. And here I am close to a decade and a half later, still trying to get it right.

But no ruminating tonight. Today the program worked. This most somber of anniversaries...it too shall pass. And I will not come to tomorrow with all the dread and horror of chemical jail.

BTW--anybody WQD alums reading? I got an email from Steve (remember him?) today. He helped a lot of people, me included, and I look forward to catching up with him.

MaximusD

Awesome! Tell Steve I said Hi. Glad you are doing well in here. Just caught up on your journal today.

SouthernSober

OK, AA. I see a wide gamut on it here, from "hell no I won't go" to "my sine qua non." I need every available resource, including here, and AA is indeed my sine qua non. Not bringing this up to debate. In fact I'd say debating anything is of questionable value in a therapeutic setting. Take what you need, leave the rest, contribute what you can, always stay respectful and non-judgmental.

I bring it up as tonight's meeting was one of those I walk in feeling pretty good but wind up walking out a little puzzled. It does happen. Maybe not to "old timers," and that segues into my share.

The chair tonight was a guy whose share seems to be identical at every meeting: this is my sobriety date, I'm sober this many decades, most people will die vs. stay in, and I'm old school, when *I* came in it was sit down and shut up. You don't have anything anybody wants, including anything worth hearing.

Oh, OK. I guess *you* are unilaterally revoking Tradition Three ("The only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking") and
"AA's primary purpose," which is to "carry this message to the alcoholic who still suffers." 🙄

This isn't the first time. I first came to AA in 2005, and hell yes, I remember the days (and people) of "take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth." While there is definitely some validity to that, it's something you might say privately sponsor to sponsee. Not as a chair to the group or unsolicited to another alcoholic.

When I was newer in the program and hadn't learned anything at all, crap like that definitely made it worse. And no question many, many newcomers have been so discouraged by it they left and never came back. Once again, some of them are on these very pages here. I had a guy tell me I shouldn't be on medication--ANY medication. That's for me, a Veteran diagnosed with the "hat trick" (PTSD, major depression, alcohol abuse).

I'm very cautious about oversharing and try to limit my share to 3 minutes max. If I'm really bugging about something, I try to talk 1 on 1 with someone I trust after the meeting. That being said, it is the rawest newcomers that need the most latitude to spill and the most compassion from those around. I believe that's true for AA and I believe it's true here.

And I would truly ask those like the above: exactly what does your "listing my stats" do for "the alcoholic who still suffers?" And what's your proposed floor for sharing? 35 years, like you? And if *you* have it all figured out, and everyone else is just some peon, who not make a YouTube video and we can all sit home and watch it vs. going to a meeting and having a discussion?

I would also say--yes, it is true I have been battling for 15+ years and have never made it past 6 months. But I'm still here doing exact that, battling, and working my balls off. And the idea that all my past was a waste of time because I "went back out"--********, plain and simple. What about a guy like--trying from memory here--Philip Seymour Hoffman? 20+ years sober and still died of an OD. Tragic, yes. Invalidate his time sober? Cruel, judgmental and just plain wrong.

I say here something I often say when working with young people/mentoring: I don't give advice. I share my experience, strength, and hope. A large portion of that comes from mistakes. What's the saying, "good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment?"

What if I stipulate I have nothing to offer the "old timer?" Fine. I know why I'm here for myself--but I'd be doing this journal on Word if it were just for me. If I reach *anybody*...I hope it is the guy (or girl) who is *in extremis* at "oh-dark-hunnerd" and coming here with nowhere else to go and nothing else to do but seek help here. "I had my gun, my phone, and a bottle in front of me, and I wasn't sure which one to use" said one sponsor, a fellow Veteran with 25+ years sober.

Last thing: I was still a semi-wreck when I first came here less than 4 weeks ago. I know what it's meant to me. I hope it means something to y'all. Drunk right now, or sober 35 years.

best

SS

SouthernSober

Two great shares from AA last night:

"I've never met anyone in AA that didn't have a footprint on their ass."

"You'll stay the same until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing."

That latter one is me to a T. This past quit wasn't a detox or event-oriented. I wasn't even getting drunk. I just had more than I could take of both myself and the life I was living. It's been ~15 years since I could look myself in the mirror.

I wake up every day and think, my God, how could I live like that?

But I'm not overanalyzing it. "Don't drink, go to meetings, stay in touch." Sleep and nutrition. One day at a time.

SouthernSober

30 days sober today. I am cautioning myself to maintain equilibrium, but I have to say, I'm mindful of what it took to get here. It was a miracle to kick cold turkey one day, and since then I've basically followed a regimen of full-time rehab. Not just sobriety recovery. A post midlife overhaul. Not many people have that opportunity.

There's been no desire to drink--pretty horrifying thought, actually--but as with any major rehab, there's a huge mental as well as physical grind. You don't need any particular special talent or brains to work out 2-3 hours a day, go to AA 5-6 times a week, follow a strict nutrition plan, journal, sleep. But it sure does take hard work and dedication. And what many people don't realize is the huge challenge there is the monotony. And during through the monotony, working through various aches and pains and sometimes suddenly thinking, "wow, am I making any progress?"

Dealing with those pains, doubts and fears is all part of the process. I am building a new me and a new life. It took 30+ years to be someone I was ashamed of constantly. I can't fix it overnight.

I remind myself I have all kinds of choices, and yes I can celebrate my recovery. Last night I had a big steak, rare, a diet ginger beer, and some real ice cream. It was fantastic and no, I didn't pine for a glass of wine.

Onward! SS

Dee74

Congrats on 30 days SouthernSober

D

Donnylutz

Journaling, writing, talking - always a good idea!

If you are interested in an actual journal, a friend got me a journal called "The Best Journal Ever" on Amazon - plenty of space to write, but also placed for gratitude and goals and so much more - I just had to get a new one and I just love it.

Of course, you can always just post here as well :-)