It’s okay! It’s just a bad day -Weekenders 20 - 23 August 2021
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
FF I hate to say it and you’ll hate to hear it but you’ve been ideating about drinking something - sanitizer, listerine, vodka - for days now.
If you can’t pull yourself out of the dive, and you can’t or won’t use things like AA or other meeting based things, then you need inpatient man - and a stay in there of decent length.
None of your other plans can work out until you get this under control.
D
If you can’t pull yourself out of the dive, and you can’t or won’t use things like AA or other meeting based things, then you need inpatient man - and a stay in there of decent length.
None of your other plans can work out until you get this under control.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 08-20-2021 at 02:28 PM. Reason: Content added
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,474
Originally Posted by Reid82 
It will be a months passing since my Moms death on Sunday. I've had strange feelings since she's passed. I was with my counsellor this evening and mentioned in one way how she
is no longer suffering, and to a lesser extent neither am I anymore due to her own dementia. I even mentioned how I don't miss the person she had become the last few years- this has
even brought up some guilt. I miss the person she used to be pre her condition- in fact I've grieved that for years. I think only people who have had parents who've had dementia can fully
understand what I'm trying to say here.
I think I'm doing well enough for the most part the last 4 weeks now, it is really back to a day at a time again.
is no longer suffering, and to a lesser extent neither am I anymore due to her own dementia. I even mentioned how I don't miss the person she had become the last few years- this has
even brought up some guilt. I miss the person she used to be pre her condition- in fact I've grieved that for years. I think only people who have had parents who've had dementia can fully
understand what I'm trying to say here.
I think I'm doing well enough for the most part the last 4 weeks now, it is really back to a day at a time again.
❤️
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kerry, Ireland
Posts: 2,703
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Reid,
My grandmother died several years before her body did. I struggled to feel ‘the right things’ when she died. Looking back now I think there is no ‘right way’ to feel.
Hugs to you,
D
My grandmother died several years before her body did. I struggled to feel ‘the right things’ when she died. Looking back now I think there is no ‘right way’ to feel.
Hugs to you,
D
immense pride. Plus, I've stayed sober throughout this whole ordeal- a situation I thought years ago I could never handle this way. I have ZERO regrets.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Thank you Leigh xo
Sending you love today Least ❤️
And Reid and Captain. Love to you ❤️
And love to you all who have lost loved ones (which is likely most of you)
And hugs to anyone who just needs a hug
Today is a struggle for me. Last night I couldn’t stop the tears. This morning is the same. Some days life seems meaningless, and today is one of them. I know that’s a defeatist attitude and Mum wouldn’t want me to feel like this. But there’s no point denying how I feel and suppressing my emotions. So what’s it all about? Why are we even here? The pain life brings is awful. I know it’s not all awful and in the big scheme of things I should be counting my lucky stars for being so blessed. But I struggle to find a tiny bit of happiness in each day.
The only thing that seems to bring me any glimmer of joy is nature. And I’m very very grateful for this. The breeze in the trees, the flight of a butterfly. The beauty of blossoming flowers. The blue sky. The whispering trees. The rolling waves. A seagull soaring. Somehow I feel a little closer to my Mum with these things. A little closer to Mum and to God. But why am I here? Why not there with them? This is how my thoughts go.
And I wonder why I am struggling so hard to stay sober? Because it’s a struggle. It would be easier to drink and drown the sadness. But I want to find some peace and joy somehow, if I can. But I don’t know how anymore. Today is day 97 sober. I was 100 days sober when Mum died 3 years ago. I managed over a year sober but I didn’t find any joy. Where is the joy? I’m sure it’s somewhere but I can’t seem to find it. Not today anyway. But I will go for a walk outside. I stayed in bed all day yesterday, probably not so good for my mental health but I was feeling unwell. Today at least I will go out and get some air. Walk in nature. And talk to my Mum ❤️
xoSending you love today Least ❤️
And Reid and Captain. Love to you ❤️
And love to you all who have lost loved ones (which is likely most of you)
And hugs to anyone who just needs a hug
Today is a struggle for me. Last night I couldn’t stop the tears. This morning is the same. Some days life seems meaningless, and today is one of them. I know that’s a defeatist attitude and Mum wouldn’t want me to feel like this. But there’s no point denying how I feel and suppressing my emotions. So what’s it all about? Why are we even here? The pain life brings is awful. I know it’s not all awful and in the big scheme of things I should be counting my lucky stars for being so blessed. But I struggle to find a tiny bit of happiness in each day.
The only thing that seems to bring me any glimmer of joy is nature. And I’m very very grateful for this. The breeze in the trees, the flight of a butterfly. The beauty of blossoming flowers. The blue sky. The whispering trees. The rolling waves. A seagull soaring. Somehow I feel a little closer to my Mum with these things. A little closer to Mum and to God. But why am I here? Why not there with them? This is how my thoughts go.
And I wonder why I am struggling so hard to stay sober? Because it’s a struggle. It would be easier to drink and drown the sadness. But I want to find some peace and joy somehow, if I can. But I don’t know how anymore. Today is day 97 sober. I was 100 days sober when Mum died 3 years ago. I managed over a year sober but I didn’t find any joy. Where is the joy? I’m sure it’s somewhere but I can’t seem to find it. Not today anyway. But I will go for a walk outside. I stayed in bed all day yesterday, probably not so good for my mental health but I was feeling unwell. Today at least I will go out and get some air. Walk in nature. And talk to my Mum ❤️
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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But why am I here? Why not there with them? This is how my thoughts go.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,474
Originally Posted by Dee74
Survivor guilt is a real tangible thing. So is depression. I really urge you to speak to your doctor and look into some grief counselling Willow
D
D
s I know you know why we are here....I know you have an enormous sense of value and pride in everyday life. I know you love your partner and stepdaughter and your menagerie of pets.
This sadness is big and it is deep and sometimes it engulfs you. And I think that we need help to get through those times. So please, reach out to your therapist today....get an urgent appointment.
Once you get some help and get through this part, I truly believe that you will see the light again honey
❤️
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Texas, US
Posts: 2,478
Hello Weekenders
It’s so good to be here. I’m isolated again. But I don’t have to be. I’m wiped out, but I need to focus on my recovery intently. The number one thing I do. When it is secondary to work, there is trouble. 🆘⛔️❗️When I do nothing but work and sleep there is trouble. This week I had trouble, I had a strong urge to drink…it’s been building over many months. I’m miserable and wanted to drink. Not now, but yesterday I did. I’m lonely. I’m in physical pain and I just push through it and don’t allow rest or visit my doctor. I know better. It’s that awful compulsion all wrapped up in ‘it’s ok, these are crazy times..just run’ Of course I want to run! And I can, just not that way. Stop drop…come to SR. I am doing a marathon. A recovery marathon. Until I lose that feeling. I don’t want to drink.
Reid, I am so sorry and know how it feels as I lost my mother fairly recently. I second Caramel’s advice, be gentle with yourself. It’s a huge blow and you have many arms to hold you.
Sending support to all struggling today. I understand. I’m so glad to read your stories. I’m resting. I’m sober and have a home and a job and food. Most of all, my recovery people! It’s going to be ok. And who cares if I ‘need’ a recovery group after years of sobriety. Inevitably, if I stay away from recovery my brain will go back to the old ways of coping and viewing situations in time…it starts to skew more over time. So slowly.
I see it now but couldn’t see it until I was on fire! That’s what makes this so dangerous..the mind tricks and imperceptible slide until it seems like it’s out of the blue…suddenly you want to drink so bad you have to change into your pajamas or hide the keys or whatever. It’s not sudden…you just hit a tipping point, maybe, and for me that feeeling is so uncomfortable and terrifying that I’ll do anything to stop it. I went to bed early. Today I felt better but I’m afraid to go through that again. Need to be here.
Does it matter if it’s Day 1 or 10001? No, I’m not going to graduate and become a normal person. I’m going to make some big changes in my daily program and take the easier road. Each day is a newcomer day for me. I forget.. you know? There’s lots of forgetters here, that’s why we’re here.
A long post—sorry.
Looking forward to the weekend 🐣. Going back to basics. Maybe I can help someone and get out of my own head!
thank you ❤️❤️Xx
It’s so good to be here. I’m isolated again. But I don’t have to be. I’m wiped out, but I need to focus on my recovery intently. The number one thing I do. When it is secondary to work, there is trouble. 🆘⛔️❗️When I do nothing but work and sleep there is trouble. This week I had trouble, I had a strong urge to drink…it’s been building over many months. I’m miserable and wanted to drink. Not now, but yesterday I did. I’m lonely. I’m in physical pain and I just push through it and don’t allow rest or visit my doctor. I know better. It’s that awful compulsion all wrapped up in ‘it’s ok, these are crazy times..just run’ Of course I want to run! And I can, just not that way. Stop drop…come to SR. I am doing a marathon. A recovery marathon. Until I lose that feeling. I don’t want to drink.
Reid, I am so sorry and know how it feels as I lost my mother fairly recently. I second Caramel’s advice, be gentle with yourself. It’s a huge blow and you have many arms to hold you.
Sending support to all struggling today. I understand. I’m so glad to read your stories. I’m resting. I’m sober and have a home and a job and food. Most of all, my recovery people! It’s going to be ok. And who cares if I ‘need’ a recovery group after years of sobriety. Inevitably, if I stay away from recovery my brain will go back to the old ways of coping and viewing situations in time…it starts to skew more over time. So slowly.
I see it now but couldn’t see it until I was on fire! That’s what makes this so dangerous..the mind tricks and imperceptible slide until it seems like it’s out of the blue…suddenly you want to drink so bad you have to change into your pajamas or hide the keys or whatever. It’s not sudden…you just hit a tipping point, maybe, and for me that feeeling is so uncomfortable and terrifying that I’ll do anything to stop it. I went to bed early. Today I felt better but I’m afraid to go through that again. Need to be here.
Does it matter if it’s Day 1 or 10001? No, I’m not going to graduate and become a normal person. I’m going to make some big changes in my daily program and take the easier road. Each day is a newcomer day for me. I forget.. you know? There’s lots of forgetters here, that’s why we’re here.
A long post—sorry.
Looking forward to the weekend 🐣. Going back to basics. Maybe I can help someone and get out of my own head!
thank you ❤️❤️Xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,474
If we were diabetics darling Vo, we would have to monitor our blood sugar every day for well, always.
Treatment is ongoing and stops relapses.
And in our case, constant treatment....or connection with others in recovery makes it all so much better.
There is friendship and support and advice. There is understanding. And I know for me that being here means I never feel alone.
Love you big time...let's do this weekend together!
❤️
Treatment is ongoing and stops relapses.
And in our case, constant treatment....or connection with others in recovery makes it all so much better.
There is friendship and support and advice. There is understanding. And I know for me that being here means I never feel alone.
Love you big time...let's do this weekend together!
❤️
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Texas, US
Posts: 2,478
Originally Posted by venuscat
If we were diabetics darling Vo, we would have to monitor our blood sugar every day for well, always.
Treatment is ongoing and stops relapses.
And in our case, constant treatment....or connection with others in recovery makes it all so much better.
There is friendship and support and advice. There is understanding. And I know for me that being here means I never feel alone.
Love you big time...let's do this weekend together! ❤️
Treatment is ongoing and stops relapses.
And in our case, constant treatment....or connection with others in recovery makes it all so much better.
There is friendship and support and advice. There is understanding. And I know for me that being here means I never feel alone.
Love you big time...let's do this weekend together!
❤️I’ve fallen into the ‘I don’t need to be here’ trap many times, and it’s just a matter of staying in recovery because I have proven that I can go back out even after years of sobriety..I’m just going to forget how bad it was after some time passes. I don’t struggle as much in the beginning days of sobriety…it’s later, much later. But so what? Why play around? No need to see where this might lead. Happiness and peace await. ❤️
xx
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Thanks Dee, Suze, Caramel, all of you.
My therapist today is the beach. It’s Saturday, no chance of any appointments with anyone anywhere near here, not on a weekend. But I’m ok, just sadder today than most days. Later today I will visit my Mum’s memorial garden ❤️
It was gloomy when I got to the beach this morning, but by the end of my walk the sun was trying to come out.
My therapist today is the beach. It’s Saturday, no chance of any appointments with anyone anywhere near here, not on a weekend. But I’m ok, just sadder today than most days. Later today I will visit my Mum’s memorial garden ❤️
It was gloomy when I got to the beach this morning, but by the end of my walk the sun was trying to come out.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Yeah, I didn't mean get an appointment today
Its of course up to you - no one wants to be depressed or need therapy - but I'd consider GP/therapy - especially if you feel your grief is feeding your AV.
D
Its of course up to you - no one wants to be depressed or need therapy - but I'd consider GP/therapy - especially if you feel your grief is feeding your AV.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,910
Hello. I have never done a weekender but thought I would jump in just here wherever and say hi. I am on Day 20, and was really struggling earlier tonight. It’s that end of a long week feeling. Husband was out drinking. Kids are occupied and I don’t feel like doing anything productive. So thoughts crept in. But I guess thankfully/not thankfully my husband and I had a big fight (though it felt a bit more unilateral on his part than a mutual thing) and I just am glad I have the knowledge nothing I did or said was fueled by alcohol.
IcedVoVo I’m super impressed with your insight. MIsery caused largely by working too much (but also the aforementioned marriage…working on that, as in working on an exit stratey) was part of what allowed alcohol to creep back into my life. Figured if my life still felt miserable and unmanageable, and everyone around me was pouring booze down their throats I might as well join them.
Dee always talks about building a life you love more than drinking. I’m trying but feel like it’s going to take some time and everything is always moving so quickly. I am sure I’m to blame for that at least in part. But not sure how to stop it and figure out how i really want to prioritize the time I do have.
Well. Thanks for listening. I think I’m going to go water some plants and then go drive sober to pick up my daughter and a friend. What a gift that is.
IcedVoVo I’m super impressed with your insight. MIsery caused largely by working too much (but also the aforementioned marriage…working on that, as in working on an exit stratey) was part of what allowed alcohol to creep back into my life. Figured if my life still felt miserable and unmanageable, and everyone around me was pouring booze down their throats I might as well join them.
Dee always talks about building a life you love more than drinking. I’m trying but feel like it’s going to take some time and everything is always moving so quickly. I am sure I’m to blame for that at least in part. But not sure how to stop it and figure out how i really want to prioritize the time I do have.
Well. Thanks for listening. I think I’m going to go water some plants and then go drive sober to pick up my daughter and a friend. What a gift that is.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Dee always talks about building a life you love more than drinking. I’m trying but feel like it’s going to take some time and everything is always moving so quickly. I am sure I’m to blame for that at least in part. But not sure how to stop it and figure out how i really want to prioritize the time I do have.
I was always busy, but a lot of that time was doing things for others they could really have done themselves?
D
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,867
Welcome, Numblady.
Willow, that photo should be framed; it is glorious.
My heart truly goes to all of those grieving; it is such hard, gut wrenching and emotional work. What you feel and experience in the process is necessary, though; it is how we reach acceptance, resolution and a new beginning. It takes time and there is really no way around its the wound needs to heal completely from the inside out.
It seems, to me, that the Recovery process is a lot like the Grieving process - both associated with lots of work on so many levels in order to reach true success. Stay close, dear VoVo; you will beat this monster in the end. You will be victorious. We are here to help you along the way.
We are here to support you.
Willow, that photo should be framed; it is glorious.
My heart truly goes to all of those grieving; it is such hard, gut wrenching and emotional work. What you feel and experience in the process is necessary, though; it is how we reach acceptance, resolution and a new beginning. It takes time and there is really no way around its the wound needs to heal completely from the inside out.
It seems, to me, that the Recovery process is a lot like the Grieving process - both associated with lots of work on so many levels in order to reach true success. Stay close, dear VoVo; you will beat this monster in the end. You will be victorious. We are here to help you along the way.
We are here to support you.
Magsie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,662
Vo-Vo, good to see you. good post! I can’t think of our recovery as a marathon. That’s too immense for me to take in, I’ve only ever run as far as 7 miles don’t think I’d ever make 26.2 literally. But that was just my mental block.
Breaking it down to a day or hours somedays seemed much more manageable.
good post! I can’t think of our recovery as a marathon. That’s too immense for me to take in, I’ve only ever run as far as 7 miles don’t think I’d ever make 26.2 literally. But that was just my mental block. Breaking it down to a day or hours somedays seemed much more manageable.
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