2getheryetalone

I've been with an alcoholic boyfriend for 10 years. In your 20's, it's confused with partying too much. Then the loud insults in front of friends, punching holes in walls, and neighbors calling cops made me think this was a problem and he needed to quit drinking. That was 6 years ago and he's been in and out of rehab since. During one of his good spells, we got pregnant with our daughter. She's three now. During the pregnancy and after she was born, he went on benders, secretly drinking during the day. We both work from home now but before the pandemic he was drinking at home while I was at work and he was watching our daughter. So I decided to buy a house and get away. He promised (we all know how those go) he wouldn't drink again if he could live with us and so I let him. It lasted about 3 months before he was back at it. I called the cops hoping I could get him removed from the house since it's my place. Apparently they can't unless he's abusive. The cycle kept going, he got better for a few months then go on week long benders, then leave for rehab etc etc. Now I'm pregnant with the second, 5 weeks in, and he's already drinking again. I said I will not go through this pregnancy alone (again) and will abort if he drinks. It's legal in my state. My problem is I'm getting older and my chances to get pregnant again are very slim. But I cannot bring another child into a home with an alcoholic and yet I cannot do it alone. I have no family nearby and my friends are childless so it's a burden for them to just watch one child, I can't imagine having them watch two. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in my situation and stayed? Of if you left, did you keep your baby and become a solo mother of two?

KissMyTiara

I'm sorry for your situation. Hun, kick him to the curb. I also believe at 5 weeks you should abort, but I believe in that. Such a hard thing for you. A solo mother of two would be very hard without other people helping you out for years.

biminiblue

I would check the laws for eviction. You can get him out, you don't necessarily need the police. Police deal with crimes, what you have is a civil matter between landlord (you) and tenant (him.)

Every state has a landlord/tenant law. I hope you find out what you need to do to get him out and then follow through. He isn't ready for sobriety, responsibility, fatherhood or a relationship. He's dangerous.

You could start by calling a Domestic Abuse number, they will have legal advice and other help. He doesn't have to physically hurt you for it to be abuse.

Sober45

Remember there is always a way forward, no matter how difficult it may seem at the moment. Getting an abortion is a big decision that only you can make. There is no shame in doing so but of course, there is also no turning back. I will say this, making your pregnancy contingent on him not drinking will likely never work. The pressure on him to abstain will only increase his desire to escape/drink.

In my mind, the best thing you can do to make him stop, is to stop enabling him. Forgiving him and allowing him back is enabling because at the end of the day, he has no consequences.

Anna

If his name is not on the lease or he's not part-owner of the house, I expect that you can evict him. Try to get some legal information about that.

I think it's best for you to accept that he's not going to be a co-parent with you. He has shown you that he is not responsible when taking care of the child. Since you don't have family nearby, make your decision as to whether or not to have the baby, based on being the sole parent. I'm sorry for your situation.

least

Welcome to the family.

Yes, find out how to go about kicking him out. As to the pregnancy, it's your choice to continue it or not. But you're right that it would be very difficult to raise two kids while living with an active alcoholic.

Do call a women's shelter/domestic abuse agency for guidance.

I am sorry for your situation. I've been in a similar situation and I kicked him out and was much happier by myself.

Anna

This information may be helpful to you:

Domestic Abuse Defined

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):

http://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...afety/get-help

Gabe1980

I have not been in your situation but I would really like to echo what others have written here. Ultimatums wont change his drinking and the most important thing is you and your daughters safety. Getting some advice and guidance from an organisation who specialise in domestic violence and family support would be really helpful for you just now.

Sending love and support to you

Cityboy

Sorry you are having to deal with this situation. The things that strike me in your op are:

I would hold little hope at this point of there being a significant positive change in bf's behavior, and you'll be lucky if it doesn't get worse. This is based on experience with buddies in the past.

The things you mention, loud insults in front of friends, punching wall, neighbors calling LE. Red flag.

In and out of rehab, good spell bad spell. Red flag.

No way in hell I would subject daughter to that behavior, and if he hasn't straightened his act up by now, you need to move on in life.

If the house is in your name, you can choose who can be there and who can't. You could get a restraining order (?)

As to aborting baby, can't put myself in your position, but it seems like a huge decision that should be made independently of looser bf at this point.

dustyfox

I echo what others have said - al; the choices are yours. He will not change for you or unborn baby.
Do what is best for you and your daughter.

Dee74

I'm sorry for what brings you here 2getheryetalone, but this is a place of good support
Welcome!
D

advbike

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, and glad you posted here. Just want to mention that there is also a Family and Friends of Alcoholics section on the main SR forum page that is geared specifically for situations like yours - mostly partners with alcoholic partners. You might get some further insight there also. I hope you do what is best for you and your child.