Jillian2563

I’m not happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I wonder what it feels like. Cause right now all I want to do is get wasted. I have everything anyone could ever ask for and I just want to run away. The one person I’m suppose to be able to depend on and turn to doesn’t get me at all or understand what I’m going thru; he just turns it all around and says no one is there for him. The only thing that is keeping me sober tonight is the thought of a dreaded panic attack tomorrow.

Bethany57

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I have felt like that before and it is dreadful. I was treated for depression. Maybe you need to see your Dr. and could get some kind of treatment if you are depressed.

Jillian2563

I’ve been to the dr and the only thing they ask is “are you depressed?” How am I suppose to know? Aren’t they the ones that should diagnose me? I’ve tried antidepressants before and didn’t see a change.

Jillian2563

Also wanted to add that I only really seem to get this bad when my husband is around or is a jerk to me.

dustyfox

Sorry you're feeling low. You're right about a panic attack not being worth it. Things don't sound so great between your husband and you right now - Can you take a weekend away or even a day just to have some space?

BullDog777

I'm not trying to play "armchair therapist" here, but you mentioned a panic attack being the only reason you're staying sober. So I take it you have anxiety issues? Me too. Pretty much my whole life. An I have also felt widely misunderstood most of my life and some of that was that I needed treatment for my anxiety and depression.

A medical dr can prescribe antidepressants, but nobody but a psychiatrist is going to be able to properly treat you(medically as well as therapy) for you're potential disorder. Don't you think you owe it to yourself to feel better?

For me, therapy was and has been life changing. I hope you find the help you need.

Jillian2563

Thank you. Yes my panic attacks I’m 95% sure are due to drinking and hangovers, as they only happen when I’m hungover.

I started seeing a therapist last Thursday, see her again this week.

I’ve been thinking about see a psychiatrist.

Jillian2563

Trying to figure that out. We are in separate areas of the house for now.

Wastinglife

I have never been truly happy myself. It all stems from having undiagnosed ADHD up until age 35 by which time I was an alcoholic and had lost everything. 45 now and I still hate my life. I'd be homeless if my family didn't pay my rent. I am probably going to die alone from liver failure in a filthy apartment. Sounds morbid and, although I'm currently sober, that's a very likely scenario. I am depressed so maybe my outlook will change once the medication I started kicks in.

stickyone

I understand myself as well has had problems but with my spouse. Family can be your biggest trigger if they are distance relative then you could take a break from them until you get in a better place. For a spouse and living in the same house can be a little more difficult. Healthy boundaries and communication needed to be established in my home. Hope everything works out for you.

Jillian2563

I’m so sorry you feel this way. It’s hard. I hope the medications help.

BullDog777

Hang in there, man. Sometimes it can take awhile to figure out how to best treat the depression.

Dee74

I didn't think I'd ever been happy either - but about 3 months into recovery I began to remember that I had been.

I hope it will be that way for you too Jillian.

D

Anna

Jillian, I'm sorry that you feel this way. I struggled to find an answer from my doctors as to why I was feeling the way I was. I vividly remember one doctor telling me, 'Well, you can't be depressed. You are nicely dressed and wearing makeup." Okay, so I wasn't wearing pjs all day and staying in bed, but I had depression from my teen years onward. So, I persisted and another doctor suggested an anti-depressant. It didn't seem to work for me, so I told her I would stop taking it. Well, it turned out, many years later, I tried the same anti-depressant at a different dosage and it made a big difference. I wish the original doctor had suggested a different dosage because I had no idea. Anyways, it might be something to think about.

Ladysadie

Jillian -- your thread was very interesting to me, and I forget where I was in another thread but someone mentioned Alcohol Explained (a book, also online, and available for reading the first five chapters). It DOES explain why we are depressed, why we drink to relieve the depression. I ordered the two books on Amazon and am looking forward to further understanding alcohol and its effects on our brain, why we get anxiety and cannot sleep well. I am trying to get on the road to health and from the little I have read, it is do-able. I have several prescriptions of medications my doctor has prescribed that I don't feel well when I'm taking (so I don't take them). But this book gives me hope that my brain really wants to heal, that I can heal and find my joy or happiness. I have felt dead inside for quite sometime. I am willing to give this a chance. I am hopeful for the first time in a long time <insert smile> that I'm not crazy. It's not too late.

Jillian2563

Thank you all to who commented and read. Yes, I just got done reading Alcohol Explained as well and he does explain this. And yesterday while I was in my misery I had forgotten he mentioned this. I feel much better this morning. Got some sleep and actually woke up early (day 4). I was able to talk to a friend over the weekend and she is supportive and supportive and can contact her anytime I need to. I also spent about 40 minutes with my sponsor yesterday and have agreed to do 90 in 90. Will continue to see my new therapist as well. My husband and I are in good terms this morning. Maybe we just needed some space last night.

Evoo

Hard to say - I do know what when you're in the throes of an alcohol addiction, "happiness" is going to be hard to come by. And there are reasons for this.

• Alcohol is a depressant. The short-term boost you get in serotonin and dopamine has diminishing returns and crashes by morning. If you're hungover or going through withdrawals, it's difficult (if not impossible) to also be "happy."
• Alcohol is hard on your health. It can cause odd pains, breathing problems, heart problems - being in constant recovery while your body fights off poison is a challenge all by itself...
• Alcohol exacerbates anxiety. While drinking, the central nervous system is depressed -- so your body attempts to compensate. Even when alcohol is no longer present, your brain/body continue to overcompensate... this is why alcoholics can get "jittery" and on edge while detoxing. The anxiety in these stages can be paralyzing.

There are multiple other reasons, too. You mentioned a difficult marriage, but alcohol will prevent you from addressing those issues in any real or tangible way (whether that's marriage counseling, or if you need to - separation). Alcohol is *very good* at keeping you in an ugly status quo. It makes sense, too, if your brain/body are that busy recovering and seeking relief (from more alcohol) you won't have any energy to addressing root problems or moving forward.

The good news is that within a few months of sobriety, if you're like me, you'll start to see the forest through the trees. Things that seems insurmountable before are still big issues - but you'll be equipped to take positive steps toward a better life. Personally, I've found that "happiness" is less about temporary good feelings, and far more about being fulfilled with family, life, hobbies, and most importantly - freedom from alcohol's dark embrace. Sobriety delivers.

Hang in there and keep posting.

DriGuy

Jillian, I can't offer anymore than anyone else, but I'm sad that you feel this way. I'm one of the happy ones, but I can't tell you how to be happy. I wish it was that easy. But one thing I'm sure of is that alcohol does not make me feel happy. Maybe the first few times I got drunk, but it eventually became a burden, rather than a simple happy joy ride. Your last post sounds much better. You are learning about your condition, committing to a plan, and talking to people who can help and support. This is a good start.

By the way, I wasn't always happy. Sure I had my happy moments, and often made people laugh, but my life always seemed like a struggle, and I was always trying to prove myself or doing stupid things that I regretted. But that changed with sobriety. I don't go around being happy exactly. It feels more like I'm just content, and I derive my happiness from that. I think "content" is a better description of where I'm at. And the good part is that I don't feel like I need anymore, at least for now.

Ken33xx

If you honestly can't recall the last time you felt happy I would recommend seeing a therapist. A therapist would be better able to determine what's going on and why you feel this way. Personally, I felt much better after getting sober. The immediate problems associated with abusive drinking disappeared. However, over I had to learn to live life on life's terms. Today, I can generally pinpoint why I'm feeling down or anxious.

If I couldn't I would consider a speaking with a therapist.