Why can't I do it?
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Do you hate other people who are struggling with alcohol addiction?
Is it possible to show the person in your mirror the same compassion you would show another person who was struggling with alcohol addiction?
Hating yourself and believing you are terminally flawed are tools the addiction uses to keep us drinking. If you're despicable and broken, why bother trying to be sober?
You are neither despicable nor broken.
You are in the right place.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Is it possible to show the person in your mirror the same compassion you would show another person who was struggling with alcohol addiction?
Hating yourself and believing you are terminally flawed are tools the addiction uses to keep us drinking. If you're despicable and broken, why bother trying to be sober?
You are neither despicable nor broken.
You are in the right place.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by Jupiter11 
Why? I hate this life drinking. I have hurt the most prescious person in my life. And still I do it!! I'm going mental and still I do it! I hate myself
You have the power to change your life. Make the decision to remove alcohol. Gain tools and structure that will help with positivity and change and run towards that freedom. You are not trapped and you will not fail. Believe in yourself. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 525
You may be unable to stop because you are what I refer to as a "real alcoholic". A real alcoholic is by definition unable to stop drinking on the basis of willpower or self-knowledge. One way of determining whether you are a real alcoholic is by asking yourself the following three questions:
1. Does your experience abundantly confirm that you can't predict what happens when you take a drink of alcohol? For example, sometimes you're able to stick to 2 drinks when you say you're only going to have 2 but other times you're off to the races -- and you can't predict when the result will be one or the other.
2. Does your experience abundantly confirm that regardless of how sincerely you commit to never picking up another drink of alcohol, you always find your way back to one?
3. Does your experience abundantly confirm that nothing "in the world" will solve the problem created by (1) and (2)? IOW, this is not a problem of finding the right relationship, career path, home, etc.
If your answer to all the above is "yes" -- then you may be the type of alcoholic for whom Alcoholics Anonymous is the only solution. I am that type of alcoholic, and I know many others of that type. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.
1. Does your experience abundantly confirm that you can't predict what happens when you take a drink of alcohol? For example, sometimes you're able to stick to 2 drinks when you say you're only going to have 2 but other times you're off to the races -- and you can't predict when the result will be one or the other.
2. Does your experience abundantly confirm that regardless of how sincerely you commit to never picking up another drink of alcohol, you always find your way back to one?
3. Does your experience abundantly confirm that nothing "in the world" will solve the problem created by (1) and (2)? IOW, this is not a problem of finding the right relationship, career path, home, etc.
If your answer to all the above is "yes" -- then you may be the type of alcoholic for whom Alcoholics Anonymous is the only solution. I am that type of alcoholic, and I know many others of that type. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Thank you again for the support, I am reading and taking it onboard. I hurt someone I love very badly at a special time for them. It was by text so I have the full ugliness of what I am like in drink in writing. It's horrible, but not as horrible as being on the recieving end, like they were.
The sheer horror of reading myself drunk sickens me. I didn't even mean what I said, it was illogical and steeped in self pity.
They have said, the only apology they will accept is me never drinking again. Worse than the withdrawals I suffer is confronting what I am like drunk, it is poison and it poisons every part of you, especially your mind and spirit. I can't bear the thoughts of sinking to become that person that said those things again.
So today is day 1
The sheer horror of reading myself drunk sickens me. I didn't even mean what I said, it was illogical and steeped in self pity.
They have said, the only apology they will accept is me never drinking again. Worse than the withdrawals I suffer is confronting what I am like drunk, it is poison and it poisons every part of you, especially your mind and spirit. I can't bear the thoughts of sinking to become that person that said those things again.
So today is day 1
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by Jupiter11
Thank you again for the support, I am reading and taking it onboard. I hurt someone I love very badly at a special time for them. It was by text so I have the full ugliness of what I am like in drink in writing. It's horrible, but not as horrible as being on the recieving end, like they were.
The sheer horror of reading myself drunk sickens me. I didn't even mean what I said, it was illogical and steeped in self pity.
They have said, the only apology they will accept is me never drinking again. Worse than the withdrawals I suffer is confronting what I am like drunk, it is poison and it poisons every part of you, especially your mind and spirit. I can't bear the thoughts of sinking to become that person that said those things again.
So today is day 1
The sheer horror of reading myself drunk sickens me. I didn't even mean what I said, it was illogical and steeped in self pity.
They have said, the only apology they will accept is me never drinking again. Worse than the withdrawals I suffer is confronting what I am like drunk, it is poison and it poisons every part of you, especially your mind and spirit. I can't bear the thoughts of sinking to become that person that said those things again.
So today is day 1
Day 1.
Good for you.
We are here for you every single step of the way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,157
Originally Posted by Jupiter11
Thank you for these replies, I have read and re read them. I think I expect it to be easy and just give in when it's not. But nothing can be harder than the way I feel drinking and the contempt I have for myself right now
At one time, I guess I thought quitting would be easy. When it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and decided to do something, you are right; It was not easy. My biggest hurdle was getting past the insane idea that I should be able to control my drinking. Everyone tells us to control our drinking (except for the people in this forum, who are actual alcoholics). The sad truth is that we will never be able to do this, even after years of abstinence.
Once you get past that are the nightmarish cravings, and for me the only solution was hanging onto my chair with white knuckles, but there are two things that can help you here. This forum can give you lots of tips on getting through that. Second, those cravings will diminish to manageable proportions, more like passing thoughts. And thank God for that. Otherwise, I would never make it to the great rewards of sobriety.
But as someone already said, you are on the right track. Keep trying don't give up because it's worth the effort.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by Jupiter11
Thank you again for the support, I am reading and taking it onboard. I hurt someone I love very badly at a special time for them. It was by text so I have the full ugliness of what I am like in drink in writing. It's horrible, but not as horrible as being on the recieving end, like they were.
The sheer horror of reading myself drunk sickens me. I didn't even mean what I said, it was illogical and steeped in self pity.
They have said, the only apology they will accept is me never drinking again. Worse than the withdrawals I suffer is confronting what I am like drunk, it is poison and it poisons every part of you, especially your mind and spirit. I can't bear the thoughts of sinking to become that person that said those things again.
So today is day 1
The sheer horror of reading myself drunk sickens me. I didn't even mean what I said, it was illogical and steeped in self pity.
They have said, the only apology they will accept is me never drinking again. Worse than the withdrawals I suffer is confronting what I am like drunk, it is poison and it poisons every part of you, especially your mind and spirit. I can't bear the thoughts of sinking to become that person that said those things again.
So today is day 1
I agree with Mizz--take this and turn it into fuel to get you our of the gravity well of addiction and into the space of recovery.
You have to want to do it for yourself--to change your life for you--and not just due to someone else's (justifiable) ultimatum. But it sounds like this drive to change your life is coming from your own history over time, and not just this final event.
It does get easier--I at first could imagine life without alcohol in it to numb the pain and "enjoy" my down time. But within the first few weeks after the acute withdrawal, I actually began to find peace and enjoyment in living sober. I could sleep better and better, body began to heal, and the anxiety I had had for years and thought was just part of who I was began to soften and go away.
You have time to do some things and not just drink, which consumes most free time and kills motivation. Old hobbies and interests start to get interesting again. Taking a walk in the early morning outside (without nausea or headache) is wonderful.
Life gets better as you get better.
As you do, you can begin to look at the things under the drinking that drove it, and release them.
You aren't doomed to drink--you are at the beginning of a beautiful change if you choose to be--
Good luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hi Jupiter - I'm so glad you're with us. As you can see, you are not alone anymore.
I drank for 30 yrs. & in the end it had complete control over me & my personality. I never believed people when they quoted things I'd said. It seemed impossible that I could be turned into a completely different person when drinking. My judgment was off, even though I swore I was not that effected by it. I drove when I shouldn't have, became confrontational & obnoxious. It was a relief to get free of it - to be able to trust myself & my actions once again.
You can do it.
I drank for 30 yrs. & in the end it had complete control over me & my personality. I never believed people when they quoted things I'd said. It seemed impossible that I could be turned into a completely different person when drinking. My judgment was off, even though I swore I was not that effected by it. I drove when I shouldn't have, became confrontational & obnoxious. It was a relief to get free of it - to be able to trust myself & my actions once again.
You can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Thank you again guys. You have no idea how much your posts are holding me up. It's been over a week since I did what I did and I still find it hard to be in my own body I feel so guilty and appalled at myself.
My daughter got married, long planned white wedding that she put a lot, lot of effort in to make perfect and it wasShe always said,. under no circumstances was I to drink at this wedding and I didn't. She said months ago, at my request, I could walk her down the aisle. I did drink after she said that, but she let me anyway. I also gave a mother of the bride speech as her father wasn't there.
She was so proud of me, treat me like a princess.. Lots of little touches like buying me a locket and flowers, mother of the bride things, had my hair and make-up done. Paid for lovely accommodation.
Sent me beautiful card with all sorts of nice things written on itShe's the nicest person anyway, but her thoughtfulness blew me away that day.
Her and her husband also gave me and the groom's parents a special gift. A box to open at the top table, in front of all the guests (the majority of which I didn't know)
There was a letter to read and it started, Thank you for taking care of my mummy, now my mummy is going to take care of meThat's as far as I got, couldn't read anymore.
In the box, was a baby scan and little baby things one being a little vest saying ..hello granny see you in January. She was 16 weeks pregnant.
When people figured out what was going on the room exploded in joy
My daughter got married, long planned white wedding that she put a lot, lot of effort in to make perfect and it wasShe always said,. under no circumstances was I to drink at this wedding and I didn't. She said months ago, at my request, I could walk her down the aisle. I did drink after she said that, but she let me anyway. I also gave a mother of the bride speech as her father wasn't there.
She was so proud of me, treat me like a princess.. Lots of little touches like buying me a locket and flowers, mother of the bride things, had my hair and make-up done. Paid for lovely accommodation.
Sent me beautiful card with all sorts of nice things written on itShe's the nicest person anyway, but her thoughtfulness blew me away that day.
Her and her husband also gave me and the groom's parents a special gift. A box to open at the top table, in front of all the guests (the majority of which I didn't know)
There was a letter to read and it started, Thank you for taking care of my mummy, now my mummy is going to take care of meThat's as far as I got, couldn't read anymore.
In the box, was a baby scan and little baby things one being a little vest saying ..hello granny see you in January. She was 16 weeks pregnant.
When people figured out what was going on the room exploded in joy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Congratulations Jupiter 
I've heard people say it's the best thing to be sober and have children or grandchildren and for them to never know us as drinkers, or remember us as drunks.
Thats some good motivation right there
D
I've heard people say it's the best thing to be sober and have children or grandchildren and for them to never know us as drinkers, or remember us as drunks.
Thats some good motivation right there
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
I was thrilled. After I came home, after the weekend away and I was by myself I drank. I was obsessed that she hadn't trusted me enough to tell me in private, that it was in front of a room of strangers. Also my son, who was there with his girlfriend, she was pregnant a few weeks before and they'd had to have a termination, which I'd said was for the best and I felt guilty showing such joy at this baby when I'd said, yes it would be best to end their pregnancy.
So I got drunk, texted my daughter, saying I didn't think we had the relationship we did, called the reveal a sideshow, said I felt ambushed and how I HATED having MY feelings on public show and that she told me in that card with the box. Narcissistic 101
She was just about to leave on her honeymoon, was (obviously) dreadfully upset. Explained why she hadn't told meI finally read the rest of the card that I couldn't at the wedding due to my crying and it was full of thanks, that I didn't deserve for raising herShe was nothing but thoughtful and kind to me both before and during the wedding
Then I go and kick her in the teeth and take the shine off what was a really happy occasion with the pregnancy reveal (her words)
I know I have to get sober for myself, but if I can hurt a person like her at a time like that then I don't think at this moment I can because I just feel disgust towards myself.
I would rather do it for a person like her, before she throws me out of her life for goodShe sounded so small and hurt when I finally talked to her on the phone yesterday
Day 2
So I got drunk, texted my daughter, saying I didn't think we had the relationship we did, called the reveal a sideshow, said I felt ambushed and how I HATED having MY feelings on public show and that she told me in that card with the box. Narcissistic 101
She was just about to leave on her honeymoon, was (obviously) dreadfully upset. Explained why she hadn't told meI finally read the rest of the card that I couldn't at the wedding due to my crying and it was full of thanks, that I didn't deserve for raising herShe was nothing but thoughtful and kind to me both before and during the wedding
Then I go and kick her in the teeth and take the shine off what was a really happy occasion with the pregnancy reveal (her words)
I know I have to get sober for myself, but if I can hurt a person like her at a time like that then I don't think at this moment I can because I just feel disgust towards myself.
I would rather do it for a person like her, before she throws me out of her life for goodShe sounded so small and hurt when I finally talked to her on the phone yesterday
Day 2
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
I don't think it's just the drinking I have to change. As she said, those feelings must have been lurking somewhere.
At the time, I was thrilled, hope she sees this when wedding video is sent to herIt was afterwards, alone that resentment started that she couldn't have told me in all the time we spent together in the months leading up to the wedding. Then the drinking started then reason went straight out of the window and I forgot about all the blessings she has given me. I made her feel horrible cos I felt horrible in drinkI have to change my whole self
At the time, I was thrilled, hope she sees this when wedding video is sent to herIt was afterwards, alone that resentment started that she couldn't have told me in all the time we spent together in the months leading up to the wedding. Then the drinking started then reason went straight out of the window and I forgot about all the blessings she has given me. I made her feel horrible cos I felt horrible in drinkI have to change my whole self
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Originally Posted by Jupiter11
I don't think it's just the drinking I have to change. As she said, those feelings must have been lurking somewhere.
At the time, I was thrilled, hope she sees this when wedding video is sent to herIt was afterwards, alone that resentment started that she couldn't have told me in all the time we spent together in the months leading up to the wedding. Then the drinking started then reason went straight out of the window and I forgot about all the blessings she has given me. I made her feel horrible cos I felt horrible in drinkI have to change my whole self
At the time, I was thrilled, hope she sees this when wedding video is sent to herIt was afterwards, alone that resentment started that she couldn't have told me in all the time we spent together in the months leading up to the wedding. Then the drinking started then reason went straight out of the window and I forgot about all the blessings she has given me. I made her feel horrible cos I felt horrible in drinkI have to change my whole self
so...you may not be the evil person you think you might be.
The solution is to never drink again and you'll never find yourself in this situation again
D
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
Whatever it takes to make you realize just how much trouble you are in is worth it in the end. It was an incident involving my daughter that got me to see it as well.
She had gotten caught drunk at a school dance. I was so worried she was on the same road I was. As I'm sitting there contemplating how to help her I watched in complete horror as my mind flipped and all I could think about was how to cover this up so my own drinking wouldn't be looked at. Like Non said, it makes us act in ways contrary to our core. I used to refer to it as taking crazy pills.
Anywhere but there.
She had gotten caught drunk at a school dance. I was so worried she was on the same road I was. As I'm sitting there contemplating how to help her I watched in complete horror as my mind flipped and all I could think about was how to cover this up so my own drinking wouldn't be looked at. Like Non said, it makes us act in ways contrary to our core. I used to refer to it as taking crazy pills.
Anywhere but there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Yes if something good doesn't eventually come out of this, like it being the final nail in the coffin of my drinking, then worse things are in store. I could say that drink made me do things I wouldn't normally dream of doing, but I'm the one, not drinking, who starts it.
Really want to drink today, just to stop my guts from churning with the anxiety. But that will just prove to myself that I don't really really want to stop this madness and destruction
Really want to drink today, just to stop my guts from churning with the anxiety. But that will just prove to myself that I don't really really want to stop this madness and destruction
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Originally Posted by Jupiter11
Really want to drink today, just to stop my guts from churning with the anxiety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
I know it won't. But I can't expect my daughter to forget about the cruel things I said just like that. And I don't know how long I can stand feeling so bad over it all. I haven't been able to eat or sleep in 8 days, except on the days I drank, I know I'm being pathetic and it's all my own fault, but I honestly can't live with myself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I couldn't live with myself either. I was going to commit suicide, but at the last minute, I decided to change my behavior instead. That was over 18 years ago. Today I can live with myself. I like myself and actually respect myself. As a result, my relationships with other people have improved and grown as well. Sobering up has been a win/win situation. For me, drinking was a death sentence that came damn close to be executed.
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