Mummyto2

I know I've not started yet BUT something that's bugging me and making me think, the step to apologising to people you have upset etc what happens if their dead/don't know where they are now/ or it would cause more trouble than good, how can you complete all the steps if can't do that one ?

Scd619x

This is where is it imperative to have a good sponsor, you are looking for someone who has their life in order and has had quite a few previous sponsees!

Step 8 you identify all the people you have hurt and potentially owe amends, under your sponsor's guidance. After going through step 8 and you and your sponsor deciding which ones to actually do then you go ahead and start making in roads to doing them.

You do not make amends that might hurt anyone else, including your family. If you were the main breadwinner of the family you would not put yourself in a position that making an amend would not enable you to earn money to support your family anymore as that hurts other people. I am a firm believer that in step 8 you will be writing down yourself as you have some amends to do to you too (i learned that the hard way). There are lots of other things to consider. Sure if someone is dead write them a letter and then burn it, your sponsor will guide you. You don't put pen to paper for the living unless you are 100% sure it wont come and bite you on the ass years down the line.

A lot of sponsees are completely willing to throw themselves up on the cross for their sins which is BS ego and we are not looking to make a martyr out of them. This process is to clear up your side of the street so that all the things you feel bad about are no longer taking space in your head, slowly pushing you back to that escape that you know so well, drinking.

If done properly this is a very freeing experience and will help immensely to build a strong foundation for recovery.

You do not go to step 8 until you have done the other steps and you do not do them by yourself. Well that's in AA anyway, people can feel free to do a my name is earl just not in AA please lol

advbike

I had a huge problem with that when I tried (and failed) to complete my Step 9, mostly ex-girlfriends from years prior, and I moved a lot which made it worse. No social media in those days, names change, and in retrospect the list was too long anyway. Glad now I didn't contact them - best to let sleeping dogs lie. As Scd mentions, this is often an exercise in ego bolstering and may open old wounds for the other person.

I did write a letter to my deceased father, thanking him for doing the best he could, despite being alcoholic and absent during my childhood. He was a child of an alcoholic father too. I read that to my sponsor and it was freeing.

Mummyto2

Thank you, all the people ie a couple I have apologised to a while back for my part, and also forgave them for their part, the person I truly deeply hurt loves me unconditionally as I do her, I have written notes I have sat her down and spoke to her, she is not a child that would wish me now to open up how she was feeling back then, as my old sponsor said which is all coming back now I've read your replies, is write a letter to that person and forgive yourself then get rid of the letter ie burn it etc she has been in AA for a very very long time, so I think I will do that as I don't want to hurt anyone by shoving it back in their face, thanks for your replies I'm feeling a bit better about this step now when my time comes to do it 👍

novips

If they're dead, you can make a graveside amend. If you've made a good faith effort to locate them and can't find them, then that amend is considered done so long as you remain ready to make it should they show up. If the amend would do more harm than good, then it may be skipped. All these conclusions, however, should be reached in consultation with a good sponsor -- being always mindful that we alcoholics are very good at rationalizing our self-destructive behavior.

Also keep in mind that the power and clarity to do each step comes in part from doing the step before it or doing the preceding part of that particular step. If you're like me and many other alcoholics I know, then your disease is going to pull out all the rationalizations it can to keep you from proceeding with the steps. At some point, many of us concluded that we just needed to do the experiment (i.e., do the steps) and stop playing around with all the "what ifs".

Jim1958

This is a great question, and one I have struggled with. I had an old girlfriend that I made an amends to, and she forgave me for my behavior. I don't hear from her anymore but it was important that I did that because I was in a horrible place then and I behaved badly. Some that I owed an amends to have passed away, so I have done that in my own way. Some friends from the past are still drinking. I have lost contact with most of them. I am not sure how much they really knew about my problems. It is obvious looking back, but at the time I am not sure it was. Everyone I knew was drinking all the time. I had a problem and so did a lot of them. I do believe that the best amends is not repeating the drunken behavior again and changing your life. I am trying to do that.

Mummyto2

Thanks for your replies, fab stuff 👍

Mummyto2

Weirdest thing happened, I was looking for an English speaking meeting in France, found one and it was all about step 8, I was like omg I was meant to be at that meeting and then it turns out one of the other people used to go to the same face to face meetings as me.

awuh1

Don't worry about steps that are beyond the one you are on now. The steps are numbered for a reason. Living in the future can be as stressful as living in the past......be present now. That being said here's a couple of things that could make thinking about this step a little easier.

When you do get to step 8 remember that it is there to make the world a little better place. It is NOT about apologising for what you have done. It is to do what is possible to correct the wrongs which have been done by YOU. Its about ACTION not about words. I like a suggestion I got long ago about this step. A person said that I should ask the person I had wronged what THEY thought I should do to correct or make right that wrong. This did not mean that I HAD to do what they said, but that I should at least give it strong consideration. I did exactly that, and it provided a benefit to those I had wronged in a way I never could have anticipated.

With regard to those who have died, or whom you could never find, I have one suggestion..... Find a person in similar circumstances and make amends to THEM. For example... perhaps you stole something from a stranger many years ago but you could not find them even if you wanted to. First become WILLING to make amends for your wrong. Next, wait for the universe to present you with an opportunity to find someone who has been wronged by a theft which they are very unlikely to see set right. Go to them, tell them you want to help, and ask them how you can. Perhaps even tell them that you're acting as much to help yourself as to help them and that you are acting because of a wrong you have committed in the past which you want to address. Your good example holds the potential to have others imitate your actions and in a very real way could make the world better exponentially.