AC82

Signed up on these forums years ago and posted off and on. Something happened and I think my account was hacked. Can't remember the email I used at the time, so there is no way to do a 'forgot password' deal. Anyway...it's whatever.. so here I am with a new username.

I started drinking heavily probably 15 years ago. Really started trying to tackle the problem about 7 years ago I guess. In and out of AA rooms, a couple of inpatient rehabs, bunch of online meetings - mainly because of covid, visits with therapists, doctors, etc. Been to jail for a DUI, demoted at my job because I lost my license at the time and that was a requirement of the position I held, divorced, wrecked cars, contemplated suicide on more than one occasion, destroyed potential relationships and so on and so forth. Should all of that made me stop drinking? Yep. Did it? Nope.

I don't even know what I am expecting by registering on SR again and posting up. I have so little confidence that I can ever beat this demon down. About a year ago, I REALLY threw myself into AA, even though it hadn't worked for me in the past and I have major issues with the whole religious/spiritual part of it - and please, I don't need anyone to start an argument or debate with me about that. The point I am trying to make is that I did everything I could to make it work, had a sponsor, went to meetings, led meetings, worked the steps, called countless other AA members, put money in the basket, picked up chips, studied the big book and other literature, etc. and in the end... I drank. In the end... I failed. I tried as hard as anyone probably ever has and went out of my mind with craving a drink almost on a daily basis.

I'm an atheist and that is just who I am. It isn't a matter of being defiant and trying to find a reason to walk out the doors of AA - I am fully capable of doing that all on my own. I actually was a home group member of an AA agnostic group near where I live and they were able to relate with what I struggle with as far as the program is concerned. A big problem is that they are a very small group and often get ridiculed for trying to 'change' the program - so even though I was in AA, I felt that I wasn't a true member. I've tried a few SMART recovery meetings, but they were online due to the fact that there are no local in-person meetings even close to where I live. Those meetings were ok I guess and seemed to have something to offer, but the support just isn't there. Anyway, I will digress about meetings. I'm even on a medication that really seems to help with cravings, but I don't take it consistently because my addiction to alcohol tells me that I am going to drink today and get good and drunk.

Not sure what else to say really. I don't really have a plan beyond making this post. Hoping for some support and maybe some suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to read. I will be back on later... maybe.

dustyfox

Well, here you are and you already know what you need to do, Stop putting alcohol in your mouth.
This place has lots of support. You already know what it's like to try and quit, how hard it is, what the cravings are like, so this is not new stuff. What is going to be new is how you stay stopped. What measures will work for you? As a drinker of varying degrees over 30 years I have stopped now for nearly 3 months. - I used AVRT - it worked for me. The other thing that is working is, when I feel over whelmed by the enormity of this new sober life, or the pain of my body recovering, to keep posting here. It's the best place to be, amongst fellow travellers who have trod the path, who tread the path with us. Anyway hope you find something that works for you, it will be worth it - life can be better.

Dee74

Welcome back AC

I didn't use AA or some other method - just SR... so it's possible

I had to work really hard tho - really hard - to get past those days when all I wanted to do was drink.
I posted a lot here then and found the support I needed to fly right.

Was a part of me annoyed and angry that I didn't give in and drink? Sure, but I was really glad I didn't later.

If the agnostic group you went to helped, why not keep going? If you find something that works for you, why not use it?

D

AC82

Thanks for the replies. I will have to check out AVRT. Not familiar with that one. And as far as the AA agnostic group... I didn't really say it helped, I just said that people in that group could relate to the way I think. Truth is, I could barely make it to double digit days without a drink even when I was trying like hell in the program.

I don't know what the answer is. But what I do know is I haven't had a drink today and it will be bedtime in a couple of hours. If I can do tomorrow what I did today, maybe I can put together some sober time again. The most I've ever had is just over 100 days and that was with being in an inpatient for about a third of that time.

Hevyn

Hi AC - I'm glad you came back.
Congrats for getting through the day. Those first few are so hard, but you did it.

GottaBeKidding

From what I've seen, ask a hundred people and get a hundred different answers to how they got sober. I couldn't see myself at any kind of AA or group meetings in general but doesn't mean it doesn't work for some. Whatever works for you. Wish I had some better advice but I've only been able to cobble together a little over a month of sobriety, so far, after twenty something years of daily beer drinking. This SR thing has helped a lot for me. Reading recovery literature and listening to podcasts has helped as well. Removing some of the negative influences from my environment. Welcome back and sincerely wishing you success!

GottaBeKidding

Yes. What she said.