Polaroid

Over a week sober, after a couple weeks binge. Relapsed today. I mean, literally half the grocery store is alcohol. What is this AV trying to tell me? That my life will be better if I keep drinking?

It's just been **** for 10 years. I wonder what would have happened if I never started. I, as usual, went through the horrible withdrawals - now, while I don't know how it feels to be burned alive, I feel it may be close to that pain, and it doesn't just last for a few seconds, there are days, bloody long days.... Had one seizure a couple days ago. They are scarier than the devil itself. No forewarning, I'm just in a completely delirious, panicky state when I come out of them.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I do actually look fairly okay (even when looking at myself sober). So far.

It's just the benefits, and this is not even an excuse, it's the truth, that when I drink, I do become more myself. I don't know, When sober, I may be seen as anti-social, as I have social anxiety. I'm not schizoid either as some doctor diagnosed me as. I'm the complete opposite. This is why I'm so.... well, to put it bluntly, pissed off at doctors, as they don't ******* hear me. I'm soft spoken, yes, but still, that's why you should listen you idiots, it means I'm not a ******* lunatic.

There's been a big C-19 breakout in our town lately. I got the first shot of the Pzifer vaccine today. Even though I, well, by principle didn't want it. 99.2% survive anyways.... the remaining 0.8% who decease are for the most part the elderly (80-90+).

I've already been drinking 100ml / ~3.4oz of 80% / 160 proof. I still have 200ml left. I haven't opened them. I mentioned earlier in a thread I made that I stay in an apartment in a municipal/federal building, specifically designed for addicts. Although we have as much privacy as any other, there's still staff in this building 24/7.

Tell me to give those bottles away. Tell me. I'm so sick of what alcohol has done to me, how it has messed up everything in the past decade, regardless of the benefits. Maybe I can learn to be myself without alcohol. I gotta give it time, but am so impatient.

I'm sick of hospital stays, I'm sick of inpatient stays, I'm sick of withdrawals (holy f-, not just sick, just... it feels like an eternal hell), I'm sick of alcohol, I'm sick of the ******** I've put myself through, sick of it all. It needs to stop.

In the past few days when I've started feeling better, getting through the worst of W/Ds, I've started developing/programming again, and I find it really interesting. Hours go by without me not even noticing. I learn something new every day. Occasionally there's a problem I just cannot figure out why it is a problem, but in the end - I figure it out, and it feels so satisfying. when I do. When things just work the way I want them to, just by typing something on keyboard.

I'm not just a computer nerd, though, team sports are awesome. My stamina is ****. Still, when at front left/right of the net and the middle gets the ball, I feel the urge for him/her to pass it to me, so I can spike it. I'm too shy to yell out "hey, over here" or whatever.

Regardless,
Day 0 after day 9.

Anna

Does your doctor know that you had a seizure or did you go to the hospital? I hope you are getting medical advice and care.

It sounds like you are tired of drinking and the havoc it's causing in your life. Quitting is the answer, of course. It's hard, but it can be done and it's worth it. Your AV wants you to continue drinking so it will always try to convince you that drinking is the answer. You can learn to ignore the AV and that is a big step towards sobriety. The fact that you have something in your life that interests you and keeps you occupied is a plus.

Dee74

to get sober I had to do more for my recovery than I did for my drinking.

The AV is not some external entity - it's part of us.

It has no power once we decide not to cooperate with it.
If we refuse to buy booze, theres not a damn thing it can do about it.

take back your power.

C'mon man.
Lets not go there, here.

Keep this thread on point and focused on your recovery.

D

Polaroid

My doctor and my whole support system knows I've had a history of seizures (I've had 10+), but they are always linked to withdrawals from alcohol. I've a couple MRI and CT checks. So I'm not epileptic. Evidently, my brain is fine. Even took an IQ test once, nothing spectacular, pretty much average at 111.

What's ironic is that I get so anxious I'm going to buy alcohol whenever I'm at the store, that I buy alcohol to reduce the anxiety, just be done with it.

Being social, doing something other than just looking down on my phone (seriously, literally everyone in the waiting room was doing that when taking the Covid vaccine, 15-something people), and actually doing something (cards, board games, ball games, w/e) without just watching TV, which I find extremely boring, and leaves me to my own thoughts. C-19 isn't helping, I guess.

Polaroid

Okay D, I just mentioned it (the Covid thing) as it has had a huge, negative impact on this lil' town I live in. Also the stats are not made up.

Sorry. I'm tired of authority as well, but not on here. Even being admins, you stay supportive. You're right, D, I need to tell my AV exactly that every day. Keep my brain occupied with something else so the AV can just f- off.

Dee74

Ok I can’t sit here all day watching this thread.

COVID is now off topic for this thread.

People interested in continuing that conversation can PM you Polaroid.

Dee
Administrator
SR

Polaroid

D, here's some questions for you. I'm curious. Answer what you want, of course.

So, if I may ask, for how many years have you been sober now? For how long were you drinking? Daily? Every other day? Couple times a week?

And this is kinda hard to, uh, formulate? What made you stop? A specific situation? The final realization that this goes nowhere?

Sorry, I'm just assuming here you had a problem with alcohol, I think I remember in an earlier post you made you had though.

Dee74

I've been sober since April 2007.
I started drinking really heavily around around 25 - I was also a very heavy pot user from 15 or so.
I started drinking at weekends, then nightly...by the end I was drinking all day every day - did that for 5 years.

Fear stopped me drinking. I knew I was going to die if I didn't stop.

If it helps this is my story:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html (Dee74's story - Part One)

D

Polaroid

That's amazing, man. Congrats on your 14(?) years! In 2007 I hadn't even started. Wish I had the wisdom you had then, back then.

I'm fearful as well. I'm scared of dying. I have no idea why I let the AV get the better of me today, when I know, I know so well that's how it starts and what it leads to.

Mentioned in an earlier thread of chest and back pain resembling symptoms of pancreatitis or liver disease, but that pain is pretty much gone. Now, if I just leave it at this, I might be fine. Hopefully.

I was also around 25 when drinking really started to escalate.

Anyways, glad you made the right decision D. If you weren't around, I think maybe some other people wouldn't be either....

Dee74

The thing which really motivated me apart from the fear was ...I wanted to do good, man.
I knew I could use what talents I had to better effect.

Seems to me like you're in the same boat.

I doubt you want this to go on for another ten years.

D

Polaroid

I doubt another 10 years would even be a possibility. You know what I mean.
During the last 10 years I do have an accumulated approx. 3 to 4 years of sobriety though (including all my stays at rehab... I never once drank when at rehab.)

I'm sobering up, and it's hard to find words, but yeah, I'm in a boat.... but I should be able to control the oars.

One idea is to try to maybe give it more than 9-10 days before caving. The question is... how do I fend off the AV. Even though I remember a lot of crap, I forget the misery alcohol leads to, well... not really forget, but I just want to feel fine.

.... feel fine for 2-3 hours. Alright, I relapsed, okay - no one has ever been able to change the past. However, isn't that how we learn? By not forgetting, or being able to change the past?

Tossing and turning in bed, anxiety through the roof, shaky, dizzy, nauseous, startling at every sound, seizures, panic.... the list goes on.... What I'm describing are withdrawals after heavy drinking. Do I want to go back there?! Am I really that stupid?

Good that you're doing good, man, because you are doing good!

Dee74

I used to rationalise drinking again because I'd be sick, feel better and then think how bad can it be if I feel ok now...and go do the same dance again.

At some point you have to realise how stupid such rationalizations are and how much they cost us....and I don;t just mean monetarily.

At some time after that you need to be ready to make lasting change.

I really hope you're at that point, Polaroid.

I just refused to dialogue with it.
All it wants is stuff that will see me dead.

Rational Recovery has built up a whole method around recognising and defeating the AV.
A lot of lone wolves find this approach resonates with them.

This is probably a good thread to start with. Lots of other threads in that Permanent Abstinence Based Recovery forum.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ined-long.html (AVRT Explained (long))

D

Polaroid

The 'just' part is hard for me. I can't just do this or that.
One victory though, though I feel a bit, I don't know.... weird(?) - I admitted to the staff here I had a bottle left, and let it go...

Alright, day 1.

Evoo

Early recovery is very hard, when you’re feeling the withdrawals, pain, dread and anxiety — another drink is the fastest path to relief. It’s also the least fulfilling and will put you right back into the cycle.

Early recovery is hard, but it does get better… but up front, in those early - most difficult days, it requires a commitment to sobriety greater than anything else.

You’re in a place designed to help you recover. Take advantage of it. Keep posting and you can come out of this on top.

Picture a future, recovered version of yourself, the best version of yourself — and don’t let it go. It is within your power to live your best life, go do it.

Dee74

Noone thinks they can do it...until they do it Polaroid.
Giving up that bottle can be an important milestone

D

Polaroid

Right, Evoo... I'm completely sober... aside from benzodiazepines, which I do have prescribed - I don't consider that anything that gets you 'high' in any way that alcohol does though. I didn't get them last night, as I was honest and said I had been drinking - and I know it's a dangerous combo. I did however get my first dose this morning.

And yes, that's right, I'm addicted to benzos as well...

Right now, after last night, I feel kinda shaky and anxious, but I have to, need to remember - if I keep going, it's just going to make it worse. I know this too well.

lessgravity

Congrats on your day 1. There is a better life here waiting for you to enter into it.

I second Dee's rec of Rational Recovery. So much of that book helped inform my sobriety. Get a copy and read it asap. It can only help.

Good for you for coming back here and trying again to get sober. You should focus on that part of you that is asking, begging, wanting sobriety - turn away from the side of you that wants destruction and avoidance and oblivion. What can you do to strengthen the side of you that desires sobriety?

Polaroid

I'll read it when I have the time. Crazy how busy I've become recently, and maybe that's why I've been drinking less.

Don't mean to sound cocky or anything, but I know I have much more potential than what I've just dismissed the last decade. I've got 4 jobs, including my own business. Four. If I want to. Hell, I still do manage IT stuff for 2 of them. Even though I've physically been gone for a long time, I'm still an admin on say, their FB pages. The 3rd one I've kinda given up on. That's where I worked around 2010 as a work initiative, paid nothing.... but that was fine, I thought it was fun, until I got stalked. Seriously... And then there was this guy who came along who talked about nothing but video games. All day..... long....

That's a biz where people with some, well, special needs were offered to come though, so in that sense I understand.

That's what they keep saying.... "use us". I'm that kinda person who don't really want to bother anyone though. I know it's their job, but still....

Another thing that surprised me was that this morning, I still had half a glass of vodka staying on my bedside table. Without hesitation, I just poured it down the sink. Didn't feel like drinking. Maybe it was because of your replies on here.

Thanks for your support, guys.

Dee74

I understand busy but I really recommend you make the time to read a little Polaroid.
It may not be your thing but then again it might be.

I had to make my recovery my main priority because without dealing with that everything else I did and valued was at risk.

D

Polaroid

Reading is my thing.... I've read a lot more on here than what I've posted.
.... but you guys keep telling me to post, so.... I'm trying not to be timid here.

I've bookmarked the link, I'll read it before I go to bed.