Smilax

So yup I can't handle life as usual. I just made a post last night about trying to date and it all being to anxious for me. And today I find myself literally running away from life. Packed a bunch of things and went on a random road trip. No idea where I'm going. Didn't show up to work. Messaged the person I was dating to say I'm sorry but I couldn't continue. Just running away from life like I always tend to do. Haven't drank yet but have a feeling I will when I get to whatever hotel I'm staying at tonight. I just can't seem to handle life. I make it a few years here and there at some job, someties more than that, and at some point I just burn out and it all comes crumbling down.

Mummyto2

We've all felt like this at some point in our lives, but there comes a time when you need to stop running and face your fear, I hope you will change you're mind and go home, for God's sake don't pick up as the problems will escalate very quickly, as I tell everyone there is no problem that cant be solved, wishing you the best of luck you can do this, I'm rooting for you 👍

silentrun

Good call posting. Don't let it get you alone. I'm sorry you are hurting.

silentrun

I read your other post and I grew up in a cult so I get what you are saying. I had a lot of that old programming still running. I thought I had to believe what that programming was telling me but I didn't. It was all lies. They were trying to mold me.

ScottFromWI

You didn't run away from the opportunity to come here and ask for help - that was a conscious choice ( and a good one ) that you made. You will face several similar choices today, and there's no reason you can't make the right choice with them either.

Scd619x

You need to stop listening to other people identifying with you, as the vast majority do not. My life was the mirror image of yours and has only marginally improved in sobriety but it's a long way from where i was, even that little improvement.

I would have no problem not going to work, dumping someone and hitting the road, not a problem at all and did it multiple times for multiple reasons over the years.

In my last post i mentioned getting a counselor. You are going to need some help navigating these issues and no amount of sober time will give you that, you will just end up waiting again for things to get better and take solace in platitudes telling you if you don't drink all your problems will be solved which is absolute rubbish.

Whatever you do, stay safe and don't go back to the lone wolf and stay there for an extended time, please do as i advise and look to get some help asap.

Like i was if i could have done it by myself i would have done it decades ago, and i am not talking about giving up alcohol as that is just a symptom of the problems.

Take care.

DriGuy

I did that once too. I drove all the way to Fairbanks, Alaska from the lower 48. I'm not so sure it was a bad thing, as it ended up changing my life for the better, although my close friend was telling his father-in-law about my strange spur of the moment decision, and his father-in-law said, "Hmmm, sounds like he's got a screw loose." I did kind of have a screw loose too, but the trip helped me fix that in the end.

But here's hoping you get some of this sorted out. Hint: Alcohol will not help sort anything out, so please don't drink, but of course that is always your choice. Just don't expect drinking to solve anything. That's one of the reasons people always tell new comers that recovery requires more than just quitting drinking. You can probably argue that this isn't necessarily true, and the Rational Recovery Program actually hits on this in one place in the book. But the reason people say that is because in recovery, we have a chance (actually are forced) to start solving our problems, rather than escaping to the bottle, and I would 99% agree with that. Otherwise escaping to the bottle becomes the preferred coping strategy, and that leads us nowhere, which is maybe OK in your teens, but adulthood expects more from us than that.

doggonecarl

No matter where you run, there you are! Can run away from you.

Anna

Smilax, I'm glad you posted. I think that your running away response reminds me of my own self-sabotaging. For many, many years I didn't believe that I deserved anything good in my life. Therefore, I left friendships, I left boyfriends and I left jobs - situations where I was afraid of things going well. I gave up things that were good for me and my life because I didn't know how to accept good things in my life. I don't know if these will make any sense to you, but it might. Good job on posting before you drink.

brighterday1234

Getting sober and working an efficacious recovery program can be a great solution to what you describe. There is a solution and eventually our demons are faced and we stop running and start embracing life is my experience 🙏

Dee74

Hey Smilax

I hope you turn around and head for home, not picking up booze on the way.
Drinking will only cement this behaviour, endorse it, and make it harder for you to change.

I had many fears and fear of change, fear of responsibility and of being found wanting were some of my biggest.

I had to ease myself gently into things. If I was interested in someone, I’d meet them in public - meals movies etc. Inviting someone to my place, or going to theirs would probably have terrified me too if it was too soon.

In any case, if part of your reaction is to drink, it might be a sign you’re just not ready for this level of change and you’re not ready to date yet.

Recovery for me was about a lot more than not drinking or getting high.

Not being ready now doesn’t mean you’ll always be this way…it just means you have more recovery work to do first

Go home, man - stay sober

D

saoutchik

I'm not sure what you are running away from Smilax. Is there an element of self-sabotage going on? I seem to remember you said you had a therapist, have you been able to speak to him/her about things yet? I think you should, just to try and get some rational perspective. No shows at work can make life difficult too if they happen more than once. I just think if you faced whatever it is you are anxious about you would find it nowhere near as bad as you fear.

Dee74

How did you end up Smilax?

D

Aellyce

There has been quite a bit of discussion on this forum about the desire for escaping and how that relates to addiction (I wrote about it myself as well before), you could read some of those threads/posts. I think many of us have a version of this and act it out in several ways... The way I personally like to think about it is to remind myself a banal but very relevant fact about how short a life we've got and how many fantastic opportunities it can provide, even if some of them are induce anxiety or ambivalence at first. I even used a phone app for a while that's designed to send reminders and wise words in relation to death and the finite nature of existence, it was interesting using it for a while.

I've also just read your other thread about dating - you would probably benefit from looking into the concept of attachment styles if you have not done so yet. I got a lot out of studying that in the past and determining how those things manifest in my life, although can't say I've resolved it. I think generally people who have issues with this do best finding parters (even friends) that are more on the so-called "secure" part of this area, although problematic folks infamously often hook up with each-other. I also get a lot out of analyzing my ongoing relationships (not just romantic) for this and discussing it with mates that are open to take a more unbiased look at what's actually happening between us. I personally prefer to do this than doing it in counseling/psychotherapy, because with a real mate it's more realistic and less one-dimensional, but I've met lots of people who did therapy for this and found it enlightening or even life-changing. I think all this can leak into many different areas of life, not just relationships, many things involving commitment and follow-through. If you have been sober from an addiction for quite a while, then you must have faced and worked through quite a bit of it already, so it has not only been running away.

novips

I couldn't stay sober (and live a sober life wherein I wasn't routinely running away) until I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The doors of A.A. are always open to you. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

silentrun

How goes it today?