SoberHubFINALLY

It’s a beautiful day to have a sober husband...so why am I having nightmares??

Quick history: married 34 yrs. AH stopped cold turkey when he was 30 (due to my “I’m leaving ultimatum). Great sobriety w/A.A. for 14 yrs & then thought he could “drink responsibly” I know...I know.🙄 FF as it went slowly & then QUICKLY downhill. The past 5 yrs have been a living hell. We both gave up on life & each other. Family fell apart, our mental & physical health suffered greatly, & I finally got enough strength to start a divorce. Sober AH is greatest man in the world. Drunk guy? Bleh!

Then 6 wks ago he put himself in rehab. An AMAZING facility that I’ll forever be thankful for & indebted to. The aftercare is phenomenal & the love of my life is back. Our family is healing (sons & grandkids who had given up) so well & life seems REALLY worth living again.

So WHY am I here?? Because I’m having constant wake-up-screaming nightmares that he’s going to leave for a fresh start. He’s in daily contact w/friends (fellow patients) from rehab, both men & women. He talks to them on speaker phone w/me around so I can feel engaged, but sometimes it makes me feel like I’m a 3rd wheel. Like these other women are able to relate & help him better than I can. Lots of laughter & tears & inside stories that I can’t follow.

And I’m too embarrassed to tell him.

I just signed up to this forum in hopes of finding someone who’s been through this & can give sound advice so I don’t drive myself crazy. Im worried that deep down I may miss that horrible drama filled life & could end up creating new ways to be miserable. Thanks for listening.

advbike

I am glad your husband is doing well but sorry for your anxiety. I can't really give advice, except that successful rehab and early sobriety is a HUGE deal. We are changing our lives, our emotions are all over the place,, and people grow close in that situation. We have a class here each month for newcomers, and classmates tend to be very supportive of each other for months afterwards. And it does seem like he is being very open and honest about it all, which is awesome. Sometimes when the dynamic in a relationship change it can bring out insecurities in the other person. But as long as it remains a conference call with several on the line and he is not hiding or secretly messaging anyone, please try to trust him.

We also have a Family and Friends of Alcoholics section located partway down the main page.

Anna

Welcome and I'm glad that your husband is sober and doing well.

It sounds like your husband is being open about his conversations with his fellow patients and not trying to hide anything from you. It seems like a good idea that he is relying on these people for support. I'm sure he feels he is getting support from you, too, though I understand how you might feel left out. My suggestion is to talk to him and express your feelings. Hopefully you can work out something so both of you feel supported. At the same time, I think it's very important for you to focus on yourself and take care of you. The fact you think you might be creating drama right now is concerning. Each of you need to recover in your own way.

SoberHubFINALLY

Thank you so much for ur thoughtful replies to my what I “thought” was unnecessary worry. I put that in “ “ because now I’m not so sure I /don’t have a reason to be concerned. Latest 411: Today my husband drove almost 2 hrs to attend a celebration of life for one of his rehab friends who sadly died about a week out of rehab (OD on fentanyl). It was my 1st day back to work/school & I couldn’t go. We talked a couple of times on the phone during it & everyone was enjoying the (sad, but still joyful) reunion.

Without warning, he suddenly put me on the phone w/the woman I’d had concerns about & was the reason for my original post. Kind of awkward, but no biggie. He sounded so happy & so did she. On the way home he sent me some pics & I got my 1st glimpse of “Shayla, & yep. Pretty with (younger than mine) breasts coming out her tank top. It seemed like a great group of 5 recovering friends meeting up, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Shayla & my husband. I told myself everything u all have said above: if he’s being above board then trust him. He was a terrible AH in many, MAAANY ways, but he’s never been unfaithful. He’s also never really been tested due to his job (construction all men all day) & basically being home drunk when he wasn’t working. But to his credit, he’s just never been that kind of guy before or during our crappy alcoholic yrs. ANYWAY! I couldn’t help it & I went & checked the online text/call logs on our AT&T plan.

And I’ll be damned it he hasn’t called her 34 times in the 18 days he’s been out. About 70 texts between them, too. This absolutely doesn’t square with what’s on his phone. I’ve seen a few calls & texts. Plus, I thought I was usually within earshot. The thing that broke my heart the most were the 2 times recently where she was the last person he called before sleep (around 930 both times for about 10 min) & then the 1st one he talked to in the morning, always before I got up (about 545 for 10 min). What really concerns me is that I see a progression just like when he started drinking again the last time. It started as 1 call in the mornings every day or so & now he’s starting to call her on his lunch break. Literally morning, noon & night.

The guy goes to a meeting every day (2 on Thursday), the aftercare people come to our house twice a week, he blows in the sober thing 3 times a day, has a great sponsor who calls him at least every other day & has made a bunch of local AA friends. He really is doing great & im so proud of him, but seeing that call log shook me. I mean, how many folks does he need to talk to?

So once he got home & we’re in bed, I asked him about it & why he’s been deleting nearly all of his calls with her & some of the texts. He said bc he knew it would seem like too much & that “you’d do this”...which immediately took me back to the drinking days. This didn’t turn into a fight, but it was really close. He was mad for being questioned & shut down exactly like the drinking questioning days. Didn’t want me to touch him at all.

That broke my heart as bad as anything else. We’ve been doing sooo well together without much effort. The love & trust just popped right back into pre-drunk days...until this damn thing. I’m wide awake at 330 am on my 2nd day back to school & can’t decide if I went waaay overboard on questioning him, or if he’s heading down a slippery slope that he’s convinced isn’t there. I’ll add that he said something like “Shayla just needs somebody to talk to. She does call a lot, but we talked a lot in rehab. U have NOTHING to worry about, but that’s why I deleted some of them...it was just too much”

The thing is, he didn’t know that the log shows if it’s an in or out call. Every one except ONE was outgoing. So even if this is nothing more than 2 rehab buddies talking, he’s lying me (his wife, NOT his rehab “buddy”). I really need some sound advice on how to handle this. I’m pretty sure he’ll still be pissed when he gets up & I’ll apologize to him if that’s the consensus here. If not, now what? I told him everything I’ve read from AA doesn’t encourage intense opposit sex friendships, but maybe I’m wrong & blowing it out of proportion.

Either way, it really doesn’t sit well with me. I’d think if it’s causing a problem, it IS a problem.

kinda like drinking... 😔

Thank you all so much.

SoberHubFINALLY

Let me change that kinda crappy-on-my-part "how many folks does he need to talk to?" to "he has so many people to choose from, why does he need to talk to THIS one (who has the same aftercare resources available to her as he does) 100X more than anyone else??" He's 3 weeks sober & turning to someone with about 3 days more than him. If he's truly doing this just to help her, is he instead possibly doing her recovery more harm than good by thinking that he can help better than the local AA chapter or their mutual rehab's experts who are doing a great job helping HIM?

555Lynn555

SHF I get it. You lived with an alcoholic and that damaged your trust. You're seeing patterns that you've seen before and it's making you crazy. You're human. I'm saying that because you need to breathe and not feel guilty for normal, human feelings. I have my own codependent issues so folks might disagree with me on this but I'm going to say it anyway. If I set aside his alcoholism and previous problems and look only at this behavior---it is a HUGE problem. Let's just assume for a moment that everything he says is true and everything is completely above board---it is still disrespectful to you and your relationship to behave in this manner, particularly when he KNOWS it causes you distress. Now, he is lying to you, he is covering up his behavior, he is making tremendous efforts to talk to and see this woman, but he shuts down when you try to have a conversation with him about what is bothering you? That is not ok. Now let's add back in his history and your 34 years of experience---you know this man---the good, the bad, and everything in between. I'm not saying your husband is cheating on you--emotionally or physically--but I am saying that I wouldn't be ok with his behavior and I think you are justified in your concerns. Here's the problem though---you've gone from carrying the weight of his alcoholism to carrying the weight of this. You aren't asking him to stop accessing his support network; you are asking him to stop lying, hiding things from you, and behaving in a manner disrespectful to you and your marriage. That is not unreasonable---under any circumstances---and you shouldn't settle for less. I'm so very sorry that this time that should be so promising has taken this turn for you. His recovery is more than his sobriety, and perhaps learning to make better decisions (decisions that aren't damaging to himself or others) is part of that.

DriGuy

Drunks are hard to live with. So are drunks in recovery. There are special bonds that happen in recovery groups, not many are all that healthy either. Even if they are not having sex together, the fact is that other woman can give your husband things you cannot. This is not a shortcoming on your part. You can never share the experience of recovery with your husband, because you can never experience it yourself. Recovery is a wild heady ride with strong emotions and anyone even slightly prone to manic tendencies can act irrationally.

My perspective on relationships, and I admit it may be a cynical one, is that alcoholics, even those in recovery, are high risk for partnerships. You never know when they are going to fall off the wagon, and become burdens rather than cooperating partners.

Now with that bleak point of view, a good relationship may still be possible, but statistically your odds of success are lower with an alcoholic. But this is my opinion. I have never brought my perspective to the attention of anyone else before, so no one has ever offered me reason to change my view.

If that other woman was my wife, I would be deeply concerned about her relationship with your husband. What would I do? I'm not sure, but I would lose one big mega bite of trust in her as a partner. Would I leave? It's possible. I'm not prone to issue ultimatums, because ultimatums must be backed up, but in fairness to my partner, she needs to understand my limitations on relationships. If she doesn't care, then that gives me a whole lot of valuable information about any fantasy I might have for an enduring future for us.

I will easily admit to my jealousy. I don't think it's a bad thing. We always hear that jealousy is bad. But there needs to be some context to know when it's inappropriate. Never is a big mouthful. I can avoid jealousy, but that means I can never care about my partner, and I don't want to be that guy.

I'm just streaming thoughts here. I could be wrong about all this. It wouldn't be the first time. We all need to set boundaries, and this is true for our relationships. Our boundaries may not be the same.

Khorhey

To make this short, if my wife was doing that I would tell her it’s ridiculous and she needs a girlfriend.

I wouldn’t do that. I have guy friends.

My wife is 25 years younger, tall blond, beautiful and guys are constantly trying to talk to her. It doesn’t bother me because she has never given me a reason to worry. She is a great person and I’m very lucky.

But…..I would not put up with her having they type of relationship you are describing. Period.

SparkleKitty

If it is a problem for you, then it is a problem. Full stop.