Two months and I'm a mess.
 

Yesterday I should have been celebrating 2 months of freedom, but I feel tragically horrifying.

Heart palps, exhaustion, anxious, tense to the point my jaw hurts from clenching, a migraine that has rendered me motionless, nauseous, dizzy, and just sunk.

I had to go to a dinner with neighbors last night (bc I cancelled thrice prior) and one woman just could not stop nailing me with barbs and jabs and digs.
Even people who normally don't really ever drink, were putting away bottles.

I feel like a stranger in a strange land and my body and head are in full revolt.

I know I'm in sobrieties infancy right now, but I'm gutted.

:(

Hugs, AO; the way you are feeling sounds dreadful. Have you considered seeing your doctor? Maybe some of those symptoms should be checked out.

The woman who kept sending jabs, etc., your way sounds very thoughtless - really no excuse for that.

More hugs.

Power on, AO; two months of sobriety is great progress; be proud of yourself.

Hi my friend - yes- I had a full physical 2 weeks ago, along with several other bodily upkeeps that went wayward with Covid/addiction.

I am, strangely enough, very healthy thank Goddess.

AO, it took me a good nine months.

Just don't drink. If you do that all the rest will fall in line and heal.

Dig in deep with your recovery and sobriety claws
and don't let go no matter what. For all of us who
have been learning to achieve continuous sobriety, we
put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Many times we are going thru the motions and many
of us have had support to hold us up. Support to hold
our hands, lend a ear, lift us up, walk beside us, a tailcoat
to hold tightly too follow closely.

Last year when corvid hit and things were shut down,
folks that went to get their hair cut or styled at the salon
or barbershop where soon left in a dire situation.

For me, i did my hair at home myself. Coloring it and
keeping it trimmed and pulled up because i work in my
gardens. Well, i have always had dark hair and yes it
was an up keep i had been doing for yrs.

Then the virus hit I decided to let go of the coloring
and allow my natural color grow out which would be
silver or grey or white for my age. 60ish. :)

Anyway, I sure did a number on my hair with bleaching
it myself and breaking and damaging my long hair.

Now, here we are past a yr since the shut down and
a yr since I bleached and damaged my hair. Today,
and a many one days later, my hair has grown out
and is healthy and in it's natural state. Not brunette
and not white.

Somewheres in between and you know what, it's
okay because i am free from the bondage of having
to dye my hair every month. :)

Acceptance is the key. And I accept my new natural
color.

When we first get sober, it takes time, a good year
away from alcohol for our heart, minds and souls to
begin to reap the rewards of being free from our
addiction.

I waited everyday and kept watch everyday waiting to
see my new hair to grow out from the dyed color. Sure,
ive had moments that I would love to have my dark
hair back, but is it worth the time and mess to go thru
that process again?

Not no but heck no. There is nothing to make me want
to go back and dye my hair again just like it is with drinking.

Once i experienced the freedom from the addiction of
alcohol or hair coloring then i will continue to do whatever
i need to do on a daily bases to strengthen my resolve
to stay stopped and learn to live a healthy, happy, honest
way of life without it.

You can too.

We don't know anything in infancy. We had to be guided. We
had to learn. We had those with experiences, wisdom and knowledge
to feed us information so that we could learn to walk, talk and
eventually become the human beings we are today.

Same thing with recovery. Once we get sober we have to be
fed important and helpful information and knowledge about
addiction and how it affected each of us as individuals. No
2 people are the same. We are all made up or wired differently.

Alcohol or drugs are toxic substances that run thru each
of us with affecting every inch of us inside and out destroying
and damaging us mentally, physically and spiritually.

Once this toxic substance leaves us, the damage has to be
repaired which takes time. I too was given a clean bill of
health when i got sober. I then had to learn what made
me drink, why I drank.

Looking at my character defects, my selfishness, self
centeredness, the way i treated people. Was it people,
places or things that didnt meet my expectations that i
drank over. Did I lie, steal, unfaithful etc.

Everyone has a list of things they need to sort out
and make right so that we don't have to revert back
to numbing it, not wanting to deal with it, face it, with
a toxic substance.

Continue to listen, read, learn each day and before
you know it, you will begin to experience what so many
have and are experiencing in recovery.

It's not all gonna be a pink cloud everyday. It's gonna
be everyday life but looking at it with clearer vision.

The rewards and blessings are straight ahead waiting
for you. And remember, you are never alone. Never
hesitate to ask for help no matter how silly or unimportant
it may seem. I'm pretty sure all of us has been there done
the same similar things in our lifetime too.

SR Support Strong. :c014:

AO, I find it disturbing that you went out to dinner with someone who was nailing you with jabs and barbs. Also, you said you 'had' to go to dinner with neighbors because you had cancelled three times already. That's not a reason to say 'Yes". If you don't want to go, don't go. When you are doing things you don't want to do, out of obligation, it's likely to make you headachy and cranky. I know, because I did that. Learning how to say 'No' and feel okay with it, was a huge step in my recovery. You deserve to spend time with people who respect you and care about you. :)

I hear you my friend. This was one of those situations I simply could not back out of. It was a quasi going away dinner as I'm moving, and the lovely couple that hosted made everything from scratch from everything in their garden. It was a love filled gesture that required honoring.

It just so happend this witch who normally I can get on fine with, decided to come out guns blazing. And I decided to ride it out for the sake of the hosts. I wasn't backing down, even though I could not give a rats tail what she thinks, or thinks not, of me.

My sobriety was not for a second in jeopardy as I had not the slightest inclination to drink ethanol.
But the body keeps the score, as as you mentioned above, I am feeling the aftermath of an energetic battle that I had no intention of having to wage.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, uncomfortable and all. :grouphug:

I know how that feels alpha…It hurts…it sucks…I know… what can I say but, yeah….It’s gonna suck for awhile. You have to hang in there and stay sober. I wanted to throw in the towel and drink to relieve the pain sooooo many times during the periods you’re going through now.

Can you hold on and do that?….Keep coming here to post and the encouragement will carry you through.

:grouphug: :c020:

Agreed. Nothing wrong with steering clear of such negativity, AO. You’re a far better person than that woman.

It sounded like an appalling evening, and I think most of us would’ve struggled. But hey you could’ve said what the hell and drowned your sorrows. It sounded like there was plenty of booze going spare. But, if anything good came out of such an evening to be forgotten, it was that you didn’t drink when so many others would’ve caved. Take huge credit for that.

I agree with Leigh about the symptoms. Tell your GP. It could be anxiety connected with the quitting.

I know you’re not in the mood for celebrating, but two months is still two months. You survived a huge test yesterday. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

AO, I hope that the next month sees positive changes in your health and the beginnings of feeling comfortable in your own skin. Clearly, the couple who hosted the party and cooked from scratch, think that you are a wonderful person. :)

AO I hear your pain and you're right you are suffering from the exertion and effort it took to complete that meal - what a nightmarish ordeal that sounded. You are moving as well, so it sounds like some stress is around you. You are a strong person, I can tell, but however strong it is horrendous at times in early recovery as when we should be waking up feeling zipperdeedoodah we don't - and it is disheartening to say the least.
The wolf may be at the door but we will not let him in despite his howling! Stay strong.

Hey AO

It took me at least 2 months to feel like I wasn't going to drop dead any minute and probably 3 months before I felt "ok''.
I had a lot of poison - physical and mental - to get rid off from years of drinking.

It will all work out, I'm sure :)

D

My gosh that is exactly how I feel. Like - ANY minute.

Ok- I can hang on. I can do this.

If I can you can :)

D

I was really a mess for the first few months. Anxiety, emotions, more anxiety, more emotions. All over the place. I really felt like I was done for or I had altered myself in some horrible way. It was so so hard. I had day long episodes of anxiety that were crippling. Feeling like I was going to burst. All the dramatic words can be used for my first few months of sobriety. It was troubling. Very very troubling.

Around month three I woke up and felt better. The light had returned. I thought it was a fluke. I didn't talk about it. The "better" feeling stayed. I was getting well. I was showing and feeling improvement. I continue to improve with each month. Those first few months though.....yikes!

Chop wood and carry water. Chop wood and carry water.
It was my mantra for quite awhile.

YOU WILL GET BETTER! I believe in you. We believe in you. I am happy you are here, AO!

Hi alphaomega! Good to see you. Gosh I was anyhow when newly sober. I learnt a lot when I found SR and read and learnt from like minded people. You can do this my friend . :hug:s x

How are you doing today AO?

You guys are so beautiful :grouphug:

It gives me much peace, and even more strength to fight this battle hearing that I am in the thick of it right now.
It reminds me that there is deep healing taking place, and that literally ANYTHING (including anxiety and all its spicy cohorts) is worth not dying from cirrohsis.
I really really really dont want to die bleeding out from my skin. :(

I think I'm conditioned to believe that "celebrations" like the 2 month anniversary I just past, go hand in hand with being intoxicated.
Instead I got a whatfor from my tired and battered brain. Maybe I'm one of those people who are better served not counting days.

Sometimes I do forget its ok to give myself a pat on the back for making it through things like that dinner without caving. I tend to go to extremes, and if one thing doesnt feel right, then I have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. That's all or nothing thinking and it serves no one.

The only all or nothing thinking I need to be attaching to right now, is to continue to remain substance free.
Out of the prison and away from the gates of alcohell.

I'm feeling a bit back to myself today. Grabbing my ax and bucket to chop wood and carry water. :)

Thanks for holding my hand through this and walking by my side. :grouphug:

XO AO

"stranger in a strange land." I never thought of it that way but that is how it felt.

Congratulations on two months my hot mess of a friend.