8121994

Hi everyone, my now ex fiancé. Came home from work one day told me that he’s been drinking for months now and that he can’t be with me anymore. He told me that he was going to his moms 35 mins away because our house was a toxic environment for him. The next day he sent me a long text mentioning how he can’t believe he did this to me, I’m never gonna give up on us, I’m saying things that I don’t truly mean and I’m doing things that I don’t really want to do, I want to be with you and I don’t want to change anything, this isn’t your fault you’re perfect, I’m so sorry this isn’t who I am, You don’t deserve this, I’m never gonna let you go, I need to be with you . And he also wrote I thought because I was drinking that I wanted to get away from you and blame you for making me drink but that’s not true and that his alcoholic side wants him to leave so he doesn’t have to drink. He also told me in the text that he was coming home in 5 days and that he wanted those days to get his alcoholic mentality out of his system. And then 2 days later he told me he had to come home and missed me but then didn’t come home and gave me the excuse that he meant the day after. He started to ghost me from then on and so I showed up at his house four days later. When I got there he was crying and depressed and said that he couldn’t hug me and couldn’t talk to me or see me because it was too hard for him. I looked up alcohol withdrawal and they mentioned not messaging an alcoholic that’s going through withdrawals ghosting you. I gave him space and then five days later I messaged him telling him I was concerned about something bad happening to him with the law or him dying and he responded I’m sorry I’ve been sober since I left to go to my moms I was just too scared to tell you that I’m ready to Move on. I told him that I needed closure but in reality I wanted to try and get him back. He message me and told me he needed closure as well and that he would show up on Wednesday this coming Wednesday. I let him know in the text that I wanted to work on things with him and he responded I’ll see you on Wednesday I’m sorry I don’t wanna talk about this. I take that as I’m not interested in getting back together but just closure. Before he left he was the sweetest, dedicated, selfless, patient, loving man. We have been together for two years and he’s never been mean to me. My mother and I don’t have a good relationship and she is degraded me a lot and our last phone call with her he was yelling at her for treating me so badly and that I work really hard and then what not. He’s very protective and he’s always told me that any guy that’s left me is an idiot but now he’s left me and doesn’t want to be with me anymore and I can’t help but blame myself because I have borderline personality disorder so you know I’ve had mood swings I’ve had tried different types of medications I had a really bad mood swing and I was hitting him and kicking him and it’s really embarrassing to admit this but it’s the honest truth. This would happen when I was pms but I’ve gotten it under control. I’m sorry I’m not abusive please don’t think that. I am afraid that it’s my fault that he left because of that I’ve been fined for two months without any episodes. He has always been really understanding and patient and kind and understands that I love him and I never meant to hurt him I don’t know why he would just suddenly leave. He proposed to me on May 31 and then June 13 he left me. I’m not sure if this is my fault because he was able to handle it before. Why is he breaking up with me and why are his texts so cold? He used to check on me if I didn’t message him within a few hours and now he doesn’t care. The first night he left he was worried about me because my emotions were very unstable and I was very anxious and he messaged me about 10 times asking if I was ok and I was sleeping but point is he was scared and worried but now he doesn’t care. If I don’t message him for days who knows maybe weeks probably. Please share your thoughts

SparkleKitty

Hey friend -- I can't make any guesses as to 'why' he is doing and saying these things, but it is very plain based on the actions you describe that this person isn't within a mile's reach of being capable of being in a healthy relationship right now, or for the foreseeable future. And to be blunt, neither do you. Perhaps this separation is an excellent opportunity for each of you individually to figure out how you can be the healthiest people you can be. Sometimes the pressure and obligations (real or perceived) of a relationship can be too much when we are not secure and whole within ourselves.

8121994

The other day he apologized for ghosting me and that he was afraid to tell me he’s ready to move on but not to date anyone.

FloRida2017

It’s tough. It’s still early in the break up, so I’m sure you are thinking about possibilities still. Stay positive and don’t allow yourself to hang on to something too long. It can be torture. Trust me. It takes two. Its cliche, but there are too many people out there to be stuck on one. I can relate.

BeABetterMan

It sounds like you’re having cognitive dissonance. He’s telling you he wants it to be over and you’re not accepting that.

There is a long way to go about this and a short way.

The long way is to continue to try to delve into his psyche. To try to make sense or find reasoning. Or maybe even to change his mind. But in the end you will end up apart, which is the proper thing if he doesn’t want to be in the relationship. So
you will have spent all this time and agony over the decision living in a state of limbo and desperation.

Or you can take him at his word. Take the time to mourn the loss of the relationship and get on with your life. In time, if you do the proper self-care, you will come out stronger and wiser. Able to stand on your own. At that time maybe you would entertain entering into another relationship.

Losing someone you love is undoubtedly the hardest thing a person can endure. I have had breakups that hurt worse than the loss of a loved one. But that was then. And this is mow. I have been doing proper self care for over two years and I’m recovering. Today I wouldn’t take back my ex for all the money in the world. I now find her both repulsive and pitiful, and I’m not trying to be mean, it’s just that I’ve come that far.

I’m sorry you are feeling pain. I hope that you will talk to people that you trust to get their advice on this matter and act accordingly.

Cityboy

812, sorry you are going through this, but thank you for sharing about it. I agree with what has been said. You don't need this kind of drama in your life, which most likely will continue to get worse. No one is perfect, but you need a relationship in which you will be mutually supportive and uplifting.

I hope your relationship with your mom improves, or that you can find your own strength independent of that relationship.

Lucinda2

Early doors on break-ups stink. So hard. You will get through this.

Scd619x

Sounds like he is very codependent and trying to get out of the relationship but unable to do it in person. He's definitely got a big issue with alcohol as heavy drinkers don't behave that way at all. I don#t know how knowing that helps you much.