someday147

Hi everyone,

I'm in AA and it's great for me so far. I am curious as to what others do and have done in their recovery journeys specifically in regards to clearing up wreckage from past behaviours and making amends in a non AA way. Or of course if you have not done these things just generally what you do or have done that works for you. Always nice to have as many tools as possible.

Thanks

Anna

I'm not an AA person. I use a DIY approach. I depended on some good books for inspiration and direction in the early days. "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp gave me, for the first time, the belief that I really could stop drinking.

My immediate family were the people who were the most affected and most hurt by my several years of drinking. Of course, I apologized to them. But, in the early days of recovery, I could tell the words meant very little to them. So, I made amends to them quietly and consistently, and I have done everything I can to make up for the pain I caused.

I had to learn patience, and lots of it. I had to learn to say 'No' and to focus on my sobriety. Balance was absolutely key for me from the outset in recovery. So, I began walking a lot and I got involved in volunteering with women who lived on the street. These two things really changed my life from the inside out, completely. And, about 3 years into my recovery, I found SR and it has been a home and inspiration to me ever since.

Mizz

I am not in AA.

That being said, the amends that I felt was crucial in my life was to myself. Active alcoholism took a lot from me in regards to who I am in the world and how I operate. I was not living the life that I wanted to live due to being wrapped up in the activities of alcoholism. Now that I am free from it I can be who I am meant to be without guilt and remorse. Running, being productive, learning, honoring my life and having a solid spiritual foundation. I really did a number on myself with all the alcohol I consumed and forgiving myself has been quite the process.

As for my relationship: I am sober. I apologized. We moved forward.

resolute50

You will find that if people truly love you. The wreckage will clean itself up as time goes by. And as you demonstrate that your life has truly changed.
That is my experience.

Scd619x

First time i got sober, stayed that way for 5 years before drinking again, went on an almost 'my name is earl' mission in AA to make amends to everyone, was great when i was making them, felt brilliant. At the time i didn't know i was making trouble for myself further down the line though so i strongly advise that all amends are seriously considered before making them and certainly DO NOT put pen to paper when doing them!

This time round, AA again, been sober longer than before but this time was extremely selective and mature about any amends i had to make. Imo you know what amends you need to make because they are forever on your mind, we need guidance on how to make them so we don't hurt anyone doing so of course. Other amends are just daft, sure write down what you think are all your potential amends and wrong doings but few of them should actually be followed through.

There is a distinct religious connotation with making amends and in the western religions it is a process of living differently now and in the future, with having repentance for our previous actions but not going on a rampage to try and change the past to make ourselves feel better at others expense.

Weird old subject, and i do sponsor but am very careful with step 8 and 9. This isn't a born again, blank sheet thing! We have to accept responsibility for what we were and who we are now. Ensure you have a straight shooting sponsor who realises that we don't live in the 50's anymore, 12 step calls are pretty much over, inviting someone to live with you to help them get sober is a nono, and not all people in society are going to be empathic to our plights lol.

freedomfries

Mostly I vape and chug pepsi max, and fantasize about relapsing on hand sanitizer. :/

But hey it's got me four months so far.

Hodd

Can’t do anything about the past. Like lots of us here, I wasted years and screwed up big time due to drinking. Just look forward to a better future.

tursiops999

I initially got sober through AA, and the first year I did make a few amends in the official AA manner. I have mixed feelings about it ... I think perhaps it was helpful for my spouse to hear me clearly "own" my part in our difficulties. For some of the other people, I'm not sure it was necessary or helpful. As the years have gone by, the most important amends have really been the living amends. What meant the most to my spouse was when I consistently worked on being kinder, gentler, and more thoughtful and loving towards him, day after day. It was what I did, more than what I said, that mattered.

D122y

I finally got well enough that I decided to see a therapist. Whatever that means.

I was more emotional from day 1. I could feel it getting better and it has.

But, now I am tired of making it up as I go, or getting advice, and 2nd hand therapy from my peers.

So like I said I am going with a pro. I don't know anything about her other than she works for the govt. and she is there to help.

Booze is poison. I hate the stuff.

Thanks.

Zebra1275

I wasn't a hardcore AA person, but it did help me. Not so much the program itself, but the fellowship of the wonderful people I met.

It was a relief to find out I was not alone, and that many AA members had professional jobs and responsibilities, a marriage with children, and appeared to be successful in many aspects of live, except they all had significant problems with alcohol, just like me. Previously my highly inaccurate stereotype of an AA person more like an unemployed bum who lived under a bridge. My inaccurate negative perception of AA members probably kept me in alcoholic misery for a few added years.

least

I made amends to my kids by living the best sober life I could live. I have earned back their trust and will never do anything to lose it again.

I went to AA in the past, but not this time. I saw an addiction counselor once a week for the first five years or so of my sobriety, and was active here on SR.

I also walk a lot, mostly walking my little dog, but also just walking by myself sometimes. It helps a lot to keep my mood stable and helps a lot to sleep well at night.

someday147

Thanks for all the replies folks this is great and has been very helpful and useful

Dee74

like least I’ve tried a living amends approach mostly.
Doing good helps me deal with my past and redress the imbalance of those drinking years.

I’m also not in AA but I did spend the early part of my recovery wanting to make things right with various people. The results were mixed.

Some people didn’t want to hear it.
I’d told people I was sorry and I’d never do it again a bunch of times, so for some people it was the same old things again.

I think actions speak louder than words.

It may take a little time someday, but I hope you’ll come to terms with your past and hopefully people will see the very real change in you and that will help mend some fences

D

Lucinda2

Someday147, I am not in AA either. For me, the past is an unrelentingly bleak, and painful place. I can't fix those things that I have done, or sometimes more painfully, didn't do. How I deal with it now is by trying not to make the same mistakes. I try to do better now than I did then. Sometimes, my friends say to me that I function from a place of guilt and over-compensating. I chose to reframe this as functioning from a place of peace. I cannot fix the past but I can make sure that my actions going forward are ones that I can live peacefully with. When I can live peacefully with my actions that is generally better for others too.

BeABetterMan

FF, all that caffeine is not good for the stuff you’re dealing with man. I too love me some Pepsi Max but not at the expense of my sanity dude.

BeABetterMan

AA for me. Not because I have to, because I want to. They teach me how to live. The meetings I go to, drinking is typically not even the primary topic. I’m a beetle man today because of the program. But AA is just a part of it. I use SR, exercise, diet, medication, psychiatrist, and church. Takes a lot to keep this drunk sober and sane. But I’ve accepted my new way of life. It’s enriching.

DriGuy

What you are doing by avoiding the same mistakes sounds to me like an authentic amends. It's a change of behavior with no unnecessary apologetic confession. An apology is not often received well and is sometimes embarrassing for both parties. A change of behavior is almost always noted and is respectful of others.

Kehaulani

I've been to AA but that alone wasn't enough for me. It works wonders for some but I realized I had more issues then just drinking.
I'm now doing medically assisted recovery, on naltrexone for alcohol and sertraline for depression. I didn't think I was depressed but it helps me feel more even keel. I'm also in private therapy once a week, reading lot of recovery books, doing the Smart Recovery workbook.
It sounds like a lot but I can't afford to not be successful at a sober recovery this time.
My theory is as long as I stay sober I'll try anything available.

BarbieKen

Hi Someday,
I’ve been in AA since getting sober almost 9 years ago. I follow the Big Book & 12 Steps “instructions”. To me, and thousands before me, it’s a guide to life, not just getting that initial sobriety. I am currently with my Sponsor doing the Steps again, Covid lockdown here in California, has found me building up resentments like crazy!

So,in November of 2020 I started seeing a Therapist (TeleHealth) and in January of this year began my 12 Steps again. Yes, most definitely these are moving me in a more positive path. I’ll always be a work in progress. Though I haven’t had any alcohol in all these years, I’m still here … going through the ups & downs of living … ODAAT.

You get what you put in my friend. Best to ya …

💙📘🌌
Bobbi

Currently I am on Step 4. Covid is most definitely on my List. Right now writing on my hubby. Then my niece etc etc. My Sponsor is really great and getting me to focus.

silentrun

I joined more specific recovery sites for past trauma. Part of my abuse was being taught that was love. It screwed up everything around me. I was a good six months into recovery before I had the wherewithal to even realize I had been messed with. I'm sure it tried to surface in that ten years I drank but always got pushed down.