Holiday thread...
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Just tell them you've decided that fake wine is not a good idea. They will be okay with it...after they say something...whatever they say don't take it to heart. Don't over-react. Your sobriety is yours to manage. Other people will not understand so I just don't even get into conversations about it. When the fake wine comes out, "No, thanks." No discussion needed other than, "That was nice of you, but that's not something I'm interested in drinking."
It's uncomfortable at first, but that's okay.
It's uncomfortable at first, but that's okay.
At they end of the day, they don't need to deal with the consequences but I do. It's on me. Nobody else is talking from any frame of reference. Thanks Bim xx
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980
Hi Mizz....yes, it was lovely of them! It's funny, I feel more uncomfortable say no to that than the actual wine. I think it's because I'm worried it makes me seem really militant....it's just the way it has to be just now.
Not there yet. Still on the road. Got a text about the wine!
Hope you are good today??
Not there yet. Still on the road. Got a text about the wine!
Hope you are good today??
People give me all kinds of stuff and instead of drawing attention to myself I just graciously accept the gift, because I am grateful, and then I find a better home for it. We get sent fruit cake every year at Christmas. I honestly don't know anyone who likes fruit cake? So, we give our thanks and then find a way to use the fruit cake. One year we cut up the fruit cake and used it as batting practice in the street. The birds ate well that day!
I am doing good. I got out of my mental funk and am feeling more like myself. I took a mental detour on my road. It wasn't the best walk to be honest but I made it through. Today's mission is a run around the neighborhood and to read. Clean. Rest. Do the things. Lots of things to do. Where are you vacationing?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980
Yes, I think you are right. I'm just trusting people to understand but I'm also better at being more comfortable if they don't
At they end of the day, they don't need to deal with the consequences but I do. It's on me. Nobody else is talking from any frame of reference. Thanks Bim xx
At they end of the day, they don't need to deal with the consequences but I do. It's on me. Nobody else is talking from any frame of reference. Thanks Bim xx
Yeah, I thought everyone should be able to read my mind, too.
I also thought I could read theirs.
That caused me so much grief. I like it much better when I don't do that.Member
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Originally Posted by Mizz
I think its okay to accept the gift and then move on. You can feed it to the earth later! People give me all kinds of stuff and instead of drawing attention to myself I just graciously accept the gift, because I am grateful, and then I find a better home for it.
We get sent fruit cake every year at Christmas. I honestly don't know anyone who likes fruit cake? So, we give our thanks and then find a way to use the fruit cake. One year we cut up the fruit cake and used it as batting practice in the street. The birds ate well that day!
I am doing good. I got out of my mental funk and am feeling more like myself. I took a mental detour on my road. It wasn't the best walk to be honest but I made it through. Today's mission is a run around the neighborhood and to read. Clean. Rest. Do the things. Lots of things to do. Where are you vacationing?
People give me all kinds of stuff and instead of drawing attention to myself I just graciously accept the gift, because I am grateful, and then I find a better home for it.We get sent fruit cake every year at Christmas. I honestly don't know anyone who likes fruit cake? So, we give our thanks and then find a way to use the fruit cake. One year we cut up the fruit cake and used it as batting practice in the street. The birds ate well that day!
I am doing good. I got out of my mental funk and am feeling more like myself. I took a mental detour on my road. It wasn't the best walk to be honest but I made it through. Today's mission is a run around the neighborhood and to read. Clean. Rest. Do the things. Lots of things to do. Where are you vacationing?
We have it every year at Christmas. Fruit pudding too. It's bloody awful and full of booze...You are right, of course! Got a tendancy to over think things. I'm just nervous about the next couple of weeks.
I'm so glad you are feeling better and more like yourself Mizz xx
Going to Orkney Isles - right off the north coast of Scotland. It's beautiful and peaceful ❤️
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Yeah, I thought everyone should be able to read my mind, too.
I also thought I could read theirs.
That caused me so much grief. I like it much better when I don't do that.
I also thought I could read theirs.
That caused me so much grief. I like it much better when I don't do that.Mind reading is one of my many talents too. Along with black and white thinking, and assuming! Planning on replacing them with new talents!
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Well....very bumpy start.
Short story is the SO only thinks this will work if I tell him where and when it's okay for him to drink. It came up several times today, while travelling and I ended up getting really pissed off.
I ended up saying that he can do what he likes, so long as it's not around me and that I am just going to concentrate on staying sober. The boundaries are getting pushed all over the place and when I give in then he becomes confused about what is, and isn't, okay.
I just can't be responsible for it all. I caught myself it will be easier if I just drink, which has happened a lot. I'm not going to but it surfaced really quickly.
Now I just feel guilty and unreasonable. It must be confusing because what I really want is him to make good choices for our joint wellbeing. I feel bad saying No to him drinking but then my anxiety goes through the roof if I say Yes and have to cope with both the drinking, and the constant talking about drinking all the time....
Ughhh. Happy holidays!
Any thoughts that might help would be awesome. At least I'm posting, instead of drinking xx
Short story is the SO only thinks this will work if I tell him where and when it's okay for him to drink. It came up several times today, while travelling and I ended up getting really pissed off.
I ended up saying that he can do what he likes, so long as it's not around me and that I am just going to concentrate on staying sober. The boundaries are getting pushed all over the place and when I give in then he becomes confused about what is, and isn't, okay.
I just can't be responsible for it all. I caught myself it will be easier if I just drink, which has happened a lot. I'm not going to but it surfaced really quickly.
Now I just feel guilty and unreasonable. It must be confusing because what I really want is him to make good choices for our joint wellbeing. I feel bad saying No to him drinking but then my anxiety goes through the roof if I say Yes and have to cope with both the drinking, and the constant talking about drinking all the time....
Ughhh. Happy holidays!
Any thoughts that might help would be awesome. At least I'm posting, instead of drinking xx
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Gabe, trying to control his drinking will never work. You've tried to make rules around this for many months and it will never work.
Just have a plan for yourself what you will do if it becomes untenable FOR YOU.
You don't need to discuss it with him - at all.
Leave him to it - other than driving with you in the car when he's been drinking. That I would refuse to let happen.
Maybe you need your own hotel room while you're there. Maybe you'll need to take a bus home. I don't know - but you can't control him (or anyone.)
Just have a plan for yourself what you will do if it becomes untenable FOR YOU.
You don't need to discuss it with him - at all.
Leave him to it - other than driving with you in the car when he's been drinking. That I would refuse to let happen.
Maybe you need your own hotel room while you're there. Maybe you'll need to take a bus home. I don't know - but you can't control him (or anyone.)
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Gabe, trying to control his drinking will never work. You've tried to make rules around this for many months and it will never work.
Just have a plan for yourself what you will do if it becomes untenable FOR YOU.
You don't need to discuss it with him - at all.
Leave him to it - other than driving with you in the car when he's been drinking. That I would refuse to let happen.
Maybe you need your own hotel room while you're there. Maybe you'll need to take a bus home. I don't know - but you can't control him (or anyone.)
Just have a plan for yourself what you will do if it becomes untenable FOR YOU.
You don't need to discuss it with him - at all.
Leave him to it - other than driving with you in the car when he's been drinking. That I would refuse to let happen.
Maybe you need your own hotel room while you're there. Maybe you'll need to take a bus home. I don't know - but you can't control him (or anyone.)
I just don't see why I'm the one who has to accommodate all his patterns and behaviours. He said he wanted to help and support me but this whole thing has made everything more stressful.
I'm too tired to think. Off to bed and hopefully a clearer perspective tomorrow.
Thank you BIM xx
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I think Bim is right Gabe - it would be great if your hubby was on board with quitting drinking but he's obviously not.
I think you need to focus on yourself and your own journey... and work out how to make his drinking have as little effect on that journey as possible,
D
I think you need to focus on yourself and your own journey... and work out how to make his drinking have as little effect on that journey as possible,
D
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Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980
Well....very bumpy start.
Short story is the SO only thinks this will work if I tell him where and when it's okay for him to drink. It came up several times today, while travelling and I ended up getting really pissed off.
I ended up saying that he can do what he likes, so long as it's not around me and that I am just going to concentrate on staying sober. The boundaries are getting pushed all over the place and when I give in then he becomes confused about what is, and isn't, okay.
I just can't be responsible for it all. I caught myself it will be easier if I just drink, which has happened a lot. I'm not going to but it surfaced really quickly.
Now I just feel guilty and unreasonable. It must be confusing because what I really want is him to make good choices for our joint wellbeing. I feel bad saying No to him drinking but then my anxiety goes through the roof if I say Yes and have to cope with both the drinking, and the constant talking about drinking all the time....
Ughhh. Happy holidays!
Any thoughts that might help would be awesome. At least I'm posting, instead of drinking xx
Short story is the SO only thinks this will work if I tell him where and when it's okay for him to drink. It came up several times today, while travelling and I ended up getting really pissed off.
I ended up saying that he can do what he likes, so long as it's not around me and that I am just going to concentrate on staying sober. The boundaries are getting pushed all over the place and when I give in then he becomes confused about what is, and isn't, okay.
I just can't be responsible for it all. I caught myself it will be easier if I just drink, which has happened a lot. I'm not going to but it surfaced really quickly.
Now I just feel guilty and unreasonable. It must be confusing because what I really want is him to make good choices for our joint wellbeing. I feel bad saying No to him drinking but then my anxiety goes through the roof if I say Yes and have to cope with both the drinking, and the constant talking about drinking all the time....
Ughhh. Happy holidays!
Any thoughts that might help would be awesome. At least I'm posting, instead of drinking xx
sI always look for your threads, and just found this one. xxxxx
For me, it goes like this....you are not confusing him, he is confusing you.
Making you give him the when and wheres he can drink? Just no.
He needs to be about supporting you here rather than following his own agenda.....we made vows....at some stage surely these need to be taken seriously. I know that sounds a bit weird, but I feel like he could be a way better support to you.
And if not, c'est la vie and yes, you just need to look after you and do what is right for you. And you are.
And we are all 100% with you love. xx
❤️
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The only person you need to be concerned with is you, Gabe. How and when your husband drinks is on him. I know it is hard and I know you two talked about it but alcoholism is not something that can be controlled.
The only way I am able to stay comfortable when my spouse drinks is to stay in my own lane and do what is best for me. Only me. My spouses drinking is not my business. This mental/ emotional removal of myself has really helped me to stay comfortable and sane.
Here for you and thinking of you, Gabe, In fact, I awoke this morning and thought "I wonder how Gabe is doing?" Rooting for you from California!
The only way I am able to stay comfortable when my spouse drinks is to stay in my own lane and do what is best for me. Only me. My spouses drinking is not my business. This mental/ emotional removal of myself has really helped me to stay comfortable and sane.
Here for you and thinking of you, Gabe, In fact, I awoke this morning and thought "I wonder how Gabe is doing?" Rooting for you from California!
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Thanks very much everyone for your perspectives. It has been really helpful and got me thinking things through.
It is right that I can't expect to control his drinking and that I have been trying to come up with rules for a long time and they don't work.
I still think I deserve a bit of compromise, mindfulness and support but not all on my terms.
We're having a really good day today! I think yesterday was the product of a 12 hour day and stress, but the issues were real. We've come to a compromise that helps. No alcohol where we are staying but he can drink at his mum's (across the road) and stay there if he gets really drunk.
We are planning good things to do together, so hopefully it will work. We both apologised for yesterday. It feels better.
It is beautiful just to be here!
Thanks again xxx
It is right that I can't expect to control his drinking and that I have been trying to come up with rules for a long time and they don't work.
I still think I deserve a bit of compromise, mindfulness and support but not all on my terms.
We're having a really good day today! I think yesterday was the product of a 12 hour day and stress, but the issues were real. We've come to a compromise that helps. No alcohol where we are staying but he can drink at his mum's (across the road) and stay there if he gets really drunk.
We are planning good things to do together, so hopefully it will work. We both apologised for yesterday. It feels better.
It is beautiful just to be here!
Thanks again xxx
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
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Hi, Gabe. I'm glad you're getting through this, glad too that today is a really good day!
My two cents are to relish the beauty and try to 'lovingly detach' from distractions such as whether or when the mister decides to drink. I think you had plenty ideas of things to do with your husband that were not alcohol-centric. If you haven't already, maybe you can shore that up with ideas about things to do that aren't husband-centric. You know, to pull out of your hat just in case. What you deserve is to do whatever it takes in the moment to take care of yourself.
You're doing good.
O
My two cents are to relish the beauty and try to 'lovingly detach' from distractions such as whether or when the mister decides to drink. I think you had plenty ideas of things to do with your husband that were not alcohol-centric. If you haven't already, maybe you can shore that up with ideas about things to do that aren't husband-centric. You know, to pull out of your hat just in case. What you deserve is to do whatever it takes in the moment to take care of yourself.
You're doing good.
O
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