KingEric

I've been buying diet soft drinks to replace it to be fair and every time I feel I need to reach for a drink I have that.

As the days roll by (not many to others I know) I start to rationalise the whole quitting thing more in my head. I look at the bigger picture and I think of how people would react if they knew what I was drinking.

I also wonder if the people I've worked around were secretly picking up on it and keep a lid on it rather than calling me out on it. Just looking at my appearance in the mirror I'm amazed at the difference only six days has made, no red eyes, dark bags under the eyes are gone and I can actually see the shape of my face coming back from the puffy mess I was each morning. I recently applied for a new passport and took the picture for the passport early morning after a drink binge. You wouldn't even know it was me on the photo and I'm ashamed to even open it.

I'm not going to fall off this wagon now, I've seen the difference a few days can make, I'm now imagining a few months, a year. I'm going running later today, I'm hoping I see a difference in my performance levels but I won't be too down if I'm still struggling as I know Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will my fitness levels. One things for certain I will get myself back to my regular 10k runs and I will be happy with myself again.

Today is a positive day rather than a negative day.

DriGuy

"A hole in one's life" may be something like a semantic trick our mind uses to create a conflict. I don't know if I can explain this well, but suppose that hole is left over from something horrid like cancer, torture in a POW camp, or something similar. Yeah there's a metaphorical hole, but what's wrong with a hole when it's left over from the removal of metaphorical tumor?

There is nothing wrong with a hole. It can be just left there or filled with something other than the tumor that was removed. It doesn't even have to be filled with anything. I think the problem an alcoholic has with this metaphorical hole is that he wants to fill it back up with alcoholism. Such a hole seems like just another manifestation of our AV.

Before I quit, I remember worrying about what I would do with a life without any alcohol. But it was just one of those exaggerated worries one imagines. After I quit, I cherished that hole. I wanted to erect a monument next to it, so I could go visit it time and again and marvel over it as if it were a National Park.

KingEric

Another evening chalked off, that's seven nights now.

Still feels really unusual to be sober for this length of time, some people must think seven days that's nothing but to be it's been the longest period of my life since I was 20 years of age without a drink.

That's a scary thought that it.

fishkiller

The only folks who may think 7 days without drinking is no big deal are folks who don't drink like we do.
7 Days is huge

I went 30 plus years never reaching that mark but once. Well twice counting this last time.
But the 1st was over 20 years ago.

Before you know it the days will just blend together and you will realize it is all coming together.

Until then, Just Don't Drink, No Matter What

KingEric

Got to say today is the first day within that seven day window where my head hasn't had a mid afternoon meltdown. I'm literally sat here writing up this message before I leave work and I'm fully aware and comfortable that I won't be drinking tonight and that I don't need it to enjoy my evening.

That's another huge tick on my sheet. Now the weekend is the next hurdle as I know I will be placed into social situations where I will be need to be strong and just order a diet drink or soda and lime.

I also wonder whether it's best I inform people of what I'm doing whilst I've hidden this me from them in the past I feel it may be best to tell them I've quit drinking for health reasons so that they don't offer or push me into having a beer. You can't blame them because to them they don't know the issue that's be lying underneath me for so long.

advbike

A week is amazing! You are doing really well. At this point you are past the physical withdrawal and it becomes a mental game. Believe me when I say that you will have to be vigilant for a while now, for the AV (addictive voice) to tell you "a couple won't hurt". Do NOT listen to it! As we get further from the serious ill feelings the more that AV will talk to us - trying to convince us we really didn't have a problem. It won't be forever but for the next few months it will mess with you. There's a reason they talk about 90 meetings in 90 days in AA.

We often refer to the AV as if it were a person but it is actually just our primitive brain wanting the pleasure of the buzz, which we trained it to like. Just like sex or food, it sends signals that say we need something basic and our own brain turns that into a thought that we should get some of whatever we need. THIS is what we refer to as the AV talking to us. THIS is the thought that you need to immediately dismiss. And I even repeat "I don't drink" as a reinforcement. These thoughts will diminish pretty quickly, if you kick them to the curb. Do not debate with your AV - shut it down immediately!

Keep up the great work, and observations!

Mizz

Telling people you have quit drinking is a personal decision. There are some people who know that I quit drinking and some people who don't. Its not a topic of conversation in my life to be honest. If I am offered a drink I just say that I am driving or that I'll take some water. I think this is really about your comfort level and what you feel good about exposing.

Great work on the week! Keep moving forward. You got this.

fishkiller

If someone offers me a drink I say No Thanks.
You can tell them why if you want. If someone asks why not or pushes me to drink I will gladly tell them I don't drink anymore.
So far No Thanks has worked.

Of course whatever makes you feel comfortable is the right answer.
We are all different.

In the beginning I avoided most situations where alcohol was involved but last night I took my friend to a bar to watch a band after his Mothers funeral and there was zero urge to drink. I was offered drinks and a place to stay to sleep it off.
No Thanks.
I never was a bar person but never been in one and not had at least a few.
I had a good time. Well as good a time that could be had under the circumstances.
We got to talk some. Genuinely.
Not some drunken, slobbering, " I love you man! So sorry blah blah blah"

Those are the moments I stay sober for. These are the gifts of sobriety.

Today may be crap, actually it is a good day so far but for example, but I know there will come a day when I will need a clear focused mind and strong body. To be there for someone in a way I could never be as a drunk.
Drinking away today's crap or celebrating today's victory will rob me of all those Gifts.

Sobriety has filled so many holes in my life in just a year and a half. One day I will look back and where there were holes there will be a hill.
​​I ain't gonna stop until I am on top of that hill.

KingEric

Well guys I'm sorry to tell you I had a relapse over the weekend, Friday evening I went for a meal with family and resisted as I had driven our car there and it was a good excuse.

Unfortunately late Saturday afternoon I returned from my run and was relaxing, my wife left for the gym and I suddenly got the urge for a nice cold Vodka and diet coke. I hadn't told the wife but I'd left a bottle on top of the cupboard in the kitchen.

I promised myself it would be one but I drank that like I was drinking a drink to quench my thirst, then a second one went down and before my wife had returned I'd sank four glasses. She was annoyed, really annoyed with me but agreed to let me have a drink with the view to it being a reward for being so good for the week. Something that she now regrets because I ended up drinking on the Sunday evening as well.

I've not drank the last two nights and am not intending to drink this evening either, but what it's done has served a purpose. I'm not annoyed with myself one bit, in fact I'm glad I had the relapse as it reminded me how I feel the morning after and I don't want to go back to feeling like that again. I now haven't got any alcohol in my house, no reason to grab a drink anymore.

Hodd

Good to know 👍

Gutted to read this, Eric, but there’s some positives. Your wife’s reaction was a positive, although I’m sure you didn’t feel so positive at the time 🙂 The running has to be a good thing too. Try these gels or tablets you take with water to keep you hydrated. They taste awful, but keep thirst at bay.

It sounds like your wife doesn’t drink or rarely does so?

I think you’ll be OK.

KingEric

She's pretty much completely quit drinking unless she's in a social setting and even then she wouldn't drink if I was there as she'd feel bad.

She used to have a drink with me until it go out of control, we'd have some great nights and laughs but then it became apparent I was drinking for myself and not for the fun anymore. It isn't nice to wake up on the sofa and wonder why you are there whilst your wife is lay asleep in bed. Piecing it together as I left for work in the morning was a daily thing and I'd often get a message saying you are a complete ******** why do you always fall out with me.

One thing that's never happened is I've never done anything stupid like have a huge fight and broken stuff in my house. I think I'm lucky I've not to be fair as I think she'd have given up on me ages ago.

Anna

I'm sorry that you relapsed Eric. It doesn't work to reward yourself for not drinking, by having a drink. I'm glad you're back on track and planning to continue your sobriety.

doggonecarl

Be careful about putting too much of a positive spin on relapsing. It means you are still in the grip of your addiction. And while you feel no urge to drink now, what are you going to do when you get the urge? Drink and come here and tell us what a great lesson it was?

Perhaps come here first, before you drink, and we can support you through the urge.

lessgravity

King - I started reading this thread and I knew you were going to pick up before I read about your decision to drink this past weekend. I don't say that with anything other than understanding and empathy - like most, I have been exactly where you are. But what I saw in your posts was intense ambivalence. You express this driving desire to get sober while at the same time allow yourself to consider picking up. There was a flippancy in the way you described the possibility of drinking that I think you need to examine and reconfigure. It is that ambivalence that often marks the days of a late stage heavy drinker. I know it well - I would swing back and forth, grasping at sobriety, giving in again to the booze, over and over. Until I decided to quit for good.

I went back and read your posts back in May where you say that you have hit rock bottom. I am here to tell you that is not the case. Not yet. Instead you are in a rock slide and, depending on your decisions to keep drinking, there is a terrible pit of loss and regret and shame waiting for you.

You can step off the rock slide. All you have to do is accept fully and in your heart that you can never drink again and make a plan to protect that decision at all costs.

Hodd

It’s great news your wife doesn’t really drink, Erik. It’s a mammoth task for a drinker to quit when they’re partner is a drink too.

Reading between the lines, you’re being harsh on yourself. You’re trying to quit and making progress.