Mizz

From time to time I get a bit "OFF" and cant really say its for any particular reason. I get a bit ungrounded and feel disconnected from people. I have felt this way towards just about everything lately. It doesn't need a name.

I am aware of my past in regards to relapsing and knowing that it is around this time (9 to 10 month) sober that I start to get a bit weird. I have not had any thoughts of drinking. I do not drink anymore. I am staying true to myself and the structure I have daily. Prayer, reading, SR, exercise, tea, movies and series..... Projects.

I think I just wanted to acknowledge that I'm a bit off and am working towards being grounded again.
This too shall pass.

BeABetterMan

When I was in my teens and struggling with addiction I would achieve some sobriety and then my mom would sense something in me and say, “you’re setting yourself up to use again”. I thought she was crazy and never knew what she meant. I can’t remember well if her premonition was accurate or not, but as I get older and learn more about recovery, my own and other close to me, I intuitively know what she means.

It is hard to make clear what it means, but in general there is a shift in focus, priorities, centeredness, and grounding (like you said). So while our exact experience may be different, I too can sense when I’m straying from the path that has led me out of the hell I was in.

I think it’s important we recognize it and double our focus on living with purpose and serenity.

silentrun

Have you made it past ten months before? The nine month mark was huge for me. Ive seen other posters say the same thing. I went completely airborne. When I say "going sane feels exactly like you'd expect going insane to feel like" the nine month mark is what I'm referencing. I even took a whole bunch of online tests (I know) for things like schizophrenia, bi polar, depersonalization...all comeback "no". I finally had to trust myself that I didn't pick the exact time I tried to flee alcoholism as going insane.

I did what you are doing. I got support, was assured I wasn't loosing it, and worked through it. The lovely AlphaOmega on here really helped be survive it.

VERY good things were on the otherside of that feeling.

biminiblue

Nine months was absolutely my most major turning point. I didn't have the, "I want to drink," thing...nine months was when I woke up one morning and thought, "Wow, I've been feeling so good. SO GOOD." So for me it was a reinforcement that I wouldn't go back.

However.

There have been a few moments during stressful times in the past 7+ years sober when I thought, "Well, I don't think I can handle life. In general."

I didn't drink, and the thought passed.

How about taking a walk on a beach or in a park, barefoot? That is always a really good experience for me. The First Nations or Native people have a sacred belief in touching the earth with bare skin. I know in early sobriety I spent quite a bit of time doing that in various ways.

Mizz

BABM- Thank you. I am going to participate here a bit more and keep the focus. I talked with spouse about this "disconnect" and he says "you get like this from time to time. Hang on and keep going"

Silent- Yes, I have had this length of sobriety multiple times. It is around this time in sobriety that I get weird and then right before the 1 year mark I relapse. This time is a bit different because I do not want to drink and it is the farthest thing from my mind. Im just off and I need to "sound the alarm" so that I don't relapse. Relapse is not an option and it terrifies me. I would be devastated if I drank alcohol. I have worked SO SO SO hard to get here. I just need to work a bit harder now. I CAN DO THIS!
Thank you for your understanding. I guess I am "going sane" now. Hahaha!

BIM- I think you are right. I am going to go walk outside barefoot. We just might go to the ocean today. Its only 10 minutes away. For now....I have a yard that is calling for my feet to be on it! The sun is not shining. Its overcast. I miss the sun during July.
That is coastal weather for ya!

Anna

Mizz, I think acknowledging the way you're feeling at the moment is great. Being aware is half the battle. I love the idea of connecting with nature. I hope that helps you today.

nez

This way of thinking is so important to me and to my continued sobriety. I have come to fully accept that at times, I will be off...and it is okay...it is life. I will return to be being on, in time, as long as I don't run with the fact that I am off, at this particular moment. If I do run with it, I will run with it until the wheels come off. Ain't doing that any more! I just ease my foot off of the gas and relax until I am on again! When I do that, I am not only sober, I am in recovery!

SoberLeigh

Good for you, Mizz, for being so self-aware and for posting about it; I truly believe that you’ve got this.

Enjoy your barefoot walk - the sun, the sand, the water, the fresh air; you’ve got all the bases covered.

DriGuy

I don't think drinking will do anything to fix your experience, Mizz. But I can guarantee that drinking will get you drunk.

Mizz

That is very insightful, Driguy.

Thankfully I don't have any desires to drink or get drunk.

dustyfox

I can relate to your feeling Mizz about 'feeling off' and 'disconnected' from people, I often have felt this in my life and in the past it has made me want to drink alcohol. Actually the feeling off and disconnected is an interesting feeling that is probably alerting us to something that is troubling us. It often makes me want to be alone and I have used disappearing into a bottle to do it in the past - now I seem to gain some relief from walking on my own, just leaving my home and walking for an hour or two - with no aim other than to lose myself in my walking. Sending positive thoughts your way.

tornrealization

I’ve experienced those disconnects. I have, like you, learned to recognize them. I also know it will pass. I used to be impatient about it, but now I’ve held steady through some longer periods…and Yep, things seem to get back on track.
Thanks for sharing Mizz 😊

brighterday1234

It’s all about staying grounded, connected and spiritually fit in my experience. This is something that ebbs and flows and the trick is to (like you’ve done) have the insight to know when it’s lacking and to work at getting back on balance by sharing, and working your recovery program. Also acceptance that it’s a natural part of life to not always be at the pinnacle of connectedness.

Obladi

Hey, Mizz

I’m glad you’re giving credence to that part of you that’s feeling off. It’s not pleasant to feel or to say, but I think acknowledging and naming it is very powerful. Good on ya for facing it.

One thing that helped me tremendously was to change verb tense in regard to my previous patterns. Instead of saying what I do (as if it was a continuing trend), I now say what it was like.

You might want to give that a go. 🙂

I agree with your husband - hang tough. And congratulations on this milestone. 9 months is huge; a rebirth, no?

O

lessgravity

Mizz - I appreciate the post. The self-awareness that you exhibit is half the battle - the other half, as you know, is protecting and supporting the parts of your self that know what you must to do stay sober and to life the life you deserve.

As I express here often, I find that sobriety brings with it a whole new set of challenges for me. Much as you describe, I find myself drifting into old habits and states of mind that I know are injurious to my self, or at least where I know I will be challenged to keep my head above the waves of self-recrimination, self-doubt and harmful tendencies.

In those valleys of the soul I try to remember something that my road to sobriety taught me - the lessons in urge surfing. This too shall pass. And the same person I was yesterday, racked with self-doubt, in another bout of avoidance, giving in to my desires to hide from my obligations, will be the person today who is in the middle of the arena, facing my fears, acting in ways that preserve and embolden the best parts of that person. I know that you are the same way. Stay strong and stick around here. It's always so good to hear from you.

alphaomega

Hi MIzz

I know you dabble in the esoteric spiritual arts. I believe we have several "Dark Nights of the Soul" as we move through this life experience.
Most of mine while drinking bordered horrifying, and how I survived them is a tale yet to be told. But sober, things just dont feel quite as scary.

I might suggest sitting with it. Allowing it to come up and out for healing, or maybe even just for acknowledgment.
Whatever needs a voice, is begging for your attention.

Let her speak....

XO AO

PS- Luv u SR

Gabe1980

I tend to get this about month three and I have fallen down so many times. I am ready for it this time.

It always felt to me that I turned into a different person, that my thinking changed and I had less defenses. I think a lot of that is just my addiction trying to strip me of resilience.

I have do doubt you will work your way through all of these challenges Mizz and I am grateful that you posted. You voicing them and working through them helps the rest of us in acknowledging and preparing for similar times xx

biminiblue

How's it going today, Ms Mizz?

Mizz

BB!
Today has a solid start. I awoke this morning determined. The one thing I notice that may be affecting me is that I have not been studying as much on my spiritual path. I've recommitted myself to a few pages a day along with morning and evening prayer. Study is important. I've been slacking lately. I've known it. I acknowledge it. I'm getting back to it.

I walked in my yard yesterday barefoot. Took it all in. Observed the flowers. Rested. No chance of drinking or going back to a self created hell. Just forward. Only forward. Thank you for that suggestion. It is helpful to connect with the Earth.

Weights and a solid run this am.

Thank you for checking in. I hope you are doing well. Truly. I got get over to the Bus and check in.

biminiblue

I check in on the Spirituality sub-forum here every day. "Earth Prayers" is good, I also check in to "Elder's Meditation." Excellent grounding.

I'm happy to hear you are moving back to your spirituality. It's not really possible to leave it alone, it will become needy and discomfort will make itself known! I just try to connect as much as I can.

Blessings.