alphaomega

But I'm starting to worry I might.

I was a mess last night. Work triggered some serious abandonment issues and I chose to navigate them sober.
But I'd be bald face lying if I didnt say I really wanted out of my head and barely managed to scrape by without falling.

I was bothered that drinking became a viable option a few times last night. My resolve had been so strong over the last 50 days. Intrusive thoughts and mental gymnastics regarding the lie of moderation had my head spinning.

I guess thats what I always did, so it makes sense that I defaulted to that headspace.

Must remain vigilant against that AV.

It's knockin....

biminiblue

Really a common and normal part of early recovery, AO.

You made it past it without drinking - but yeah, it can be a real battle at times when emotions are triggered.

Like Dee says, it doesn't have to be graceful. Hang on, you're doing really really well and you can do this.

doggonecarl

Since you don't drink anymore, you'll have to find other ways to deal with your current issues. Or just ride it out. That's what sober people do. We aren't immune to life being a mess. We just don't drink over it.

Stay strong!

advbike

Sorry to hear AO, but glad you could be so self-aware about the triggers, and held up. Great job!

Do you get enough exercise? It's huge for me in reducing my perturbations.

silentrun

Something that saved me from a certain relapse once was posting on here. I think you even participated on that thread. I promised myself that I ever wanted to drink again I had to own up to it and tell everyone on SR I intended to drink.

The AV came at me and convinced me. I posted but I knew my reasons were BS so I ended up confessing and not drinking. The AV learned pretty quickly what happens when it convinces me I should drink.

That crawling out of your skin feeling and seeking just a moment of relief is why this is so hard. Having a plan in place for that is crucial.

alphaomega

I dont understand why my default when I get triggered to dark places is "Go ahead and poison yourself, you deserve it".
That is some messed up perspective.

I know how this ends, yet I still flirt with it as if its got a trapdoor to nirvana I haven't managed to find yet and I just have to navigate around that pesky toxicity to discover.

WTAF guys.

saoutchik

Congratulations on 50 days alphaomega, that's excellent. It will get easier to resist and soon so don't throw all that good work away.

Anna

50 days of sobriety is great, AO.

Believing that you are worth fighting for and you are worth taking care of yourself is so important. And, you're doing it. Of course, it's a work in progress, but you're doing it.

novips

Consider the possibility that you actually can't stay sober without the right solution. "Powerlessness" is not a metaphor. For me, I could not stay sober till I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

SoberLeigh

Yeah, that AV rears it’s ugly head when we are feeling vulnerable; it craves opportunities.

Glad that you didn’t cave to it, AO; each time you wound it, you become stronger.

Congrats on 50 days.

Scd619x

Well done for getting through, i had to put in place some serious anti-relapse techniques in my recovery as i fell hard in my first after a few years. This time round moderation was smashed as i had turned into a daily drinker and no longer was there any belief at all that i might be able to just have a few, because I did not want to just have a few...why would I?

You are still very early in your recovery and will have to put in some kind of growth plan at some point, maybe soon maybe later as long as you don't drink though. Do you want to tackel the abandonment issues at some point, thought about counselling or the like? You can't have that coming up for the next few decades and comfortably sail through sobriety. BUT when you are ready, 50+ is amazing.

silentrun

I don't think that's strange. Its always been your default. That doesn't change just because your trying to break free. It's how you react to it that is changing first. Enough time goes by and you get your legs under you and it will cease to be the default.

Pretty typical addict thought process. Nothing about that leads me to believe you won't get free.

Dee74

Hey AO

Like Bim says thinking about drinking is common - especially in the early days - but it's not the thought ...its what we do with it.

It would be great if we got sober and never had to deal with those thoughts again... but of course that's not the way it goes - and that's why it's hard.

I really believe there will be a day, quite soon, when you'll face something and look back and realise drinking was not your first impulse

Hang in there - I think you're doing great

D

alphaomega

Something that gives me so much hope when these intrusive sidelining thoughts come in is a famous Dee-ism

"This is not as good as it gets".

I was fortunate that I really didnt have any cravings until now. I suppose it was primarily because I felt so gash dang horrifying in those first few weeks.
I'm gonna chalk that one up as a blessing and divine intervention because it kept me out of the head loop.

Now I have to start building the sober muscles, as life is having its way with me at the present, and momma no likey

But, even with the storms I am facing right now, every sober morning feels like Christmas morning....

dustyfox

You are doing brilliantly!! you are strong and you will be in control. Treat yourself to something else today/tonight - film/tv series/cake/cold lemonade/book/music/ice cream - you are doing an amazing job!

Mizz

I understand this completely. Default thinking. I go there now and again and have to work through it. Not in regards to drinking but in regards to a habitual mental place that no longer serves a purpose. Im halfway down the rabbit hole......I dont think I will go all the way down there. Its not a happy place.

Congratulations on making it through. That is powerful stuff. You did the work! When this comes up next time it may have less of a hold on you. I am glad you shared here and please keep sharing. You are making progress and you are showing us how to do it as well. Keep on moving forward!

D122y

The crave passes and then I feel amazing.

I know I am forever going to have those feelings and I defeat them with analysis.

So many ways to get through the desire to drink.

I am a non drinker that was tricked by my surroundings and got addicted.

We all here are non drinkers otherwise we wouldn't be here.

It takes years to normalize and the crave will still lurk.

It is no mystery. It is science.

I hit the gym, fiddle with something, do some house work. Basically, just live a normal non drinking life. Stay busy.

Letting the mind run rampant is the suffering. Focused intent to keep the thoughts serene begets serenity.

So many good things to focus on.

I have been practicing intermittent fasting for a couple of years and once my body hits about 15 hours with no food amazing things happen.

Thanks.

brighterday1234

Did moderation exist for you? It never did and never would for me so I don’t even entertain it. Moderation won’t give you the oblivion that gets rid temporarily of uncomfortable emotions. In my experience working through them sober, though very painful, leads to real emotional, mental and spiritual growth. Drinking never solves anything and that’s why we’re all here 🙏

Eddiebuckle

Never forget your last drink or chances are you haven't had it yet.

fini

ao, the need to get out of one’s head.
yes.
this is the reason it can be so helpful to get into someone else’s. not really, of course:-)
but to go and help someone else instead of staying looking inward.