Lately all I want to do is relapse
 

I have 2.5 year sober, I know that alcohol is a dangerous and destructive path for me, and yet I am romanticizing it. I want to be drunk just for a couple of hours, to turn my brain off, to stop being responsible, to let go, to stop caring. I have a wonderful sober life, and yet, all I want to do is get drunk off wine.

Good of you to post of your struggle before you drink rather than after. Read around. You won't find a post that says, "Yeah, a couple of hours of drunk was worth it." No, the day one posts after a relapse are misery and suffering and guilt and regret.

Stay strong.

I think often we reimagine booze fondly as this great escape when it's really not.
Whatever our problems are, we have to find other ways to deal with them.

what do you think is contributing to you wanting to escape right now?

D

I relapsed at 3+ years. I didn't post first, in fact I had gotten away from SR and become complacent.

Stressful events will always come. Or thoughts from the AV. So best to keep at a program of some sort.

Reading and posting helps - we feel good in helping others, and it serves as a reminder and reinforces our sobriety.

Exercise is my number 2 tool - I bike 6- 8 hours a week and it dumps all the stress.

It would end badly, SkyBird. If I tried that it would never be a couple hours. I'd be off on a binge - maybe weeks, possibly months or years.
Last time I tried an experiment of that sort it was 7 yrs. of hell to get back to sobriety. I wish I was kidding.
It couldn't possibly be worth it. Glad you posted.

I see it this way, I've been sober now for over 11 and a half years and never once have I woken up and wished I had drank the night before. Don't drink. It's not worth it and it'll make you feel bad.

You can do all of that and more by getting drunk off wine... but why? What is so horrible about the brain working, being responsible, and caring that makes you want to escape them?

I worked damn hard to become all of those things (as I well imagine you did also). Those things are rewards, not something to escape.

Real life can be work at times, but at the end my drinking was hell all the time, 24/7. The so called "fun times" were long gone, never to return, any more than I can become a care free 5 year old once again. Ain't gonna happen.

I have never regretted not drinking. I have regretted drinking lots.

Play back the tape. You know what’ll happen if you give in.

Your AV is out of control, but your rational mind is still in charge. You know that because you posted here before taking a drink.

Do you have any other outlets you can use to reset? Working out, a hobby, a good meal, a new book or show?

I just hit 2.5 years as well. I don’t want to roll the dice with any drinking. Maybe tonight go to bed early. It’s ok to feel frustrated or overwhelmed and just work through those feelings. Think about how far you’ve come. Exercise is a good idea or a movie. Maybe a package of cookies. Play that tape. Read some some more on the boards to remind yourself how hard early days are…how easy you can end up back there. You got this! You can get through this crave.

Sometimes a milestone can be a trigger of its own. It will fade.

I relapsed a month and a half ago and it was a major mistake. I spent 20 days in hell. I was so hungover in the mornings I could barely muster the strength to take a shower. At night I had withdrawals was shaking so bad I could barely press a bottle against my lips. I had no appetite whatsoever and couldn't eat anything without throwing up. Eventually I wound up in the hospital. Hadn't had a drop since I got out, managed to pull myself out of the tailspin. 39 days sober and counting right now.

Reading your post was a bit of a trigger for me.

But, I am a non drinker. I hate the stuff. It is poison. It is a highly addictive, brain damaging, toxin.

Thanks.

I certainly still have occasional thoughts that it would be exciting/fun to go try out a new beer at my local brewpub, or that yes indeed i could certainly just go have a few beers with the guys after work, etc. Having said that I also sometimes have crazy thoughts like it might be a good idea to go just tell my boss how I really feel and walk out the door after a bad day too ;-)

Bottom line, life is hard and it's probably just human nature to want a break from it all somehow. Problem for us though is that we can't have our cake and eat it too. And I'm not sure about you SkyBird, but the fallout from getting drunk even just once would be colossal compared to the few fleeting moments of drunkenness. Like others have said...play the tape through and it's a great idea you had by coming here and sharing by the way.

You're romanticising it for sure....being wine drunk (and wine hungover), is horrendous.
you aren't missing out on anything.
sober is the way to be.

If you're an alcoholic, thinking that drinking will relax you is like thinking you can put out a fire with gasoline. You've done a great job on TWO AND A HALF YEARS OF SOBRIETY!!!! That's wonderful!!!!

A daily meditaton practice has helped me to get a lot of insight into my own behaviour, why I do what I do, why I care too much and so forth. I don't fee like I need to switch off from those things any more, because my insight has helped me change my thoughts and behaviours. Maybe it could help you, too? It's worth a try. Let me know if you want some resources.

I am only just over a year but I agree. Not once.

I’ve never thought of it this way before. So true.

I am really glad you came here and posted! 2.5 years is a substantial amount of sober time, what have you been doing to help you stay sober, what has been working? Can you think of something that may be missing lately that you need to add back into your recovery plan?

It is funny how we can romanticize wine. I was also a wine drinker, a d would envision how nice it would be to be sitting with a nice cold glass of white wine overlooking some lake, or the ocean, however the reality was I was pouring myself one too many glass of whatever large bottle of wine I had in my fridge and was drinking it alone on my couch when the kids went to s,eep, and occasionally the first glass when they were awake. Then The bargaining with myself would occur, “I can just have one more…” Well, there really isn’t much left in this bottle I may as well finish it,” then I would climb into bed and sleep miserably, and wake up feeling even more miserable, and need to function through the day. I can guarantee there was nothing romantic about how I looked stumbling to my room for bed, or when my alarm went off the next day.,

Mindfulness, going for walks in nature, journaling, gratitude, yoga, reading, reading and posting here these are all things that help me when I am stressed, or just want to let the day go.

You can do this! Keep working toward year three!

Thank you for posting - I have found all the replies here really helpful.

All I can say is that I have been trying to get sober for four years now and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I imagine that it was extremely hard for you too and so have done so well. Remember that a few glasses of wine could really lead anywhere and I'm thinking that it is just not worth taking that chance and the chance that your whole world will be turned upside down.

Stay strong and work through it. Sending love and support x

Hi Sky, Congrats on 2.5 years…I know for me at only six months I’d be devastated after I had a single night of shutting down and getting high for a few hours….At this point it’s crossed my mind a few times over the last couple months…especially after feeling good on some days.

But playing it out in my mind, I saw how miserable and regretful I’d feel during the withdrawals and the paws symptoms that would re-haunt me thereafter….no thanks. Didn’t seem worth it.

Stay strong, and don’t let AV lie to you on this one…take care and thanks for posting first.

:grouphug:

There was always one more attempt and one more failure.
...then we wake up to face the hideous four horsmen, Terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair