BeABetterMan

I was in an AA meeting tonight and a speaker was talking about his relationships with his father and step-father. He mostly had fond memories. And I don't think about it a lot, but I really missed out not having a father around since I was 8. I spend A LOT of time with my son. I try to teach him things, give him my time, show him what's right/wrong (though he has a much better moral compass than I ever had or do have), and because of my character defects I often show him what not to do. I later reconnected with my father when I was an adult, but even then we did a lot of drinking together. We were two very different men. He was truly a man of few words, me not so much. I later lost my father when I was 30 and he was 64. Both of my grandfathers and my father all died in their 60s from drinking/smoking. And it is such a shame. No one showed me how to throw a ball, or change oil, or fix anything. I taught myself and did pretty well. No one showed me how to treat a woman or a child, I taught myself and didn't do so well. My dad was a kind man, but he simply was not there. Add up the absent father, alcoholic mom and me starting drinking and using heavily around the age of 14 it is no surprise that I turned out kind of messed up. All of my conceptions, behaviors and predictably the results are really skewed. After dropping out of high school and getting hooked on powdered drugs I somehow managed to return to school and even go to college where I excelled. I've (remarkably) had a prosperous career, but outside of that and my kids (and my dumb animals), I'm pretty hollow. I have a lot of work to do. But jobs number one and two are to stay sober and to be a present and good father to my three wonderful kids.

I didn't know who else to share this with, so I put it here.

Dee74

I'm glad that you're breaking the chain and passing on a positive role model to your children BABM.
I hope one day the hollowness you speak of will no longer be there.

D

Runswithspoons

I think being aware of and having the honesty and insight to express your (supposed) weaknesses shows great courage, BABM. I suspect that the qualities that you admire in your son are no accident.

advbike

That is my story too BABM.. absent father almost my entire life, but especially after age 6, when we moved back to the States after my sister was killed in a plane crash. He worked overseas as an accomplished civil engineer his whole life, and was not around to teach me or my younger brother anything about how to be men in the world. Well he did come home about once a year, stayed in his favorite hotel in San Francisco, drank heavily, and told amazing stories about his overseas exploits.. then was gone again. He and mom got divorced when I was 10, and he basically lived the life of an adventurer. I see now that he was being true to himself so have forgiven him for not being there, but it didn't make it any easier. I was anxious mess when I graduated high school and didn't complete my BS until 10 years later, masters took another decade.

One year he did take us camping, an experience I will never forget (nor did he, lol). It was such a fun experience for us (aggravating for him). Mostly I learned more from the other kid's dads, thank God for those good men. Mom wasn't alcoholic but was very religious (almost as bad, lol) and our house was always chaotic. Well, single working mom, I get it now. Much of our social life happened at the church - boy scouts, potlucks, choir (ugh). In later years I visited my dad a few times and would drink beer with him too until I quit. He was a kind man too, not violent, and died in a detox in Oregon at 69. I was 36, and regret I did not make it back in time to be with him. He actually had the narcissism to be angry with me for marrying a woman who couldn't have children, of all things.

I have had a long string of dysfunctional and codependent relationships but like you, put together a pretty good career. It's the relationships that always suffered over the years, whether I was drinking or not, and though married, never had kids of my own. I guess that's what happens when you're lacking of role models. My current girlfriend, whom I met when I was traveling after almost a year sober, is a single mom, lives overseas (see a pattern?), and while the relationship has had it's issues I do I love her two boys, one hers, one more recently adopted when her brother died. I have taught them to read and swim, put them in good schools, helped them with homework, taken them on adventures, and mostly tried to model how to treat their mom and other people with respect. They are teenagers now and so respectful and cool to hangout with. It's been really rewarding for me.

I guess we make do with the tools we have brother, stay sober - it really helps.

BeABetterMan

Thanks so much for sharing that Advbike. 🙏

advbike

I wanted to add, because I got busy telling my own story and didn't make it clear. I think you're a great dad, BABM. To your son of course, but also to your daughters, even the teenager, who doesn't make it easy. You still do it right. Great job man. That's what it's all about.

Scd619x

Thanks for sharing, keep staying strong and sharing. As a twist on what you shared I wish my father had died or left when I was 8, life would have been so much better for us all. My mother is a total **** but he was worse! He didn't show us a thing other than how to feel like crap about ourselves.

Mizz

I can relate to the absent parental units. There was a lot of pain there for many years that I was processing. I'm not sure when I got the acceptance road but I did manage to get there. Countless therapy sessions and ill fitting diagnosis lead me to a place of knowing that there is nothing that I or anyone can do with all of that trauma, abuse, mental neglect, mental and emotional abuse so on and so forth. Its like I just got tired of thinking about it and exhausted from feeling the abandonment. I made a decision when I was very young that I would never have children. I stayed true to that. Its been hard enough for me to raise myself let alone try to raise a human being.

With all that you shared BABM, it is true that you are a great father. We are not perfect and there are always going to be moments when we question. You are present for your children and willing to work through whatever comes your way. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are doing your best. That is all we can do. Keep on keeping on!

Jillian2563

I too grew up without a father. My mom was the mistress and got pregnant with me. My father sent Jehovah Witness pamphlets a few time to me but that was it. Met him once at dinner with my mom so they could talk about child support. He did pay until I was 18 but I never talked or saw him ever. I tried to contact him in 2004 when my oldest was born and he sent me a letter saying he didn’t have time for me, basically. I found my half sister on FB and talked to her online but that went no where as well. It was heartbreaking and I don’t know why. And I think one of the reasons I drink (his absence and rejection)

advbike

So sorry to hear that Jillian. Some men are really selfish, but glad he paid the child support. It certainly isn't enough though.

silentrun

I read something once that said often abused children will heal themselves by trying to be the parent they wished they had. That was certainly true for me. I didn't know what unconditional love meant until I became a mother.

The more you fulfill your desire to give your children what you never got the more you will heal.

silentrun

I was just talking about this today. My JW mother shunned me a full 27 years after I left the group. I told the person it was so painful but turned out for the best because I was finally out of her orbit.

He only would have damaged you.

lessgravity

Thank you for the share BABM. I lost my father not too long ago and miss him every single day. He was a flawed but wonderful man and father, like most of us. He also had problems with the bottle and got sober and stayed sober. He did so a little later in life than I have. I don't have regrets about our relationship but that doesn't mean that I don't wish he was still here for me to make proud, talk to, see my children grow.

I am not all that proud of the drinking I did early in my son's life. He's older now and I have two young daughters. Acceptance, work, self-forgiveness, work, presence, patience - we have a chance to be a father to our children in a way that we wanted and they deserve. Sobriety is the only way.