Evoo

Last night after another late-night feed with my 6-week old son (we have another kiddo now ) I was thinking a lot about my past drinking. I drifted off into a kind of semi-awake lucid dream. In my mind's eye, I could see the former me - bloated, drinking whiskey night after night, covered in an inflammatory skin rash, heart palpitations, anxiety, withdrawals, tingling nerve issues in my hands and fingers, an ever-present dull pain in my upper-right quadrant that radiated to my back, a sunk/exhausted look in my eyes from nightly drinking...

Whenever I've looked back on on this person before, I've recoiled in disgust. It's hard to describe it, other than pure hatred. It's how I moved on at first.

Typically I might call "that person" horrible names in my head, alongside this overwhelming shame and guilt for how much time "he" wasted being an addict, for all the decisions he made to drink night after night.

But last night, somehow, I pictured myself standing in my old, lonely living room -- long before I started a family and retook my life from the workaholic/alcoholic. Instead of screaming at him, telling him to get up and quit drinking (or punching him in the face, as I've done in many times in my head) I took his sunken face in my hands and pulled him in, gave him a hug. Gave me a hug. The old me started sobbing. I showed him that I could run my hand along my arms without tingling hands -- the nerves were healed, that I was down to a healthy weight and fit, that I no longer had paralyzing health anxiety or constant headaches, that I was finally getting proper treatment for undiagnosed auto-immune conditions, that my liver function and bloodwork was 100-percent normal, that I had rebuilt my credit and finances and advanced my career, that I was enrolled part-time in grad-school and pursuing my work and hobbies better than ever before... that I was sober and happy.

Weird dream, yes, but it's the first time I can ever remember feeling any semblance for empathy for my addicted self. Maybe it's time to forgive myself and see just how dark and horrible that cycle really was, how lonely and scared I felt all the time -- how lost "that person" was.

That person was me. And that's OK. That person can be proud of me now.

Erratic

omg evoo what a read x i needed it this afternoon x

Sober369

That is so inspiring, thanks. I hope to get there very soon.

TroubleAfoot

Thank you for sharing this moving revelation. I sure hope I can get there too. At 74 days things are slowly getting better, physically, but mentally it has been a real struggle. At age 51 I have lost the best years of my life. I do remain committed, though, and I keep pushing onwards.

silentrun

Beautiful

nez

Awesome share Evoo, thanks!!! Compassion, empathy, and forgiveness are the gifts of recovery that allow us to finally cut the shackles of the past and to walk free. Sometimes it is hard to explain or describe, but your post did an eloquent job of accomplishing just that. I am going to put your experience in my mental file system.

novips

Thanks for sharing that. Made me think of the following promise from the Big Book:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

This then led me to think of the following quote from the Doctor's Opinion:

strange as this may seem to those who do not understand--once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules

If we keep following the right rules, then we'll get to keep participating in this promised recovery.

Anna

Evoo, that is a great post. It's hard to forgive ourselves, but I think it's a big step towards healing.

Robbie64

Evoo, that is a wonderful and inspiring post.

DriGuy

Thanks for the reminder. I temporarily forgot about how I used to wake up with my heart pounding. Not because of a dream, as far as I know. I would just wake up and wonder why would this happen when I am at rest? It stopped doing that when I quit, and never happened again. It didn't kill me, but it can't be good for your heart. Can it?

Dee74

Great post and perspective Evoo - thanks

D

Sammy1980

Great post! I believe that is the beginning of recovery. I did the same, I sat down and told my body I was sorry for treating it so badly and that I would be nice from now on. I have been sober for about 1.5 years now. Good Luck to you.

Evoo

Anytime I was coming off a bender it felt like my heart was beating through my chest. Extremely uncomfortable and anxiety producing. There was no relief from it — the withdrawals are a big part of why I kept drinking.

it makes sense. Alcohol can damage every major organ in the human body. I imagine many of the symptoms we experienced are just the body reacting to a near-constant presence of poison.

lessgravity

Thank you. As others have said this was beautiful.

I can relate in every way. During my early sobriety stage I read a book called 12 Rules to Life by Jordan Peterson. One of the chapters was titled something like "Treat Yourself Like Someone You are Responsible for Helping" - a mode of thinking that is related to your mental shift. It was a revelation to me then and is something I need to continue to remind myself of even in later sobriety.

Great post. Thank you for the thoughts and reminder.

Evoo

What's funny is my wife is a therapist and has mentioned that before when she talks about her work, but it never "clicked" for me personally until now. All I could see in past me is a person I hated and wanted to forget. That may have served me at the start of my recovery, but not for long-term healing and growth. I'lll need to check out that book, thanks for the recommendation.

Sober45

Thank you for this amazing post. It brought me to tears because I can relate to it so much. We have so much to be grateful for in sobriety.

brighterday1234

Great post 🙏
Alcoholics are sick people and I was very ill but I too view my former self with compassion and understanding. I knew no better until I did know better once I got into recovery and began to heal.

MissOverIt

Beautiful. Thank you.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I greatly dislike the person I was when I was drinking.
Both my self-induced poor health and my actions while under the influence.

Life is so much better in recovery.

Evoo

Yeah, I used to scoff at the notion that alcoholic people were "sick" or that it was a "disease." The concept made me angry. I'd always think back on the South Park episode that roasts sobriety and promotes moderation management as true freedom from addiction.

But that's a cartoon. In real life, I was a very sick person and alcohol was warping my sense of self and keeping me trapped in illness and pain.

It's amazing how much your perspective can shift on things once you actually start living your life free from addiction.