Getting to the End of My Rope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 7
Getting to the End of My Rope
Dear Friends,
No, I'm not at all feeling self-destructive. I have been fantasizing about moving out, filing for separation, filing for divorce, or something along this continuum.
I'm just so tired of all the verbal abuse. I'm tired of getting blamed for everything, including my husband's drinking. He was sober when I met him, a very upright
Pentecostal preacher. He had left his wife because of her infidelity. He and I have been married almost twenty-eight years.
With time he became a drinker. Now it's daily and it's ugly. He does not get physically abusive but he says terrible things to me. He tells me I'm a terrible wife. He blames
my family for turning him into a drinker. Every afternoon his personality goes from decent to snarky or self-pitying. It seems like he drinks earlier and earlier each day. I finally
told him I couldn't promise I'd stay married if he continued to get falling-down drunk, especially around my family. He vowed to get rid of the vodka. I'm the one who took it away. He's still
drinking wine every day. He blames his son (!) for encouraging him to drink so much. He blames my mother and sister, brother-in-law, cousins, and uncles, all of whom drink
quite a bit at family gatherings. I know this is classic alcoholic behavior. He's unhappy because his adult children don't call him, he has health problems, and his ministry has dried up. He can't function sexually now, either because of depression, medication, health problems, or a combination. I don't miss the sex.
I'm not miserable any more...I'm numb, without feeling. My mom and sister can see it in me...I've lost my joy. My stepkids and daughter are all grown now. They range in age from 23 to 41,
I'm 61 and my husband is 67. His vocabulary has grown to include some very nasty names he has called me.
Every day I wake up hopeful that the new day will be different, but by the end of the day it's the same. My husband doesn't really want to stop drinking, doesn't want to go into treatment,
and doesn't want to get help for our marriage.
I'm exhausted, spent, tired, almost hopeless. I pray for him and try to help him, but I'm out of ideas and energy. I found this forum when I googled, "How to survive being married to a miserable, narcissistic alcoholic."
So there I am, thanks for listening.
Much love to everyone out there and may you all find health and healing in your particular situation.
Blessings, MauraVerySad
(Maura is my middle name)
No, I'm not at all feeling self-destructive. I have been fantasizing about moving out, filing for separation, filing for divorce, or something along this continuum.
I'm just so tired of all the verbal abuse. I'm tired of getting blamed for everything, including my husband's drinking. He was sober when I met him, a very upright
Pentecostal preacher. He had left his wife because of her infidelity. He and I have been married almost twenty-eight years.
With time he became a drinker. Now it's daily and it's ugly. He does not get physically abusive but he says terrible things to me. He tells me I'm a terrible wife. He blames
my family for turning him into a drinker. Every afternoon his personality goes from decent to snarky or self-pitying. It seems like he drinks earlier and earlier each day. I finally
told him I couldn't promise I'd stay married if he continued to get falling-down drunk, especially around my family. He vowed to get rid of the vodka. I'm the one who took it away. He's still
drinking wine every day. He blames his son (!) for encouraging him to drink so much. He blames my mother and sister, brother-in-law, cousins, and uncles, all of whom drink
quite a bit at family gatherings. I know this is classic alcoholic behavior. He's unhappy because his adult children don't call him, he has health problems, and his ministry has dried up. He can't function sexually now, either because of depression, medication, health problems, or a combination. I don't miss the sex.
I'm not miserable any more...I'm numb, without feeling. My mom and sister can see it in me...I've lost my joy. My stepkids and daughter are all grown now. They range in age from 23 to 41,
I'm 61 and my husband is 67. His vocabulary has grown to include some very nasty names he has called me.
Every day I wake up hopeful that the new day will be different, but by the end of the day it's the same. My husband doesn't really want to stop drinking, doesn't want to go into treatment,
and doesn't want to get help for our marriage.
I'm exhausted, spent, tired, almost hopeless. I pray for him and try to help him, but I'm out of ideas and energy. I found this forum when I googled, "How to survive being married to a miserable, narcissistic alcoholic."
So there I am, thanks for listening.
Much love to everyone out there and may you all find health and healing in your particular situation.
Blessings, MauraVerySad
(Maura is my middle name)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 260
So sad to read this Maura. There are far wiser and more experienced posters than me here, so I won't pre-empt their advice, but one thing I will say -- and sorry to be the bearer of bad news but -- he has to *want* to give it up. If he deep down doesn't want to make that change in his life, then nothing you can do or say will make a jot of difference.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 2,229
Hey Maura, and welcome to SR. My heart goes out to you. You probably will get better answers on the family members thread. The people on this thread are the alcoholics trying to recover (most of us doing a great job of it).
I was married to an alcoholic, and yes, he was miserable and narcissistic and mean. But, I left his sorry self back in 93 and I am glad I did, even though we went through hell, my kids and I. We were going through hell with him, and without him we had hope of getting out of the mess.
But, that said, I sure don't know what you should do. Alanon, I've heard, is wonderful. I'm sure the family group here is great, too.
I'm praying for you and for him.
Hugs to you.
I was married to an alcoholic, and yes, he was miserable and narcissistic and mean. But, I left his sorry self back in 93 and I am glad I did, even though we went through hell, my kids and I. We were going through hell with him, and without him we had hope of getting out of the mess.
But, that said, I sure don't know what you should do. Alanon, I've heard, is wonderful. I'm sure the family group here is great, too.
I'm praying for you and for him.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
It sounds like packing your bags and moving on is a solution. Alcoholics only get help when they realize and know they need help. There really is no way to lead an alcoholic to recovery. I am sorry to hear of your home life. It does not sound like a place where there is health and happiness. You have the power to change your life and to live your life free of abuse. There are choices. There are options. Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
Welcome Maura 
Maybe time to start considering turning your fantasy into reality if he doesn't stop drinking ? You don't have to put up with this behavior, you deserve better.
We have a Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum here. Maybe talk with others (there) who have experienced, or are experiencing same? Get some support, not feel so sad.
As others have said...he has to want to be sober.
Focus on yourself Maura. Find what you want out life, and enjoy that life. You deserve it.
Maybe time to start considering turning your fantasy into reality if he doesn't stop drinking ? You don't have to put up with this behavior, you deserve better.
We have a Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum here. Maybe talk with others (there) who have experienced, or are experiencing same? Get some support, not feel so sad.
As others have said...he has to want to be sober.
Focus on yourself Maura. Find what you want out life, and enjoy that life. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 177
Hi Maura. I agree with what some of the posters above have already said in that you need to leave him. I know that, after 28 years of marriage, this is a devastating decision to make but, if he is to ever quit drinking, he has to make that decision on his own and most of us made that decision after seeing our lives crumbling to pieces. Everyone has a different bottom. You cannot help him except by leaving and then, hopefully, he will realize what his drinking is truly doing to his life. And then, hopefully, he will quit and seek help so that your relationship can be healed and you can be together again. He can only help himself in making that decision. One he does make that decision there are many avenues, including this forum, where he can get help and support but he, unequivocally, has to stop drinking first. Leaving him doesn't have to be permanent but you must do what is best for you and staying with him, being so poorly treated and maligned, is only going to keep you miserable.
His family, your family, whatever, is not what makes him drink. He alone makes himself drink and his excuses are the common excuses of an alcoholic who refuses to take responsibility for his or her own actions. I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I wish the best for both of you.
His family, your family, whatever, is not what makes him drink. He alone makes himself drink and his excuses are the common excuses of an alcoholic who refuses to take responsibility for his or her own actions. I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I wish the best for both of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome Maura
I also believe you are doing the right thing thinking about moving on.
There does not seem to be much left in this relationship for you?
Keep posting - there's a lot of support here, both in this forum and our Family and Friends forum too
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
I also believe you are doing the right thing thinking about moving on.
There does not seem to be much left in this relationship for you?
Keep posting - there's a lot of support here, both in this forum and our Family and Friends forum too
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
There is nobody that can save your hubby except himself.
My wife is starting to drink more and more. I have told her all about booze,
She is blinded by it. Booze slowly lures folks into its grips if they are not respectful.
It can turn a God fearing many like your hubby into a monster. My wife is on the same path.
My wife already has a mean and crazy side sober. I am scared what is going to happen if she gets heavily addicted.
They just will not listen.
I will do to her what she did to me if she gets to crazy. You can do the same with your hubby.
Basically, start a life without them. Do your own thing, get away from the drunk.
It can work. It worked for us for about 15 years until I cleaned up my act.
The next step for me would be to move out. I hope I have some time and that it doesn't come to that.
Thanks.
My wife is starting to drink more and more. I have told her all about booze,
She is blinded by it. Booze slowly lures folks into its grips if they are not respectful.
It can turn a God fearing many like your hubby into a monster. My wife is on the same path.
My wife already has a mean and crazy side sober. I am scared what is going to happen if she gets heavily addicted.
They just will not listen.
I will do to her what she did to me if she gets to crazy. You can do the same with your hubby.
Basically, start a life without them. Do your own thing, get away from the drunk.
It can work. It worked for us for about 15 years until I cleaned up my act.
The next step for me would be to move out. I hope I have some time and that it doesn't come to that.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 7
You are so right! He doesn't really want to give it up. Just today he snuck two Screwdriver drinks from a secret stash of Vodka he has in the garage.
He promised me he'd give up the vodka for the "sake of our marriage." Blaming me for the fact he has no pain relief. That's life.
He promised me he'd give up the vodka for the "sake of our marriage." Blaming me for the fact he has no pain relief. That's life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I am sorry for what you are going through Maura. We are your husband so we know what he is doing. He is drinking and doing everything he can to keep drinking, including gaslighting you and everyone in his orbit. Blaming and obfuscating and prevaricating and fabricating. We all did that.
I am going to suggest that you make your next decisions of this world and in this life. Your deity, whatever that may be, has apparently decided that you are to be tested and that it is up to you to get out of this mess. So do it. Don't wait for a crop circle, a cloud shaped like a cross, or some other sign or any answered prayers. That is not how faith works. Never has.
Decide how you want to live the rest of your precious remaining days and then make that happen. Decide what you are willing to put up with and then do not look back.
Get out and live your life. You might have 20 or 30 good years left. How do you want to live those years?
I am going to suggest that you make your next decisions of this world and in this life. Your deity, whatever that may be, has apparently decided that you are to be tested and that it is up to you to get out of this mess. So do it. Don't wait for a crop circle, a cloud shaped like a cross, or some other sign or any answered prayers. That is not how faith works. Never has.
Decide how you want to live the rest of your precious remaining days and then make that happen. Decide what you are willing to put up with and then do not look back.
Get out and live your life. You might have 20 or 30 good years left. How do you want to live those years?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Sober369 
Hey Maura, and welcome to SR. My heart goes out to you. You probably will get better answers on the family members thread. The people on this thread are the alcoholics trying to recover (most of us doing a great job of it).
I was married to an alcoholic, and yes, he was miserable and narcissistic and mean. But, I left his sorry self back in 93 and I am glad I did, even though we went through hell, my kids and I. We were going through hell with him, and without him we had hope of getting out of the mess.
But, that said, I sure don't know what you should do. Alanon, I've heard, is wonderful. I'm sure the family group here is great, too.
I'm praying for you and for him.
Hugs to you.
I was married to an alcoholic, and yes, he was miserable and narcissistic and mean. But, I left his sorry self back in 93 and I am glad I did, even though we went through hell, my kids and I. We were going through hell with him, and without him we had hope of getting out of the mess.
But, that said, I sure don't know what you should do. Alanon, I've heard, is wonderful. I'm sure the family group here is great, too.
I'm praying for you and for him.
Hugs to you.
I already went through one divorce in 1989 from husband number one. I don't really relish
going through divorce again. First husband's addictions were porn and women. I was naïve and
played along. Since we were both in our mid-twenties I was inexperienced and tolerated
far more than I should have. Our marriage lasted less than five years.
So this time around there is more love, more experiences, kids, property, etc. and truthfullly the
drinking has really been an issue for the last twelve years or so. Still it's not getting better.
Thank you for your insights and wisdom.
KMLD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Steely
Welcome Maura
Maybe time to start considering turning your fantasy into reality if he doesn't stop drinking ? You don't have to put up with this behavior, you deserve better.
We have a Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum here. Maybe talk with others (there) who have experienced, or are experiencing same? Get some support, not feel so sad.
As others have said...he has to want to be sober.
Focus on yourself Maura. Find what you want out life, and enjoy that life. You deserve it.
Maybe time to start considering turning your fantasy into reality if he doesn't stop drinking ? You don't have to put up with this behavior, you deserve better.
We have a Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum here. Maybe talk with others (there) who have experienced, or are experiencing same? Get some support, not feel so sad.
As others have said...he has to want to be sober.
Focus on yourself Maura. Find what you want out life, and enjoy that life. You deserve it.
Blessings,
Maura
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by TroubleAfoot
Hi Maura. I agree with what some of the posters above have already said in that you need to leave him. I know that, after 28 years of marriage, this is a devastating decision to make but, if he is to ever quit drinking, he has to make that decision on his own and most of us made that decision after seeing our lives crumbling to pieces. Everyone has a different bottom. You cannot help him except by leaving and then, hopefully, he will realize what his drinking is truly doing to his life. And then, hopefully, he will quit and seek help so that your relationship can be healed and you can be together again. He can only help himself in making that decision. One he does make that decision there are many avenues, including this forum, where he can get help and support but he, unequivocally, has to stop drinking first. Leaving him doesn't have to be permanent but you must do what is best for you and staying with him, being so poorly treated and maligned, is only going to keep you miserable.
His family, your family, whatever, is not what makes him drink. He alone makes himself drink and his excuses are the common excuses of an alcoholic who refuses to take responsibility for his or her own actions. I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I wish the best for both of you.
His family, your family, whatever, is not what makes him drink. He alone makes himself drink and his excuses are the common excuses of an alcoholic who refuses to take responsibility for his or her own actions. I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I wish the best for both of you.
Maura
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Anna
Maura, This is a sad situation, but you are doing the right thing taking care of yourself. Living with verbal abuse is not okay. It's time to take care of yourself.
Maura
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
You deserve a lot better than this. Move out. Your husband can get his life together and win you back if he wants to. Go to Alanon and/or get some therapy for yourself. Build a new life without a narcissistic drunk calling you names and insulting you.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,681
Hi Maura, welcome to SR 
sorry for what you’re going through. I can relate to all the lies your husband tells you. I told them myself. Drinking, when you’re an addict, is number one priority. Until he decides to stop for good, and not just a token gesture for a week or so, your life will be on this rollercoaster for the unforeseen future.
You can do something about it even if your husband doesn’t. And you never know, he may want to lose the drink instead of losing you.
Some great info on this site, pleased you found us.
sorry for what you’re going through. I can relate to all the lies your husband tells you. I told them myself. Drinking, when you’re an addict, is number one priority. Until he decides to stop for good, and not just a token gesture for a week or so, your life will be on this rollercoaster for the unforeseen future.You can do something about it even if your husband doesn’t. And you never know, he may want to lose the drink instead of losing you.
Some great info on this site, pleased you found us.
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