Sober. My brother is an alcoholic. How do I help him?
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Sober. My brother is an alcoholic. How do I help him?
Hello everyone. I've been sober now for over a year (last time I tried alcohol I broke out in hives and went into a crohns flare, so - no more drinking for many reasons).
I come from a big Irish/Italian family of heavy drinkers. The measure of a "man" in my family has often been ones ability to get drunk and still "maintain," do well at work/job/school and be a proud heavy drinker. In retrospect, this was an odd way to live... for me it meant going through many days of your life in an anxious hangover and WDs... for what? A few hours of drunken heart-to-hearts? Admittedly, I helped drive this kind of thinking and loathed non-drinkers. Then, as alcoholism does, it got bad, it got private, it got uncontrollable and my health suffered.
Because of my crohns disease and a few hospital stays for IBD, I no longer get much pressure to drink. But only because it's due to a serious health condition. If it were because I were an an "alcoholic," many in my family would see that as a sign of weakness, that you "can't handle it" or don't have the self-control to be a functional drunk.
Now I am in a situation where I am sober, but I see my brother (who lives just a few houses from me now) in a very similar cycle of heavy drinking. Like me, he started drinking young and just never stopped. He thinks it's not a problem because he can do four white-knuckled days of sobriety before "the weekend" where he spends most of it in various states of intoxication. He is built like a tank and can function on a lot of liquor. It's usually around 9-10 p.m. it becomes apparently just how drink he is.
I never really noticed this when we were younger, because, well, I was drunk, too.
We still hang out, we cook, we get our kids together all the time, I absolutely love my brother. But as I've seen my overall health improve, my weight level out, my skin clear out and my energy return to normal as I reach Crohns remission.... my brother is struggling. He has long COVID. His breathing is bad. And he's only 35. When I broach the topic with him, he shrugs it off and doesn't want to talk about it, but does acknowledge his issues with drinking.
My wife thinks I should take a harder tone with him or say we can't be around each other or something dramatic, but I know from experience that wouldn't work. It wouldn't have worked for me. It took my wife finding hidden liquor in a bathroom closet for me to finally realize the depth of my addiction. I made a deep, personal choice to be a sober human and to live that new reality without shame. Not a soul on this planet could've pushed me across that line, I had to find it myself.
I wanted to ask people here with more experience with this, I'm too close to it. Can I do more? Should I do more? Or should I just keep nudging him along and showing by example? I love my brother, I want him to be happy - but right now I know *exactly* where he is. I've been there. He can't imagine his life without alcohol. I couldn't either. And I remember how no amount of pleading from loved ones would've gotten me to change my thinking and cut back...
Thanks for reading and for any thoughts / advice or experiences.
I come from a big Irish/Italian family of heavy drinkers. The measure of a "man" in my family has often been ones ability to get drunk and still "maintain," do well at work/job/school and be a proud heavy drinker. In retrospect, this was an odd way to live... for me it meant going through many days of your life in an anxious hangover and WDs... for what? A few hours of drunken heart-to-hearts? Admittedly, I helped drive this kind of thinking and loathed non-drinkers. Then, as alcoholism does, it got bad, it got private, it got uncontrollable and my health suffered.
Because of my crohns disease and a few hospital stays for IBD, I no longer get much pressure to drink. But only because it's due to a serious health condition. If it were because I were an an "alcoholic," many in my family would see that as a sign of weakness, that you "can't handle it" or don't have the self-control to be a functional drunk.
Now I am in a situation where I am sober, but I see my brother (who lives just a few houses from me now) in a very similar cycle of heavy drinking. Like me, he started drinking young and just never stopped. He thinks it's not a problem because he can do four white-knuckled days of sobriety before "the weekend" where he spends most of it in various states of intoxication. He is built like a tank and can function on a lot of liquor. It's usually around 9-10 p.m. it becomes apparently just how drink he is.
I never really noticed this when we were younger, because, well, I was drunk, too.
We still hang out, we cook, we get our kids together all the time, I absolutely love my brother. But as I've seen my overall health improve, my weight level out, my skin clear out and my energy return to normal as I reach Crohns remission.... my brother is struggling. He has long COVID. His breathing is bad. And he's only 35. When I broach the topic with him, he shrugs it off and doesn't want to talk about it, but does acknowledge his issues with drinking.
My wife thinks I should take a harder tone with him or say we can't be around each other or something dramatic, but I know from experience that wouldn't work. It wouldn't have worked for me. It took my wife finding hidden liquor in a bathroom closet for me to finally realize the depth of my addiction. I made a deep, personal choice to be a sober human and to live that new reality without shame. Not a soul on this planet could've pushed me across that line, I had to find it myself.
I wanted to ask people here with more experience with this, I'm too close to it. Can I do more? Should I do more? Or should I just keep nudging him along and showing by example? I love my brother, I want him to be happy - but right now I know *exactly* where he is. I've been there. He can't imagine his life without alcohol. I couldn't either. And I remember how no amount of pleading from loved ones would've gotten me to change my thinking and cut back...
Thanks for reading and for any thoughts / advice or experiences.
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I'm sorry for this situation, Evoo.
You've tried to talk to him about his drinking and he doesn't want to, even though he acknowledges he has issues. You've let him know that you are there for him and there's really nothing else you can do. Continue showing him by example, that he could enjoy living a sober life. It's a tough situation.
You've tried to talk to him about his drinking and he doesn't want to, even though he acknowledges he has issues. You've let him know that you are there for him and there's really nothing else you can do. Continue showing him by example, that he could enjoy living a sober life. It's a tough situation.
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Join Date: May 2019
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Hi Evoo, your post struck a chord as I have a brother who I suspect is an alcoholic and in any case is massively obese. Rather than derail your thread, all I’ll say is that it’s important to try and do something. My parents died within the last couple of years, and my brother doesn’t have anyone. I’m going to try and make him see sense this year. You must have some success stories as a result of your year sober? Can you use these as an incentive? I’ll give it a try. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
It is hard to watch someone headed down the alcoholic path, especially since we have been there and know it first hand. You know the answer to your question because it is in your post in a lot of variations.
"Not a soul on this planet could've pushed me across that line, I had to find it myself."
"no amount of pleading from loved ones would've gotten me to change my thinking and cut back..."
Your best chance to get through to your brother is by the way you live your life. Your actions as a sober person carry a ton of weight and have way more potential to break through to your brother than any words. He knows your past. He knows your present. He is being shown by example that a sober life is attainable. A life of strength and hope.
"Not a soul on this planet could've pushed me across that line, I had to find it myself."
"no amount of pleading from loved ones would've gotten me to change my thinking and cut back..."
Your best chance to get through to your brother is by the way you live your life. Your actions as a sober person carry a ton of weight and have way more potential to break through to your brother than any words. He knows your past. He knows your present. He is being shown by example that a sober life is attainable. A life of strength and hope.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
I'd say to just be there for him, i would have given up for a serious health issue like you but no way i would have felt any shame if my wife had found a bottle i had hidden as it would be so she didn't nag me about drinking so we all see things differently. I've tried the intervention stuff and it's never worked long term, and if the person is forced to get sober then drinks again, they drink harder than before due to embarrassment and hopelessness so it is crucial to wait until someone is ready imo.
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You could just mention that you're worried about him and tell him how much your health and life have improved since you've been sober. I hope he'll listen to you, at least you can plant the seed in his mind. 
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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you probably know yourself Evoo that people can talk to an alcoholic til they're blue in the face...but an alcoholic will not quit until they want to.
You can bring it up and have an honest discussion about your fears for your bro...but be prepared for the possibility it may not do any good, at least not right now - you never know tho it may plant a seed that will bloom later.
You can bring it up and have an honest discussion about your fears for your bro...but be prepared for the possibility it may not do any good, at least not right now - you never know tho it may plant a seed that will bloom later.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,643
This will sound cold, but it is my experience that active alcoholics are impossible to help no matter what their mouth says.
I had to stop being an ***hole and embrace unconditional sobriety before there was any helping me. Until I did that, I was just a pathetic liar. I hate who I used to be for good reason.
My brother is an active alcoholic also and I will not be around him until it's obvious he is embracing sobriety. I only have so much energy.
I had to stop being an ***hole and embrace unconditional sobriety before there was any helping me. Until I did that, I was just a pathetic liar. I hate who I used to be for good reason.
My brother is an active alcoholic also and I will not be around him until it's obvious he is embracing sobriety. I only have so much energy.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: North Carolina
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You can educate him. Plenty of information out there about what booze does to your body.
Ever see the non smoking ads of people with throat cancer.
Maybe invite him to do some non drinking activities. Which I know for us drinkers don’t really exist haha until we get sober. But it’s worth a shot.
Ever see the non smoking ads of people with throat cancer.
Maybe invite him to do some non drinking activities. Which I know for us drinkers don’t really exist haha until we get sober. But it’s worth a shot.
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
you probably know yourself Evoo that people can talk to an alcoholic til they're blue in the face...but an alcoholic will not quit until they want to.
You can bring it up and have an honest discussion about your fears for your bro...but be prepared for the possibility it may not do any good, at least not right now - you never know tho it may plant a seed that will bloom later.
You can bring it up and have an honest discussion about your fears for your bro...but be prepared for the possibility it may not do any good, at least not right now - you never know tho it may plant a seed that will bloom later.
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Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by Dee74
you probably know yourself Evoo that people can talk to an alcoholic til they're blue in the face...but an alcoholic will not quit until they want to..
Or was it?
During my drinking years, there were various news stories about stuff like lots of red wine causes cancer (no s***, Sherlock) and the overall health effects of alcohol. They must’ve got to me in the end. Looking back to the time I cut down (towards the end of 2017), an English/Irish comedian called Sean Hughes died and many suspected alcohol-related cirrhosis. He was only 51 - the age I am now - and I remember thinking what a tragic waste. Cliché alert but 51 really is no age. It’s a great age. I’m fit enough to run about albeit slowly and wise enough to not get stressed about small stuff. Poor Sean H never got the chance. It was his death abc the drip drip effect of the news stories which ultimately made me quit.
I’d certainly recommend trying to convince a drinker to stop. They’ll make excuses - need to drink due to stress, my dad drank a bucket of wine a day and lived to 120 blah blah - but over time it may well have a cumulative effect. Plus if the worst happens and a friend/relatives gets ill from drinking, we’ll at least have tried to stop them. I need to do this with my own brother. Not going to be easy, but I have to try.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Bottom line, I quit when I no longer wanted to live the way I was living.
No amount of education. No amount of words. No amount of help. No amount of love. None of those things nor anything else made any difference whatsoever until I no longer wanted to live the way I was.
That was the point at which those other things (education/words/help/love) became extremely important to my continued sobriety.
No amount of education. No amount of words. No amount of help. No amount of love. None of those things nor anything else made any difference whatsoever until I no longer wanted to live the way I was.
That was the point at which those other things (education/words/help/love) became extremely important to my continued sobriety.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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A lot of people have said you can’t make him stop, he’s got to want to stop, and I agree, you shouldn’t put responsibility squarely on yourself for his behavior or his decision to stop or not.…. but things you say could help him arrive at that decision sooner than if you said nothing, such that continuing to say something/talk about it is worth a try.
I wouldn’t threaten estrangement to try get him to stop. I’d just be sincere and honest about what you personally would like to see him do/try.
I’d consider sharing with him what you wrote to start this thread.
I wouldn’t threaten estrangement to try get him to stop. I’d just be sincere and honest about what you personally would like to see him do/try.
I’d consider sharing with him what you wrote to start this thread.
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Evoo, I'm glad you talked to your brother and shared your concerns. I lost my brother to alcoholism a few years ago so I know how hard this is. I offered my help to my brother, but sadly, he didn't have the motivation to stop drinking. I hope that your brother will decide to stop drinking.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Show him by example. Be the best you that you can be. Love him. Accept him as he is. Remain close to him and continue to show him that drinking is not the solution.
It is really hard to see someone we love struggle with addiction. There were people in my life who were concerned and saw me struggling but did not know how to help. It was up to me to take the plunge into sobriety. In fact, my spouse was concerned. He talked of my struggle with me during the times when I was truly at my end.
Send out into the world the thoughts of your brother being healthy. Pray for his happiness. His strength to shine through.
Keep on fighting the good fight and your brother just may come around one day. We can change our lives. You did it. So can he.
Add on: I see you talked to him. That is wonderful. Its good he was receptive and wants to work on his issue with alcohol.
Such a good sign.
It is really hard to see someone we love struggle with addiction. There were people in my life who were concerned and saw me struggling but did not know how to help. It was up to me to take the plunge into sobriety. In fact, my spouse was concerned. He talked of my struggle with me during the times when I was truly at my end.
Send out into the world the thoughts of your brother being healthy. Pray for his happiness. His strength to shine through.
Keep on fighting the good fight and your brother just may come around one day. We can change our lives. You did it. So can he.
Add on: I see you talked to him. That is wonderful. Its good he was receptive and wants to work on his issue with alcohol.
Such a good sign.
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