Ekohe

What did your "lowest point" feel like? I think I might be there myself. I feel so much overwhelming regret to the point theres pain in my head. I feel like the last ten years were lived by someone else and I had to painfully observe, like my body was rented out to someone else. I am sober, and have no desire to drink today but I am feeling so desperately down, and having a hard time even putting things on paper, and think that's been the case the last couple years despite that being recommended to me over and over again.

My hope is hearing some stories I may find some similarity or hope for what's to come if I battle through this with everything that I've got. Thank you in advance as I know sometimes it's hard to talk about such things.

least

My lowest point was when I woke up after drinking for two days, breaking 6 months sobriety. I woke up feeling horrible and hating myself and wishing I were dead. But, like the phoenix, I arose from my ashes and was reborn as a stronger, more determined, sober person.

Now I wake up feeling good (usually) and ready for whatever the day brings. I take good care of my dog and cats and give them the attention they deserve and need. I no longer hate myself, rather, I'm perpetually improving myself.

My whole life is different and better, and I owe it all to following the suggestion I got here to practice gratitude every day. It changed my outlook and made me a happier person. Try it. You have nothing to lose but your misery.

stickyone

Everyone has there lowest point. Even some of the lowest points might be not under the influence of alcohol or drugs but sober. I've dealt with alot of low points in my life when I got sober . And the reason I said this is because when I drink or use it is to numb the pain or emotions so I don't even realize it. But when your sober there ain't no blaming I was drunk or high that's why I did it. I made a sober decision and i have to take full responsibility for it wrong or right.

DriGuy

I'm an advocate of understanding self, but for some reason, I have little desire to understand my low point. It was bizarre, surreal, and nightmarish. The farthest I wished to push my understanding of it was that I was no longer in control of my life and I had one foot firmly planted on a path to insanity. It was like having a debate with a stupid person whose logic was so full of holes that a 10 year old can easily see the flaws. Arguing with an insane person is not one of my strengths. The insane create worlds of mental chaos that can have no reasonable response, so I end the debate and walk away.

The insane person was me, an alcoholic caught up in a series of behaviors that made no rational sense. I quit trying to make sense of the irrational and I walked away from the behaviors and the flawed logic of it all. I just ended the debate and the futility of trying to make sense out of it. To this day, I have not had a desire to revisit and dissect that part of my life. I don't want to go anywhere near it.

Most of my life I relied heavily on reason to solve my problems, but solving my alcohol problem was like a huge leap or shortcut to a new form of problem solving. I had found a new tool to add to my life's toolbox. Go directly to the problem and quit it without getting caught up in a lot of undecipherable mental chaos.

In Rational Recovery, they might say the mental chaos is your alcoholic voice trying to keep you engaged with the problem. So the approach would be to ignore your AV and the chaos. Don't go there. And many years later, I'm content to just let it be in the past. All I know is that my life is good right now, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Mizz

My lowest point? Its not something I am proud to talk about and I truly have a hard time saying it out loud. I realized this recently when I was talking to a friend. I've been able to talk about it here for some reason but I think that is because I am a Charlie Chaplin Avatar and no one knows me here in real life.

I had never felt so sad in my life. My drinking took me to a place of complete despair. The lights had been turned out and I could not find a way to let the light in and I did not want to keep waking up. I wanted my life to stop. I was in my bed for two days crying and overwhelmed by how sad I felt. Those two days were the catalyst for getting sober. I had been trying to get sober but I was not succeeding and I was living in groundhogs day. That darkness was too much to live in....

We are meant to be happy. We are not meant to suffer to such degrees. It took me a few months of some very hard work to get the anxiety under control and to start to see that there was reason and hope and determination and love. All of the good stuff started shining. The lights came back on!

Have you seen a doctor about your depression? from your posts it does seem to me that you are depressed and you may need a bit of help to get you unstuck. Some assistance. Its a good thing. You will get better. Believe in yourself and believe that you will get better. Seek out help if necessary from professionals. You are meant to be happy. Truly happy. You can do this!

D122y

As I got more and more time from my last drink I had more and more feelings of peace and serenity.

My first year was hell on earth. I was paranoid. i didn't sleep well.

I came here all the time and asked questions. This place saved my life.

The changes towards inner peace are imperceivable over the moments and days, but shown through in the months and years clean.

Now when I see someone drinking, my wife last night, I can think to myself thank God those days are over forever.

Drunks get a few minutes of stupid acting euphoria, followed by being tired, sick, mentally damaged, and craving.

Because I love her, I have told my wife at least a half dozen times about booze. No name calling, but I will say you can lead a horse.

Getting clean hurts for years. I got used to hurting and then it got better.

I still hurt, but I am stronger because I have a brain that is working as good as it can after drinking for decades and now being sober 6 years.

It makes everything better and easier.

Let me know if you want some other type of feedback. I am full of it.

Thanks.

RecklessDrunk

I spent my 16th birthday 1,000 miles from home in a reform school. The experts back then had a little trouble distinguishing emotionally disturbed from high functioning Autism. This was 1990 and it would be my longest stretch of sobriety until 2016. It wasn't volunteer sobriety. In 2016 I would come to learn it was untreated alcoholism. Anyway I use to look back at that as some of the darkest days. Except toward the end. I knew I was going home soon. Much of day dreaming was about drugs and alcohol but some was about the possibilities of what I could do with my life. I was in a terrible place but my head was filled with hope toward the end.

There were times during my drinking and even in sobriety when I would look back. I'm talking like late 30s into mid 40s, thinking how in the World can you be more miserable now then back in that place? What is wrong with you? You have an ok income and freedom your own place, always some kind of sport or muscle car. A steady gf for sometime, one that I just had to have at first but I ended up pretty miserable with. Couldn't figure out if more miserable with her or single and middle aged. A lose, lose.

One of the most miserable times was the day after my felony drug and dwi arrest. I could not sit still because I had so much anxiety. Much of that would change in a matter of days. When my lawyer sent me to AA. When I saw there was a new way. When I saw that there was hope. When I got so frustrated that I just let it go and turned it over to God. It was a rocket to a pink cloud that I spent much of that next year on!

Its when I start thinking about the things I don't have. Comparing myself to other people. How I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this World. Somedays I just work all day and don't get home to even eat until bed time and I have no life and where is my life going . I can get so self centered, its why I am alcoholic. I get so caught up in how I think my life should be and what I should have and accomplish and all that.

That pink cloud in recovery is sort of like those early days of drinking or those first few hits of crack cocaine. Except its more feasible to get back on that pink cloud or at least pretty happy. Its all about turning it over to God. Trying to focus on our role in life. Serving God, serving other people. I need to trust that I am right where God wants me to be.

Scd619x

I've got the usual drinking stories about my lowest points, same as everyone else. My lowest point came in sobriety, a complete sense of hopelessness and depression, stopped taking care of myself, wouldn't look at myself in the mirror, stopped going out other than to shop, stopped looking for work, just wanted to die and to go back to a previous time but didn't want to drink. Had the standard advise from people which didn't help in the slightest. After a long time i had to get back out and do something, i didn't want to though, and things started changing a little. When i was drinking i lived life at a sprint, always chasing my tail, the drinking and hangovers kept me occupied. Without that i had to learn to live like everyone else which sucked for a while.

Sober369

This has been some great reading, thanks everyone. If you are having depression, you may have to go to the doctor to get better. Or a therapist.
I think my lowest point may have been a couple of weeks ago, right before I got sober (again, I have 11 days today). I just hurt so much inside, in my heart and soul. So many regrets, so little to hang on to.
I think emotional pain is the worst thing on the planet. I'm working on it by taking supplements and listening to a lot of podcasts about being present, getting in touch with my higher power, giving all this pain to him, he has no problem with it. Also going to twelve step meetings, which I don't much like but I feel like I'm at least moving in the right direction. I'm doing a lot better. I actually have moments of joy. Don't push the pain down, let it go.
Please remember that depression can be deadly. The only way out is through it, and yes, it is really awful. Do you have someone you can talk to face to face who will understand and at least be there for you, give you a hug and remind you that they love you? I don't, but I am getting through anyway. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and we need to focus on that.

alphaomega

I told my husband today, over breakfast, that 40 days ago I hated myself so much.
And I couldn’t escape it anymore with drugs and alcohol.

Everything had stopped working as far as getting out of my head. No amount of alcohol fixed it, it only served to make me violently anxious. The pot couldn’t get strong enough, it began to make me paranoid. The benzos had to be ramped up, to mitigate the alcohol withdrawal anxiety, and that was getting scary. And the nicotine that I would abuse while drinking, was making me breathless in addition to nauseous.

It was not my physical bottom. That was years ago when I was vomiting and simultaneously soiling myself from the force at which my body was expelling the toxins I couldn’t stop ingesting.

But hangovers like that were long in my rear view mirror.

I finally decided I just couldn’t go on hating myself another minute.
And that I would never live up to any sort of my personal potential until I got sober.

So either it was gong to win, or I was.

ive never been happier….or more at peace. Or more my truest version of myself.

stay close and Let us hold you up until you can find the way to do that for yourself…

Patcha

My entire life had become a low point. I'd wake up everyday wondering how I could be alive while feeling so bad. i was horrible to be around, horrible to myself. Everything was horrible. I just wanted to die. There was no one rock bottom I hit and that was the wake up call. It was death by a thousand cuts over and over and over. It was hell. I'm not exaggerating. If someone had told me I was in hell and this is what it is like to be in hell, I would have believed them.

Aellyce

The progression of my drinking hasn't been linear at all. It's almost been a bit backwards in time in that, for me, the first five years of heavy drinking were probably the worst, when I was still in denial about the addiction. There were a couple years there when I drank daily, very seriously neglected a lot of normal things, and pretty much spent my time in what still looks like an alternate reality in retrospect, probably exacerbated by being in a relationship with another alcoholic and escapist. Once I fully realized what I got myself into (a serious addiction), it also led to a much more complex existential crisis, but when I resolved parts of that, it all became a bit easier (maybe unfortunately, I sort of mastered living the double life). I knew what I had then and could at least understand it and make efforts for some harm reduction - of course that approach never felt satisfying, it's just a way to have your cake and eat it, too. Drinking 1-2-3x a week, sometimes with longer breaks like 10-12 days or so, longer abstinent breaks becoming more frequent over time.

Emotionally, probably the hardest/lowest for me was a few months in 2013 when, I believe, I suffered a severe major depressive episode and drank through it in that binging pattern. That was absolutely nightmarish and, of course, I didn't seek any help. The severe depression kinda lifted after about 6 months, but a low-grade version (and the same drinking) remained until sometime in early 2020. Then, my overall mental health had become quite dramatically better and stayed the same way until now, but I still haven't managed to remain sober longer than a bit over 3 months. Now I still get into weird mood states while drinking and quite depressed the day after, but then everything feels sort of normal - I think this bouncing back relatively easily does not help my attitude and attempts at recovery. But when I'm sober, I always feel the best in every sense, even short periods.

I don't find it useful at all to analyze what I feel when I'm drunk or hungover, because it's so very different from my normal state now. Definitely sort of like a different person, and not an appealing one for me at all to try to get to know deeply, as there really isn't much depth to it. The major depression was one of a kind in my life so far, but it's not that complicated either, there is a ton of information about depression and mine was quite typical, confounded by drinking. I find it more useful to look at my slips and see how they occurred, and also to think about and try different approaches and learn what helps me the best, and what hinders progress the most. So, overall, I don't think I can name any lowest point for me that really stands out in absolute terms. There have been different stages in different larger contexts, environments etc but, again, no linear development. Physically, the most troublesome for me was when I did the craziest binges every 2-3 days, drinking enormous quantities within a few hours - acute effects, scary withdrawal symptoms and all that.

I think if I were to write this post in 2014, when I first thought of recovery, it would have been very different. I would have probably described that depression as the lowest and a short period of scary despair before I started engaging in SR more, but that first attempt at sobriety only lasted a couple weeks.

BobbyCC

Hi, my name is Bobby and I'm a grateful recovering addict - and, to me this means that I am a builder in life, not a destroyer! I recall a phrase in the AA's Big Book that says: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". To me, this means that I have a choice to use my experiential past in one of two ways - ie, I can use my past as a weapon to continue to hurt myself or others - or, I can use it as a very powerful tool to make the healthy choices that I need to make today in my recovery! Just for today, I choose to make my experiential past as a powerful tool to make better choices today! I've made peace with my past and I show my sincerity of my desire to be a better version of myself by actively building safe, healthy relationships wherever I go. "Bloom where you're planted"!