Diagnose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
Diagnose
Heya friends,
Ive been on and off on this forum for over ten years by now, I think.
Ive had several stretches of sobriety, only to relapse during periodes of great stress/change.
Sobriety never been really pleasant to me, im constantly stressed out.
Meetings and NA stuff is nice, NA folks are very nice, but even in that programma (had almost 2 yrs sober), i felt often alone and the integration of the NA system got really complicated combining with work and kids and responsibilities.
After my third son ive been crashing 'constantly', the gf and I were thinking of a burn-out caused by work at first.
Then i thought ADHD,but thats only comes forward when under pressure.
Due to constant bickering and not wanting to damage the kids with my tantrums and meltdowns i've been living in a hostel for the past six months.
There I noticed i have weird perception of time, and I noticed to i often mis key empathic stuff in conversations with the gf and such.
Anyways.
I went to see a psychologist and she suggested for the first time in my life i could have some form of autism.
Ofcourse i hyper focused into the matter, i did some clinical test she gave me, cross-referenced with other clinical data and some diagnostic tools.
Read a lot of scientific reports, and in three weeks Ive become an autism semi-expert
,
Test results came back from the psych with 42 of 50 on the brittisch method and 151 of 200 on the Dutch method.
Both results indicate clinical.
Anyways, i'm going for a full diagnostic traject of both ADHD and autism.
Takes several months to complete.
I allready know the outcome lol.
The psych agrees.
The core of my problems are clinical.
It sure explains why i'm such an awesome guy, especially online.
More importantly, it explains why recovery never really stuck.
With a constant translation deficit, stuff gets compicated under high pressure.
It's never been noticed before, cause u develop skills to mask ur weaknesses.
Only the meltdowns get seen, with often wrong diagnostic labels, such as borderline, narcism, full blown ADHD/ADD, psychotic etc.
Been there done that. Thats not it!
It never accured to me I was weird, cause when u only have yourself as a reference point plus the imput of others about YOU it gets really weird fast.
I have a blind spot when it comes to truely understand others and myself (emotionally).
Apart from stuff I learned about social connections and my college degree in communications (o my god the irony).
Basic psychology sort of speak.
When someone starts to cry I kinda now what to do, but I do not automatically own it, and often say the wrong stuff, wich can lead to really terrible social situations.
For example: smiling at funerals cause ur happy for the dead person their suffering is over. I never understood why everybody is crying (seems very egocentric to me).
Ive had a minor obsession with stimming toys ever seen I seen a fidget spinner hahahaha. Long before knowing about stimming.
Always thought I was just passionate about subjects, not obsessive.
Anyways.
I'm hopeful for the future. I can function, hold a job, hold a family and a relationship, when adaptations are made.
My high IQ/intelligence saves my ass haha.
Plus I can look into some medication with the professionals, to cope with the constant under-over-attention.
Cognitive/social/etc programs.
Stuff going to be complicated the next periode of time.
But now the overall perception/outcome become a lot more positive.
Okidoki this was my share.
donations / food stamps can be send to SR management
Ive been on and off on this forum for over ten years by now, I think.
Ive had several stretches of sobriety, only to relapse during periodes of great stress/change.
Sobriety never been really pleasant to me, im constantly stressed out.
Meetings and NA stuff is nice, NA folks are very nice, but even in that programma (had almost 2 yrs sober), i felt often alone and the integration of the NA system got really complicated combining with work and kids and responsibilities.
After my third son ive been crashing 'constantly', the gf and I were thinking of a burn-out caused by work at first.
Then i thought ADHD,but thats only comes forward when under pressure.
Due to constant bickering and not wanting to damage the kids with my tantrums and meltdowns i've been living in a hostel for the past six months.
There I noticed i have weird perception of time, and I noticed to i often mis key empathic stuff in conversations with the gf and such.
Anyways.
I went to see a psychologist and she suggested for the first time in my life i could have some form of autism.
Ofcourse i hyper focused into the matter, i did some clinical test she gave me, cross-referenced with other clinical data and some diagnostic tools.
Read a lot of scientific reports, and in three weeks Ive become an autism semi-expert
,Test results came back from the psych with 42 of 50 on the brittisch method and 151 of 200 on the Dutch method.
Both results indicate clinical.
Anyways, i'm going for a full diagnostic traject of both ADHD and autism.
Takes several months to complete.
I allready know the outcome lol.
The psych agrees.
The core of my problems are clinical.
It sure explains why i'm such an awesome guy, especially online.
More importantly, it explains why recovery never really stuck.
With a constant translation deficit, stuff gets compicated under high pressure.
It's never been noticed before, cause u develop skills to mask ur weaknesses.
Only the meltdowns get seen, with often wrong diagnostic labels, such as borderline, narcism, full blown ADHD/ADD, psychotic etc.
Been there done that. Thats not it!
It never accured to me I was weird, cause when u only have yourself as a reference point plus the imput of others about YOU it gets really weird fast.
I have a blind spot when it comes to truely understand others and myself (emotionally).
Apart from stuff I learned about social connections and my college degree in communications (o my god the irony).
Basic psychology sort of speak.
When someone starts to cry I kinda now what to do, but I do not automatically own it, and often say the wrong stuff, wich can lead to really terrible social situations.
For example: smiling at funerals cause ur happy for the dead person their suffering is over. I never understood why everybody is crying (seems very egocentric to me).
Ive had a minor obsession with stimming toys ever seen I seen a fidget spinner hahahaha. Long before knowing about stimming.
Always thought I was just passionate about subjects, not obsessive.
Anyways.
I'm hopeful for the future. I can function, hold a job, hold a family and a relationship, when adaptations are made.
My high IQ/intelligence saves my ass haha.
Plus I can look into some medication with the professionals, to cope with the constant under-over-attention.
Cognitive/social/etc programs.
Stuff going to be complicated the next periode of time.
But now the overall perception/outcome become a lot more positive.
Okidoki this was my share.
donations / food stamps can be send to SR management
DeeMember
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
That is quite a situation CC. But it sounds like you and the health professionals are getting it figured out. I'd stay clear of internet information and diagnosis if I were you. If alcohol is one of the reasons you are not currently living with your 3 sons and your gf, those are indeed very motivating factors to leave the booze behind and get your mental health challenges figured out.
Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. All of us addicts are a nag-headed mess at times in our lives. You'll get this figured out CC. I hope you stick around and keep us updated on how things are going.
Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. All of us addicts are a nag-headed mess at times in our lives. You'll get this figured out CC. I hope you stick around and keep us updated on how things are going.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
Welcome back. I have HFA( high functioning autism). No one would ever know IRL because I’m so good at masking. I suspected it in my 30s but it wasn’t confirmed until my 40s.
Im 1.5 years into recovery.
im enjoying recovery because I set boundaries. Socializing for example is agonizing for me so I do very little of it and I’m fine with that. I make my tendencies work for me by directing my energy to things I can do or make. Obsessiveness can work If we steer it in the right direction.
stimming is good. I was the kid who rocked and banged their head on the couch till age 14. I was humiliated for it and stopped. It wasn’t long after that I started drinking and you know how that goes!
i hope the diagnoses gives you a strong sense of self acceptance because that will go a long way in helping you stay sober.
Im 1.5 years into recovery.
im enjoying recovery because I set boundaries. Socializing for example is agonizing for me so I do very little of it and I’m fine with that. I make my tendencies work for me by directing my energy to things I can do or make. Obsessiveness can work If we steer it in the right direction.
stimming is good. I was the kid who rocked and banged their head on the couch till age 14. I was humiliated for it and stopped. It wasn’t long after that I started drinking and you know how that goes!
i hope the diagnoses gives you a strong sense of self acceptance because that will go a long way in helping you stay sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Donations are on the way! 
It is so good you are getting all of this sorted and have a better understanding of what is going on. It must be a breath of fresh air in some respects. You dont know what you dont know. Now that you are in a place of knowing you can do something about it.
Onwards and upwards! Keep on moving forward!
It is so good you are getting all of this sorted and have a better understanding of what is going on. It must be a breath of fresh air in some respects. You dont know what you dont know. Now that you are in a place of knowing you can do something about it.
Onwards and upwards! Keep on moving forward!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
Its becoming clear that I have High functioning Autism or what they use to call Asperger's.
I was in my mid 40s and sober a few years by the time I explored this possibility. Years of doctors and child psychology experts could not figure this out. Though it was the 80s.
An old GF use to suggest this and I would shrug it off thinking she must be kidding. Looking back maybe its not normal for a 12 year old boy to recite line for line episodes of sit coms from decades before they were born. Some of the dates they aired. Or reciting football scores and plays that happened before I was born. Telling adults all about the 1958 nfl championship game. I got a lot of do you have a photographic memory kid? (No, I don't) My mom is a little older then most of kids' moms my age. Also, kind of nerdy so I still have to remind her about the classic rock that was coming out in the 60s, I still joke, where were you in the 60s? I guess normal people may get some of this, especially in the day and age of the internet. Some of us with this condition though, its just some topics and we turn into human google!
I scored extremely high on all of those self tests for high functioning Autism. Ive seen you tube accounts from others and its a lot like my fellow alcoholics. I can relate to a lot, but not quite everything. Kind of like with alcoholism, not everybody is the same.
Its like I live in a bubble and I want to jump in and communicate with other peoplearound me but I don't have a clue. I think i attempted this communication recklessly as a kid with hit or miss results. Maybe the hit results threw the doctors for a loop,I don't know. How the heck can an "Aspy" have any social success. I think I'm more cautious as an adult, and now single but sober this time, its really an uphill battle.
We have trouble reading people but I think I found a weak spot in the social bubble i felt stuck in. I think deep down inside I knew if people were laughing then I must be doing ok. At first I had to dig down as a little kid to get the guts to act up in class and try to make kids laugh. I created a monster! I've been through all kinds of emotionally disturbed classes, specialists, reform schools. My teens was part home drinking and druggin and the rest in some institution or another.
Ive heard of people with this condition having trouble with touching people. I grew up obsessed with football so right from the get go I was rough housing with the other boys and thought nothing of it. Even backyard wrestling in middle school trying to imitate hulk hogan and the Macho man and all the WWF guys. There are some areas where I think many have more difficulty with then others.
What i did not understand was why i always felt so uneasy walking into a bar, club, especially a concert. I needed to get really drunk, really fast. Its like I turned into a different person once I drank. Some friends use to joke and call me by a different name. I answer the phone and they ask who is it? Meaning have you been drinking yet, which one of your 2 personalities just answered the phone?
It worked for a while before my twin got to out of hand. I would take care of work and school and the gym with cold hearted precision. Then drink and turn into another person that can socialize and occasionally go home with a lady.
Before I even considered this Asperger's business, working the 12 steps of AA did help quite a bit. Being able to put trust in a higher power is probably quite unnatural for people with high functioning Autism. I think it is the actor in step 3 of the AA literature down to the letter! Naturally I have to plan out every stupid detail and God forbid is something gets out of place.
It is what is. People like me have a unique set of strengths and weakness. We have some gifts and we have to be grateful and take advantage. We take to things like accounting, stats, programming like a fish to water. The ability to lose weight and follow an exercise routine.
We have to move forward with these strengths. Like Dan Marino, not "Aspy" that I know of but that was a unique QB. That is not a normal skill set. Should he have been discouraged that he couldn't run around like Steve Young or Michael Vick? Instead he played the strengths of that arm and that quick release all the way the HOF. Probably a championship in any other lifetime. That's how I try and look at it now.
I was in my mid 40s and sober a few years by the time I explored this possibility. Years of doctors and child psychology experts could not figure this out. Though it was the 80s.
An old GF use to suggest this and I would shrug it off thinking she must be kidding. Looking back maybe its not normal for a 12 year old boy to recite line for line episodes of sit coms from decades before they were born. Some of the dates they aired. Or reciting football scores and plays that happened before I was born. Telling adults all about the 1958 nfl championship game. I got a lot of do you have a photographic memory kid? (No, I don't) My mom is a little older then most of kids' moms my age. Also, kind of nerdy so I still have to remind her about the classic rock that was coming out in the 60s, I still joke, where were you in the 60s? I guess normal people may get some of this, especially in the day and age of the internet. Some of us with this condition though, its just some topics and we turn into human google!
I scored extremely high on all of those self tests for high functioning Autism. Ive seen you tube accounts from others and its a lot like my fellow alcoholics. I can relate to a lot, but not quite everything. Kind of like with alcoholism, not everybody is the same.
Its like I live in a bubble and I want to jump in and communicate with other peoplearound me but I don't have a clue. I think i attempted this communication recklessly as a kid with hit or miss results. Maybe the hit results threw the doctors for a loop,I don't know. How the heck can an "Aspy" have any social success. I think I'm more cautious as an adult, and now single but sober this time, its really an uphill battle.
We have trouble reading people but I think I found a weak spot in the social bubble i felt stuck in. I think deep down inside I knew if people were laughing then I must be doing ok. At first I had to dig down as a little kid to get the guts to act up in class and try to make kids laugh. I created a monster! I've been through all kinds of emotionally disturbed classes, specialists, reform schools. My teens was part home drinking and druggin and the rest in some institution or another.
Ive heard of people with this condition having trouble with touching people. I grew up obsessed with football so right from the get go I was rough housing with the other boys and thought nothing of it. Even backyard wrestling in middle school trying to imitate hulk hogan and the Macho man and all the WWF guys. There are some areas where I think many have more difficulty with then others.
What i did not understand was why i always felt so uneasy walking into a bar, club, especially a concert. I needed to get really drunk, really fast. Its like I turned into a different person once I drank. Some friends use to joke and call me by a different name. I answer the phone and they ask who is it? Meaning have you been drinking yet, which one of your 2 personalities just answered the phone?
It worked for a while before my twin got to out of hand. I would take care of work and school and the gym with cold hearted precision. Then drink and turn into another person that can socialize and occasionally go home with a lady.
Before I even considered this Asperger's business, working the 12 steps of AA did help quite a bit. Being able to put trust in a higher power is probably quite unnatural for people with high functioning Autism. I think it is the actor in step 3 of the AA literature down to the letter! Naturally I have to plan out every stupid detail and God forbid is something gets out of place.
It is what is. People like me have a unique set of strengths and weakness. We have some gifts and we have to be grateful and take advantage. We take to things like accounting, stats, programming like a fish to water. The ability to lose weight and follow an exercise routine.
We have to move forward with these strengths. Like Dan Marino, not "Aspy" that I know of but that was a unique QB. That is not a normal skill set. Should he have been discouraged that he couldn't run around like Steve Young or Michael Vick? Instead he played the strengths of that arm and that quick release all the way the HOF. Probably a championship in any other lifetime. That's how I try and look at it now.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I'm so glad you have persisted and gotten a diagnosis. It can be so frustratingly hard to find out what mental health issues you're experiencing. As you said, there will likely be some ups and downs in medications and treatment plans, but hopefully this will result in you feeling so much better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
Ty all for your replies.
ive read them all.
addiction is a lot less…..addictive when you figured out there is something else going on.
its more obvious why it needs to go.
i always been pretty content doing NA stuff on my own mostly , but cause of social people sharing about their social stuff and sponsor and sponsees I got confused. The program worked better on my own lol. Still one damm good program it is.
Ive never been good at football scores or anything.
I did finish most fantasy novels in my library in my native language by the time I was 12. Moving on to english books. Ive always been people oriented. Cant remember names or birth dates but faces and stuff people said can stick for years on end. Going back to my childhood. I copy dialects and behaviour like a spunge if I allow it.
i think it all comes down to making some internal and external adjustments and I will be even more awesome. And some meltdown back up plans
@dee74 ty bro. Its time i got this ‘fixed’.
@the folks with autism that replied. Lot of recognition. I did not bang my head but was compulsively reorganizing stuff like tape recordings of movies I liked. Collecting stones and weird stuff. Playing with ants for hours on end. Sitting in my darkened room on a sunny day playing videogames. Days on end. Watching the battle of stalingrad videotape for the 10.000th time. Watching at battle schematics of the greeks vs the persians for days. Some stuff lessened cause of the not positive responses I got lol. My all time record on teen-chat was 17 hrs straight. There i learned talking to girls as a 16-yr old lol. And the constant freight train of thoughts in my head, up to this day.
its kinda funny in al my weird ways im ….normal.
@you
I did official clinical testing with my shrink.
the results showed clinical. Nuff said
ive read them all.
addiction is a lot less…..addictive when you figured out there is something else going on.
its more obvious why it needs to go.
i always been pretty content doing NA stuff on my own mostly , but cause of social people sharing about their social stuff and sponsor and sponsees I got confused. The program worked better on my own lol. Still one damm good program it is.
Ive never been good at football scores or anything.
I did finish most fantasy novels in my library in my native language by the time I was 12. Moving on to english books. Ive always been people oriented. Cant remember names or birth dates but faces and stuff people said can stick for years on end. Going back to my childhood. I copy dialects and behaviour like a spunge if I allow it.
i think it all comes down to making some internal and external adjustments and I will be even more awesome. And some meltdown back up plans
@dee74 ty bro. Its time i got this ‘fixed’.
@the folks with autism that replied. Lot of recognition. I did not bang my head but was compulsively reorganizing stuff like tape recordings of movies I liked. Collecting stones and weird stuff. Playing with ants for hours on end. Sitting in my darkened room on a sunny day playing videogames. Days on end. Watching the battle of stalingrad videotape for the 10.000th time. Watching at battle schematics of the greeks vs the persians for days. Some stuff lessened cause of the not positive responses I got lol. My all time record on teen-chat was 17 hrs straight. There i learned talking to girls as a 16-yr old lol. And the constant freight train of thoughts in my head, up to this day.
its kinda funny in al my weird ways im ….normal.
@you
I did official clinical testing with my shrink.
the results showed clinical. Nuff said
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