Back again, feeling pretty bad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 175
Hey Phil,
It's doable, that's the concrete good news. Many suffering as much or even more than you have found liberation from active alcoholism. In my experience, it became clear to me that will power was not enough. I had to address the reasons that I drank and used. Once you take the booze away you are simply left with the same character defects that sent you out drinking in the first place. I call this white-knuckling it. Once you start to address and resolve those issues you can be relieved of the obsession and start to live a fulfilling life.
I also started out going to online AA meetings and it was helpful to get started, but honestly if you have in-person meetings I recommend getting there daily. If online is the only thing possible, I found that setting aside time to sit down in front of the meeting with no distractions the best approach. Nothing has the same effect as in-person meetings though.
I recommend getting a sponsor immediately. If you have not found a suitable sponsor, get a temporary sponsor and start doing whatever they ask. Get someone serious that means business and has a life that you want to be living. Work the steps. Without step work, you are just abstaining from drinking while still sick.
The kick in your ass you are looking for is: Get your ass to a meeting in person daily, get a sponsor, take a commitment at the meeting and get a homegroup. WORK THE STEPS DAILY.
Hope this helps bro, remember recovery is possible.
Do the work and always be good to yourself. Imagine how you would treat a loved one that is suffering deeply and love yourself in that way.
All the love
It's doable, that's the concrete good news. Many suffering as much or even more than you have found liberation from active alcoholism. In my experience, it became clear to me that will power was not enough. I had to address the reasons that I drank and used. Once you take the booze away you are simply left with the same character defects that sent you out drinking in the first place. I call this white-knuckling it. Once you start to address and resolve those issues you can be relieved of the obsession and start to live a fulfilling life.
I also started out going to online AA meetings and it was helpful to get started, but honestly if you have in-person meetings I recommend getting there daily. If online is the only thing possible, I found that setting aside time to sit down in front of the meeting with no distractions the best approach. Nothing has the same effect as in-person meetings though.
I recommend getting a sponsor immediately. If you have not found a suitable sponsor, get a temporary sponsor and start doing whatever they ask. Get someone serious that means business and has a life that you want to be living. Work the steps. Without step work, you are just abstaining from drinking while still sick.
The kick in your ass you are looking for is: Get your ass to a meeting in person daily, get a sponsor, take a commitment at the meeting and get a homegroup. WORK THE STEPS DAILY.
Hope this helps bro, remember recovery is possible.
Do the work and always be good to yourself. Imagine how you would treat a loved one that is suffering deeply and love yourself in that way.
All the love
Day 6 today. I will not drink today.
This morning I woke up sober and grateful. I loved it. However one other thing occured to me, how easily I had forgotten how much better quality sleep is sober. I'm not even talking about not waking up at 4am with a racing heart, dread in the pit of your stomach and pulsating sweats. I'm talking about about feeling rested, ready, alive! I enjoyed my breakfast. I enjoyed walking my dog. I am enjoying working right now.
Sober is infinitely better than the alternative.
Onwards!
This morning I woke up sober and grateful. I loved it. However one other thing occured to me, how easily I had forgotten how much better quality sleep is sober. I'm not even talking about not waking up at 4am with a racing heart, dread in the pit of your stomach and pulsating sweats. I'm talking about about feeling rested, ready, alive! I enjoyed my breakfast. I enjoyed walking my dog. I am enjoying working right now.
Sober is infinitely better than the alternative.
Onwards!
End of day 7. Sober. Had to visit the dentist today which wasnt fun but its over now. Felt quite tense today, not sure why.
I really want to start learning to properly meditate so I can try to balance things out if I feel a little off.
Just 2 more days of work then I am off for 5 straight days which I am looking forward to but there is work I had hoped to get finished before I go off which wont happen now, perhaps this is why I feel tense.
On the plus side I had no worry about there being any alcohol on my breath when at the dentists today and I made it to a 6:30am AA meeting this morning (zoom), my first at this particular group which is local to me. Nice to hear from folks who are mostly in the same country as me for a change
I really want to start learning to properly meditate so I can try to balance things out if I feel a little off.
Just 2 more days of work then I am off for 5 straight days which I am looking forward to but there is work I had hoped to get finished before I go off which wont happen now, perhaps this is why I feel tense.
On the plus side I had no worry about there being any alcohol on my breath when at the dentists today and I made it to a 6:30am AA meeting this morning (zoom), my first at this particular group which is local to me. Nice to hear from folks who are mostly in the same country as me for a change
Congratulations on your first week of Sobriety Phil. You are doing great.
I was one one of those people who drank after 5 years and it took me years to get back. Never again.
I'm so grateful to have made it.
I was one one of those people who drank after 5 years and it took me years to get back. Never again.
I'm so grateful to have made it.
On to day 9 now. Feeling a little tense the last couple of days but I guess it takes a while for the brain to readjust and I know from experience that there are always more days at the start when you dont feel quite so good and also remember that as time goes by the good days become more frequent. Things will get better.
I am taking it one day at a time currently and I will not drink today. I do want to get to the point where I rarely feel the tug in the afternoons. That point where you dont even think about drinking and subconsciously this is OK and you can just live happily without the booze. I know it takes time and if I persevere I will get to that point again where I rarely think about drinking and there are no afternoons when I want to drink but I am inherently impatient. The late afternoons are tense for me and it makes me grouchy and generally a pain, it passes once I've had dinner but I hate that time and cant wait until it ceases to be a thing.
Today is my last working day for 5 days which is a good thing. I had wanted to get my current work into a state where I could leave it and forget about it until next Thursday but it seems increasingly likely that wont be the case. I intent to try to forget about it anyway until then.
I will have a look at the meditation videos on youtube, thanks Patcha.
I am taking it one day at a time currently and I will not drink today. I do want to get to the point where I rarely feel the tug in the afternoons. That point where you dont even think about drinking and subconsciously this is OK and you can just live happily without the booze. I know it takes time and if I persevere I will get to that point again where I rarely think about drinking and there are no afternoons when I want to drink but I am inherently impatient. The late afternoons are tense for me and it makes me grouchy and generally a pain, it passes once I've had dinner but I hate that time and cant wait until it ceases to be a thing.
Today is my last working day for 5 days which is a good thing. I had wanted to get my current work into a state where I could leave it and forget about it until next Thursday but it seems increasingly likely that wont be the case. I intent to try to forget about it anyway until then.
I will have a look at the meditation videos on youtube, thanks Patcha.
I re-read my last post and it seems like a bit of a whine even to me lol.
I am absolutely grateful to have gone to bed sober last night, to have woken up sober with no hangover and able to attend a Zoom AA meeting at 6:30am this morning.
I am grateful to have enjoyed walking my wee dog in the too infrequent sunshine we get here in Northern Ireland this morning.
I am also grateful for having a job this whole time during the pandemic and being able to look after my family.
My moaning above diminishes into almost insignificance when I think of these things.
I am also most grateful for everyone here because these afternoons reading on here helps to distract me from making any plans to drink. Thank you all.
I am absolutely grateful to have gone to bed sober last night, to have woken up sober with no hangover and able to attend a Zoom AA meeting at 6:30am this morning.
I am grateful to have enjoyed walking my wee dog in the too infrequent sunshine we get here in Northern Ireland this morning.
I am also grateful for having a job this whole time during the pandemic and being able to look after my family.
My moaning above diminishes into almost insignificance when I think of these things.
I am also most grateful for everyone here because these afternoons reading on here helps to distract me from making any plans to drink. Thank you all.
Not whining at all. These are your thoughts and feelings. Let em out.
Your last post is where your mind needs to go when those negative thoughts come. Thoughts of gratitude always set me right again.
You are doing well. Keep plugging along and those evenings will be a breeze soon enough.
Your last post is where your mind needs to go when those negative thoughts come. Thoughts of gratitude always set me right again.
You are doing well. Keep plugging along and those evenings will be a breeze soon enough.
I get the late afternoon heebie jeebies too. For me it's definitely hunger or maybe blood sugar. Maybe a mid afternoon snack? A handful of nuts always works for me and chases away that mid afternoon malaise.
It's not all alcohol related. I'm sober over seven years and I still have to watch it with timing of meals.
Congrats on Day Nine. Day nine was my worst day...I hope yours is better!
It's not all alcohol related. I'm sober over seven years and I still have to watch it with timing of meals.
Congrats on Day Nine. Day nine was my worst day...I hope yours is better!
Not sure what to say. Doc gave me the easy option pills. I took them and lasted about a week after they were done. On the 11th I made the executive decision to make an excuse at around 5:30 in the evening to go for some milk which we really didnt need and got some booze. As you can imagine its been hell since then. Excuses and pretending to be sick so I dont have to go out so I can drink. That and no matter how much I drink I still feel sick.
Sometimes I wish I'd never been born, that way I wouldnt have to deal with the absolute **** up I have made of my life. It was a total spur of the moment thing. Like a lightning fast decision and literally from the idea popping into my head 10 mins later I had a bottle of wine (no glass of course, straight from the bottle) pouring down my neck. It was like poison but i guzzled it. Drank another too. Now I am 9 days drinking....again, no chance of the easy option pills from the doc, not phoned him but if I were him I'd tell me to **** off.
I tried on Sat to stop but the hell, the sickness, the boiling burning desire in my stomach drove me to the off license. I have been drinking today, despite being working (at home, **** you covid) but I just want to stop. I have said this so many times. On here, in the mirror to myself. I just want to stop and never ever drink again. From having it easy with a good 18 months under my belt I have turned into a serial relapser. I cant take the sickness.
This is a vent more than anything. I hate myself right now for throwing away *another* chance at freedom.
Any advice is welcome. Dealing with the first day or two feels like a task I am so scared to take on, so I need something to help me although I know that there is nothing except benzos will help. I might taper but that is almost as bad since drinking doesnt really make me feel better anymore, just less anxious.
I love my family, three young girls. Best thing I ever did. I check out on them on a daily basis right now. I am chucking all my life away on booze.
Sorry for the vent.
Sometimes I wish I'd never been born, that way I wouldnt have to deal with the absolute **** up I have made of my life. It was a total spur of the moment thing. Like a lightning fast decision and literally from the idea popping into my head 10 mins later I had a bottle of wine (no glass of course, straight from the bottle) pouring down my neck. It was like poison but i guzzled it. Drank another too. Now I am 9 days drinking....again, no chance of the easy option pills from the doc, not phoned him but if I were him I'd tell me to **** off.
I tried on Sat to stop but the hell, the sickness, the boiling burning desire in my stomach drove me to the off license. I have been drinking today, despite being working (at home, **** you covid) but I just want to stop. I have said this so many times. On here, in the mirror to myself. I just want to stop and never ever drink again. From having it easy with a good 18 months under my belt I have turned into a serial relapser. I cant take the sickness.
This is a vent more than anything. I hate myself right now for throwing away *another* chance at freedom.
Any advice is welcome. Dealing with the first day or two feels like a task I am so scared to take on, so I need something to help me although I know that there is nothing except benzos will help. I might taper but that is almost as bad since drinking doesnt really make me feel better anymore, just less anxious.
I love my family, three young girls. Best thing I ever did. I check out on them on a daily basis right now. I am chucking all my life away on booze.
Sorry for the vent.
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