Aellyce

Will be upfront this time: I am drunk as I post this. Some here suggested it was progress for me to even admit my drinking after rounds of dishonest posts and confrontation. I kind of disliked to read those comments acutely, of course, because they hit the sorest spots and were true. But they were also some of the most helpful for me. I have a personal history (won't get into it right now) that makes "cheerleading" feedback and pure compassion ineffective for resolving my issues. Also a personal history for how and why challenge works, when expressed constructively (whatever that means to you).

So, here is a slightly different approach to the same thing (am open to debate if it's different at all). I will even copy the same "identifications" here once again, from my very predictable pattern of engaging in music/videos while drunk. Sad that I'm still in the same old same old, but my reality right now.



I still haven't figured out how to stay sober longer than ~weeks, at this time. I find SMART Recovery and a relatively new-found meditation practice the most helpful.

I don't find discussing "commitment" helpful and effective, as I obviously have not found my way around those things yet. Open, again, to suggestions and evaluations of my 'progress". For those who have followed my struggles, I know that I have the intellect, ability to execute whatever I want, even the (somewhat fading) beauty that I sometimes capitalize on... But none of these will remain very long, and I know my alcoholism will progress, bring me to the deepest dumps, if I don't change.

I found your confrontation and challenge, dear SR members, very helpful a couple weeks ago. Obviously, it did not keep me from getting drunk again, but the mindset is somewhat changing, I think. A bit, not enough,

RAL

Maybe posting here before starting drinking would be useful for you. If you really dont want to drink and will do anything not to drink posting here really helps. There is always someone who will talk you out of any cravings.

Boondock

Hi, why don't you pour out the remaining booze you have now...that would be a courageous start

Boondock

What was it that pushed you to go to the store and purchase the alcohol?

Anna

Aellyce, I'm sorry to hear you're drinking.

As far as staying sober longer than a few weeks, I wonder if you're looking for something that isn't there. I think, in the early weeks, it's just getting through the day, doing the best you can, and ensuring you have some progress each day. For me, after a few weeks of being sober, I began to see that my life was improving a little bit. That was what did it for me. I began to have hope and to build on each day, each week.

I can't be confrontational and challenging - that's my personal history. So, I will just add that I didn't focus on any particular program, but took a more holistic view of recovery.

Scd619x

It's great that you continue to post as going it alone is never a winner. I've done SMART and am in AA, both are very useful tools for recovery. I don't know your pattern of drinking but, if appropriate, make sure you eat and take as good a care of yourself to give yourself a smoother ride when it all clicks for you.

Steely

I think part of the problem Aellyce is that you don't like to admit alcohol has got you snookered. Your ego gets in the way everytime. Why not concede? Snooker's a good game, but not that good.

We all got snookered Aellyce, hang up your cue.

Boondock

How did you go from posting earlier today about doing SMART worksheets to being drunk listening to Tool? That's what you need to figure out what was the turning point.

ScottFromWI

To cut to the chase ( as I usually do ) - I think that is indeed the problem. If you aren't willing to discuss what it takes to make the commitment, then you probably aren't ready to make the commitment itself. And if you aren't willing to accept that, then you have to accept the consequences as they will indeed accumulate.

Dee74

What’s stopping you from challenging yourself Aellyce?

D

Boondock

There's an axis point there somewhere, I know for myself that in my history of relapse it could be resentment or anger or it could be joy and celebration. But for me I figured out that these were fewer and most of the time it was just arrogant rebellion. I'll do what I want and damn the consequences. That more often than not was my axis point so now that I'm equipped with the knowledge of that I can feel the danger zone coming and think myself out of it.

silentrun

Maybe you need inpatient.

dustyfox

Aellyce, You often refer to your looks and now, your 'fading beauty' - If nothing else persuades you, superficial though it may be, save and treasure that fading beauty from becoming ravaged - (adjective meaning destroyed, devastated, ruined). You don't want to turn into Blanche Dubois. Re watch 'A Streetcar named Desire' - 1947

RAL

great point. After several.months of Quitting drinking the facial improvements are better than a facelift

DriGuy

Aellyce, I'm sorry to hear this. Sobriety is never second nature for us alcoholics. You are as capable as the rest of us, and I think you will eventually find it.

Libby06

Are you asking the question "why can't we not be sober" seriously? We all have free will and no one HAS to be sober. Not even the ones on their deathbed from alcohol inflicted disease.

Some posts sound like you really want to be sober, but frankly, in others you sound quite full of yourself. I'm not trying to be rude, it's just how your posts read. I had to completely deflate my ego, and be defeated by alcohol before I had a chance of staying sober. I was beat, it had me. I went to AA and got a tough sponsor. None of that "there there dear" type garbage. I wanted to win life.

Your writing shows your obvious intelligence, and I have no reason to doubt your beauty, but alcohol will take them both in a blink of the eye. Many of us have been blessed with the GIFT of beauty, and used it to our advantage. That bag of tricks empties out fast...and then what?

I am rooting for you Aellyce. Its nice to see you getting honest from the get. That's progress!

LoveDD

I think it comes down to the old saying that you have to want to be sober more then you want to drink.

I can tell you I truly now want this. At 6 months sober everything in my life has improved. My physical and mental health first and foremost but as others have mentioned I look like a bee woman. 20 pounds gone (mind you that including some physical activity which I had no desire to do while drinking), skin is better, dark circles gone, smile back.

You can do this if you really want to. It’s not easy but you can.

GiftsOfSobriety

Hi Aellyce. I am one who believes that being honest with us about your drinking is progress. I think the more willingness you have to be honest and humble in facing this affliction the better chance you have at tackling it. I’m not sure what will resonate with you but I can tell you what has worked for me thus far.

A few years ago I recognized that my drinking was seriously affecting my ability to have any real quality of life. I was ashamed of the person I had become, the life I was living, and the harm I was doing to those around me. I chose a date that I would stop. I was afraid I could not do it. Even as I was doing it I was afraid I could not do it. I wanted to try though and give it everything I had. I knew I could not continue on the same path I’d been on. Each day I did whatever it took not to drink that day. Initially just breaking the habit was difficult. As time passed getting through uncomfortable feelings without turning to alcohol was my biggest challenge. After 2.5 years of sobriety it is still a challenge at times, although it has gotten significantly better. I don’t post much but when I feel myself weakening I immediately read Sober Recovery. I read about the suffering people are experiencing as a result of their drinking. I read about how lives have improved in sobriety. To date that approach has not failed me. The posters on Sober Recovery always wake me up to the reality that the few hours of relief that alcohol can provide is not worth the dreadful, terrifying, potentially life threatening consequences that come with it.
I don’t do a particular program. My plan is to not drink today, whatever it takes. It has definitely gotten easier over time. In truth sometimes life is still really hard. I did not know where this journey would take me and life keeps unfolding in interesting and unexpected ways. What I can say with certainty is that with all the struggles, challenges and discomfort I endure in sobriety I would absolutely choose the life I have today vs the life I was living with alcohol.

Nonsensical

Stop pouring alcohol into your mouth.
Problem solved.

Unless what you really mean is you don't know what to do after the last bender's fear and loathing has worn off, so you return to the bottle.
That takes work. And practice.

You'll quit drinking soon. A week later you'll want to drink again. Make a plan for that. Work the plan for that.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

tornrealization

I think I’ve listened to this exact Tool song many times, drunk, frustrated, tears running down my face. Oh how I wishes I could be sober! Except it didn’t happen that way at all. I didn’t wake up and sober. It was work. Yes, commitment and work. I started strongly with a one year goal. I knew I needed and wanted permanent sobriety but I couldn’t commit to that yet. I could commit to a year. It was challenging. I did it though and now music enjoyment is back but not so sad for me.

I dare say I even Romanticized my sadness and drunkenness…kinda like hey all these rockstars and songs! I’m edgey, I’m deep, or maybe like I’m hopeless.

This particular song also has lyrics about how how selfish and narcissistic it can be. I want what I want.

So let’s see, I’m closing in on 2.5 years sober and I still love this song. It feels different, I’m not depressed with it. I’ve overcome but it’s a reminder of hell…and waking up with headphones on with songs looped.

I think you can get here too. Sober and empowered.