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Alcoholic sister

Old 06-27-2021, 03:06 PM
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Lucasigirl
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Alcoholic sister

Hello,
My name is Brenda. I live in Iowa, my family lives in Los Angeles.. I grew up with a family that are Alcoholics. Not sure what the right term is for a person that drinks everyday but still functions throughout the day, but that would be most of my family.. I am the only one that doesn't drink every day but will occasionally.. Never been to fond of the stuff.. My sister is 44 years old has two young boys and is a partner in an Antique shop with my mother (she is 69yr. old) It has gotten to the point when Its my sisters day to work she is to drunk to go and my mother has to cancel whatever she has going on to open the shop and work it all day ( shop opens at 11:00 am) When my sister is in that state I myself cannot be around her or talk to her whatsoever or It will end with me putting her in check and I dont want my nephews to see that at all! Its hard for me to help my mother deal with my sister because I live so far away.. My mother is retiring in one year but as of right now she is wanting to end the partnership and be done with her.. My mother shouldn't have to cover for my sister.. Lord my mother is 69 she has doctor's appointments, buying inventory appointments etc. Anyway that is just the tip of the iceberg on this and would really appreciate anybody's option on what we can do for my sister...

Thank you,
Brenda
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Old 06-27-2021, 03:22 PM
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In a nutshell Bd your sister is not going to change her drinking habits until she herself wants that change. Hackneyed I know. But still it's true.

Would it be possible for both you and your mother to talk with her about impact it's having. Has any discussion ever taken place?

Sometimes, not always, it takes the standing firm by family members to incite this change. Others making it clear what they are prepared to tolerate. And if the standing firm does not work in having her consider change, at least you no longer have to tolerate it. The consequences of excessive drinking....for your sister. Consequences can incite change too.

Sorry about your Mum. Its not fair. Someone needs to say something when the drinking gets in the way of other people's lives.

Look after yourself.
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Old 06-27-2021, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Bdonaldson13 View Post
Anyway that is just the tip of the iceberg on this and would really appreciate anybody's option on what we can do for my sister...
Not a whole lot you can do if your sister isn't willing to accept the help and willing to quit drinking. Perhaps look at ways you can help your mom that don't center around trying to get your sister sober. I understand that would fix a lot of things, but it will also drag you deeper into the chaos of alcoholism.
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Old 06-27-2021, 03:43 PM
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Brenda, when the drinking gets that bad there's not a whole lot that can be done until the drinker wants to quit and is 100% committed to getting sober. Only your mother can create the boundary for what she will tolerate, but it sure sounds like she's carrying far more than her share of the load. If your Mother is willing to retire early or dissolve the business if your sister continues to drink on her workdays, that is her right. Short of that, I don't see much changing unless you sister decides to get sober.
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Old 06-27-2021, 03:47 PM
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Lucasigirl
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Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it! Yes she has been confronted by many individuals, ex-husband, boyfriend and Mother, but she will not listen at all.. My sister is "SPOILD" when younger and now, so she is very selfish. So it pretty much started when she divorced her high school sweetheart. I'm really just concerned about my mother and what steps she should take in the business and her personal life.. Her goal was to work one more year then retire and move back to the midwest to live the rest of her days.. Shes very concerned about the children, she feels if she leaves now she will be abandoning them...
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Old 06-27-2021, 04:07 PM
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Hi and welcome Brenda
I hope your mom decides to do whats best for her

D
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Old 06-27-2021, 04:07 PM
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Don't want to draw too long a bow Db but maybe a good idea for your mother to speak with a therapist? Mother guilt is a powerful thing. I know this from my own experience. Experience of others.

If not therapist maybe AlAnon? Support similar to AA, but focussed on the family of people with problem. We also have a "Family and Friends" forum here. If not your mother, maybe you'll find it useful?

I hope your mother retires to the mid west free from the constraints òf motherhood. Except for the good bits.

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Old 06-27-2021, 04:17 PM
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THANK YOU ALL FOR THE ADVICE!! I'm sharing this with her and I know she will also appreciate the feedback...
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Old 06-28-2021, 01:11 AM
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You mentioned that you grew up in a family of drinkers? Does that include your mother? Just because the rest of the family can keep a handle on drinking for whatever reason does not follow that your sister will be able to do so. I'm just wondering, apart from you, what role models she has had, and continues to have, to show her the perils of drinking too much on a daily basis? As your mother is already running the business is there anyway your sister might be able to attend an outpatient or inpatient rehab? Is there anyone who could look after her kids temporarily? Maybe you in the kids summer holidays?
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Old 06-28-2021, 02:31 AM
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Welcome, glad you found us.

Sorry for the very sad situation that brings you here. I hope you are finding relief in being able to talk about this with people who understand.
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Old 06-28-2021, 06:02 AM
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The general consensus on this is that alcoholics must cure themselves. But it's not black and white either. I cured myself, but I had to reach out to others to do that. OK, OK reaching out is something I had to do by myself and on my own, so you can maybe argue that it is still up to the alcoholic.

A few years ago, holding interventions were all the rage. It even became a Hollywood Movie cliche'. I haven't heard much about them any more, so I'm guessing they weren't all that effective, but we don't know that either, because if there is any sociological data to support interventions as a cure, it is not widely published. We don't actually know if holding a family intervention is going to work.

This is not to say, it's not worth a try. The fact is we have little data supporting any particular program or method that gets people sober. All we know is that is that any of the common methods work... if only sometimes, and that most recovered alcoholics do it entirely on their own.

I would talk to your sister about her drinking. Be honest with her about what she is doing to herself and her family. Do it without worrying too much about if you are doing it right. Just understand that she is not intentionally an alcoholic, but that getting well is possible if she wants it. But know that what you can do is very limited.
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Old 06-28-2021, 07:05 AM
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I think interventions and social confrontation can only make a difference if the person already has some significant openness to trying different perceptions and changing behavior. Probably similar to how court orders also may or may not help an addict. I (an alcoholic who never had more than ~3 months of sobriety in my ~15 years drinking career yet) had a interesting experience with a very mild version here on SR a couple weeks ago, when a bunch of members gave me a bit of hard time on the forum about my perpetual lies. It may have seemed ineffective from the outside, for those who were trying to confront and challenge me, but it did trigger a lot of reflection, the types I'd never seriously considered earlier. I think it was great, the safest way possible, done by strangers on an anonymous forum... it gave me a taste for what could possibly also happen in more important domains of my everyday social life and reality if I continued doing things the way I had been. A great opportunity to grasp and use the experience before things get worse and I would have to deal with more serious damage, loss of trust, reputation etc in my life.

I'm posting this here because it's quite clear in my mind now that similar would not have affected me whatsoever a few years ago, because I was so guarded and did not leave any surface of receptivity and vulnerability open to be influenced, even by people who had been in the same boat and clearly understand. I also guarded everything very carefully from my family, even avoided meeting them in person where any signs could have been detected better. I don't know if one can speed up this process even internally, but am quite convinced that little can be achieved merely by external feedback, in the absence of inside interest and willingness. I think people also differ in this, I know I have been especially stubborn and manipulative, not fazed either by compassion or criticism, had that almost ironclad "my way or the highway" attitude when it came to protecting my drinking throughout my alcoholism, even thought I talked about recovery for many years. It's getting different now only because things inside of me have changed (and that was not initiated by specific events or external feedback), but even that may not be so easy to see for others, and it'll only develop further if I remain sober longer than a few months. I imagine that interventions by real lifer family and friends can be much more dramatic in its effects if the addict is somewhat open to it, but could also lead to even more isolation and manipulation if they are not receptive. I'm not sure how much people on the outside can sense if someone is ready for such influence or not as I never tried it with someone else. Perhaps one useful sign is to see how defensive she becomes upon challenge and confrontations?
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Old 06-28-2021, 04:02 PM
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To answer one of the questions that was asked, yes my mother did drink all thought my sister and I life, She was a "only at home and done with work kind of drinker".. My Grandpa (mothers side), Alcoholic but not until after 12 noon.. Grandma (mothers side) Alcoholic... I never known her to drink but she drank heavily when my mother was young.. There was always alcohol at family gatherings... Us cousins were aloud to drink at gatherings even if we were underage.. Like I said I'm the only one in my family that didn't drink on a daily basis just never liked it much... My mother has quit drinking in the past few years for my sister, As she thought it would help my sister with her quitting also. Didn't help at all...

Update: Mother just inform me that my sister is going in to a 30 day program... She wanted to do this herself nobody talked her into it.. I told my mother not to get excited because my sister has lots of issues she needs to deal with and this is just the start of a long process, so we will see... Thank you all for your input it has helped alot. Thank you again Brenda
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Old 06-28-2021, 04:16 PM
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I wish the very best for your sister, and for you and your mom Brenda. Many people have started a lifelong sober journey with inpatient and I hope your sister will be one of them

D
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Old 06-29-2021, 06:47 PM
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If it were me, I would refuse to be around or even talk to my sister while she has been drinking.
And I would have a candid discussion with my mother about cutting her out of our lives until she gets sober on her own because she wants to.
If that involves legal action and restraining orders, that's what it involves.
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