Re3sy

Hi. I’m in desperate need of some advice now. The man I love is an alcoholic. Why do I feel like it’s my secret to keep? I love this man and I told him he will always have my support whether there is a future for us or not. He just keeps pushing me away and every time he falls off the wagon I am always the first casualty. I have absolutely no-one to talk too, I never know which version of him I am going to get day to day, and I’m struggling so much with the uncertainty and worry. I know his struggle is worse it just seems he has me for support but who have I got??’!!

venuscat

Hello dear Re3ey s ❤️

I can hear how much you love your man. xxx
Have you two talked about him stopping drinking? Maybe doing rehab?

It sounds to me like your struggle is very real and very painful....and I am really glad you came to talk.
I know there are so many people here that have been through this....and I am sure you will get lots of advice that will help xxx

I would just like to say take care of you here....make sure you look after yourself. ❤️

Anna

Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation.

Be sure to take care of yourself. and you will find support here and you might like to check out AlAnon in your area as a support for you.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope you'll get some support for yourself. AlAnon is a good resource. We also have forums here just for friends and family of alcoholics. Take a look and ask questions. Might be some good support there too.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Steely

In the end I think it boils down to not being 'made' a casualty. And this is hard when you care about the person.

I think it amounts to boundaries in the end. If he's drinking his behaviour is not going to change. And change is what you're looking for.

I'm learning about the setting of boundaries, too. And it does make you stronger.

I hope you can talk to him frankly about the way you feel.

Hevyn

Welcome Re3sy - we're so glad to have you with us.
I hope you'll check out the forum that Least mentioned - there are understanding people here.

I hope being able to talk things over here will help you feel less alone. We care about you.

Steely

If I can put a boundary between me and alcohol, why can't I do it with people who make me feel bad?

Dee74

Hi and welcome Re3ey

I'm sorry for what brings you here but you'll find a lot of support.

It doesn't read like you're getting much out of the relationship right now.

If this was a friends problem what would you advise them to do?

D

Hodd

That sounds just like me up until around 3 years ago I’m ashamed to say. Alcohol really does bring out the worst in people. Even I hadn’t had a drink that day, I’d be bad tempered and negative.

The only person who could change that was me I’m afraid.

Your partner won’t change unless he decides to. You could encourage that, but it would have to be by doing something drastic such as walking out. Sorry I can’t be more positive. Drinkers are Incredibly selfish, but once free of alcohol, they’re far nicer.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, sorry for what brings you here.

I found working the Al-anon program an enormous help to me. It encouraged me to put my focus on myself and what I needed to do to build a good life for me, it also gives tools to cope with being around a drinker.

You may wish to think about whether a life with an alcoholic partner is the life you want for yourself.

Alcoholism gets worse as time goes on unless the person seeks out sobriety for themselves and then works hard at it. The drinker has to be ready to do so.

We cannot "love" drinkers well. They have to do it themselves.

Surrendered19

Hi Re3sy. All I can say is that you get to live your life too. Healthy people decide how they want to live, what their values are, what they can accept and what can be forgiven. Then they make it happen. That space you carve out might include the person you love and it might not. But you will sleep so much better and you will regain some control over your day-to-day existence. And, it will let him know in no uncertain terms what the conditions of continued admittance into your life are.

Take care and I hope you are safe.

Scd619x

I would concentrate on you and get some support for you. These situations sometimes work out and sometimes not, but either way getting support for yourself is the right move now. Have you tried Al-Anon or getting a counsellor?

ScottFromWI

Welcome Re3sy - I hope that sharing your story is therapeutic, and as others have mentioned please check out our friends and family of Alcoholics to meet people who are ( or have been ) in the same situation you are currently in.

A couple of things - his addiction is not your secret, nor your cross to bear. Supporting him also does not mean accepting his behavior towards you as a result of his addiction. He, and he alone is the person who needs to change. And right now, as hard as it may be to hear, you and your relationship are less important to him than drinking. The person you love is still in there somewhere, but until he makes the decision to quit drinking you'll never see that person again unfortunately.

Boundaries are very important to maintain in this kind of situation. First off and foremost, abuse be it verbal, emotional or physical is never OK. If you are in danger, you have every right and should do everything to protect yourself. That might eventually require you to physically leave the situation even, so be prepared to do that. As others have mentioned there are support groups you could reach out to locally as well.

Re3sy

thank you. It’s so hard to deal with. We talk about it all the time. He just cannot seem to stop this time. And then come the lies and pushing me away and becoming so distant. I just don’t know what to do anymore xx

venuscat

s I so understand not being able to stop. I was that person for a lot of years.
I think the truth in the end was that I had not been willing to stop....and I needed to change my mind about that.

If your partner is willing, perhaps you can help him get into detox.
Those 5-7 days can make so much difference. A new beginning.
And then perhaps he will be open to a counsellor and/or a recovery program.

Sending you so much love.....this is so very hard on our partners and families. ❤️

Re3sy

This actually made me cry. Because everything you said I know in my heart is true. Our relationship is way more complicated than just his drinking and I told him I would always stick by him. This was before he started drinking again. So I feel I cannot just up and leave him now because if I do - I then become like him and break my promise to him, so I’m just stuck in limbo waiting for him to sober up. But when he does he goes cold turkey and suffers and he doesn’t let me help then I worry about his health. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I act as if I have the most perfect partner when in reality I cry myself to sleep every night. This **** situation is so cruel.

Re3sy

I wish I could just leave him but I fear if I do he will drink himself to death and have no-one to support him as our getting together displeased a hell of a lot of people. I couldn’t live with myself for doing that to him. Everybody needs somebody spurring them on right?? But it’s just heart breaking tbh xx

RAL

Hi and I'm sorry for what brings you here. Does he want to stop drinking? Does he admit he has a problem?

As others have said there is nothing you can do about this apart from taking care of yourself. think years down the line -do you want to be married to an alcoholic and bring children up in that turmoil and fear. Your Love for him isn't enough. It has to work both ways with respect and care and actions, not just words. It's not your responsibiltiy to save him and you can't cure him.he has to want toget sober himself.

Re3sy

I am not to be honest. But I cannot just walk out on him. If this was someone else’s problem I would tell them to leave. Of course straight away. But it’s not someone else’s it’s mine and I cannot think straight to be honest. I walked out of a 20 year emotionally abusive relationship (married 15 years) straight into this guy who was the complete opposite and I fell hard and now I feel so stupid. Was it all a lie?? He says he wants us to move in together there is no-one else then next day I’m lucky if I hear from him - so I really don’t know how to cope with this situation tbh 🤷‍♀️ X

venuscat

Oh gosh love, I would get out now. ❤️