Hello 👋
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,920
I wish I could just leave him but I fear if I do he will drink himself to death and have no-one to support him as our getting together displeased a hell of a lot of people. I couldn’t live with myself for doing that to him. Everybody needs somebody spurring them on right?? But it’s just heart breaking tbh xx
You could approach it from the health angle. My wife’s friend’s husband drank for years, and it was probably less than me. They were diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and now need a transplant. Whilst waiting for this (if it happens), he has to go to hospital almost every day to get fluid drained from his abdomen. There’s zero quality of life for the husband or his wife.
I went for a liver fibroscan a couple of years back. It’s a test to measure the stiffness if the liver. It should be nice and supple but fibrosis and later cirrhosis make the liver stiffer. My liver was borderline OK, but a few individual readings were above normal. I reckon I really had been 1 or 2 years from ending up like my wife’s friend.
I was gradually worn down by news stories of alcohol being so harmful to health. Maybe that’s the approach you take, but to repeat myself I’m afraid it’s only the drinker who can decide to quit.
Hope it works out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Uk
Posts: 12
Hiya
Hi and I'm sorry for what brings you here. Does he want to stop drinking? Does he admit he has a problem?
As others have said there is nothing you can do about this apart from taking care of yourself. think years down the line -do you want to be married to an alcoholic and bring children up in that turmoil and fear. Your Love for him isn't enough. It has to work both ways with respect and care and actions, not just words. It's not your responsibiltiy to save him and you can't cure him.he has to want toget sober himself.
As others have said there is nothing you can do about this apart from taking care of yourself. think years down the line -do you want to be married to an alcoholic and bring children up in that turmoil and fear. Your Love for him isn't enough. It has to work both ways with respect and care and actions, not just words. It's not your responsibiltiy to save him and you can't cure him.he has to want toget sober himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Uk
Posts: 12
Thank you.
I feel your pain as my wife was in your shoes previously. I’ll be brutally honest again and say (with massive shame) that my wife made no difference back then. I’d drink anyway, and if that makes me sound a terrible husband, I agree.
You could approach it from the health angle. My wife’s friend’s husband drank for years, and it was probably less than me. They were diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and now need a transplant. Whilst waiting for this (if it happens), he has to go to hospital almost every day to get fluid drained from his abdomen. There’s zero quality of life for the husband or his wife.
I went for a liver fibroscan a couple of years back. It’s a test to measure the stiffness if the liver. It should be nice and supple but fibrosis and later cirrhosis make the liver stiffer. My liver was borderline OK, but a few individual readings were above normal. I reckon I really had been 1 or 2 years from ending up like my wife’s friend.
I was gradually worn down by news stories of alcohol being so harmful to health. Maybe that’s the approach you take, but to repeat myself I’m afraid it’s only the drinker who can decide to quit.
Hope it works out.
You could approach it from the health angle. My wife’s friend’s husband drank for years, and it was probably less than me. They were diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and now need a transplant. Whilst waiting for this (if it happens), he has to go to hospital almost every day to get fluid drained from his abdomen. There’s zero quality of life for the husband or his wife.
I went for a liver fibroscan a couple of years back. It’s a test to measure the stiffness if the liver. It should be nice and supple but fibrosis and later cirrhosis make the liver stiffer. My liver was borderline OK, but a few individual readings were above normal. I reckon I really had been 1 or 2 years from ending up like my wife’s friend.
I was gradually worn down by news stories of alcohol being so harmful to health. Maybe that’s the approach you take, but to repeat myself I’m afraid it’s only the drinker who can decide to quit.
Hope it works out.
As Scott said, supporting him doesn't necessarily mean being there to help him every day along the way, to the point that it's affecting you emotionally and probably physically, too. Being pulled in and then pushed away again and again must be very hard. I hope you don't continue to wait for the final penny to drop because that could be devastating for you.
Bottom line, he's lying to you and that is very typical of addiction. You have shared multiple examples of his lies and abuse towards you, and all of that will continue - and likely get worse - if he keeps drinking.
A couple of comments you made in other replies - one was that you are afraid to leave for fear that he might drink himself to death. While rare, that can certainly happen - but also know that he could just as easily drink himself to death if you don't leave. AKA - Your presence in the relationship only guarantees the abuse and the lies, you have virtually no control over whether he stops drinking or not. Certainly it's not a hopeless situation - some people do indeed get sober and change their ways, but from what you've shared here he's just talking and not taking any action. If you would decide to stay, you also would need to be prepared that the way he is now might be the way he is for the rest of his life, and potentially a lot worse.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,600
As you say when he us drinking you are his last priority. It doesn't really matter how good the relationship is when he is not drinking. The reality is you are not being put first. You have gone from one abusive relationship to another. Alcoholics are pretty good at finding g people who allow them selves to be treated badly.
Please put yourself first. Please get help and work on your self worth and self respect to realise you are worth so much more than this and deserve so much better
Please put yourself first. Please get help and work on your self worth and self respect to realise you are worth so much more than this and deserve so much better
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Uk
Posts: 12
Thank you
s I so understand not being able to stop. I was that person for a lot of years.
I think the truth in the end was that I had not been willing to stop....and I needed to change my mind about that.
If your partner is willing, perhaps you can help him get into detox.
Those 5-7 days can make so much difference. A new beginning.
And then perhaps he will be open to a counsellor and/or a recovery program.
Sending you so much love.....this is so very hard on our partners and families. ❤️
I think the truth in the end was that I had not been willing to stop....and I needed to change my mind about that.
If your partner is willing, perhaps you can help him get into detox.
Those 5-7 days can make so much difference. A new beginning.
And then perhaps he will be open to a counsellor and/or a recovery program.
Sending you so much love.....this is so very hard on our partners and families. ❤️
When struggling with the question of boundaries myself, found that unless I acted on the problem in some way, nothing changed. Why should it? There there were no consequences for the person.
I'm not suggesting you leave, but to think about some action you could take to show you are both serious, and utterly over it.
Yes, your life could be much worse. It could be ten years into the future, no change.
Check out 'Family and Friends of Alcoholics', here. Talk with those who've travelled same path.
You can change. It's a good feeling.
I'm not suggesting you leave, but to think about some action you could take to show you are both serious, and utterly over it.
Yes, your life could be much worse. It could be ten years into the future, no change.
Check out 'Family and Friends of Alcoholics', here. Talk with those who've travelled same path.
You can change. It's a good feeling.
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