Hodd

I feel your pain as my wife was in your shoes previously. I’ll be brutally honest again and say (with massive shame) that my wife made no difference back then. I’d drink anyway, and if that makes me sound a terrible husband, I agree.

You could approach it from the health angle. My wife’s friend’s husband drank for years, and it was probably less than me. They were diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and now need a transplant. Whilst waiting for this (if it happens), he has to go to hospital almost every day to get fluid drained from his abdomen. There’s zero quality of life for the husband or his wife.

I went for a liver fibroscan a couple of years back. It’s a test to measure the stiffness if the liver. It should be nice and supple but fibrosis and later cirrhosis make the liver stiffer. My liver was borderline OK, but a few individual readings were above normal. I reckon I really had been 1 or 2 years from ending up like my wife’s friend.

I was gradually worn down by news stories of alcohol being so harmful to health. Maybe that’s the approach you take, but to repeat myself I’m afraid it’s only the drinker who can decide to quit.

Hope it works out.

Re3sy

Thank you for your reply. He says he wants to. And yes he admits he is an alcoholic but where before he would always be honest with me, lies about everything. I know it’s his struggle but when he is sober he is an amazing guy. I really don’t know how I would live with myself if I finished it. I mean I know and he knows that I know (lol) that I am his last priority when he is drinking, and I have no idea why when I’m the only one supporting him. I am so bloody confused right now 😔😔x

Re3sy

He is a very healthy man - drinking aside. Always in the gym at the age of 50 and getting sober replaced the alcohol with the gym and is in amazing shape for a man his age - even got himself a six pack!! But he says he is controlling his drinking and not drinking so much but has actually gone to the pub and had about 4 massive blow outs in 10 days. He isn’t controlling him it’s the other way round. He has talked to his counsellor apparently, but not sure if I believe that and he says he is going to get sober again soon but is this just another lie - I’m sure it is. So he knows the implications of his health as he has watched his older brother’s struggles with alcohol and how it has affected his life. But nothing is making that final penny drop for him xx

Anna

As Scott said, supporting him doesn't necessarily mean being there to help him every day along the way, to the point that it's affecting you emotionally and probably physically, too. Being pulled in and then pushed away again and again must be very hard. I hope you don't continue to wait for the final penny to drop because that could be devastating for you.

ScottFromWI

You cope with it by protecting yourself and being prepared to leave if you need to. Coming here to get advice was a good idea, you have other resources available locally and via hotlines too so please reach out to them.

Bottom line, he's lying to you and that is very typical of addiction. You have shared multiple examples of his lies and abuse towards you, and all of that will continue - and likely get worse - if he keeps drinking.

A couple of comments you made in other replies - one was that you are afraid to leave for fear that he might drink himself to death. While rare, that can certainly happen - but also know that he could just as easily drink himself to death if you don't leave. AKA - Your presence in the relationship only guarantees the abuse and the lies, you have virtually no control over whether he stops drinking or not. Certainly it's not a hopeless situation - some people do indeed get sober and change their ways, but from what you've shared here he's just talking and not taking any action. If you would decide to stay, you also would need to be prepared that the way he is now might be the way he is for the rest of his life, and potentially a lot worse.

RAL

As you say when he us drinking you are his last priority. It doesn't really matter how good the relationship is when he is not drinking. The reality is you are not being put first. You have gone from one abusive relationship to another. Alcoholics are pretty good at finding g people who allow them selves to be treated badly.

Please put yourself first. Please get help and work on your self worth and self respect to realise you are worth so much more than this and deserve so much better

Re3sy

he has a counsellor and is going to do a 5 day programme so he says. I don’t even know if I believe him or not. He will get the meds he needs too but he just gets too over confident when taking them saying he can handle it after a couple of weeks and stops taking them then starts drinking again. I’ve pulled right back because of how he repeatedly hurts me and he has noticed and even though he is the one trying with me now, I know I’m nothing more than his safety net that he doesn’t want to lose 😩😩 like could my life be any worse right now x

Steely

When struggling with the question of boundaries myself, found that unless I acted on the problem in some way, nothing changed. Why should it? There there were no consequences for the person.

I'm not suggesting you leave, but to think about some action you could take to show you are both serious, and utterly over it.

Yes, your life could be much worse. It could be ten years into the future, no change.

Check out 'Family and Friends of Alcoholics', here. Talk with those who've travelled same path.

You can change. It's a good feeling.