Back again, starting over

Old 06-23-2021, 10:38 AM
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Unhappy Back again, starting over

Hi all,
Just coming here for a bit of support and trying to do something different. I'm struggling REALLY hard. My relationship with alcohol has never been healthy and I've tried to quit completely so many times but it's my go to coping mechanism and I've not had a lot of luck. I've tried multiple things, therapy, counseling, inpatient, etc. And I'm okay for a while, but I keep coming back to it.

I recently had lab work done and my liver levels are elevated. So I have to quit... for good. And completely. And I'm just scared. My mental health is really bad right now and I just feel kind of hopeless like I'll just never get over this. The alcohol voice in my brain just keeps screaming at me but I don't want to feel like crap any more. I keep trying and at least I'm proud of that but the anxiety and shame is just super overwhelming right now.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but these forums have helped me in the past so I figured I'd try again because I just feel depressed and really mad at myself. I know I need to be kind to myself during the early days of quitting, I think I just needed some support. Thank you for listening <3

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Old 06-23-2021, 10:44 AM
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Hi Kalamitye,

Welcome back. It's pretty normal to feel scared and hopeless when you are about to stop drinking for good. Your AV will try to convince you that you can't cope and manage life without alcohol. And, that's just wrong. You can, many of us do. And, it can seem overwhelming and hopeless at the outset, so writing down a daily plan can be helpful. And, listing things you want/need to accomplish each day can help you feel like you're moving forward, as you cross things off your list.

Have faith that your physical, mental and spiritual health will improve and we're here for you.
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Old 06-23-2021, 10:59 AM
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Welcome back. Being kind to yourself is a good idea.
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Old 06-23-2021, 11:18 AM
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Howdy and welcome...
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Old 06-23-2021, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Kalamitye View Post
Hi all,
Just coming here for a bit of support and trying to do something different. I'm struggling REALLY hard. My relationship with alcohol has never been healthy and I've tried to quit completely so many times but it's my go to coping mechanism and I've not had a lot of luck. I've tried multiple things, therapy, counseling, inpatient, etc. And I'm okay for a while, but I keep coming back to it.
Alcohol was never a good coping mechanism for me. If the world sucked, or I was betrayed, or in pain, I would still be all those things and drunk besides. I even realized that when I was drinking. I drank because I was addicted, and without alcohol, my body and mind would only be relaxed by the consumption of more alcohol. Maybe it's different for others, but it wasn't for me. When I finally quit, I actually had fewer things to cope with, because many of those things that required coping were caused by my drinking. Those that required coping, but were not alcohol related, became easier to deal with. From my experiences, I don't believe alcohol helps us with any of our problems, and just creates additional problems to those that are already there.

It may be that the thing that made it hardest for me to stop was that I held on to this idea that I must allow for those rare special occasions when a drink would be required (for example, some problem where alcohol would be the only way to cope). But there is a logical flaw with that belief. There is no occasion, not one on the whole planet that requires the use of alcohol, but as an alcoholic that did not seem possible. Now I see clearly how wrong that belief was.

Also, accepting that I would not, or need not, have another drink in my life eased my reservations about maybe needing to allow for that special occasion. This is a critical understanding. If you are holding out for such a situation, you are not committed to quitting. You either drink or you don't drink. You can't have it both ways, and there is no special situation that requires it. Accept that you are done for good. It's not as hard as it sounds, but it's one of those things as a practicing alcoholic, you can't see. Now if you are a normie, maybe you can have it both ways. If you are an alcoholic you simply don't have the luxury, and you have to let go of that fantasy. For me, that made the whole recovery thing possible.

Ask yourself are you all in, or are you out? Yes or no? This is a binary situation, and you cannot weasel a third alternative into the question or the solution. When you answer either yes or no, you will know if you are prepared to start a new life.
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Old 06-23-2021, 11:56 AM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
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Thank you everyone, I appreciate the support and the encouragement. I just feel really rough today, my head is foggy and dizzy and having the bad test results has my anxiety through the roof. I get stuck in the "hair of dog" cycle, which is how I think it ended up getting as bad as it got. I'm really angry at myself and the guilt/shame is just eating at me today. I know I have to quit for good, I'm resolving myself to it because it's now really affecting my health. I think I've just been lying to myself about it for years. It just seems massively overwhelming at the moment, but chatting here does help, so thank you
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Old 06-23-2021, 11:57 AM
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Welcome Kalamitye.

It really doesn't have to be this way, the way you are feeling now.

I can assure you I've tried, and relapsed countless times myself. Slow learner. Glad I persisted tho. It is so much better. 18 months.

I hope you continue to post because important to share with others your struggle, and why all of us are here.

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Old 06-23-2021, 12:00 PM
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Well, you have to detox yourself. Try to hydrate and eat something...self directed shame isn't going to help. Just relax and take it...I hope it's not to bad.
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Old 06-23-2021, 12:45 PM
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Hi Kalamitye. It is a scary thought getting sober for good but not as scary as not getting sober. It is clearly not making you happy or healthy.

Take a great leap of faith and sober up. Staying sober takes constant awareness of the nagging AV and learning to ignore it, no matter what.

My early months of sobriety were spent walking, mile after mile to the point of exhaustion. If I wasn't doing that I would be pacing the floor. Anything but drink.

It is a battle with the addicted part of your brain that you must keep winning - the real you wants it!

Keep posting and good luck.
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Old 06-23-2021, 03:03 PM
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Hi Kalamitye - Shame and guilt are very powerful emotions and can be crippling, it can seem like they are over-riding everything else. However it is amazing how quickly shame recedes once you start to do the right thing - once you stop drinking and commit to it. Guilt will diminish - because you have started to make amends already - those feelings which are really overpowering - they will start to go - and that will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you. - We are all rooting for you.
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Old 06-23-2021, 04:14 PM
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welcome back Kalamitye

I found using SR - reading and posting daily - really helped me focus and commit to never drinking again.
You may need to make some changes to your life as well, and support really helps IMO.

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Old 06-23-2021, 04:19 PM
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Welcome back! I hope you'll use the support here to help you get sober for good.
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Old 06-23-2021, 06:18 PM
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Great to see you, Kalamitye. We're here to encourage you - you're never alone.

I felt very much the same when I first came to SR. I knew I had to stop for many reasons, but was scared to let go. I had once thought of it as a way to deal with problems - but it was only sabotaging my attempt to handle things. It was making me numb & unable to function properly. Getting free of it in the early days is challenging - it's all we've known for a long time - but you'll make the adjustment, & begin to love your new life.
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Old 06-24-2021, 06:08 AM
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Welcome and congrats on finding this place. It will get you sober if you let it and you do the work. What's the plan?
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