LoveDD

I’m at a point in my recovery where I am realizing I have NO CLUE who I am. Don’t get me wrong I am happily married with two beautiful kids and a good career but I just don’t know on a personal level who I REALLY am. Does that make sense? My life has been consumed by alcohol for so so long I really don’t know what my beliefs, personality and interests are without it. It’s been over 20 years it’s been one of the biggest (if not the biggest) priority in my life. I’m only 35. I’ve been spending time making my kids a priority and enjoying my time with them. I’m starting to enjoy health and fitness again. I’m looking forward to finding myself again. Should be an interesting process.

Kind of just thinking out loud and what other’s experiences are with this?

LoveDD

Dee74

For me it wasn’t so much I had no idea who I was - I’d forgotten who I was.
It was an exciting process to start remembering again

D

RecklessDrunk

They say we stop growing mentally once we start drinking alcoholically. So for me this was from 14 to 41 years old (just about 42)

Its kind of a bad thing I guess, we are immature, we have things to work on. I looked forward to step 4 of AA. I wanted to find out why I'm the way I am and I'm willing to work on myself.

A thought hit me though. This is kind of good. I started thinking I have these middle aged things, a bit above average income and so forth. The freedom 14 year old boys don't have. Middle aged material things and a young boy's love of life. I still think kind of young. I push myself the best I can physically. I can enjoy the football games the way I use to, with a little boy's love of the game. I don't need alcohol to handle the emotions of watching football. Vacation use to revolve around my drinking. Looking foward for months to being the same drunken moron but in a different place. Then just mentally exhausted from drinking all vacation. Of course I would blame it all on the travel, trouble sleeping in strange places.

One thing that had completely disappeared by 14 years old was trust in God. I can sort of see this deteriorating relationship moving right in step with my depression and anxiety. This relationship with a higher power is getting rebuilt in sobriety. I am learning how to live on life's terms.

When I was moderating my drinking it was like a constant carrot hanging in front of me. I was getting from place to place for a long time. Showing up for work, showing up for the gym, but i was living for the drink. Until my drinking and druggin almost took the whole structure that I built completely down.

DriGuy

The closest my experience comes to that, LoveDD, is that when I got sober, I had the feeling that this is who I am. That other guy certainly had an identity, but it was not me. However, like you, I now need to pose the question, "Does that make sense?" I put that in because if I want to pedantic about it, it doesn't make sense. Me and that other guy are really the same person. But it doesn't feel that way.

Now that I've got this far in my response, I have to stop and think. I believe I can make a case that drinking stole my identity. The way I felt and the things I did were not really me, and most certainly not what I wanted to be. OK, OK, it was me drinking sure enough, but drinking changed me, and obviously, it was not for the better. This person I am right now is not only happier and more content, but I believe I'm actually a better person, and the relationships I have with others are better relationships. Something changed.

I wasted part of my life. I wish I could get a do-over, but that can't happen. I wonder where I'd be now if I would not have spent 30 years of my life getting addicted to alcohol? Could I really have been that stupid? Maybe it was just an accident, a really dumb accident. My life was on track and I was doing well until I started drinking. Then I got lost. That was nobody's fault but my own.

Mizz

What a wonderful place to be. To think about who we are. Who we want to be. What we want to do with our time.
What is it that really fills our life and makes us whole? Its a wonderful process.

For myself, I had to remove the things that I know I didn't want in order to discover the who and what of myself. There is enough now. Enough time to enjoy the activities I love. Enough to discover things I didn't know I would love. Alcohol was such a downer, a buzz kill for a productive existence. I want to be able to look back and know that I truly gave this life 100% determination and care. We are on our way! One day at a time.

LoveDD

YES! I definitely think that’s what it is. I’ve forgotten and rediscovering who I am

This exactly! I am actually looking forward to the process. Thanks for the reply.

PeacefulWater12

I have to agree, it is a wonderful place to be in.

Although painful and gut wrenching at times, it is the most extraordinary experience. I think we are very fortunate that we get to do this.

Boondock

"who are you?" said the caterpillar.
Alice replied, " I--I hardly know, sir, just at present --at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then"
" What do you mean by that?" said the caterpillar, sternly." Explain yourself!"
" I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir," said Alice," because I'm not myself you see."
Self discovery is truly a wonderful place to be, because you can become or do what ever you want to do with yourself!!

Scd619x

I didn't have a clue who i was, never did even before starting to drink in my teens. Not an easy journey to find out but is worthwhile.

Anna

DD, I totally lost myself in my drinking years. And, when I stopped drinking and began to heal and recover, I wasn't the person I thought I was. There were good things about myself that I had disregarded and not-so-good things about myself that I needed to accept. I think it's all part of the process of growing and healing. I'm glad you're doing well.

LoveDD

Thanks everyone for your responses I think this is my favorite thread I’ve made so far on this forum and I appreciate all the feedback. Finally getting the energy back to learn and explore.

least

For me, it was more not liking who I'd become when drinking. Critical, depressed, full of doubt. I woke up every morning hating myself. Now that I've been sober a good while, I've come to accept myself as I am, and pleased to know that I'm not the same depressed and depressing person I used to be.

brighterday1234

It’s a wonderful journey discovering who you are again, albeit a very painful one at times too. But it’s so worthwhile and I found it an exciting journey for much of it. I like the person I am and I know I’m an authentic person. I’d have never had that without being an alcoholic who got sober and got into recovery 🙏

tornrealization

This is my experience as well.

I really hated myself and what I considered such a failure. I look back because life did happen and I did go through this, but now I’m going through life sober after the madness and depression. I don’t believe we are mentally and maturity stunted from the age of the first drink but being in the haze has slowed our growth significantly. Not completely.

I feel fortunate to make it to the other side. I feel like it’s a whole new life. Knowing how bad things were and can be makes me appreciate what I’ve built sober, so much more. A level of appreciation I may not have had—had I not been through this addiction gauntlet. Even people who have not had to go through addiction will sometimes wake up and wonder who they are. We grow and change. It just seems to be part of the human experience. Mid life crisis comes to mind.

Its ok to have these feelings. Roll with it and not dwell too much on the past aside from the lessons learned. Work on the present and towards the person you want to be and currently are.

D122y

I relate. The drugged version of myself was a mess, but I accomplished so much.

I don't beat myself up over the "woulda coulda" because I did some cool fun stuff as a drunk.

Plus, I might have made some horrible decision if I was a non drinker e.g. walked in front of a bus.

The clean me is like a new chapter in my book of life. Being a drunk was fun, until it wasn't fun anymore.

To fret about it is a waste of my time. I tend to waste time fretting anyway but it is getting better.

I live in the present because it is a gift. All my money not another minute buy.

Finally, i was very emotional in the first year or so of my born again non drinker days.

I would cry over stuff, in private, pretty easy. Those days are getting fewer.

My brain has adapted a bit to this level of sobriety. Feels pretty cool.

Love love love.

Thanks.

aasharon90

Enjoy the journey as you are still young at heart.

Your being molded into the best, healthiest, happiest,
grateful, honest, kindest, person you are meant to be.

Life is an on going process of learning and growing.

Shine on like a diamond in the sky.

kittencat

I know who I am. I'm just trying my hardest to get back to there.