Shut up AV. Help please
 

So in the last week I've felt pain in my upper right chest, radiating to my back.

Which of course are one of the symptoms of ALD (Alcoholic Liver Disease) - I've been dead scared and sober for the last week... is this it? I googled the symptoms of course, and, well, especially the pain, suits ALD me very well.

Now, it feels like it's getting a little bit better, bit by bit. I also had a checkup at hospital, and it turned out to be 'nothing' but blunt force trauma. (While drunk, I landed hard on my ribs, as well as my back.

However, what bothers me is the AV - Why can't I just.... punch that a-hole out. I feel a bit better, and then I FORGET about how horrible w/ds are -- I mean, I'm so sick of this merry go-round. I think I've been in the hospital for acute withdrawals 3 times in the last 2 months...

I'm sick of this.... now, I was actually scared to death, scared of dying - that's when I made the decision, I've stopped drinking. Let my organs rest and pray I don't die in my 30s
.... but how easy is it to forget the crap you were in - missing the good days - and just turn back?

AV, shut up, you are not helping - you are telling me to pick up some today, but I have quit, remember?

This is so though..

That's right. You don't have to remember how terrible WD's are to stay sober. You only remember that you've quit drinking. For good.

You have to remember that. Not your AV. It's probably already forgot. You don't drink. You remember that. And you don't change your mind.

I talked to a therapist a couple days ago, and this is pretty much the gist of what he said. There's the "addictive" you, and simply *you* - Who makes the decision (you - make the right one and you're on the right track)

I'm about 10 days sober but the I feel the AV is about to break me - it's been 10 years - it's done nothing for me :(

In my experience, the AV does not give up and go away because you got sober. I still hear from mine, although it's rare. But in the early stages, the trick is not to somehow deactivate it. It's too much a part of you, and it is not going anywhere. You aren't getting rid of it for a long time. But it will become less of a bother. It will still be there, but more like an annoying guy that drinks way to much coffee. When that happens, it ceases to be a threat, just a jabbering fool with zero power. It's just words and doesn't have ultimate power over you.

How much it bothers you may correlate to how secure you feel about yourself in your sobriety. When you come to the point where you want to quit for good and commit to that, the AV becomes just background noise, and eventually fades away. The thing to keep in mind is that the AV is only thoughts. Your actions trump your thoughts every time. That's where the center of your power lies.

And of course, no one ever said this was supposed to be easy.

Recovering from active alcoholism requires monumental efforts. It requires a firm dedication to change our lives and to live free from our addiction. Stay the course and keep winning over each thought that tells you to use alcohol. 10 days is spectacular!

This is not easy and it is not supposed to be. Do not be defeated. Thoughts are just thoughts. What we do with those thoughts will make or break us. Onwards and upwards. I believe in you.

I have made it clean this long by learning that I have irreversible brain damage. All of us addicts have it.

It has take the better part of 4 years to pull out to a level of recovery that feels so amazing pretty much all the time. Brain healing/rewiring.

In my first days, weeks, months I had moments of clarity that grew longer and longer. The brain was adapting to what was left of my sanity. If I relapse, it starts over at a deeper hole.

My brain had to learn to produce the dopamine etc. booze had altered. My nervous system had to stabilize.

It hurt so bad and it didn't seem to get better, but I got used to it. Then it got better. That is really important.

Getting used to being uncomfortable. That is where healing happens. That is where success happens.

We stumble over our weaknesses and that is where success lies.

Thanks.

Don't believe everything you feel.
You are tougher than your AV wants you to know.
You can do hard things.
Congrats on 10 days! :c011: :dance1::bigok: :fireworks2 :fest30:

The spiritual solution is what worked/works for me one day at a time 🙏

Congrats on 10 days !!!..Years ago when I had more trouble with my AV than I do this time around. Whenever it acted up I would just picture it as a drunkard, really unhealthy, filthy me. Real skinny, rotten teeth, bloated gut, permanent jaundice, liver spots, blood shot yellow eyes and long dirty finger nails all stained from nicotine....That used to help me it was like start drinking again and that's where your headed. lol

I'm sorry to ask, new guy here, what's an "AV" ???

I think I get that WD = withdrawals.

Thanks,
Max

It's the little con man in your head the addictive voice

When you stick with your recovery, the AV will ease up for sure. I think when the AV feels threatened, as it does now in your case, it will pull out all the stops. That's when you need the firm commitment to stay sober. :)

For me, i wasted a lot of years demonising alcohol and seeing my addiction as an external force like an alcoholic voice pushing me to use again. I managed to stay sober for a number of years through pure grit and AA but that didn't last for me. It was only when i looked at why i drank alcohol and what it gave to me that i finally made headway. Why was alcohol an obvious solution to me no matter how much hurt it had caused me? What was it that alcohol gave to me, imagined or real? Because, for me, the lengths i went to in order to keep alcohol in my life were not for something that i thought held no value to me! For me, alcohol treated my anxiety, it stopped me thinking, i didn't have to be responsible, it just felt like it shut the world the f*** up for a time. So i had a lot to do when i stopped drinking as i had to address all those things in order to stay sober. Wishing you the best.

For me, I always forgot because I didn't do the necessary work to stay connected with the way I felt on day one. Because one thing is for sure, the alcoholic brain does forget the misery. It's unreal how this stuff can bring us to death's door and yet we still go back after a period of sobriety, risking our lives!

You don't have to do that again. This can be your last quit.

What is your plan of distraction? Mine involved lots or sugar and TV. I was on SR 24/7 for the first few months...it was my lifeline to information that kept the sober me alive.

Do you believe that with time, you'll have a better life without alcohol or do you feel you'll always be missing out? That was a big one for me. I couldn't stop until I decided my life will better without booze because I will make it so. And it is!

Trying to moderate was another big one that kept me in the loop. I had to accept once and for all moderation was not for me.

Above all, I never ever EVER romanticize alcohol. As soon as I felt the AV coming on, distract distract distract!

Time can heal, my friend, it really can:)

P.S. as I write this I can see the post from Scd619x above, ditto!

How are you doing now Polaroid?

D

Hope you're ok Polaroid? The 'Addictive Voice' that voice that tells us to drink, has so many different tricks. By making it 'separate' from 'you' it makes it easier to defeat it - shut it down.
A bit like Boondock, I actually found picturing my 'addictive voice' helpful - I used a fox - drunk fox, nasty fox, killer fox, sly fox, seductive fox, whimpering pleading fox, cruel cheating fox, clever, manipulative fox - Well those foxes were shown the door - I don't want them harming my nice, kind, fox who sleeps peacefully now by my side. It's what ever works Polaroid, but you need to find a way that will work for you, something that can help you stick to it when you say - 'I will never drink again' - 'because I will let never you (the AV) hurt me again'.
I hope among all these great posts you find something that gets you through.

I relapsed. I saw it coming, not miles away, but just suddenly.... At the local store they have this huge box of ethanol-based hand sanitizer, I know it's crazy... hand sanitizer....

I do however currently stay in what you could call an 'addicts' home, there are personnel here 24/7, so if I need anything, I can always call them or go to their 'office' (which is more decorated as a cozy room)

After the relapse I had a chat with one of whom works here. I denied that I had been drinking - but I felt so guilty about lying that I sent her a message.... just admitting it all.

Well, that was one day.... I need to remember the BS alcohol has served me for the last 10-11 years

I decided to quit. So damnit, polar, just quit. I found out I've been at rehab 16 (!) times, 2-4 months each. I really miss each and every one of them. Got new friends, was sober, etc.

I'm stubborn, so I will.

By the way, I love that fox.

Well, the pain is getting better, but as mentioned above.... I failed at staying sober.... But that was just 1 day. I'm not going to let it last for a week, a month, two months+, like I've done before.

Hopefully so, Anna. My plan forwards is to change my lifestyle from being a drunk, to exercising more, an try to be more social even how hard it is (as an SA)