I may also mention that what may have triggered the relapse, is that I have another addiction (gambling) - and when I lost almost a whole month's pay, that when I decided to not to give a bloody f-

That addiction has been going on since before I was even legally able to gamble.

Its going to take a lot of hard work to get out from under two or more addictions Polaroid - but you do it day by day situation by situation.

When I had no money I would say eff this stress too - and drink. Which meant even less money and more stress. remember times I then borrowed money for alcohol.

Better choices make for better outcomes all the way down the line. Think about each situation as it presents itself.

If we want change, I think we have to do better than effit.

D

I'm too lucky, maybe too spoiled, that I can always get more money. But you're right about the stress alcohol brings you - I feel it today, I'm so damn shaky (and it get worse every time because of kindling), and anxious.... I'm so anxious I even worry about posting on a forum - But I'm also done with being silent - speak your mind, or what Simon & Garfunkel said "Silence grows like cancer"

I'm supposed to visit a fellow rehab friend on Tuesday (she lives about 30 mins from here), and I need to stay sober until then, as she has the same problem, and I do not want to trigger her.

I'm glad you're not going to starve Polaroid, but my real point is good choices create good outcomes, while bad choices create bad ones,

Time for some wholesale changes man...

D

The root of why I'm (or was, I've quit) drinking is because I have an intense anxiety issue...

Alcohol calms me down - it really calms me down - but it also gets me nowhere.

So, visiting my friend on Tuesday, completely sober, will get me out of my comfort zone... I have no idea how it's going to go, but nothing can be worse than 10 years of alcoholism.

As I'm sure you know, your anxiety may increase in the short term when you quit.
If you feel this visit might be unwise right now, its ok to postpone it.

If not, have an escape plan for visiting your friend, just in case its too much for you.

D

Well, the thing is, she's great at calming me down.... She's been sober too for about a month now, and we've kind of agreed to fight this demon together.

We've coincidentally been at the same rehab centers 4 times....

Well, I was sober for about a week. Been through the usual hell, but guess what happened today?

I just feel so friggin' depressed and stuff when I get into that "crossover" from acute withdrawals to PAWS. I don't see any point in anything. I know a week is way too short, and I cannot believe that, while I like women, always has - I see them more as an inconvenience now when they come into my apartment. Just give me my meds and get the hell out, no need for small talk. No need to ask me how I am, I hate that question, I have no idea how to respond without just crashing the entire ambience, or whatever.

Besides, I said the pain in my back/chest is from blunt trauma. What if they misdiagnosed me? What if I actually have some kind of liver disease. I didn't think I'd see to be 38, but I did. But it still hurts. Anyways I have a session with a doctor tomorrow. While he's a nice guy, I have absolutely no clue how to get him to understand...

WHY, AV? SHUT THE **** UP. Excuse the language.

Summary (or TLDR): I bought alcohol today. After a week sober. And I drank it.

I hope you can get a doctor who hears what you're saying. Maybe even print out a few of your posts here to help?

D

There is a lot of great advice here.

I can tell you the AV gets a hell of a lot quieter over time. Early on, somehow externalizing it (almost as you’re observing the craving/planning/tempting voice as a neural 3rd party) can really help. You can beat it.

Well, if I actually had any toner.
However, the laptop I'm using now is a Yoga, it's like a laptop that can be used as a tablet. If he actually gives a **** (sorry again), I could show him. My notes, my posts on here, whatever describes how desperate I am to get out of this. I know what helps, and what doesn't. That's the problem with doctors, they don't.

Thank you, I will beat it. If not for myself, for my family. I have two wonderful sisters and two wonderful parents. It's just so hard to say it.... I mean, say what you think, when you are sober in early recovery - so hard.