lessgravity

Sometimes I feel like a broken record with my posts on this subject - alas, I yam who I yam. As I have said before I have a wonderful wife who is the healthiest drinker I have ever met. I really shouldn't even categorize her as a "drinker" - she enjoys wine with friends and nice dinners, drinks by herself almost never, leaves half a glass even when partying, can take it or leave it etc etc. These days, as summer is here and my city is opening up to the world again, she has had gone out many times with friends and family and drank. Never to excess. But she enjoys it, it's a break for her from the kids and work and life.

In addition I follow a chef/restauranteur, Frank Prizano, who I really enjoy. He's currently in Italy on a food and wine tour. Seeing him drinking wine with these incredible meals also taps into these feelings of resentment and frustration.

I have to be aware of this resentment creeping into my worldview. I feel it come in the form of judgement, impatience, shortness, jealousy. I hate the feeling. It does not make question my sobriety for a moment. But it does cause me to self-criticize, to get tight with my emotions, to feel frustration.

Broken record? Maybe. Nonetheless SR is the only place I have in my life to express these things. So here I am. Sober as a bird forever though.

silentrun

I sometimes get that way about certain things. Other people have suggested using gratitude and that helps me. Its so easy to get caught up in the negative sometimes. A person can feel resentful about something but it changes nothing except hurts the person engaging in it.

Anna

I think it would help if you could focus on the benefits of sobriety for yourself and your family. Being a non-drinker is not a punishment and I think it's important to get to that place in your mind. I hope you find some peace.

ScottFromWI

I still feel the same way at times when I see announcements of new releases at the brewpub I used to frequent, or if I see a group of friends sharing photos/stories of an event that involves drinking.

A couple of thoughts - the first one being that there are plenty of people participating in the same events ( concerts, family reunions ) who are also not drinking, and not because they are alcoholics. Second - most of the people that ARE drinking at the same event could/would enjoy things just as much if they were not drinking, and they would have no resentments because they were not. It is our alcoholic thinking that makes us believe that alcohol is somehow a requirement to enjoy life.

At the end of the day though, we own our resentments and only we can change our thought processes to get around them. For me personally, that required acceptance of the fact that drinking is not an option, but also that I'm just as free to live a happy life without alcohol. Clinging to the resentments about it only holds that process back.

nez

Yeah, I can watch other people enjoying alcohol and it has no impact on me whatsoever because I am so grateful to be free. Also, I know that at any time I want, the option to drink is open and available to me, but I freely choose the option of not drinking.

I am glad for the people that can enjoy alcohol. I am glad for me that I can enjoy life without alcohol.

I can always have alcohol back in my life, but I am grateful to not want it back in my life. I am grateful that I don't feel as I am missing out on anything by not drinking.

Snowball running unencumbered downhill.

Hawkeye13

LG, I often feel the same way when I drive past the winery next to my house, and see the explosion of gastro-brew pubs in my area the past 5 years. I am a big-time foodie and wish I could go to those places and enjoy the whole experience.

So far I just stay away. I am not as strong in sobriety as you have been, and I know it is a ticket to relapse at this time. I wish I had treated my relationship with alcohol differently from the beginning, but like a divorce, it’s pretty much too late now.

I want to do those things like I once did, but that time is over and I can’t get it back. Yes, sometimes I do resent this, and you can’t un-feel a feeling but you can work with it.

Just wanted to extend some empathy. I think it’s good to express what you are really feeling.

snitch

I do understand. A good friend of mine enjoys her wine and it plays a huge part in her life but at no detriment to her. My sister is the same. I can still go out and eat or meet friends the same as they do but it isn't quite the same experience. I'm not sure it is resentment that I feel. More self pity lol.

However I do get resentful over other things. I have a huge resentment towards my ex programme of recovery and some if its members at the moment. I also have some petty resentments towards some of my friends for things that are really none of my business. And resentment is not good. It eats me up inside.

So 1st off... re the drinking. You know this anyway.. but I just have to remind myself that I react very differently to alcohol than other people. That whilst it looks enjoyable it really is the opposite experience for me and no self pity or resentment will change that. I have to focus on all the positives that sobriety brings me. I am working at the moment to find other hobbies and interests that I would never have done whilst drinking to keep me occupied , to interest me and to unwind and relax me. I know I NEED some new things in my life.

The good old resentments. I pray. I'm not sure if there is a God or not. When I say pray I really mean send out good positive thoughts. Whatever or whomever I have a resentment towards I ask myself to accept them/the situation for how they are/it is and bestow all good things onto them. It does work.. now just got to put it into practice lol

In case no one has told you lately, I think you are awesome and doing amazing and so happy you shared your thoughts here cos I know I am not alone.

❤❤

DriGuy

A classy dinner is just as good without the wine. That's just my opinion, but even as a drinker, I always considered wine as an unnecessary extra, a statement to your partner or group that the occasion warranted a celebratory gesture. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy celebrating, but I just don't do it with alcohol. In fact, drinking wine at a dinner with others today, would symbolize my disrespect for the people I am with. It would turn what ought to be a special dinner into a life wrecking event.

Nonsensical

Last time I drank I woke up in the emergency room and they were calling me John Doe because I didn't have a shred of ID on me.
That felt worse.

Boondock

My first stint of extended sobriety began twelve years ago and lasted for seven years. Back then in the beginning I had many resentments to work out included people, institutions, laws ....etc..You name it I probably resented it in some way. During that time I was still married and my ex's family loved to have get togethers and had them frequently. Everyone there would be drinking except me and at first I felt like I was the odd person out. I wouldn't call it resentment to me it was more akin to envy. Some of the thoughts that helped me through it were. You can't lose what you don't cling to, two or three drinks never did anything for me anyway, and also reminding myself of how much better my life and my health had become. As time went by those feelings of envy just gradually disappeared. Thankfully this time around I don't have any envious feelings. It's more of a good riddance kind of thing.

brighterday1234

Once I got the spiritual awakening/psychic change talked about in the book Alcoholics Anonymous then others drinking really didn’t bother me. In fact I’m just truly grateful I don’t drink as i have a wonderful life because I don’t. The spiritual solution is what worked for me.

DriGuy

There were a few things I had to put added energy into to make sobriety better, resentment was one, but a lot of things seemed to fix themselves (just gradually disappeared) after I quit drinking.

Also, @ lessgravity. One of the things that helps me around other people drinking is that I take a lot of pride in my sobriety. I know, I know, pride is a deadly sin right? Well as with a lot of similar things, much depends on the context. I'm proud of how I turned my life around. I'm not proud in the sense that I expect an award, and my sobriety doesn't make me any more or less than the next guy, but I am proud. I don't mind one bit if people see me as the guy that doesn't drink. I actually like it.

Mizz

I just want to say that I hear you and I appreciate that you have shared here.
This too shall pass and all that jazz

ciowa

Hows it going less gravity? Sounds like you got a good handle on the feeling and the reasons it pops up for you. I haven't felt the resentment yet but I initially had some brief moments of euphoric recall early on when Id see my old bar friends doing their thing.

What I focused on was "what did alcohol bring to the situation for me?" As others have noted, one could participate in all of these things without drinking alcohol so we weren't missing the activities but the alcohol itself. Otherwise we could sit at a outdoor cafe and drink water or soda while everyone drank alcohol. Was it the initial buzz of alcohol? Was it the relaxation that some people feel? I thought a lot about what it was that alcohol added to those moments and for me it was the initial buzz and rush of either adrenaline or the feeling of release Id feel But then those were only short periods because I was never going to stop with that phase and would continue way beyond that point. I made sure to burn that into my recall, first 2 hours good and the next 96 hours awful

lessgravity

It's going great, thank you for asking and thank you to everyone. Man I love this place.

Just to be clear, especially for those of you in earlier stages of sobriety or those of us still stuck in the poison's grip - I have peace. I am at peace and I have happiness and calm and joy and good sleep and great health and earnings and self-trust and wife-trust and my-children's-trust and much much more meaningful, essential, profound, simple and wonderful life gifts that are only mine because of my sobriety. In my fourth year of permanent sobriety- I place my sobriety above everything because it touches and amplifies and keeps safe and reveals all that I most value in my life.

However my friends, like many of us, and sometimes to my own detriment, I can hold two opposing thoughts in my head. I entertain thoughts that are not perfectly aligned with my life or my life's choices. I struggle with procrastination, self-doubt, professional envy. I wish I fulfilled the dreams of my 16 year old self, and like many of us, would also change much in my middle age life. And sometimes I am resentful of normies, what can I say.

But I am still filled with peace and gratitude - two states of mind that I have earned for my self.

And yet - these thoughts, fleeting at times, non-existent at others, more active currently - occur. And I am grateful when they fade. And I am even more grateful for this incredible fking place. Thank you all again.

dwtbd

Do you think missing out is always going to make you feel this way?

I don’t exactly mean that as it ‘sounds’ or reads , I mean do envision a time when this reaction dissipates?

Eddiebuckle

I get why you are frustrated. In early sobriety especially (by that I mean the first year or two) I was uncomfortable being around alcohol or people who were drinking. Since your wife does drink, it's practically impossible to stay away unless you moved out. I don't have advice other than the old saw "if you hang around barbershops long enough, eventually you'll end up getting a haircut."

Alcohol is different for those people than it is for you. The illusion that somehow you should be able to drink normally is something we all must navigate to get and stay sober. The fact is you are an alcoholic and nothing else matters. If all it took was making a decision to stop after one glass, you wouldn't be on SR. Give yourself space when you need it, and find new friends and activities that don't revolve around alcohol. This will pass with time, but to get there you will need to take action when you find yourself in these circumstance.

Good luck!

least

After I lost the desire to drink, I felt no envy or resentment of anyone drinking by me. At first I did, but that was before I became an 'expert' at practicing gratitude. Now I'm just so grateful for my sober life, I can't imagine ever drinking again.

lessgravity

It's a good question and one I've asked myself. Therapy and mediation (along with a committed weight lifting program) have given me the space and time to try and sort out the habits and obstacles that I need to work on. There is a part of me that defaults to a self-critical, self-injurious worldview - doubting my own achievements and potential, comparing myself to others, focusing on my weaknesses rather than strengths - and I see that my resentment/jealousy around drinking/normies is a part of that aspect of my mind.

And in that regard, I continue to work on weakening, silencing, ignoring these kind of thoughts when they arise. They don't control me. They don't effect my life in ways that result in me making decisions that are bad for me. But they do arise. Will I ever be over them completely? I kind of doubt it. At this point in my life it's more about surfing them like I used to surf the urges to drink in my early sobriety. I know the thoughts will pass, I try not to give them credence or authority. And then they pass.

And then it's time to chop wood and carry water. Grateful that I can achieve everything that I can today. Grateful for SR.

Kaily

I think the aftermath of addiction/ resentment is something that you are going to have to accept and live with. Nobody wants to be an addict but some of us are. Nobody wants cancer but some people get it. Not that I mean to compare the two, just trying to say we don't all get what we deserve or want. Life is tough and everyone has problems.

I'm not sure missing out on this should cause resentment. There are plenty of people (like myself) that could never in a lifetime even afford these kind of fine dining experiences. That is life and it is not always fair. I have plenty of resentments but that certainly isn't one of them.

I don't know you but it does seem you have mostly what you want in life, a loving wife and family, good business, holidays and social life. If the occasional niggle from the addicted side of your brain is your only concern then I think you are a very lucky man.