imagen315

Hi all,
I'm new here. Looking for support living with and living an alcoholic spouse. My spouse is on his way out of the military, has seen multiple combat tours, and has secured a good job he enjoys on the civilian side of life. We have 3 children together. I worry about the example he is setting for our kids and if our marriage will survive his choice of alcohol over family.
I look forward to learning and moving forward with support.

Mizz

Welcome.
I am sorry to hear of your spouses alcoholism and please know you are not alone.

I would be worried for the children as well. Recovery from alcoholism requires your spouse admitting and getting help on his own. Unfortunately no one is able to guide an alcoholic into recovery. There is a section on the forum for Friends and Family members of alcoholics. Tools can be learned and utilized so you have boundaries and support when it comes to dealing with the alcoholic in your life. Welcome to the forum!

Anna

Welcome, Imagen,

I'm sorry for your situation and I'm very concerned for your children. Living with an alcoholic parent is very damaging for children and you are right to be concerned about what kind of example the children are seeing. AlAnon in your community could be a good support for you and you will find lots of information and support here as well. Alateen https://al-anon.org/for-members/grou...urces/alateen/ could be a support for your children, depending what age they are. Following are some books for kids of all ages:

For Kids

Auth, Jeannine Emmy's Question
Black, Claudia My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease
Carbone, Elisa Lynne My Dad's Definitely Not a Drunk
Higgins, Pamela Up and Down The Mountain
Hastings, Hill An Elephant in the Living Room - The Children's Book
Jones, Penny The Brown Bottle
Mercury, Catherine Think Of Wind
Palmore, Elaine Mitchell The Dragon Who Lives At Our House
Sinberg, Janice I Can Talk About What Hurts

For Teens

Alateen: A Day at a Time Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
Alateen: Hope for Children of Alcoholics Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
Brooks, C. The Secret Everyone Knows: Help for You If Alcohol Is a Problem in Your Home
Hornik-Beer, E. B For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs
Leite, B. Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs
Porterfield, K. Coping with an Alcoholic Parent

Steely

Welcome imagen.

Agree with others response about children witnessing alcoholism in a parent, and speak from personal experience. My father was alcoholic. It impacted on all of us kids, with additional losses to my brothers who had no real role model. Makes me sad because none realised their full potential. Not always the case, but often can be. Us girls didn't realise ours either, but in different ways.

My father was a good bloke when he was sober, but drunk he was a nightmare. Impacted all of us, in sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle ways. It is really sad, angry making at times, and wish it had not been so.

Having completed multiple combat tours little wonder your husband seeks relief in alcohol. You'd know this better than me, and the statistics speak for themselves. Does he recognise he has a problem, imagen?

I hope you take up on both Mizz's and Anna's advice in availing yourself to the wisdom found in "Friends and Family" forum, here, or perhaps looking into AlAnon.

Good luck to him in succeeding in civilian worklife tho. Numerous combat tours is a heartbreaker, but always remember it is the kids and yourself who come first. I'm standing with the kids. Standing with you.

least

Welcome to the forum! You were right when you said "choosing alcohol over family". The alcoholic has to see that there's a problem and want to correct it. No one can make him do that. It has to come from him.

Do take a look at our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. Lots of good advice there from people who have been thru it or are going thru it now.

Hevyn

It's so good to have you with us, Imagen. I hope you'll find some good information here - please know that we all understand & care.

Dee74

Welcome Imagen

D

enaiddes

Yes, you do need all the support you can get and posting here will help you obtain it.

I would imagine that an active duty military person would be very drawn to alcohol because of what they’ve been through, which civilians are completely unable to imagine. So you have a lot to deal with yourself as you watch this person continually neglecting family involvement.

I wish you all the best of luck and please keep posting for help and support and guidance about what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children in this situation.

Wastinglife

I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was in denial for 30 years. Not hard to grasp that I too became alcoholic. Alcohol was normalized for me at a young age and I really thought that everyone drinks after 5pm. Found out much later that is not the case....

I would like you to know that your spouse will need some help to quit and that addiction is not as easy as just saying "stop drinking ". The withdrawal from alcohol is brutal.

Hodd

You probably don’t want to hear this, but when I finally quit two and a half years ago, the only person who made me quit was me. My wife hated me drinking, and I wasn’t the most pleasant guy when doing so, and whilst she often mentioned my drinking, it fell on deaf ears.

If that sounds horrible of me, I can’t disagree. I regret the wasted years deeply, but all I can do now is try and make up for lost time and try and be a nicer person.

My wife doesn’t drink which was a help once I’d finally quit, but I’m ashamed to say her efforts amounted to zero. She’s overjoyed I don’t drink now, but I don’t think she realises how little a drinker cares or listens to others.

I hope your husband sees the light. Life is wasted on drinkers.