ciowa

Its good to see that you are staying committed to sobriety and have learned a good lesson. Ive heard and seen many people who have full blown relapses after years of sobriety and Ive heard for many its harder to stop. I have a relative who started drinking after 15 years and never stopped and this led to kidney failure and eventually death for them.

What helps me is keeping at the forefront of my mind is that I would never be satisfied with a couple of drinks if I were to go back to drinking. Its impossible for me to put away the booze once I've had a couple. Without a doubt I would drink until I passed out even if its 5 years down the road. And that would only be the beginning. I have absolutely no illusions that I am a normal drinker or could ever become one. If I were to relapse, I will pick up exactly where I left off, no matter with whom, where or why the drinks are happening.

Surrendered19

How you doing Auchie? I appreciate you coming on SR and telling us what happened. It always helps to have a graphic example of how we are never really out of the fight with this thing. Eternal vigilance.

I hope you are back on the sober road. One slip does not cancel 571 days.

Auchieshuggle

Thank you to everyone for your advice and kind wishes. It's nice to read.

@Surrendered19 - I am okay. Still feeling rough today, and didn't want to go to a meeting feeling like I do. However, I am much more positive. Like others have said, I need to learn from this.

I'm not experiencing the craving, which I used to do. In fact, on the contrary, I have just felt ill and didn't derive any pleasure from the experienceat all. It makes me wonder realise just how crazy I have been in the past.

I do fear that sometime in the near future the AV will start with the nostalgia and suggest that the fact I got straight back on the wagon means I can do it again. I think I will need to write myself a wee card, detailing exactly how I feel now, and put it in my wallet.

Thanks again, folks.

Surrendered19

Seriously, you and EllyB really helped me this week. I am at a cabin by myself for a week and although my sobriety is strong, I'd be a liar if I claimed the thought did not occur to me. Who would know? Nobody right? So go buy a bottle of vodka!!!! I'm not near to doing that but you and Elly coming on here when you did was amazing timing for me and many others. Please know that you helped keep at least one of us sober with your sharing.

Steely

Care with a share. Makes the sobriety go 'round. 🎶

Scd619x

I was a year and a bit sober. I had been to the pub for a meal with my sponsor and AA people most weeks for that time, then an old mate who i hadn't seen in ages contacted me so i arranged to meet him at the pub. He came with a guy a didn't know but i thought nothing of it. They ordered their pints and i asked for a diet coke. Then the usual playing of the fruit machine so i said i'll sit it out but i'll come and watch. Then the quiz machine, and by that point they are a few pints in and i am full of diet coke. Laughing and joking at the quiz machine, then the jukebox, getting louder and louder like most people in the pub. It was on about their 5th pint that i thought f*** this i'm going to have a pint, i was just about to when they left the table and went back to the fruit machine which gave me that few minutes to muster up the courage to tell them I'm off. I was out of there like a scalded cat! I walked home about a mile and passed 3 off licences and had to think against myself to stop myself from going in there and getting a carry out. I went home and locked myself in scared witless, depressed and angry. But i didn't drink and on my return to AA and my sponsor and 'buddies' i was applauded and held up as a sober guy! Hmmm. Nope, it took another 3 years but i got to the point that i did what you did, because i didn't learn why i had almost drunk that time in the pub. Sounds like you are well on your way to finding out why you did, and you don't have to wait another 3 years to find out lol! Keep going man, it's not a big deal, it's a gift to learn now rather than later

Hodd

That applies to all of us sadly. We all drank loads before, and it's tragic that ex-drinkers think they can stop, somehow reset and then drink moderately. Not in this lifetime. We need to accept alcohol's beaten us and steer clear.

ciowa

That seems to be the most common response people give when they relapse. "I just thought I could have a couple".

I was sharing an analogy with a friend. I said for me, trying to control drinking would be like being in a burning building and Im seeking refuge in different rooms. I can try to mitigate my situation by hanging out in the "better diet" room, the "getting more sleep" room, the "different brand of beer or type of booze" room and so on and so forth. The room that provides the most illusion of protection is the "not drinking for a long time" room. But no matter where I go, eventually the building will collapse on me.

What I can do is escape it all together. And dont ever go back in there because it might come down on me the very first night. Make a complete exit and be free and clear of all of it.

Hodd

I like the analogy. Or putting your hand in the fire and getting second degree burns, and then doing it again a few months later.

My analogy is the big bully. He gave me a big hiding. He's stronger, bigger and more clever than me and always will be. If I bump into him again, I'll get another hiding. I've tried everything, even being his friend, but he's not interested, just wants to whack me again. Yes, I've read about standing up to bullies. Look at the Nazis! But I'm a coward. I've been beaten by the bully, so I ran away and will keep away.

snitch

Thanks for sharing. After 3 years of sobriety I very nearly picked up a drink myself and my situation was very similar to yours, I went out for my friends birthday to a pub garden and everyone was drinking except me, I could just about handle that as it was in the afternoon and I had some food as well but in the evening we went to a bar. Some people I didn’t know came along and all of a sudden I felt really self conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin and when I was asked by one of them what I wanted to drink I suddenly felt embarrassed to ask for a soft drink. What the hell?!!! I actually ordered a beer! It was 3.9% and I thought oh that’s not that bad I will be able to handle that! Anyway I had the realisation that this was not a good idea and I ended up changing my order but it was close and after I finished my drink I made my exit to leave.

Like you, I went over the why’s and there were a few. 1. As a recovering alcoholic, I had no real business being in that bar. The people I were with were there to drink. 2. I was bored! I wasn’t on the same wave length and I know from experience I do not need to drink to have fun but the plain fact is (for me anyway) that sitting in a bar stone cold sober with drunk people just isn’t fun. It’s boring. 3. I felt really uncomfortable in my own skin and self conscious. One of the main reasons I drank in the first place and I haven’t felt this way for a long time, perhaps because I haven’t been out like that in a long time. I don’t know?

I was very grateful the next day that I hadn’t drunk and I learnt a good lesson But that could very well have been me in your shoes, alcohol is very cunning, baffling and powerful. But one night doesn’t have to turn into a full blown relapse, please please don’t beat yourself up, just dust yourself off and get back on the sober train!!

Auchieshuggle

I've done ten days now! I feel a lot better for that. I think your situation was almost identical to my own, except that you didn't make the bad choice.

From my perspective, I have to accept I have done it and I cannot undo it. However, the alcoholic voice is telling me that "I can control it" precisely because I haven't had a full blown relapse. However, at the same time that's making me nervous! I think I will avoid all pubs in the future. I will always be tempted, I must stay forever vigilant. God bless you.

Boondock

Congrats on ten days!! I know how you feel relapse just causes so much inner turmoil and it's best to be avoided all together. Stay sharp my friend the AV is a wily conniver...

dustyfox

Thank you all especially Auchie, it reminded me of the one time I gave up for a year (the only year in over 30 I was sober for longer than 4 weeks) and at a music concert was handed a glass of wine, and thinking it's just one - drank it - it took me until now, about 4 years later to climb back out of drinking back into the beautiful clean life of sobriety once more. Vigilance and caution at all times, especially as summer nights and get togethers have started to happen and the AV will be wheedling and plotting - just as it did the summer of the music concert where I sipped that wine - and fell straight down the rabbit hole. Never again!

b0glerd69

Hang in there, brother. You know that you can do it and you have learned that pubs are no go. Get back on the wagon.

Auchieshuggle

I did it again last night! I was at home alone watching the football, and I was being inundated with texts from people out watching it. The AV was badgering me - "England are in a final for the first time in 55 years...it's a special occasion." I'm not even English, and like to see them lose. But I also drew Italy in the work sweepstake and was standing to win £90 if Italy won it, so again the AV was at it - "you've got £90 riding on this game, it's special."

I am really hungover. I went as late as I could to the shop, and bought a bottle of wine and three strong beers - 19 UK units in total.

I am really worried I will start again. I stopped drinking eight years ago for 9 months, and then gradually beqan drinking once a month, then weekly, then daily.

I didn't start going to AA meetings last month, as I should have done, because the local ones weren't meeting. However, I will be finding some.

Steely

I'm sorry you drank Auchie, but doesn't mean you have to continue. Posting here tells me you don't want to. Keep posting.

Good about Italy tho. I'm Australian and didn't want England to win either. haha

Spend the ninety quid on something good!

Good to see you back.

Auchieshuggle

Thanks, Steely. I don't ever want to be like I was. It really needs to be a day at a time, and a case of not thinking about tomorrow, but just getting through the day.

Looking at your signature, you have done really well, pal. I have drunk twice since 11 November 2019, however those two occasions have occurred in the last five weeks. I've no intention of drinking today, or tomorrow...but the AV is real.

Dee74

The thing about the AV is it has no arms and legs it can’t go to the shop, can’t get the booze, can’t pour the booze down your throat.

I’m not saying it’s easy to resist - and I’m not saying it’s pleasant to have the argument in your head - but I am saying that you have all the power in the relationship between you and the AV.

It may help to remember that if it troubles you again Auchie?

D

Auchieshuggle

Indeed, D! You're absolutely right. The truth is there is a part of me that was wanting to drink and was reminiscing about a fantasy time when drinking was fun and enjoyable. When those thoughts pop into my head I need to kill them off quickly. The fact I drank five weeks ago and that it didn't turn into a binge, reassured me that I could 'get away with it' again. "It will just be a one off...it's a special occasion..."

I need to galvanise the fear I'm feeling today and use it as motivation to stay off it for good. I need to go to meetings and remind myself why I have stopped. I need to take it one day at a time. Just stopping is not enough for me, I need AA, otherwise there will be more posts like this and it will become a wee habit and before I know it I will be back to my old ways. The withdrawal I experienced last time was horrific. I thought I was losing my mind.


ETA: I should continue to post on here, too. There's a lot of help here and I should acknowledge that. Thanks to you all for your kind wishes and support.

Steely

It is about just getting through the day Auchie, not thinking about tomorrow.

I have been doing pretty well and now find I'm beginning to like the day I'm in.

I've had times where I've only drunk a couple of times during long abstinence, and each time has been an unhappy disaster. Came to know I could never moderate and was always disappointed in myself whenever I tried. It just never worked. I'm so very grateful to have found the sweet spot. And it's so very sweet even if difficult at times. But nothing more difficult than drinking. Nothing.

Kick the winning goal Auchie. You'll be cheerin'.