biminiblue

Well, of course it was pretty obvious lately that you had gone back to drinking and the rambling long convoluted way of posting, and posting YT videos is a dead giveaway.



No one here is going to say, "Sure, harm reduction! Great plan!!"

I hope you find your way out before it kills you, Aellyce. Sobriety IS available to you, but your commitment thus far is just lacking. Good luck.

Dee74

I’m sorry you are still drinking Aellyce.

All I can offer you is the observation that I knew I could do better with my life and the talents I’d been given.
I hope I don’t offend you by saying I think you could make the same observation.

While I could still rationalise my drinking as a viable option, I drank.

Drinking was my paradoxical way of exerting some kind of control over my life.

I also developed a perverse kind of elitism where drinking like I did was like a secret thrill that set me apart from others. Lying gave me a certain thrill too..a little pleasurable power. No one lied better than I did.

Ugh.

It took nearly destroying myself for the scales to really fall from my eyes.

I’m not judging you when I say Its one thing to vocalise what you think people want to hear, but it’s a very different thing to follow the recovery path because you want to, with no caveats.

Drinking yourself to the point of self destruction is not a good way to do it: many people wind up dead, and if you have any other way to stop, do it Aellyce.

Don’t dally with thoughts of harm minimisation when you’re in free fall and the ground is coming up fast.

D

FiveTries

Huge Tool fan here.

My motivations:

Staying alive and physical health.
Being a good father.
Not hating or hurting myself.
Accepting and resolving emotions.
Finding peace.

Mizz

Clear practical solutions are different for everyone.

Below is how I remain sober:

This forum
Nichiren Buddhism
Exercise

That is it.

Steely

Just keep trying and be honest about it to yourself and those of us here who understand.

Seeing a good psychologist might also worthwhile. Trauma counsellor?

Whatever way you reckon Aellyce. Just keep trying and be brutally honest about it.

Social justice theory one of my core values. The rest seems to follow.

Aellyce

I've never tried rehab yet (I lied on this forum that I did, but not true). I know it's a revolving door, and many (most) who did even the most expensive and fabulous-looking treatment relapse... and the real deal comes when people get out of rehab and just live.

I still have the great medical insurance from my last job. I will look into rehab opportunities now that I'm on this vacation, even IOP. I could easily go anywhere right now, including facilities in my city, every day. Perhaps even seeing and interacting with people who've lost it all could be helpful for me.

Aellyce

And agree that I never had a real commitment to sobriety. The one required for AVRT and so on.

Question though: how do you get that commitment?

doggonecarl

Too much thinking. You aren't going to think yourself sober.

doggonecarl

Your value list contained:
(3) Personal integrity and ethics

If you say you are going to get sober, shouldn't those values carry you through that decision. Aren't you committed to your values?

Aellyce

Right, I agree. We've been here many times before. What do you suggest then, carl, apart from less thinking and just not drinking? Something practical? That is my problem. All of you say all the right things, and I know all the right things. Still, I give in to my cravings for alcohol and then go on extended benders like this one. Actually, this current bender is probably the worst, as I have no reason (job, immediate obligation) to stop it. I should recognize this as a progression of my alcoholism. Yet, the mindset I am in right now (all AV, taken over by the Beast fully), it is very unproductive. It is even resistant to any real emotional vulnerability, except knowing all that will come tomorrow, or whenever I decide to stop drinking.

AL48

I had a list of 5 reasons written down when i started recovery well i still have my list.
1: my wife
2: my kids
3: my mental health
4: my physical health
5: to wake up happy and not miserable for once
As for all of the above so far so good.

Mizz

This is the answer. Its not a riddle. It is as simple as not drinking and not thinking oneself into a wormhole.
When the craving hits (everyone has had cravings ) then using tools to remain sober. Taking action to remain sober.

Aellyce

You are right. I was thinking it all got vague and diffuse from #3. I should be able to capitalize on #1-2, but this addiction interferes with it and makes it extremely hard.

Steely

I think rehab is a good idea Aellyce. It's not always a revolving door, or have to lose everything experience. I've been to a few, both public and private and the only things the private ones gave me were better blankets and food. It was a public one one that gave me the most help in any real sense. I don't know what the public ones are like in America.

Aellyce, my commitment came from reaching the point where the negatives of drinking completely outweighed any positives. There were none, I'd turned into an idiot. Denying myself. Afraid of myself. But a weird distant part of me wanted better for myself. Didn't want to hate myself any longer. Wanted to build my self esteem in an honest way. I wanted a real me, and didn't know how to find it. Getting sober has shown me the way. It's not what I expected. It's better, deeper, subtler. It's only been 17 months, but I reflect in gratitude now.

Just keep trying Aellyce. We like the frightened girl. I was one. Still am, but I'm growing.

Mizz

I would like to say, as a member of this forum, that I come here for honesty and support to recover from alcoholism. I do think honesty is one of the core aspects of this forum. Its not the sole aspect but it is fundamental.

This behavior of dishonesty on a continual basis has put a kink in the trust that I have. I cannot tell left from right and up from down in regards to who you are and what you believe or think or anything really about you, Aellyce. This is not due to any fault of my own. Trust has been compromised. I am being honest.

I do hope you choose to be honest with yourself and honest with this community. This community spends their time helping one another to recover. This community has spent a great deal of time helping you when you are honest enough to tell the community what is actually taking place. You can make the right choices. The choices are there for you. They always have been,

GerandTwine

For when you are not under the influence of alcohol:

The Beast of AVRT and its Addictive Voice that you hear and feel does not exist when you are under the influence of alcohol/drugs. The Beast of AVRT, along with the authentic Aellyce, disappears from the universe temporarily (unless you die) as you again become the Drunken You. The Beast does not exist once You have partnered up with it to drink some more. The Beast only exists in the authentic YOU as the driving appetite force to make both YOU and IT disappear into the fantastic, awesome, deep pleasure of being the Drunken You.

Speaking of motivations and values; I had a motivation and value in my life all during my 20’s. That was to continue experiencing that wonderful deep pleasure of getting drunk without getting into trouble. I compared it to being a bold explorer in uncharted territory because I knew it was dangerous. Heck, even printing the fake ID’s in my late teens for me and my buddies was part of that introduction to a dilettante way of life ‘justifying’ repeating that awesome pleasure that also resulted in a reduction of my behavior into chemically enhanced stupidity. But I LOVED it.

It sounds like you don’t have too many bad consequences outside your own personal life, and your still living successfully in the big apple. So, no biggie to anyone except maybe yourself that you’ve made up stories here on SR.

Again, for contemplation on a day when you’re not drinking:
AVRT is still there for you, not as a dangerous “world view” as it was say five years ago when you avoided it here, But now that you’re getting fed up with drinking some more against your own better judgement (addicted not just chemically dependent), AVRT now represents a very potent tool for achieving permanent abstinence.

There’s really no good reason you cannot accept, and even relish, that you CAN live a life without EVER AGAIN, feeling that pleasure you caved in to not so long ago.

Aellyce

I wondered the same many times, even voiced once, during a state when I would have been the least fit to formulate that opinion.

Aellyce

I do have some motivation to get sober, but not enough. So weird, as I am otherwise the most motivated and driven person, for anything I want! I guess my relentless AV keeps using that very ambition.

dustyfox

Harm reduction? I tried that, just like I tried drinking in moderation, offsetting drinking with healthy diet - none of it works. I tried it all over 30 years or more. None of it works!
Stopping , quitting, that works.
Aellyce I don't know you or your unique circumstances, but the common denominator for us all is that we all have/ or are poisoning ourselves and the only way out, to be FREE is to stop.

Aellyce

I absolutely know that the reason I keep getting drunk is because I want to experience the kind of pleasure of intoxication by alcohol, over and over and over. There is no other reason for me, I have known this for many many years, and still.

Many of you describe that there was no pleasure in the end and drinking became more a habit to ward off withdrawals etc. I am sure that will be part of my story as well when I get off this bender. But I still don't know how to approach it. Is it like deciding I never, ever want to experience an orgasm again, and try to experience the benefits?