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Really Struggling Today

Old 06-02-2021, 10:12 AM
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Really Struggling Today

Really Struggling today. Had a huge row with my partner as he demanded to see my meds I’m on. He then wanted me to prove I was taking them. He made me feel awful and like a child. He admitted he doesn’t trust me at all and doesn’t know how long that will take to repair. I get how he feels but he’s not taking account of how I’m feeling and how hard life is for me right now. I now don’t see the point in me wearing my engagement ring. I feel I should take it off and if he ever trusts me again he can re ask me as what’s the point of wearing it when he has no plan to marry me at all at present.

Im 45 days sober and am trying to tell my AV where to go as it keeps telling me sod it just drink as what’s the point in not when obviously me being sober makes no difference to how he feels whatsoever!

Sorry for the miserableness xx
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Old 06-02-2021, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Jo43 View Post
Really Struggling today. Had a huge row with my partner as he demanded to see my meds I’m on. He then wanted me to prove I was taking them. He made me feel awful and like a child. He admitted he doesn’t trust me at all and doesn’t know how long that will take to repair. I get how he feels but he’s not taking account of how I’m feeling and how hard life is for me right now. I now don’t see the point in me wearing my engagement ring. I feel I should take it off and if he ever trusts me again he can re ask me as what’s the point of wearing it when he has no plan to marry me at all at present.

Im 45 days sober and am trying to tell my AV where to go as it keeps telling me sod it just drink as what’s the point in not when obviously me being sober makes no difference to how he feels whatsoever!

Sorry for the miserableness xx
Sorry you are feeling this way. Congratulations on your 45 days of recovery. Drinking will not make things any better. During recovery you will deal with alot of relationship problems. When you get sober some of the smallest things can feel like the biggest problems. Not saying what you are going through isn't big. Just a example of what I have experienced while getting sober.
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Old 06-02-2021, 10:29 AM
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I'm sorry you are having a rough day Jo. It might help you by verbalizing it and it might help us give you the support you need if you can describe what led up to the argument. Tell it to us as if you were him.

This will be painful to hear too, but taking your engagement ring off and perhaps putting all of that on hold isn't the worst idea in the world. You've got some big big things you are dealing with.
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Old 06-02-2021, 10:34 AM
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He basically wanted me to show him my meds and wants me to take them every day in front of him. I told him that makes me feel like I’m achild. I then got well I don’t trust you at all so you have to prove everything to me. I asked him how long I have to do this for and he doesn’t know. I just feel he’s watching my every move and I have no trust from him at all on anything xx
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Old 06-02-2021, 10:44 AM
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That might very well be the case, but only right now. You can earn back trust if you have done things to lose it. Not an uncommon condition for people like us at the end of our drinking days.

Please don't drink. It will only confirm for him once and for all that you are not trustworthy and you will be back down the rabbit hole.

He will trust you again, in time, by you showing him - not with words but with actions - that you can be trusted.

You also deserve to be respected. If the trust is gone, then it is gone, but you don't need to be kicked too often while you are down. You get to live a peaceful life, just like he wants to. It is a delicate dance. At some point, you might need to tell him that unless he has concrete criticisms, he has not other choice but to trust you that you are taking your meds. Random checks are traumatizing and I think cannot be a part of a healthy relationship.

Stay sober. You are doing so well on that front.
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Old 06-02-2021, 10:59 AM
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Yeah, that's not healthy for him or you for him to set himself up as the medicine police and you need to be able to say, "No," without repercussions. It's not his business.

Maybe both of you could get couples' counseling or at least both of you get individual counseling. For that matter AA and Al Anon are set up to deal with this kind of dysfunction, too.

Your meds are your business. Sounds like quite a power imbalance in your relationship.

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Old 06-02-2021, 11:17 AM
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I don't think it's okay for your partner to ask you to take your meds in front of him. But, my husband didn't trust me when I stopped drinking either and it was very hard to deal with. But, how could he when I had lied to him repeatedly for a few years. I think it will take some time for your partner to trust you again, and the best thing you can do is to stay sober.
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Old 06-02-2021, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post

Your meds are your business. Sounds like quite a power imbalance in your relationship.
I agree with this. He's some kind of a control freak, and there IS a power imbalance..

You're doing great and he should be full of praise for what you have accomplished Jo.

Please don't drink over it. But think whether you want to be with someone like that, it would be triggering for me.
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Old 06-02-2021, 12:13 PM
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Congrats on 45 days, maybe you could put your meds in one of those weekly organizers then he can just check to see if say Monday or whatever day it is, is gone if he feels you didn't take them that day.
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Old 06-02-2021, 12:59 PM
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I’m sorry you’re dealing with this Jo. I was not in a relationship when I entered recovery, but I had to earn back trust from my loved ones too.

You shouldn’t have to do that at the cost of your dignity tho - one of the cornerstones of my recovery was no more shame.

Re earning trust shouldn’t be like the Hunger Games or something.

Maybe the suggestion about couple counselling is a good one?

D
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Old 06-02-2021, 09:04 PM
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I don’t know how long you’ve been a couple, but, engagement is relatively early days in terms of a long term relationship or marriage. After 45 days sober, it would be loving and supportive if he congratulated you, and encouraged you. If trust has been broken, and you both want to work on regaining that, I agree with suggestions for counseling. Trust isn’t born out of demands and eliminating boundaries. Trust would mean he doesn’t need to check up on you. The power play is concerning. That element of the relationship might be worth exploring, in general.

I’m going to congratulate you on those 45 days, Jo! Keep it going. 💕
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Old 06-02-2021, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by phoebe64 View Post
I don’t know how long you’ve been a couple, but, engagement is relatively early days in terms of a long term relationship or marriage. After 45 days sober, it would be loving and supportive if he congratulated you, and encouraged you. If trust has been broken, and you both want to work on regaining that, I agree with suggestions for counseling. Trust isn’t born out of demands and eliminating boundaries. Trust would mean he doesn’t need to check up on you. The power play is concerning. That element of the relationship might be worth exploring, in general.

I’m going to congratulate you on those 45 days, Jo! Keep it going. 💕

Hi Phoebe

we met in 2013, split in 2015 because of him and his commitment issues, got back together in early 2017 and been engaged since New Year’s Eve 2017 xx

I just feel it’s hard as looking at it when it all kicked off he was leaving me so I took my ring on then he allowed me to put it back on. I’m realising it’s pressure I don’t need. I just feel I’ve worked so hard these last 6 weeks and done so much to change not just the not drinking. I don’t feel that he appreciates how hard I’m trying and all I am doing. It’s just all about him. I suppose I just have to plough on and hope for the best xx
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Old 06-02-2021, 10:21 PM
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Thanks for your replies everyone xx
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Old 06-03-2021, 04:14 AM
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Perhaps this dynamic you are in is not the best? Relationships should not be filled with one person having control over the other person. The dynamic does not allow for equality. I do hope you are able to look at this and find a way forward that is healthy for you. It can be about you. Its not selfish to want the best for ourselves. You deserve to be healthy and to be treated with respect.
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Old 06-03-2021, 05:07 AM
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I understand the loss of trust, I've been on both sides of that fence. I agree with the suggestion of a pill organizer. If a loved one wants to check on your daily meds, that is a non-confrontational way to do so. I would not take meds on command or under direct supervision unless under Drs orders. Counseling could help re-establish personal boundaries because as D stated, it shouldn't be like the Hunger Games. You are a person with value and deserve to be treated with respect. Trust is not mutually exclusive and sometimes the other person can't be trusted for healthy support during recovery. ((hugs))
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Old 06-03-2021, 09:59 AM
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Hang in there Jo, for your own sake not anyone else's. On a thread like this I am cautious about making judgements but demanding to see you take your medication sounds wrong even if elements of his lack of trust are justified and he ought to be aware it is wrong. I would maybe tolerate it for another day or to in order to demonstrate your own efforts at putting things right but insist it has to stop after that. Congratulations on your 45+ days sober, that is a huge achievement on your part and you deserve a supportive partner.
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Old 06-03-2021, 10:18 AM
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Jo, it's not all about him, not at all. It's about you and your life and your happiness. You must get sober and recover for you, not for him. You can do this.
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Old 06-05-2021, 08:39 AM
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Don’t be sorry for the miserableness - that’s what this place is for.

I don’t mean to intrude but I need to say that I’m not sure your partner is the right person for you at this time in your life. I don’t think his attitude towards you is very helpful at all for your sobriety.

His distrust and the feelings it engenders in you are not helping your self worth at all and your instinct to take off the ring may be an indicator of how you need to proceed in order to restore your self esteem and aid your sobriety.

Best of luck to you.
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