livingintegrity

Day 37 - I made a commitment to keep my word to myself by posting on this forum. I said that I wouldn't care if people read it or responded or agreed with my postings and for the most part, I have been successful. These days we do way to much for the approval of others, most of the time complete strangers. How many "likes" did my post/picture/GIF garner? How many "friends" or "followers" do I have. Now I'm not a huge social media person. I have accounts on Twitter and Instagram I never use, my main Social interactions come on either Facebook or LinkedIn for business interactions and sharing, but I must confess there is one persons approval that I'm constantly wondering why I don't get it all the time, My Husband! He of all people knows my history, every time I've fallen, most every time I've tried to live a better and different life. After 30+ years together, 28 married, he knows some of my secrets. Certainly more secrets than anyone else, but only the ones that I choose to share and the ones that I thought I was hiding, but really wasn't. He's not a big talker for talking sake, especially about things that are uncomfortable. He hates confrontation, which made it easy for me to get away with A LOT! This time around we agreed to talk about my sobriety, where other times it went undiscussed until I failed and then we talked again about my drinking and was I ever going to finally change. I didn't always drink, heck I rarely drank when we were first together. I went to college, then graduate school, then took a high profile high stress job where I travelled constantly. It wasn't until we'd been married for a good 20 years that I started to develop a drinking issue as a reaction to the constant relentless stress of my job, my family, the expectations, basically my life. He witnessed my decline and sat in silence, heck I thought I had him fooled as I thought I had everyone fooled. So here we are, attempt at sobriety.... far too many to count and I'm waiting for the atta boy. Not just any atta boy, a constant empty well of atta boys, I'm so proud of you statements that will give me.....what? I don't even know. I mean I don't tell him everyday that I'm proud that he's not an alcoholic or worse. Just to be real, he has told me he's very proud of me this time, I just can't stop wanting more, something more that keeps me on track. This documenting my thoughts has helped, I'm even looking forward to writing something on the daily. I've got a lot of sh*t to work through....I guess I should tell him how I feel, just seems so petty. I should be strong enough to just do it for myself. I guess I'm not there yet, holding on until tomorrow. Now let me go check Facebook to see if anyone liked me today;-)

Dee74

Its pretty human to want, if not praise exactly, some kind of validation or approval from those closest to us.

I never got it from my family - I either got - 'you are NOT an alcoholic stop being dramatic', or 'whaddya want a medal for doing what everyone else does every day?'.

That was hard because I realised around the same time how much I craved validation from others, and how much my not getting that validation would usually lead to me drinking...

Thankfully the longer I've stayed sober, I need that external validation less and less, and I'm much much happier for it.

These days for me you might say recovery is its own reward - but it's still nice to have place like SR where people do understand addiction and will give you understanding, empathy and throw you compliment or a hug too if you need it

I think it's great your husband has told you how proud he is of you this time. Regardless of what your expectations might be, that's something a lot of folks here never got

Cherish that

D

TiaMaria

It could be he really just does not understand what a big deal this is for you. People who don't have a problem with alcohol tend to just not get how difficult it is for us to abstain. Add to that your need for affirmation and that is a potent combination for you to wrap your head around as you maintain abstinance. Also, there are people who just don't know how to encourage others because they didn't learn it as children. You have all you need right within to do what you need to do. Try not to want what perhaps your husband is just not capable to extending to you. It is not that he is witholding-it may just not even occur to him to say these things. Meanwhile, you need to find people who can encourage you in the way you need-it may not be your husband. Much as we want our spouses to fulfill every need-they just can't be the only ones on our "team". Find other women who can be your cheerleaders-and maybe once your husband sees you flourishing with the encouragment he may be able to add to it. Do not tie your success or lack of success to anyone else but yourself. As women we tend to give away all our power-looking for kudos. You are enough!

Anna

In the early days I also wanted validation from my family. It didn't happen. To be fair, I put them through a lot during the years I was drinking and I know they were grateful that I stopped. Many years later, my husband told me he was proud of me and it was really good to hear. But, as Dee said, by then I had much less need for exterior validation. It's really hard for others to understand how incredibly hard it is to stop drinking and remain sober. That's one of the reasons SR is important because we do understand.

GerandTwine

Hi LI,

The simple fact of your choosing to be here implies you can be more than halfway done with not only your alcohol dependency, but your recovery from it as well. First you have to accept that your getting drunk had nothing to do with anyone else. It was just you. Then you can take control and do something to secure that you have stopped finally and for all time.

GT

LoveDD

I really feel your post Living. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. I am on day 168 which is by far the longest I’ve been sober (besides when pregnant with our two children) since we’ve been together. I too crave affirmation and acknowledgement of my accomplishment from my husband. I know my husband is proud of me and has told me this but I thought I’d hear it more. I agree with others that for us we are doing a BIG thing by quitting but unless you are an alcoholic people don’t understand just how BIG of a deal this is or how much struggle and work it takes. You are doing great and I know your husband is proud of you.

Mizz

We all want validation. I get it.

Are you proud of you? What do you think about your situation? It takes a very courageous person to acknowledge their issues and to find the solution. I think improving the relationship with yourself is going to be key here. We all have the power to change the way we think and the power to raise our life condition. It takes time. It takes building a muscle. You will get there.

Social media can be toxic if used in the wrong ways. I deleted all social media around 8 months ago and my life became my own again. I then set about to actually "build" a life away from the spotlight of peoples approval, scrolling, food pictures, animal pictures and politics. My world changed drastically.

Surrendered19

I didn't have any pats on the back coming when I got sober. I had torched all of my relationships and people just needed me to stfu and disappear for a while. I considered it part of the price I needed to pay. When you show people with your actions that you are serious about long-term sobriety, the atta boys will come. And as others have pointed out, unless you are one of us, you don't really understand how big this thing is.

If it helps at all, I am sure proud of you for making changes. Not for the faint of heart, that is for sure.

enaiddes

Very interesting post and I enjoyed reading it immensely.

Oh golly, the problems us women have being understood. If you’re husband doesnt have a drink problem himself, it may be very difficult indeed for him to feel or display any kind of understanding or compassion. People without the problem tend to think of it as an unpardonable weakness.

But here in this forum you can find intelligent and compassionate responses to your self expression.

You sound to me like an amazing success in life and perhaps a bit of an overachiever who tends to accumulate mega stress along the way. And if there’s any kind of genetic predisposition or even if there isnt one, alcohol inevitably and eventually becomes an option if for no other reason than to reward one’s self.

There should be plenty of atta boys posted in response to any threads you start and I would you encourage you to start ‘em aplenty in order to obtain the support you cannot find at home. I for one would be very interested in hearing more from you, and I think this forum will offer a special kind of benefit you wouldnt find in other social media involvements.

Rar

Hi Livingintegeity…for some reason, I am the opposite regarding praise or acknowledgment from my husband regarding my drinking. I think if he were to praise my NOT drinking, then he surely noticed how much I was drinking. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve unsuccessfully quit several times, and he’s never said a word at any of those times, possibly because he’s a heavy drinker himself.

Interestingly, though I didn’t tell him I was quitting, I did not drink on Memorial Day. We went to a neighborhood party where he had several drinks before and during. The next day, he did not drink, nor did he drink yesterday. Apparently he did notice. 🙂.

DriGuy

Attaboys are nice when they happen, but for me they do not affect my sobriety. In fact, when I quit, I did so with an attitude somewhat like defiance. I was going to quit, no matter what anyone else thought or might do to sabotage my efforts. I never had to actually openly demonstrate my defiance, but I was ready before the fact to do so if it was necessary.

I can never anticipate who would approve of or understand my victory over alcoholism. My ex who I remained friends with after our divorce, treats it a curiosity at best. Oddly, I probably got more approval for getting sober from the drunks I hung out with than I did from close personal friends. I've decided that normies often don't understand alcoholism or the suffering it afflicts on those crippled by it. They simply view it as a personal responsibility of someone to fix their own drinking problem. And of course they are right. What they don't seem to grasp is how difficult this personal adjustment is to the alcoholic or the magnitude of the accomplishment. There is the occasional normie who does genuinely seem to understand and approve. In my case, these are seldom my closest friends and not who I would consider most likely to show any interest or approval.

I would encourage you to keep your eye on the ball and do this for yourself. You may actually be doing it for reasons beyond yourself, say to improve the quality of marriage, with or without the approval of your husband (actually this is still doing something for yourself). But know that approval from others comes when it comes, often from unexpected quarters. It's pleasant when it happens, but is not the most important part of the process.

Having said that, I have fed off of the approval of others, especially early on, and it was the major reason I spent so much time in AA meetings for so long. Of course, these are the same types of people like the drunks I hung out with before I quit. If you need that kind of approval, don't look at that need as a weakness. It's just one more thing you can seek out to facilitate your own recovery. And it makes sense to seek out whatever you need to get the job done.