Is it okay to have a drink now?...After all this time sober!...Weekenders 28 - 31 May 2021
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,535
Thanks Mags, I’m in, but under somewhat trying circumstances, as reported in the previous thread.
I’m really in two minds about posting this, but owing to all the support for which I am ever grateful, I guess a brief update is due. My mom is not doing well. There’s a chance of multi organ failure if her lungs don’t start healing soon. My dad who was asymptomatic until now, had a drop in saturation this morning and was hospitalized as well. My wife and I are positive as well but seem to be copying and keeping the symptoms in check.
I might be checking in a bit less, but please know that there is not the slightest possibility of me turning to the bottle.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks again for all the support. I haven’t had to face a challenge like this ever before.
I’m really in two minds about posting this, but owing to all the support for which I am ever grateful, I guess a brief update is due. My mom is not doing well. There’s a chance of multi organ failure if her lungs don’t start healing soon. My dad who was asymptomatic until now, had a drop in saturation this morning and was hospitalized as well. My wife and I are positive as well but seem to be copying and keeping the symptoms in check.
I might be checking in a bit less, but please know that there is not the slightest possibility of me turning to the bottle.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks again for all the support. I haven’t had to face a challenge like this ever before.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I have only been on a serious recovery journey for a few months so can't speak for thoughts that might come up in years, but in general my attitude and "craving style" is like Kaily's. I haven't fancied 1-2 drinks for at least 10 years, I don't even remember anymore what it feels like to drink gracefully in normal social context. I did that when I was young but so long ago, kind of... although I don't think there was often anything elegant in the way I drank, when I drank socially. In my teens and 20s it was rare, like every few weeks or months, but even those were binges typically at parties, clubs, bar hopping or getting blissfully wasted and crazy at home with friends who liked to drink just as much. We never thought much about it with my good friends because it was so rare, and I never liked to hang out with folks who drank more or used drugs back then, had no interest even though I ran into many such people in the club scene, mostly in my teens. I recall those occasional binges as fun but there is zero specific emotional memory or nostalgia associated with the social drinking of my youth now, my euphoric recall does not seem to focus on that at all. I never experienced cravings back then, could take it or leave it anytime.
Starting in my 30s, the intimate encounters with a bottle of hard liquor in the solitude of my home, deep dives into massively altered states, and "adventures" on the internet, however... That is always what comes to mind when I have thoughts of drinking. Being out and about now sober, having fun, even the sight of the countless pleasant open air bars and restaurants all over the city don't faze me whatsoever. I guess this is lucky because I can enjoy normal life without any fear of being triggered, no need to isolate, it is actually the worst for me to stay home alone all day, because that's where the urges appear. I often wonder if this will change over time though and I will develop some fantasies for 1-2 graceful, normal drinks with normal people. It's hard to imagine for me right now, but who the heck knows what this mind can come up with. It helps to always remember that I'm a non-drinker now, no matter what. I love the simplicity of this resolve because it covers everything, no need to ponder and wonder about it.
Have a lovely sober weekend everyone!
Starting in my 30s, the intimate encounters with a bottle of hard liquor in the solitude of my home, deep dives into massively altered states, and "adventures" on the internet, however... That is always what comes to mind when I have thoughts of drinking. Being out and about now sober, having fun, even the sight of the countless pleasant open air bars and restaurants all over the city don't faze me whatsoever. I guess this is lucky because I can enjoy normal life without any fear of being triggered, no need to isolate, it is actually the worst for me to stay home alone all day, because that's where the urges appear. I often wonder if this will change over time though and I will develop some fantasies for 1-2 graceful, normal drinks with normal people. It's hard to imagine for me right now, but who the heck knows what this mind can come up with. It helps to always remember that I'm a non-drinker now, no matter what. I love the simplicity of this resolve because it covers everything, no need to ponder and wonder about it.
Have a lovely sober weekend everyone!
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,849
I'm here for the weekend! I know only too well, how many times the 'weekend' has been my downfall, that feeling of wanting to reward myself for a good job of not drinking for a few days - that old trick, I wont be falling for. I am so pleased that I finally understand the damage alcohol was doing to me - By the end I was not falling down in the street drunk ( though that has happened) I was not searching out late night bars to have one more shot because I had run out ( though I did do that), I was not hiding bottles around the house ....by the end I was able to consume a considerable amount of alcohol and remain upright, hold a conversation, and still get up in the morning - but my self esteem was low, my health was suffering and I felt like a prisoner to my addiction, an addiction that until 13 days ago I have never admitted, I just believed I was a person that could 'handle alcohol' and keep my life going pretty well with no one knowing! No one apart from people in my past who I got very, very drunk with, and who knows where they are now, hopefully on here! Anyway I am here for the weekend because, I hated being a prisoner, I hated not being able to feel ' a good person' - because it didn't matter how 'good' I might appear to others, I knew my shameful secret. So here's to a great weekend, of sun at last for those of us in the UK, and to feeling free.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Thanks Mags! I am in.
I remember how many times I kept trying to drink like a normie. Then I realized that was a lie. What I really wanted was to drink how I wanted without consequence.
Every once in a while I have a dream that brings me back to those consequences. Last night was strange. I was intown and a friend was trying to sell me a T-Mobile phone. There was no drinking involved but the atmosphere lent itself to that kind of an evening. Then, in my dream, I woke up like it was the next morning and realized I didn't remember where I left my car. It all came back. That sick feeling I would get first thing I opened my eyes. If I didn't remember where I left my car then what else did I do that I'm not remembering? Oh no, what did I say, who did I say it to? Where is my car? I have to get out of bed and go find my pocketbook to see if my credit cards are still in my wallet. The list goes on and on and on. But, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach was sooooooo vivid.
Then, I woke up. Safe in my bed with full knowledge of where I am, what I did last night, and exactly where my car is. What a great relief that is.
I am grateful today that in real life I never have to experience that feeling again. If you're new or coming back (or actually this applies to anyone here), you don't ever have to feel that way again either. It's all up to you.
I never regretted NOT drinking.
Great to be here this weekend with all of you.
I remember how many times I kept trying to drink like a normie. Then I realized that was a lie. What I really wanted was to drink how I wanted without consequence.
Every once in a while I have a dream that brings me back to those consequences. Last night was strange. I was intown and a friend was trying to sell me a T-Mobile phone. There was no drinking involved but the atmosphere lent itself to that kind of an evening. Then, in my dream, I woke up like it was the next morning and realized I didn't remember where I left my car. It all came back. That sick feeling I would get first thing I opened my eyes. If I didn't remember where I left my car then what else did I do that I'm not remembering? Oh no, what did I say, who did I say it to? Where is my car? I have to get out of bed and go find my pocketbook to see if my credit cards are still in my wallet. The list goes on and on and on. But, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach was sooooooo vivid.
Then, I woke up. Safe in my bed with full knowledge of where I am, what I did last night, and exactly where my car is. What a great relief that is.
I am grateful today that in real life I never have to experience that feeling again. If you're new or coming back (or actually this applies to anyone here), you don't ever have to feel that way again either. It's all up to you.
I never regretted NOT drinking.
Great to be here this weekend with all of you.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I'm in.
When I first got sober, like the first few weeks, I entertained the thought that maybe someday, when I was a little old lady, I could sip a glass of sherry in front of a fire in my rocker with a kitty cat on my lap. That seemed like a nice civil and comforting thing to do, and it helped me at the time to imagine that someday I might be able to have small amounts again. That was before I knew much at all about this disease, and before I had heard all the stories of people who went back out, and before I had lost people close to me who experimented and died because of it. I don't wish for that anymore. The story of why I got sober is a very ugly one. And the stories people here, and in my AA meetings, tell of going back out are even uglier. I like my life now, warts and all, and I really hated it when I drank. I do have to sometimes remind myself what would almost certainly happen if I were to drink again when the AV occasionally and briefly sticks its head out from its hiding place and tells me a glass of wine would be nice. But it's easy now to tell that little monster to get lost (I use different words, words I can't type here).
I have not relapsed since I got serious about sobriety, 6 and a half years ago (almost). Before that, before I really had made a total mess of my life, I made hundreds of promises to myself to moderate. I played games with the AV - made bargains. "I'll only drink 3 days a week." "I'll only have two today." "I'll limit myself to 10 drinks a week." On and on. For years. But never did I think I'd really just be able to stop completely (nor did I really want to), until I hit rock bottom and knew to the bottom of my soul that I had no choice, if I wanted to have any kind of happiness, ever, or live more than a few more years, at best. Never going back to that misery.
When I first got sober, like the first few weeks, I entertained the thought that maybe someday, when I was a little old lady, I could sip a glass of sherry in front of a fire in my rocker with a kitty cat on my lap. That seemed like a nice civil and comforting thing to do, and it helped me at the time to imagine that someday I might be able to have small amounts again. That was before I knew much at all about this disease, and before I had heard all the stories of people who went back out, and before I had lost people close to me who experimented and died because of it. I don't wish for that anymore. The story of why I got sober is a very ugly one. And the stories people here, and in my AA meetings, tell of going back out are even uglier. I like my life now, warts and all, and I really hated it when I drank. I do have to sometimes remind myself what would almost certainly happen if I were to drink again when the AV occasionally and briefly sticks its head out from its hiding place and tells me a glass of wine would be nice. But it's easy now to tell that little monster to get lost (I use different words, words I can't type here).
I have not relapsed since I got serious about sobriety, 6 and a half years ago (almost). Before that, before I really had made a total mess of my life, I made hundreds of promises to myself to moderate. I played games with the AV - made bargains. "I'll only drink 3 days a week." "I'll only have two today." "I'll limit myself to 10 drinks a week." On and on. For years. But never did I think I'd really just be able to stop completely (nor did I really want to), until I hit rock bottom and knew to the bottom of my soul that I had no choice, if I wanted to have any kind of happiness, ever, or live more than a few more years, at best. Never going back to that misery.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,187
Sending lots of positive thoughts to your mum and dad CaptainHaddock, it really is a terrible virus and there doesn't seem to be any clear reason for it affecting some people more than others.
Good to see you dustyfox/LadyBlue.
Good to see you dustyfox/LadyBlue.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
I've never had that idea that I could go out and have a couple of drinks, why on earth would i do that??? I never knew anyone who did that apart from women and guys that you wouldn't want coming out anyway. I used to smoke and my Nan smoked 5 cigarettes a day and didn't inhale. Why would i do that? Why would i smoke 5 cigarettes a day??? My pattern was to feel so miserable and wretched in sobriety after x amount of time that i would just go back to drinking.
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